Your Best Jokes

[scorpmatt]

old one:

What do you say to a women with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's already been told twice

 

[SVT Cobra]

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: pclstyle
Taken:

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the
bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife whispered, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he
just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

-----------------------------------

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.

He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You?re not going to?to?cut it off, are you?"

The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope, I?m just going to set the garage on fire."

pwned on both counts, lots of guy bashing jokes.

lmao...even though i am a guy

 

[JoLLyRoGer]

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: JoLLyRoGer

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
whats the difference between a black man and a bench?

A bench can support a family

Hey, what the h3ll's wrong with you? Got a sheet and a hood hidden somewhere in that closet? :|

no, but I some cross to sell, cheap! :evil:

Gotta be one in every crowd.:roll: You sir, are an uncouth ass. [/discussion]

 

[scorpmatt]

Originally posted by: JoLLyRoGer

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: JoLLyRoGer

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
whats the difference between a black man and a bench?

A bench can support a family

Hey, what the h3ll's wrong with you? Got a sheet and a hood hidden somewhere in that closet? :|

no, but I some cross to sell, cheap! :evil:

Gotta be one in every crowd.:roll: You sir, are an un-couth ass. [/discussion]

and you sir need to get your sarcasm meter fixed

 

[Omegachi]

Originally posted by: pclstyle
kinda gross:

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: full

haha, gross dude.

 

[scorpmatt]

ok, seeing as there is alot of compaints about the black guy joke I posted. I will post a joke about the raceof the person that told me this.

How do you get a bunch of mexicans out of a car? Toss in a pair of work boots.

How do you get them back into the car? Toss in a paycheck.

 

[HaxorNubcake]

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.

He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You?re not going to?to?cut it off, are you?"

The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope, I?m just going to set the garage on fire."

----------------------------------------------

reminds me of saw

 

[SVT Cobra]

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: JoLLyRoGer

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: JoLLyRoGer

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
whats the difference between a black man and a bench?

A bench can support a family

Hey, what the h3ll's wrong with you? Got a sheet and a hood hidden somewhere in that closet? :|

no, but I some cross to sell, cheap! :evil:

Gotta be one in every crowd.:roll: You sir, are an un-couth ass. [/discussion]

and you sir need to get your sarcasm meter fixed

your in luck i am selling a sarcasm and irony meter tune up for the price of one

www.youneedtogetalifeforyourracistjokes.com is where you can get it

 

[scorpmatt]

Originally posted by: Son of a N00b

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: JoLLyRoGer

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: JoLLyRoGer

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
whats the difference between a black man and a bench?

A bench can support a family

Hey, what the h3ll's wrong with you? Got a sheet and a hood hidden somewhere in that closet? :|

no, but I some cross to sell, cheap! :evil:

Gotta be one in every crowd.:roll: You sir, are an un-couth ass. [/discussion]

and you sir need to get your sarcasm meter fixed

your in luck i am selling a sarcasm and irony meter tune up for the price of one

www.youneedtogetalifeforyourracistjokes.com is where you can get it

lol

 

[jdub1107]

Originally posted by: Omegachi
good stuff

your legs are like peanut butter, its smooth and easy to spread.

As long as its not chunky.

 

[scorpmatt]

ok, this one hits both white and black... will this redeem me? the skit between chevy chase and richard pryor

Interviewer:

Chevy Chase

Mr. Wilson:

Richard Pryor

Interviewer:

Alright, Mr. Wilson, you've done just fine on the Rorshach...your papers are in good order...your file's fine...No difficulties with your motor skills...And I think you're probably ready for this job. We've got one more psychological test we always do here. It's just Word Association. I'll throw out a few words-anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, okay? It's kind of an abitrary thing. Like, If I say dog, you'd say..?

Mr. Wilson:

"Tree."

Interviewer:

"Tree." [nods head, prepares the felt papers] "Dog."

Mr. Wilson:

"Tree."

Interviewer:

"Fast."

Mr. Wilson:

"Slow."

Interviewer:

"Rain."

Mr. Wilson:

"Snow."

Interviewer:

"White."

Mr. Wilson:

"Black."

Interviewer:

"Bean."

Mr. Wilson:

"Pod."

Interviewer:

[casually] "Negro."

Mr. Wilson:

"Whitey."

Interviewer:

"Tar Baby."

Mr. Wilson: "Ofay."

Interviewer:

"Colored."

Mr. Wilson:

"Redneck."

Interviewer:

"Jungle Bunny."

Mr. Wilson:

[starting to get angry] "Peckerwood!"

Interviewer:

"Burrhead."

Mr. Wilson:

[defensive] "Cracker!"

Interviewer:

"Spear chucker!"

Mr. Wilson:

"White trash!"

Interviewer:

"Jungle Bunny!"

Mr. Wilson:

"Honkey!"

Interviewer:

"Spade."

Mr. Wilson:[really upset]

"beloved patriot beloved patriot!"

Interviewer:

N1gg3r!

Mr Wilson:

"Dead Honkey!"[face starts to flinch]

Interviewer:

[quickly wraps interview up]Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you've qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Mr. Wilson:

Your Momma!

Interviewer:

[fumbling] Uh...$7,500 a year?

Mr. Wilson:

Your grandmomma!

Interviewer:

[desperate] $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, dont...hurt me, please.

Mr. Wilson:

Okay.

You want me to start now?

Interviewer:

Oh, no, no...alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off.

Edited for content and spelling

 

[pclstyle]

scorpmatt: dun kill the thread ><




my favorite pickup, old as hell:

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in

 

[imported_Phil]

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
ok, this one hits both white and black... will this redeem me? the skit between chevy chase and richard pryor

<ha-snip>

That's your best?

 

[scorpmatt]

Originally posted by: Phil

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
ok, this one hits both white and black... will this redeem me? the skit between chevy chase and richard pryor

<ha-snip>

That's your best?

best? no. first one that came to my mind that had both whites and blacks laughing? yes

 

[scorpmatt]

Originally posted by: pclstyle
scorpmatt: dun kill the thread ><

ok, fine. I will log off for the rest of the day, will check in tomorrow to see what new jokes have been posted.

 

[pclstyle]

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: Phil

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
ok, this one hits both white and black... will this redeem me? the skit between chevy chase and richard pryor

<ha-snip>

That's your best?

best? no. first one that came to my mind that had both whites and blacks laughing? yes

man let's not get caught up on this, this will turn into a real flamefest it's like playing racist pokemon, everyone is holding back, just waiting for the opportunity to throw down their best (most racist) cards.

 

[JoLLyRoGer]

Originally posted by: pclstyle

Originally posted by: scorpmatt

Originally posted by: Phil

Originally posted by: scorpmatt
ok, this one hits both white and black... will this redeem me? the skit between chevy chase and richard pryor

<ha-snip>

That's your best?

best? no. first one that came to my mind that had both whites and blacks laughing? yes

man let's not get caught up on this, this will turn into a real flamefest it's like playing racist pokemon, everyone is holding back, just waiting for the opportunity to throw down their best (most racist) cards.

Now that's funny! Racist Pokemon! :laugh:

 

[shilala]

Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"

I just called my brother-in-law to tell him that joke. He's a bartender. He liked it.

Here's his contribution...
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[imported_Phil]

Originally posted by: shilala

Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"

I just called my brother-in-law to tell him that joke. He's a bartender. He liked it.

Here's his contribution...
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Might as well get it over with

A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.





(boooo-urns)

 

[NuroMancer]

Just a couple of blond ones:

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

 

[imported_Phil]

Originally posted by: NuroMancer
Just a couple of blond ones:

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

[NuroMancer]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[imported_Phil]

Originally posted by: NuroMancer

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

That's awesome :laugh::thumbsup:

 

[CasioTech]

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Smack her in her face.

 

[Syrch]

Originally posted by: HumblePie
A guy walks into a empty bar during the middle of the day.

He asks the bartender to lay down 12 shots of tequila in a line for him.

Normally, the bartender doesn't do it, but it's slow today so he lays down 12 glasses and fills them up.

Immediately the picks one up and pounds it down, picks up the next one and pounds it down, picks up the third and pounds it down.

The bartender says, "Woah there buddy, you shouldn't be going that fast!"
The guy responds while throwin back another shot and looking a bit sick, "You be drinking fast too if you knew what I had."

The bartender get's apolegetic and says, "Sorry man, didn't mean to offend you but what do you have?"

As the guy finishes the last drink...
"About seventy five cents."

ROFL