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Your Best Jokes

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was
rooting
around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!'."

"I don't remember much after that."
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was
rooting
around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!'."

"I don't remember much after that."
Click to expand...

😀
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was
rooting
around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!'."

"I don't remember much after that."
Click to expand...

I smiled so 5/10.
 
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"
 
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crumby.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
elephino ... ell if i know.. get it? ::😀odges thrown tomatoes:::

 
Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"
Click to expand...

i dont ge tit
 
Originally posted by: maziwanka
Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"
Click to expand...

i dont ge tit
Click to expand...

pause = paws.
 
Originally posted by: maziwanka
Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"
Click to expand...

i dont ge tit
Click to expand...

Pause....he paused when he asked for the drink.....and polar bears happen to have big PAWS....a homonym to Pause...
 
Originally posted by: maziwanka
Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"
Click to expand...

i dont ge tit
Click to expand...

say it out loud...

pause == paws....hah get it

 
Originally posted by: maziwanka
Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"
Click to expand...

i dont ge tit
Click to expand...

Big paws.
 
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 

Q: What happened when Luke Skywalker was struggling with his chopsticks in a local Chinese restaurant?

A: Obi Wan Kenobi appeared to him in a vision and said, "Use the *fork* Luke!"
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Click to expand...

i like this one
 
Originally posted by: Spydermag68

Q: What happened when Luke Skywalker was struggling with his chopsticks in a local Chinese restaurant?

A: Obi Wan Kenobi appeared to him in a vision and said, "Use the *fork* Luke!"
Click to expand...

wow....first of all its a STAR WARS joke....and second of all....its very very dumb 😛

<simposons ripoff too!!!>
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Click to expand...


8/10
i wasnt expecting that
 
A guy walks into a empty bar during the middle of the day.

He asks the bartender to lay down 12 shots of tequila in a line for him.

Normally, the bartender doesn't do it, but it's slow today so he lays down 12 glasses and fills them up.

Immediately the picks one up and pounds it down, picks up the next one and pounds it down, picks up the third and pounds it down.

The bartender says, "Woah there buddy, you shouldn't be going that fast!"
The guy responds while throwin back another shot and looking a bit sick, "You be drinking fast too if you knew what I had."

The bartender get's apolegetic and says, "Sorry man, didn't mean to offend you but what do you have?"

As the guy finishes the last drink...
"About seventy five cents."
 
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
 
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
 
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