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Your Best Jokes
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sao123
Lifer
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside."
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.
The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to her desk, pulled out her CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, she threw down her pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. She threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside."
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.
The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to her desk, pulled out her CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, she threw down her pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. She threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
Amused
Elite Member
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to
meet the Chief. The Chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we
sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of
third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his
horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then
slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She
jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man-can only
think of one thing."
The second day, the Chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy
says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
horse.
The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's
ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She
gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians
shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man-going to die
tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes and the Chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"
The cowboy say, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring
him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! POSSE!"
Amused
Elite Member
One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.
Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.
"How did you get so much money?"
"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."
"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.
"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".
The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.
"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."
"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.
"You're right, they're not square!"
The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"
"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."
Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.
"How did you get so much money?"
"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."
"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.
"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".
The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.
"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."
"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.
"You're right, they're not square!"
The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"
"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."
JoLLyRoGer
Diamond Member
WINNAR! I laughed out loud for more than three minuites [tears streaming down my face].
Best joke of the thread!!:laugh:
That said:
How does a mathmatician solve constipation?
He works it out with a pencil!!
ifoundthetao
Senior member
Why did the woman cross the road?
who cares, what was she doing out the the kitchen in the first place.
who cares, what was she doing out the the kitchen in the first place.
HaxorNubcake
Golden Member
very nice. :thumbsup:
This middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
taken:
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
taken:
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
Amused
Elite Member
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge
bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there
is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened,telling him,"crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.
Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flatline...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run
into the room...
The husband is standing there,pulling up his pants and says...
"I think she choked."
bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there
is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened,telling him,"crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.
Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flatline...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run
into the room...
The husband is standing there,pulling up his pants and says...
"I think she choked."
scorpmatt
Diamond Member
A cop was sitting on the side of the road tagging people for speeding. he sat there all day but was starting to give up since he had not given out any tickets. This car comes screaming down the street and the cop thinks, theres my ticket. He tags the car, flips his lights on and pulls the car over. The cop walks up to the window and a young guy looks at him. the cop says, "you know, I've been waiting for you all day." The says, "well sir, I tried to get here as fast as possible." The cop laughed so hard that he let him go.
sao123
Lifer
There's this Indian fellow and he walks into a supermarket. He asks the attendant what types of toilet paper they have. The attandant tells him that they have several brands, ranging from the Kleenex for five bucks a roll to the NO-NAME brand for twenty cents a roll. So the Indian man says, "OK, I will have two rolls of NO-NAME paper, please".
The next week he comes back into the store and says to the attendant, "I have thought of a name for your NO-NAME toilet paper."
"Oh yes -- and what's that?"
"I shall call it the John Wayne toilet paper."
"Why?"
"Because, it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no sh!t from no Indian!"
THE BLOND AND THE COKE MACHINE
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asked if she is finished yet. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Duh... I'm still winning."
THE BLOND ENGINEER
A letter from a blonde Y2K engineer:
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
The next week he comes back into the store and says to the attendant, "I have thought of a name for your NO-NAME toilet paper."
"Oh yes -- and what's that?"
"I shall call it the John Wayne toilet paper."
"Why?"
"Because, it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no sh!t from no Indian!"
THE BLOND AND THE COKE MACHINE
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asked if she is finished yet. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Duh... I'm still winning."
THE BLOND ENGINEER
A letter from a blonde Y2K engineer:
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
might take a sec to figure this one out:
Town drunk Pete has been pounding drafts at the local bar all day. " I gotta crap" he slurs to the bartender. So he staggers to the toilet. A few minutes later the bartender hears a blood-curdling scream coming from the restroom. A little while later, another one. The bartender storms to the back and pounds on the door. "What the hell is going on in there? You're scaring the hell out of the customers!" Pete says, "Everytime I flush something jumps out the toilet and squeezes the hell outta my nuts!" The bartender kicks the door in. "You a**hole! Your sitting on the mop bucket!" 😛
Town drunk Pete has been pounding drafts at the local bar all day. " I gotta crap" he slurs to the bartender. So he staggers to the toilet. A few minutes later the bartender hears a blood-curdling scream coming from the restroom. A little while later, another one. The bartender storms to the back and pounds on the door. "What the hell is going on in there? You're scaring the hell out of the customers!" Pete says, "Everytime I flush something jumps out the toilet and squeezes the hell outta my nuts!" The bartender kicks the door in. "You a**hole! Your sitting on the mop bucket!" 😛
NuroMancer
Golden Member
thats worse that any other yet
imported_xaguynamedguyx
Senior member
wow
HaxorNubcake
Golden Member
if we can keep this going, a vote for sticky and official.
A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk.
"Nice tits love,I want to open a f ucking bank account," he says.
"I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier.
"Listen you dumb bitch," he says, "I want to open a f ucking bank account!"
"I'm sorry sir," she says, bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that."
And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.
The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no f ucking problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million
dollars on the f ucking lottery and I want to open a f ucking bank account!"
"I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this slut's giving you a hard time, is she?"
"Nice tits love,I want to open a f ucking bank account," he says.
"I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier.
"Listen you dumb bitch," he says, "I want to open a f ucking bank account!"
"I'm sorry sir," she says, bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that."
And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.
The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no f ucking problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million
dollars on the f ucking lottery and I want to open a f ucking bank account!"
"I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this slut's giving you a hard time, is she?"
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