• We’re currently investigating an issue related to the forum theme and styling that is impacting page layout and visual formatting. The problem has been identified, and we are actively working on a resolution. There is no impact to user data or functionality, this is strictly a front-end display issue. We’ll post an update once the fix has been deployed. Thanks for your patience while we get this sorted.

Your Best Jokes

Page 6 - Seeking answers? Join the AnandTech community: where nearly half-a-million members share solutions and discuss the latest tech.
I know this is a rip from someone else here but I have to repeat it...

Did you hear about the new Designer Label Clothing Line Michael Jackson is putting out to keep from going broke?
Yah, he's starting out by getting into little boy pants.



I also have some really TERRIBLE jokes... like this one.

Which is bigger? Mr. Bg or Mr. Big's baby?
The baby is a little bigger.

What did the blonde baby sitter get arrested for?
Squeezing the baby to hard to make baby oil.

For recreation, give a blonde a box of tictacs and tell her to go hang a picture on the wall with them


 
Originally posted by: franguinho
a polar bear walks into a bar and asks
"can i get a gin and ............................ tonic?"

bartender says "sure, but why the big pause?"

bear says "oh i've always had them"
Click to expand...

😀
 
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
 
Originally posted by: atmguru
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
Click to expand...


Heard this in a training session as "Captain Bravo"...small world, eh?
 
Originally posted by: atmguru
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
Click to expand...

LOL
:thumbsup:
 
Originally posted by: atmguru
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
Click to expand...

Brown pants?? 😕
 
This is a old one.....

A little farm boy gets off the bus from school and comes across a Cow. He kicks the Cow.
Walking along some more he comes across a Pig. He kicks the Pig.
Farther along he comes across a Chicken. He kicks the Chicken.

When he walks in the house the Mom says "I saw you kick the cow. Your punishment, no milk for a week. I saw you kick the pig, No bacon for a week. I saw you kick the chicken too, for that no eggs for a week."

Just them Dad comes storming in after along day of work and Kicks the Cat. The little boy looks at Mom and says "should I tell him or you?"


 
Originally posted by: hatim
Originally posted by: atmguru
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
Click to expand...

Brown pants?? 😕
Click to expand...

So they don't see him sh!tting his pants 😀
 
whens the only time you'll hear a guy at a Technical college say "Damn Hoes!".


when the water cooling system on his PC breaks.
 
Originally posted by: pclstyle
This middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
taken:

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
Click to expand...

ROFL
 
Originally posted by: ucdbiendog
Originally posted by: pclstyle
This middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
taken:

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
Click to expand...

ROFL
Click to expand...


!!!!!!!
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''
Click to expand...

this one isn't exactly clean, but funny.
 
Two sausages are cooking in a frying pan. One sausage says, "Hey, is it just me, or is it warm in here?" To which the other sausage replies, "AAAAAHHH!!! A Talking Sausage!!!"
--
Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
One to masturbate with, the other to moan.
--
Did you hear the one about the American Indian that had to sleep in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation?
--
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing.
--
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
 
Originally posted by: blazerazor
This is a old one.....

A little farm boy gets off the bus from school and comes across a Cow. He kicks the Cow.
Walking along some more he comes across a Pig. He kicks the Pig.
Farther along he comes across a Chicken. He kicks the Chicken.

When he walks in the house the Mom says "I saw you kick the cow. Your punishment, no milk for a week. I saw you kick the pig, No bacon for a week. I saw you kick the chicken too, for that no eggs for a week."

Just them Dad comes storming in after along day of work and Kicks the Cat. The little boy looks at Mom and says "should I tell him or you?"
Click to expand...

Ha! - Nice
 
The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who
used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot... If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you
would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love, Fred
 
Due to inherit a fortune when his ailing father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.
 
Originally posted by: tennesota
The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who
used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot... If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you
would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love, Fred
Click to expand...

hahahaha. that was good
 
Originally posted by: tennesota
Due to inherit a fortune when his ailing father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.
Click to expand...

Nice
 
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful,independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:

Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéd frog legs seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't freaking think so.
 
Originally posted by: Amused
One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.

Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.

"How did you get so much money?"

"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."

"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.

"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."

"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

"You're right, they're not square!"

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"

"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."
Click to expand...


LOL
 
Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

-----------------------------------
Here are some others
-----------------------------------

Corporate Motto: READY - FIRE - AIM !!!

Inasmuch as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land, it is clear that our time should be divided. 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work.

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. - Ashleigh Brilliant

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots.

Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

They say that you are put on earth to accomplish a certain amount of things. Right now I am so far behind... I'll never die...

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!

Those that make the rules don't play the game!

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

Never have I seen a word as accurate as politics. Poly meaning many, and tic being a blood-sucking thing.

I used to like political jokes until so many of them got elected!

When I was young I was told that anyone could be President. I'm beginning to believe it.

If you read a dictionary, you'll be really smart. If you eat a dictionary, you'll be really full.

(on a lecturer's door): The probability of finding me in this office is inversely proportional to the magnitude of your urgency.

If you freeze to death and end up in hell... wouldn't you be really comfortable some point along the way?

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware, you might meet the Undertaker

I brake for No Apparent Reason

I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers.

If you set out to fail, and actually succeed, which have you done?

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all
get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

TRENDING THREADS

Back
Top