NuroMancer
Golden Member
OOOOOOOOO. Thats bad
Casio
Casio
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Your Best Jokes
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NuroMancer
Golden Member
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
NuroMancer
Golden Member
One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''
shilala
Lifer
Here's the winnar...
Stashu the polander is down at the lake fishing when his buddy swings by.
He says, "Hey Stashu, didn't you just get married yesterday? Why aren't you home giving the old lady the high hard one?"
Stash says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea."
"Wow Stash, tough break. Why don'y ya flip her over and hit the brown spot?"
Stash says, "No can do, man. Diarrhea."
Stash's buddy says, "You just got married yesterday, certainly a facejob can't be out of the question already?"
Stash says, "Nope, Pyorrhea."
Absolutely boggled at this point, Stash's buddy says, "Damn man, this chick has gonnorhea, diarrhea and pyorrhea, what the hell did you marry her for anyways?"
Stash replies, "Well, she's got worms too, and I like fishin."
***drumroll***
Thanks folks, I'm here all week. 🙂
Stashu the polander is down at the lake fishing when his buddy swings by.
He says, "Hey Stashu, didn't you just get married yesterday? Why aren't you home giving the old lady the high hard one?"
Stash says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea."
"Wow Stash, tough break. Why don'y ya flip her over and hit the brown spot?"
Stash says, "No can do, man. Diarrhea."
Stash's buddy says, "You just got married yesterday, certainly a facejob can't be out of the question already?"
Stash says, "Nope, Pyorrhea."
Absolutely boggled at this point, Stash's buddy says, "Damn man, this chick has gonnorhea, diarrhea and pyorrhea, what the hell did you marry her for anyways?"
Stash replies, "Well, she's got worms too, and I like fishin."
***drumroll***
Thanks folks, I'm here all week. 🙂
imported_Phil
Diamond Member
:shocked::shocked::shocked:
sao123
Lifer
More engineer, mathematician, scientist, programmer jokes
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens - he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention - so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."
my favorite
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because she had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and she was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met her at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens - he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention - so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."
my favorite
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because she had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and she was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met her at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
cKGunslinger
Lifer
LOL! :thumbsup:
cKGunslinger
Lifer
I always hear that as one cannibal talking to another while eating a clown, saying "Does this taste funny to you?" - which makes a bit more sense. 😉
NuroMancer
Golden Member
Two gay guys are staying in a hotel.
Which gay guy gets out first in the morning
The one on the bottom because his sh!t is already packed.
Which gay guy gets out first in the morning
The one on the bottom because his sh!t is already packed.
just wanted to say you are an idiot. take a joke. and www.blablabla.com jokes havent been funny since austin powers.
NuroMancer
Golden Member
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
NuroMancer
Golden Member
Freshman Guide to Bra Removal
OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"
OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"
HombrePequeno
Diamond Member
Women's Suffrage?
cKGunslinger
Lifer
HAHAHAHA!
Wait... huh?
HombrePequeno
Diamond Member
For some reason I laughed really hard at that "joke."
Now if you don't mind, I'm going to check myself into a mental institution.
mitaiwan82
Platinum Member
perch = type of fish
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