Hubby can't get over wife's past

[Vdubchaos]

Err, what?

I'm answering his post about kids not finding it. In this day and age I think it's just a matter of time.

That's not the issue though. The only thing that's an issue with the story in the OP is that she didn't tell her husband about it before they got married. Her being a porn star is not the problem. It's part of her past, it can't be changed, and that's fine. But she definitely could have and should have told him about it IMHO.

Why is this so hard for people to understand?

That's pretty much where I stand.

I understand where you're coming from. I'm not saying to just be all good with it. If my Wife came out and said she used to be a Porn star, and didn't disclose that when we were dating I would be pissed too. But I don't think I'd pissed enough to leave her and break up my family. It would hurt, but I would eventually deal/get over it.

Until it happens to you and you go thru it I will never EVER believe the statement above.

 

[Imp]

She's not 27, according to the OP.

Reread article. Yep, she was 27 about 5 years ago, so 13 years.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

She's not 27, according to the OP.

Indeed. They've been married 5 years and got married when she was 27, so she's ~32. That would put the videos at being made around 1999. So, you know, happy hunting.

 

[CombatChuk]

That's pretty much where I stand.



Until it happens to you and you go thru it I will never EVER believe the statement above.

Fair enough, but that's how I would like to think that's how I would react. I personally believe Divorce is thrown around bit to casually nowadays, so in order to invoke that would have to be a marriage Armageddon. You're basically assuming the worse would happen, when I believe the reaction for most people would be about 50/50.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

That's not the issue though. The only thing that's an issue with the story in the OP is that she didn't tell her husband about it before they got married. Her being a porn star is not the problem. It's part of her past, it can't be changed, and that's fine. But she definitely could have and should have told him about it IMHO.

Why is this so hard for people to understand?

Why should she have told him about something that she hadn't done in 7+ years? Is it solely because there was a possibility that it would surface later? That seems like a pretty arbitrary distinction. What if he had a history of drug use in his teenage years (though he sounds like way too much of a pantywaist for that to be the case), and his friend randomly uploaded some 15 year old picture of him smoking crack to Facebook? Does she have a right to be angry with him since it's now in the public domain? If the porn had never been found (and, by the way, let's not gloss over that him "finding out" about the porn meant that he was browsing for porn), does it make their relationship less real since he doesn't know her entire past?

I just don't understand how finding out something negative about somebody from their youth would cause you to completely discount the person that you know. People change. Everyone does some shit they regret. What gets me is that you all sound like you're branding her with a scarlet letter for her indiscretions, and I can't for the life of me figure out why? It's not like he thought he was marrying a virgin; she has kids from a previous relationship already. What is the big deal?

 

[Cookie]

Why is this so hard for people to understand?

Because everyone's opinion about what is 'required' info and what is not, differs. If he asked her prior to getting married and she lied about it I'd agree, she was decieptful. Maybe she never thought it was important enough information, especially since it happened so long before they met, and clearly it was something she wasn't proud of and wanted to forget herself.

I'm curious, for comparison sake, what he did that was less than angelic.

 

[Imp]

If the porn had never been found (and, by the way, let's not gloss over that him "finding out" about the porn meant that he was browsing for porn), does it make their relationship less real since he doesn't know her entire past?

If he found it while browsing, he was also probably browsing "teen" porn.

 

[sixone]

I don't feel bad for her ONE bit. We all live with our mistakes from the past. Why shouldn't it be any different from her.

She should've told him from the get go but she chose to be shady.

And no, I'm ONLY putting myself into victims shoes. There is NOTHING for her to decide on or do here.

"Shady"? Where did you read that in the OP? Since it wasn't there, you're making up how you think she felt at the time. That's not fair.

Yes there was. She kept a secret from him that is VERY serious and should be disclosed to your SO (just like ex marriage/kids/STDs etc).

That doesn't make him a victim. A victim is someone who's been treated badly in some way. Doesn't apply to him.

Yes, and what he will do is anyone's guess. What I'm saying is, whatever he chooses I can COMPLETELY understand. Regardless if he leaves her or stays. Just don't tell me he would be stupid for leaving her cause that's what I have beef with.

She would be VERY lucky if he stayed and regardless this will have a HUGE effect on their relationships (rather they like it or not). AND their family life.

People deal with worse stuff all the time - cancer, unemployment, car accidents. Anyone who breaks up their family over something like this...yeah, stupid is the word I'd use.

SHE is the one that is torpedoing entire family (if he chooses to leave). It's HER fault for keeping this secret. She knew it would be out of the bag and have an effect on the family.

Again you are blaming a victim.

From a man's perspective, I'm telling you it's extremely difficult to swallow a pill like this. I know you think it's not a big deal, but trust me, it's a HUGE deal.

Heck I would rather have my wife CHEAT on me DURING our marriage than tell me something like this. That's just DEVASTATING.

I didn't say it's not a big deal. I said it's not worth torpedoing the family over. That will be his choice, not hers. She managed to keep it from ruining their family for five years. Now it's his turn.

Correct, just don't tell me he is stupid if he leaves her, cause he isn't.

I would have to be in his shoes and see how I feel when it comes. But my gut feeling tells me I would most likely leave my wife as this is something that I can see myself being VERY hurt with and NEVER getting over.

But my guess is as good as yours.

I didn't mean it like that Six. I was busting chops. I didn't think I would strike a nerve (and I'm sorry if I did).

:|

When I post about my personal life, feel free to discuss it. Until then, please stick to the topic at hand.

 

[T_Yamamoto]

Lol@comments

 

[Red Storm]

Why should she have told him about something that she hadn't done in 7+ years? Is it solely because there was a possibility that it would surface later? That seems like a pretty arbitrary distinction. What if he had a history of drug use in his teenage years (though he sounds like way too much of a pantywaist for that to be the case), and his friend randomly uploaded some 15 year old picture of him smoking crack to Facebook? Does she have a right to be angry with him since it's now in the public domain? If the porn had never been found (and, by the way, let's not gloss over that him "finding out" about the porn meant that he was browsing for porn), does it make their relationship less real since he doesn't know her entire past?

I just don't understand how finding out something negative about somebody from their youth would cause you to completely discount the person that you know. People change. Everyone does some shit they regret. What gets me is that you all sound like you're branding her with a scarlet letter for her indiscretions, and I can't for the life of me figure out why? It's not like he thought he was marrying a virgin; she has kids from a previous relationship already. What is the big deal?

You keep focusing on what she did while we keep trying to say that it's not what she did, it's that she didn't tell him about it before they got married. If it wasn't a big deal she wouldn't have broken down crying harder than he's ever seen when it was found out (from the article).

 

[djnsmith7]

If we were discussing how many partners she had before being with him, and she threw out a number, say, 10 - 20, that would be one thing. But the fact that this story made its way to the internet and now everyone can read about it, that's an entirely different ballgame.

Some of you are focusing on the fact that she had sex with 10 - 20 different guys before she met her husband, but there's a lot more going on here than that. That number is just the tip of the iceberg.

She should have told him that she did stuff that could make its way to the internet & he may come across it someday, as well as his friends & family members. There should have been a discussion. The simple fact that he has to find out about it like this changes the dynamics of the situation altogether.

I agree with Insomniator on this one. This will be a tough pill for the husband to swallow & I don't know that things will ever be the same in his head, regardless of what he says publicly.

This isn't one of those things that you hope & pray your SO never finds out about. Probably the biggest mistake she'll ever make in her life.

 

[Vdubchaos]

"Shady"? Where did you read that in the OP? Since it wasn't there, you're making up how you think she felt at the time. That's not fair.

No clue what you mean here.

That doesn't make him a victim. A victim is someone who's been treated badly in some way. Doesn't apply to him.

What does it make him then? Of course he is a victim. She kept pretty important detail from him that can and probably will break their marriage. Woman can't ALWAYS be innocent, sorry but she is in the wrong here (any way you cut it).

People deal with worse stuff all the time - cancer, unemployment, car accidents. Anyone who breaks up their family over something like this...yeah, stupid is the word I'd use.

Ok but people don't force Cancer, unemployment, car accidents onto themselves. I think anyone that keeps a secret like this from their partner is shady and stupid. This guy is NOT stupid for breaking up with her over this. Their trust is jeopardized and he has been lied to. He has EVERY reason to divorce this lady.

I didn't say it's not a big deal. I said it's not worth torpedoing the family over. That will be his choice, not hers. She managed to keep it from ruining their family for five years. Now it's his turn.

It was HER choice to withhold that information from him knowing VERY well that it would put her entire family on the line. She is the one that decided to do that, this guy just has to deal with it now.

She LIED to CREATE a family for 5 years, knowing VERY well it would probably break it up when the truth came out (was a matter of time).

When I post about my personal life, feel free to discuss it. Until then, please stick to the topic at hand.

I'm not discussion your personal life. I asked you if you were a porn star or something. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to.

 

[Vdubchaos]

If we were discussing how many partners she had before being with him, and she threw out a number, say, 10 - 20, that would be one thing. But the fact that this story made its way to the internet and now everyone can read about it, that's an entirely different ballgame.

Some of you are focusing on the fact that she had sex with 10 - 20 different guys before she met her husband, but there's a lot more going on here than that. That number is just the tip of the iceberg.

She should have told him that she did stuff that could make its way to the internet & he may come across it someday, as well as his friends & family members. There should have been a discussion. The simple fact that he has to find out about it like this changes the dynamics of the situation altogether.

I agree with Insomniator on this one. This will be a tough pill for the husband to swallow & I don't know that things will ever be the same in his head, regardless of what he says publicly.

This isn't one of those things that you hope & pray your SO never finds out about. Probably the biggest mistake she'll ever make in her life.

Agreed

 

[Fanatical Meat]

Again everyone is assuming he or somebody he knows found it and was smart enough to connect the dots. I highly doubt that with the sheer volume of porn out there. Its far more likely that some catty friend said something or who knows maybe paper work when buying a house or something.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

You keep focusing on what she did while we keep trying to say that it's not what she did, it's that she didn't tell him about it before they got married. If it wasn't a big deal she wouldn't have broken down crying harder than he's ever seen when it was found out (from the article).

The what is the important part, though. She may not have told him about that Shakespeare course she failed in college. Or maybe she got her nipples pierced on a drunken bender then let them heal up when she sobered up. I don't think anyone is going to come to the husband's defense if he's lamenting the fact that his wife never told him she was a huge fan of Dawson's Creek in high school. But because she did porn, she's in the wrong and he's a victim of her lies? Hogwash. You're the one claiming that doing porn is something that must be revealed to future sexual partners, as though it were a persistent STD. I disagree. He found it, and he should discuss it with her because that's a grown-up thing to do. But if he feels like he was "lied to," he's a sad, immature child.

 

[Vdubchaos]

Again everyone is assuming he or somebody he knows found it and was smart enough to connect the dots. I highly doubt that with the sheer volume of porn out there. Its far more likely that some catty friend said something or who knows maybe paper work when buying a house or something.

Kind of irrelevant now.

What's relevant is that she decided to not to disclose that information knowing VERY well that her family future would be on the line.

WHILE counting that her husband would be too deep into it to leave her at this point.

Just SO wrong on SO many levels.

 

[sixone]

No clue what you mean here.

"Shady" comes from you. You didn't read it in the OP.

What does it make him then? Of course he is a victim. She kept pretty important detail from him that can and probably will break their marriage. Woman can't ALWAYS be innocent, sorry but she is in the wrong here (any way you cut it).

No, he's not a victim. Nothing has changed since they got married, and her porn activities didn't have ANY negative effect on his life until he found out about it.

Ok but people don't force Cancer, unemployment, car accidents onto themselves. I think anyone that keeps a secret like this from their partner is shady and stupid. This guy is NOT stupid for breaking up with her over this. Their trust is jeopardized and he has been lied to. He has EVERY reason to divorce this lady.

There was no "lie". There is no evidence of bad intentions on her part, whatsoever. A bad choice, sure - but it doesn't have to be fatal to the marriage. That's on him and him alone.

It was HER choice to withhold that information from him knowing VERY well that it would put her entire family on the line. She is the one that decided to do that, this guy just has to deal with it now.

She LIED to CREATE a family for 5 years, knowing VERY well it would probably break it up when the truth came out (was a matter of time).

How do you know that she KNEW it would put her entire family on the line? The OP didn't say anything like that.

Given the amount of porn available on the web, it's not unreasonable to think that hers wouldn't get any special attention. She tried to put it behind her, but that choice wasn't hers to make.

I'm not discussion your personal life. I asked you if you were a porn star or something. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to.

Gosh, thanks. Big of you.

 

[Fanatical Meat]

Meh I can understand someone being intimidated, depressed or fearful of it but assuming its nothing completely crazy it will simply stay in the past.

 

[Vdubchaos]

The what is the important part, though. She may not have told him about that Shakespeare course she failed in college. Or maybe she got her nipples pierced on a drunken bender then let them heal up when she sobered up. I don't think anyone is going to come to the husband's defense if he's lamenting the fact that his wife never told him she was a huge fan of Dawson's Creek in high school. But because she did porn, she's in the wrong and he's a victim of her lies? Hogwash. You're the one claiming that doing porn is something that must be revealed to future sexual partners, as though it were a persistent STD. I disagree. He found it, and he should discuss it with her because that's a grown-up thing to do. But if he feels like he was "lied to," he's a sad, immature child.

You call me out on comparing Aids to failed marriage while you go ahead and compare Porn to some Shakespeare course and nipple piercings.

There is a FINE line what you expect someone to disclose to you before getting into MARRIAGE (or even a serious relationship).

Porn, Children, Marriage, nudes are all of those things.

If she had a gangbang with entire world is irrelevant as long as it wasn't on camera for her future husband to see. What he doesn't know (or can't find out) can't hurt him.

Porn is something people eventually find out. Simple as that.

 

[sixone]

Kind of irrelevant now.

What's relevant is that she decided to not to disclose that information knowing VERY well that her family future would be on the line.

WHILE counting that her husband would be too deep into it to leave her at this point.

Just SO wrong on SO many levels.

Again, how do you know that she knew it would be revealed, or that she was counting on her husband being unable to leave her?

That isn't covered in the OP. You're making it up, to fit your argument.

 

[Printer Bandit]

no pics makes this thread worthless.

 

[GrumpyMan]

Let's face it, the reason she didn't tell him is because at the time she probably knew that he would never marry her if she had told him. So she kept it hidden, big mistake now, since everyone and their grandmother knows about it.
"Daddy? Why do all the kids in school call mommy a porn star and whore? They showed me some nasty pictures."
"Well gee honey, we must forgive everyone for their past mistakes and just forget about all the merciless teasing that all the kids will give you from now until you graduate."
Yeah right....

 

[Cookie]

There is a FINE line what you expect someone to disclose to you before getting into MARRIAGE (or even a serious relationship).

Porn, Children, Marriage, nudes are all of those things.

Those are the things YOU think are important. Why do you assume (when quite clearly just within the participants of this thread it's not the case) that everyone has to agree with you about which items are on the list of things to disclose!? If a history in porn was that important to him, why didn't he ask her before he got married?

 

[Blackjack200]

It's the point just before his wife steps outside the house without her face being completely covered.

Yeah, it's pretty clear the way some people in this thread view women. Pathetic, just pathetic to think this way in 2012.

Anything but Porn, Nudes, STD, marriage or children.

Whatever she did before me, I simply don't even want to know/want to hear it (her business). I don't care.

What about a private sex tape? What if she made a sex tape with her partner back in 1999 and it was supposed to be private, but then it got stolen or a vengeful ex put it on the internet?

I mean, she should know that at some point, the tape could have gotten out, and then there would be no way to spare her husband the infinite humiliation of a video of his 13-years-ago wife having sex on the internet.

 

[Vdubchaos]

"Shady" comes from you. You didn't read it in the OP.

Shady is what I feel she did to him. She was shady about it knowing very well that not disclosing the info would give her better chances down the line to keep the relationship in tact.

It's messed up.

No, he's not a victim. Nothing has changed since they got married, and her porn activities didn't have ANY negative effect on his life until he found out about it.

I don't agree. He IS a victim and although it didn't have any negative effect before, it will NOW. And she knew VERY well it would.

There was no "lie". There is no evidence of bad intentions on her part, whatsoever. A bad choice, sure - but it doesn't have to be fatal to the marriage. That's on him and him alone.

So if your husband didn't tell you about his previous marriage or children....you would be cool with that?

It doesn't have to be fatal, but it most likely will be. And it's a choice that should be presented to an individual LONG before anything serious. Especially due to sensitivity of the subject and possible fatal results of the relationship (which are high).

How do you know that she KNEW it would put her entire family on the line? The OP didn't say anything like that.

Because any decent human being with half a brain would know that it would just be a matter of time before they would find out.

It wasn't a matter of IF, it was a matter of when. She was naive and deceptive with her actions.

Given the amount of porn available on the web, it's not unreasonable to think that hers wouldn't get any special attention. She tried to put it behind her, but that choice wasn't hers to make.

Ohh well, she should've thought about that before doing the porn. Even if it was 100% that he would never find it, it's something she should've been honest about.

Gosh, thanks. Big of you.

What's big of me? Asking you a question? I'm sorry for that.