Hubby can't get over wife's past

[polarmystery]

I agree with you.

I just don't buy the BS people are saying here "ohh it's in the past so it can't/shouldn't hurt". You must either have 0 feelings or simply can't even find a half decent significant other in life/be desperate or something.

I'm just looking at it from this poor guys shoes and this is not cool at all and I'm 100% sure it would hurt me quite a bit.

Yup. It doesn't matter what someone did in their past...but I couldn't deny that when it happened to me it did in fact hurt. I know their past doesn't matter to our future, but upon learning about something I didn't like that they did, no matter what I told myself it always would dwell in the back of my mind and hurt at some level. I'll keep my ignorance.

 

[Vdubchaos]

She already had a kid when they got together, so he knew she wasn't a virgin. There's nothing new here.

And since the OP doesn't say whether he's actually viewed anything, you're making assumptions that have no basis in fact.

Look, there is a HUGE difference between previous relationship/sex with people and PORN (on video for world/family/kids/YOU to see).

Totally different planets here.

I don't give a shit what my wife has done before me, as long as it's not out there for me to see/I don't know. What I don't know/can't see CANNOT hurt me.

Kapish?

And that's the reason why they say "woman should NEVER talk about their past relationships". And it's true. BUT if you did Porn, I feel that your potential partner should know up front.

So if he didn't view it, how did he find out? Of course he viewed it. And even if he didn't.....trust me, he will.

Yup. It doesn't matter what someone did in their past...but I couldn't deny that when it happened to me it did in fact hurt. I know their past doesn't matter to our future, but upon learning about something I didn't like that they did, no matter what I told myself it always would dwell in the back of my mind and hurt at some level. I'll keep my ignorance.

This is basic human nature whenever it comes to someone you love.

I'm the same way, don't worry. I would rather not know either.

 

[sixone]

Look, there is a HUGE difference between previous relationship/sex with people and PORN (on video for world/family/kids/YOU to see).

Totally different planets here.

I don't give a shit what my wife has done before me, as long as it's not out there for me to see/I don't know.

Kapish?

So if he didn't view it, how did he find out? Of course he viewed it. And even if he didn't.....trust me, he will.

Not that different, sorry. And you know I'm no fan of porn.

If it's okay for her to do it, as long as YOU don't have to SEE it, you're the one with the problem. If you need to pretend that it didn't happen, and not seeing it helps you do that, then you have a problem coping with reality.

 

[Blackjack200]

You see, it is. Certain information should be disclosed in a relationship. Not sharing (porn, nudes or STD) type information is lying.

What if she was having threesomes or group sex, but not making porn. Is that something she should have to disclose as well? What about if she had sex with other women in the past? What about S&M?

I just want to get a sense for where you'd draw the line...

 

[Red Storm]

What if she was having threesomes or group sex, but not making porn. Is that something she should have to disclose as well? What about if she had sex with other women in the past? What about S&M?

I just want to get a sense for where you'd draw the line...

It's pretty clear where that line is.

 

[Cookie]

I literally could not possibly care less about my fiancee's past before she met me. "Oh, you did porn when you were younger? I had some threeways in college myself, and I've done illegal drugs off more than one human being's body. Man, wasn't being young a blast? But I'm glad that's all behind us and we can move forward in our lives together." That's what a grown-up does. If you aren't capable of forgiving people for indiscretions they made when they didn't even know you, it sounds like you're the one who has some growing up to do.

+1

 

[Vdubchaos]

Not that different, sorry. And you know I'm no fan of porn.

No I don't know....

If it's okay for her to do it, as long as YOU don't have to SEE it, you're the one with the problem. If you need to pretend that it didn't happen, and not seeing it helps you do that, then you have a problem coping with reality.

I'm not sure if I CAN or would be willing to cope with the reality (even if I didn't see it). Not when I love someone/long into relationship.

BUT if she was up front with it when we started, heck I would've probably checked out the videos.....possibly even find it attractive.....and would maybe embrace it. I don't know, but what I do know is that I like honesty and honest people.

Honesty ALONE would probably turn me on towards her.

How I would react after seeing the video while dating her and if I would consider dating her again is something I can't answer.

BUT if she wasn't up front with me about it from the get go and tells me YEARS into marriage, that's just FUCKED UP (any way you spin it). And yes it would hurt me A LOT and would make me question our trust and marriage.

 

[Cookie]

What if she was having threesomes or group sex, but not making porn. Is that something she should have to disclose as well? What about if she had sex with other women in the past? What about S&M?

I just want to get a sense for where you'd draw the line...

It's the point just before his wife steps outside the house without her face being completely covered.

 

[Vdubchaos]

What if she was having threesomes or group sex, but not making porn. Is that something she should have to disclose as well? What about if she had sex with other women in the past? What about S&M?

I just want to get a sense for where you'd draw the line...

Anything but Porn, Nudes, STD, marriage or children.

Whatever she did before me, I simply don't even want to know/want to hear it (her business). I don't care.

 

[sixone]

I'm not sure if I CAN or would be willing to cope with the reality (even if I didn't see it). Not when I love someone/long into relationship.

BUT if she was up front with it when we started, heck I would've probably checked out the videos.....possibly even find it attractive.....and would maybe embrace it. I don't know, but what I do know is that I like honesty and honest people.

Honesty ALONE would probably turn me on towards her.

How I would react after seeing the video while dating her and if I would consider dating her again is something I can't answer.

BUT if she wasn't up front with me about it from the get go and tells me YEARS into marriage, that's just FUCKED UP (any way you spin it)

If you married someone who had been married before and had a kid, as described in the OP, that IS the reality. You're not going to see anything on that recording that she probably didn't do with her first husband.

The bottom line is that he didn't NEED to know. Not then, and certainly not now. It shouldn't affect his life in any way - and whether it does is HIS choice, not hers.

 

[KaOTiK]

I just wish we knew who his wife is.

 

[Red Storm]

If you married someone who had been married before and had a kid, as described in the OP, that IS the reality. You're not going to see anything on that recording that she probably didn't do with her first husband.

The bottom line is that he didn't NEED to know. Not then, and certainly not now. It shouldn't affect his life in any way - and whether it does is HIS choice, not hers.

"Hey man, watched your wife get DP'd last night! Pretty crazy!"

Says the guy's neighbor. Would you want your kids to be bombarded with pics and clips of their mom being banged in a porno by their schoolmates? No sane person would want that on their children. She can't erase her past (and that's not the issue), but she could have let her husband know about it before they got married.

Sex and porn are not at all the same thing, I don't see how anyone could think that. Who she slept with before doesn't matter... unless one of them gave her an STD, or one of them did it for a job to sell copies online. There are certain things that should be told when in a relationship and certain things that don't need to be told. Having kids, STDs, or a history as a porn star is one of them.

 

[Vdubchaos]

If you married someone who had been married before and had a kid, as described in the OP, that IS the reality.

If they disclosed the information while dating before marriage, I'm cool with it.

You're not going to see anything on that recording that she probably didn't do with her first husband.

I understand that. But it's the deception/hiding the info and foundation of a relationship based on a lie that I don't like.

And watching my loved one getting banged up (and I never knew about it). That just hurts WAY too much.

The bottom line is that he didn't NEED to know. Not then, and certainly not now. It shouldn't affect his life in any way - and whether it does is HIS choice, not hers.

The bottom line is, the guy is not at fault here.He is a victim.

SHE is the one that fucked up by not telling him up front.

And yes, it WILL effect his life, his thoughts, his feelings FOREVER (rather you like it or not).

And it is HER choice by not disclosing that info. She should've told him to begin with. Now her marriage is on the line (and chances are high it will be over).

You won't find many man in this world that are willing to swallow this pill. Do you see what happens when we have "should I date a stripper thread"? I'm pretty sure Porn star would be LOT worse. And I'm also pretty sure finding out YEARS later that your wife WAS a porn star but she hid the information is considered LOT worse than the rest.

What's wrong Sixone, were you a porn start or something and now think you will never find a decent man? : D Seems like there is plenty around these ways....hehe

 

[CombatChuk]

She screwed up for not being forthcoming about her past. But as long as she didn't get an STD (And transfer it to him) I don't see it being a Wedding breaker. You have to be open about that kind of stuff when you get married. So I would be pissed for a while and just get over it eventually. Probably asking about it will help speed up the process.

 

[Vdubchaos]

"Hey man, watched your wife get DP'd last night! Pretty crazy!"

Says the guy's neighbor. Would you want your kids to be bombarded with pics and clips of their mom being banged in a porno by their schoolmates? No sane person would want that on their children. She can't erase her past (and that's not the issue), but she could have let her husband know about it before they got married.

Sex and porn are not at all the same thing, I don't see how anyone could think that. Who she slept with before doesn't matter... unless one of them gave her an STD, or one of them did it for a job to sell copies online. There are certain things that should be told when in a relationship and certain things that don't need to be told. Having kids, STDs, or a history as a porn star is one of them.

Yep

I'm struggling to figure out why we are even going back and forth on this subject. Pretty clear cut (if you ask me)

 

[sixone]

"Hey man, watched your wife get DP'd last night! Pretty crazy!"

Says the guy's neighbor. Would you want your kids to be bombarded with pics and clips of their mom being banged in a porno by their schoolmates? No sane person would want that on their children. She can't erase her past (and that's not the issue), but she could have let her husband know about it before they got married.

Sex and porn are not at all the same thing, I don't see how anyone could think that. Who she slept with before doesn't matter... unless one of them gave her an STD, or one of them did it for a job to sell copies online. There are certain things that should be told when in a relationship and certain things that don't need to be told. Having kids, STDs, or a history as a porn star is one of them.

Since they both had kids before they got together, there was absolutely nothing she could do at that point to protect the kids from that kind of boorish behavior on the part of other people. Letting her husband know wouldn't have prevented any of what you describe - unless he tucked tail and ran before they ever got married.

And I bet she's wishing now that she had.

 

[CombatChuk]

There is so much Porn out there, I mean what's the chance that it would really show up in 2012? If she was getting paid 300 bucks it's probably some piece of shit type of production that's all traces of it is probably gone by now.

 

[Red Storm]

It's not about what she did, it's about her trying to hide it from her husband. You don't do that to your husband/wife. You tell them before you get married. It's as simple as that. The same way you would tell them if you had kids or an STD.

There is so much Porn out there, I mean what's the chance that it would really show up in 2012?

Before I would have agreed with you, but they have vintage porn on the internet too. You know your kids are going to start watching it at some point too, so it's only a matter of time before they stumble on their mom's vids.

 

[sixone]

If they disclosed the information while dating before marriage, I'm cool with it.

I understand that. But it's the deception/hiding the info and foundation of a relationship based on a lie that I don't like.

And watching my loved one getting banged up (and I never knew about it). That just hurts WAY too much.

And do you really think she's hurting any less? Have you spent as much time in her shoes as you have his?

The bottom line is, the guy is not at fault here.He is a victim.

He's not a victim. Nothing was done to him.

SHE is the one that fucked up by not telling him up front.

I already said she should have told him. But he's got to deal with what is, not what should have been.

His choices are 1) torpedo the entire family, or 2) find some way to put it behind him. And focusing on what she should have done is only going to lead to the worst possible outcome.

And yes, it WILL effect his life, his thoughts, his feelings FOREVER (rather you like it or not).

That's up to him, and no one else. He's a grown man, and he gets to decide how to go forward.

And it is HER choice by not disclosing that info. She should've told him to begin with. Now her marriage is on the line (and chances are high it will be over).

You won't find many man in this world that are willing to swallow this pill. Do you see what happens when we have "should I date a stripper thread"? I'm pretty sure Porn star would be LOT worse. And I'm also pretty sure finding out YEARS later that your wife WAS a porn star but she hid the information is considered LOT worse than the rest.

That's your choice. If you found this out about your wife today, can you really see any other alternative other than keeping your family together?

What's wrong Sixone, were you a porn start or something and now think you will never find a decent man? : D Seems like there is plenty around these ways....hehe

I didn't expect that kind of crap from you. I thought you were better than that.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Before I would have agreed with you, but they have vintage porn on the internet too. You know your kids are going to start watching it at some point too, so it's only a matter of time before they stumble on their mom's vids.

God help us if someone should ever be forced to have an awkward conversation. Better that if you haven't lived your life squeaky clean in absolutely every possible regard, you never get married or procreate since you're just going to have to justify your past to your loved ones, and let's face it, they're going to hate you for not being perfect. That's how people function, right? I mean, if you found out your mom did porn, you'd have to kill yourself from the embarrassment?

What is wrong with you people?

Incidentally, have you ever watched vintage porn and thought, "hey, that's somebody's great grandmother up there?" Do you think they'd know if they opened it that it was their gam-gam getting nailed? Would you know? I've never seen a picture of my great grandmothers, young, old or otherwise. Maybe I've accidentally stumbled across a porno of them and didn't know it. If I finished, does that mean I have incestuous thoughts? Really makes you think....

I'm gonna go find me some vintage porn.

 

[Red Storm]

God help us if someone should ever be forced to have an awkward conversation. Better that if you haven't lived your life squeaky clean in absolutely every possible regard, you never get married or procreate since you're just going to have to justify your past to your loved ones, and let's face it, they're going to hate you for not being perfect. That's how people function, right? I mean, if you found out your mom did porn, you'd have to kill yourself from the embarrassment?

What is wrong with you people?

Err, what?

I'm answering his post about kids not finding it. In this day and age I think it's just a matter of time.

That's not the issue though. The only thing that's an issue with the story in the OP is that she didn't tell her husband about it before they got married. Her being a porn star is not the problem. It's part of her past, it can't be changed, and that's fine. But she definitely could have and should have told him about it IMHO.

Why is this so hard for people to understand?

 

[CombatChuk]

Err, what?

I'm answering his post about kids not finding it. In this day and age I think it's just a matter of time.

That's not the issue though. The only thing that's an issue with the story in the OP is that she didn't tell her husband about it before they got married. Her being a porn star is not the problem.

Why is this so hard for people to understand?

I understand where you're coming from. I'm not saying to just be all good with it. If my Wife came out and said she used to be a Porn star, and didn't disclose that when we were dating I would be pissed too. But I don't think I'd pissed enough to leave her and break up my family. It would hurt, but I would eventually deal/get over it.

 

[Imp]

I just wish we knew who his wife is.

They're 27, and she did it when she was 19, so that would put it at 8-ish years ago around 2004.

That's a lot of porn to have to sift through for 2003-2005.

Edit: Woops, she got married at 27 and that was 5 years ago, so that means 13 years... 1998 to 2001. That might narrow the "search grid".

 

[Vdubchaos]

And do you really think she's hurting any less? Have you spent as much time in her shoes as you have his?

I don't feel bad for her ONE bit. We all live with our mistakes from the past. Why shouldn't it be any different from her.

She should've told him from the get go but she chose to be shady.

And no, I'm ONLY putting myself into victims shoes. There is NOTHING for her to decide on or do here.

He's not a victim. Nothing was done to him.

Yes there was. She kept a secret from him that is VERY serious and should be disclosed to your SO (just like ex marriage/kids/STDs etc).

I already said she should have told him. But he's got to deal with what is, not what should have been.

Yes, and what he will do is anyone's guess. What I'm saying is, whatever he chooses I can COMPLETELY understand. Regardless if he leaves her or stays. Just don't tell me he would be stupid for leaving her cause that's what I have beef with.

She would be VERY lucky if he stayed and regardless this will have a HUGE effect on their relationships (rather they like it or not). AND their family life.

His choices are 1) torpedo the entire family, or 2) find some way to put it behind him. And focusing on what she should have done is only going to lead to the worst possible outcome.

SHE is the one that is torpedoing entire family (if he chooses to leave). It's HER fault for keeping this secret. She knew it would be out of the bag and have an effect on the family.

Again you are blaming a victim.

From a man's perspective, I'm telling you it's extremely difficult to swallow a pill like this. I know you think it's not a big deal, but trust me, it's a HUGE deal.

Heck I would rather have my wife CHEAT on me DURING our marriage than tell me something like this. That's just DEVASTATING.

That's up to him, and no one else. He's a grown man, and he gets to decide how to go forward.

Correct, just don't tell me he is stupid if he leaves her, cause he isn't.

That's your choice. If you found this out about your wife today, can you really see any other alternative other than keeping your family together?

I would have to be in his shoes and see how I feel when it comes. But my gut feeling tells me I would most likely leave my wife as this is something that I can see myself being VERY hurt with and NEVER getting over.

But my guess is as good as yours.

I didn't expect that kind of crap from you. I thought you were better than that.

I didn't mean it like that Six. I was busting chops. I didn't think I would strike a nerve (and I'm sorry if I did).

:|

 

[sixone]

They're 27, and she did it when she was 19, so that would put it at 8-ish years ago around 2004.

That's a lot of porn to have to sift through for 2003-2005.

She's not 27, according to the OP.