Hubby can't get over wife's past

[GrumpyMan]

I'm sure most of his stress is about his family, friends, children, etc. finding this out. He could forgive eventually, maybe, but those people will never forget and the news would spread like wild fire. If he found out, so could they.

 

[sixone]

Put yourself in his shoes. And let's say he had Aids.

"How would you deal with what IS? He is still the same person you fell in love with and married. He hasn't done anything wrong, since you've been together. That should be your first consideration."

Sorry, but I don't agree. Trust has been broken.

Rule #1 of porn is, once you do it, finding intimate partner is next to impossible (you basically give it up for LIFE). She knew this and never cared to share the info with her loved one. She lied, simple as that.

And no she is NOT the same person he fell in love with. Cause chances are he would've never fell in love with her or broke with her if she was honest with him.

That's not a good analogy. He's not going to come down with a sudden urge to star in his own porn videos, now that he's been exposed. Based on the info provided, her history doesn't have any health consequences for him.

And claiming that she "never cared to share the info" isn't supported by the info available, either. In fact, your claim that he would have dumped her if she'd been honest about it pretty well contradicts that claim.

And your rule SUCKS. She shouldn't be punished for the rest of her life, for some stupid decisions when she was 19 y/o.

If he really loves her like he says, it's on him to find a way to cope with this new info. If he throws away his kids' family over this, he's a dumbass.

 

[Fanatical Meat]

I hope i get to age where I wouldn't care about something like this. Now though, get outta here.


Put it this way --- if your friends could pull up videos of your wife on the internet at will how would you feel? 'Its in the past' so its ok?

That would be different it doesn't seem like that is the case with this guy. Hell its easy for women to change their appearance, I'd bet it would be hard to identify her. My guess is someone she knew let the cat out of the bag.
20's this would have bothered me big time
Late 20s to mid 30's it would bother me
36+ less and less.

I did date a er dancer when I was 22 for about 9 months, she was a ton of fun looking back at it i should have gone to the club with some good friends. There were always really cool after parties with a bunch of girls looking for normal guys. Looking back at it I don't understand why some friend of mine seeing her naked would bother me more than a stranger.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

He's just pissed because he got to see what she looked like at 19 and it was better than the busted wreck he's stuck with now.

 

[sixone]

I'm sure most of his stress is about his family, friends, children, etc. finding this out. He could forgive eventually, maybe, but those people will never forget and the news would spread like wild fire. If he found out, so could they.

If his ego is that fragile, then he needs to grow the F up. Dealing with the kids would be understandably difficult, but everyone else should mind their own business.

 

[Vdubchaos]

Oh, BS. First, AIDS can kill you. Marrying a prior porn actress (who doesn't have AIDS) won't. So, your analogy is not a good one.

Second, have you done some type of analysis on the ability of porn stars to find lasting relationships? You might be surprised to know that many porn stars are married.

Most are married to porn stars. Not exactly an intimate setting is it?

Also although Aids can kill, keep in mind that her lie can kill their marriage, which has a HUGE effect on people lives (maybe not death but still a great one).

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Also although Aids can kill, keep in mind that her lie can kill their marriage, which has a HUGE effect on people lives (maybe not death but still a great one).

Divorce: basically the same as AIDS.

 

[Vdubchaos]

That's not a good analogy. He's not going to come down with a sudden urge to star in his own porn videos, now that he's been exposed. Based on the info provided, her history doesn't have any health consequences for him.

It sure CAN have health consequences for him. Divorce, stress CAN all have health consequences.

And claiming that she "never cared to share the info" isn't supported by the info available, either. In fact, your claim that he would have dumped her if she'd been honest about it pretty well contradicts that claim.

It's assumed. Pretty safe assumption. If he knew, he would've never asked no?

And your rule SUCKS. She shouldn't be punished for the rest of her life, for some stupid decisions when she was 19 y/o.

Life is not fair. They don't SUCK. It's the reality. MANY people die and ARE punished for things they do when they are 19. Heck our entire justice system punishes kids for life in prison (in some cases).

She is NO exception.

If he really loves her like he says, it's on him to find a way to cope with this new info. If he throws away his kids' family over this, he's a dumbass.

I believe all of their kids are from past marriages, so not THAT much harm to them (but still some).

It is on him to cope with this lie and reconsider his wife trust.

Entire foundation of their relationship was based on a lie.

I don't think he would be a dumbass. What she has done and what there is for ENTIRE world to see is HARD to swallow as a man (or a woman). It's disrespectful to him and their entire relationship. As any person would do, he will probably look up the videos as well (probably already seen it).

Simply devastating ANY way you look at it. You can't tell me you can't relate to him....

I can't really answer the question of "what I would do" until I felt what he feels right now. But I wouldn't blame him for going EITHER way with his decision (to be honest).

If his ego is that fragile, then he needs to grow the F up. Dealing with the kids would be understandably difficult, but everyone else should mind their own business.

You fail to realize how much something like this hurts (not just him, but entire family structure as well).

At the end of the day, she is at fault for lying and not telling him (being up front). Don't blame the victim or make him into a sissy.

Personally I don't give a shit what my wife has done in the past. BUT if it was on video for entire world to see (for me to see, my kids to see and family to see)/out there.....that would be too much for me to handle (personally). I couldn't bare, I'm sorry. Call me a pussy, whatever.

 

[Vdubchaos]

Divorce: basically the same as AIDS.

I didn't say that

Lying is lying (regardless of the details).

She lied to him to begin with and that's the CORE of the issue here. It's hard to rebuild trust after something like this (if not impossible).

 

[Blackjack200]

Divorce: basically the same as AIDS.

Come on over to ATLR where this shit show never stops.

 

[surfsatwerk]

I didn't say that

Lying is lying (regardless of the details).

She lied to him to begin with and that's the CORE of the issue here. It's hard to rebuild trust after something like this (if not impossible).

No it's not. A loving partner should understand a lie committed out of fear and shame. There is no harm done no matter what twisted logic you choose to throw at this situation.

 

[Blackjack200]

It takes a certain mind to care about it so much that it destroys an otherwise healthy relationship.

If you date someone older than 13 they're going to have a past.

This is why I date 13 year olds exclusively.

 

[silverpig]

I didn't say that

Lying is lying (regardless of the details).

She lied to him to begin with and that's the CORE of the issue here. It's hard to rebuild trust after something like this (if not impossible).

How'd she lie? By not coming out with it? Do you expect fiance(e)s to do a full confessional to each other of all the bad stuff they've done?

 

[Red Storm]

As a few others have said, the fact that she did porn is not the real problem (I'm assuming that with "only" 10-20 videos to her name they aren't hardcore/crazy/nasty stuff). The problem is that she hid it, she should have confessed at some point. Hell if I had a GF that confessed that to me I'd be super curious to learn more about it.

How'd she lie? By not coming out with it? Do you expect fiance(e)s to do a full confessional to each other of all the bad stuff they've done?

Yes, because there's absolutely no difference between "I once shoplifted something from the mall" and "I once got banged by 5 guys at the same time. On camera. Now on DVD and the internet."

 

[sixone]

It sure CAN have health consequences for him. Divorce, stress CAN all have health consequences.

That's self-imposed. Not her fault.

It's assumed. Pretty safe assumption. If he knew, he would've never asked no?

The OP's link doesn't say that he asked anything. What are you referring to?

Life is not fair. They don't SUCK. It's the reality. MANY people die and ARE punished for things they do when they are 19. Heck our entire justice system punishes kids for life in prison (in some cases).

She is NO exception.

She's not sick or dead, and she didn't do any harm to anyone. So I guess she IS the exception to what you just wrote.

I believe all of their kids are from past marriages, so not THAT much harm to them (but still some).

It is on him to cope with this lie and reconsider his wife trust.

Entire foundation of their relationship was based on a lie.

Hardly. It was based on who they were at the time they formed the relationship. If he hadn't found out about her past, he'd be living in blissful ignorance. It wouldn't affect him in any way.

I don't think he would be a dumbass. What she has done and what there is for ENTIRE world to see is HARD to swallow as a man (or a woman). It's disrespectful to him and their entire relationship. As any person would do, he will probably look up the videos as well (probably already seen it).

There was no relationship, so there was no disrespect (except for herself).

Simply devastating ANY way you look at it. You can't tell me you can't relate to him....

I can't really answer the question of "what I would do" until I felt what he feels right now. But I wouldn't blame him for going EITHER way with his decision (to be honest).

You fail to realize how much something like this hurts (not just him, but entire family structure as well).

At the end of the day, she is at fault for lying and not telling him (being up front). Don't blame the victim or make him into a sissy.

Why are you painting him as a "victim"? Nothing was done to him. He didn't even know her when she did that stuff.

Personally I don't give a shit what my wife has done in the past. BUT if it was on video for entire world to see (for me to see, my kids to see and family to see)/out there.....that would be too much for me to handle (personally). I couldn't bare, I'm sorry. Call me a pussy, whatever.

I don't think that makes you a pussy. I realize how fragile the ego is. But letting your ego ruin the best thing that ever happened to you would be the worst thing that ever happened to you.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

I didn't say that

Lying is lying (regardless of the details).

She lied to him to begin with and that's the CORE of the issue here. It's hard to rebuild trust after something like this (if not impossible).

Where did she lie to him? If we're reading the same article, he found out about it and confronted her and she admitted it. Did she lie by not telling him her entire life history before they married? Did he ask her if she was a former porn star and she denied it? People do dumb shit as they grow and learn to find their way in the world; it doesn't fundamentally change who she is, and he's a fucking jackass for feeling like something she did 8 years before meeting him has any bearing on their relationship. "Waaaah, my wife isn't perfect..." Well, neither are you. Shut the fuck up and get over it (which, incidentally, is basically exactly what Dear Abby told him).

None of this changes the fact that you compared divorce, something which 50% of all married couples go through, to AIDS, a disease that, until fairly recently, had a 100% mortality rate. I don't have words to significantly elucidate how incredibly retarded that comparison is, so I'm just going to use some nonsense sounds and hope it conveys the proper message; queeble bolly oxet fleeny booty bloot.

 

[Blackjack200]

As a few others have said, the fact that she did porn is not the real problem (I'm assuming that with "only" 10-20 videos to her name they aren't hardcore/crazy/nasty stuff). The problem is that she hid it, she should have confessed at some point. Hell if I had a GF that confessed that to me I'd be super curious to learn more about it.

Maybe it was part of her past that she wanted to leave in her past. Is it the responsibility of each partner to tell the other every possible embarassing bad decision that they made?

Yes, because there's absolutely no difference between "I once shoplifted something from the mall" and "I once got banged by 5 guys at the same time. On camera. Now on DVD and the internet." [/QUOTE]

Yeah, when you shoplift you are engaging in antisocial activity and hurting the merchant. When you shoot porn you are doing nothing wrong. So you're right. It's not the same thing.

 

[sixone]

I didn't say that

Lying is lying (regardless of the details).

She lied to him to begin with and that's the CORE of the issue here. It's hard to rebuild trust after something like this (if not impossible).

That's not a lie. She didn't tell him about something that happened in the past, and had nothing to do with him or their life together.

 

[Vdubchaos]

Where did she lie to him? If we're reading the same article, he found out about it and confronted her and she admitted it. Did she lie by not telling him her entire life history before they married? Did he ask her if she was a former porn star and she denied it? People do dumb shit as they grow and learn to find their way in the world; it doesn't fundamentally change who she is, and he's a fucking jackass for feeling like something she did 8 years before meeting him has any bearing on their relationship. "Waaaah, my wife isn't perfect..." Well, neither are you. Shut the fuck up and get over it (which, incidentally, is basically exactly what Dear Abby told him).

Withholding certain information from a partner from the past CAN be considered lying.

Wonder how you would feel if it was YOUR loved one that did it to you.

None of this changes the fact that you compared divorce, something which 50% of all married couples go through, to AIDS, a disease that, until fairly recently, had a 100% mortality rate. I don't have words to significantly elucidate how incredibly retarded that comparison is, so I'm just going to use some nonsense sounds and hope it conveys the proper message; queeble bolly oxet fleeny booty bloot.

Aids doesn't = death

So I thought it was a good comparison. You are stuck in 80s.

Regardless, lie is a lie. Or hiding information like this from a partner will have consequences.

Just like lying, just a matter of time before it's uncovered.

 

[polarmystery]

From my experiences, I'd rather not know then find out. I'd rather live in blissful ignorance (as long as they don't have a disease or killed someone) than find out details about someone's past that would alter my perception of them. It's happened to me before, and I hated it. I'd rather indulge in who the person chooses to be now, rather than learn about who they were.

 

[Vdubchaos]

That's not a lie. She didn't tell him about something that happened in the past, and had nothing to do with him or their life together.

hehe

You see, it is. Certain information should be disclosed in a relationship. Not sharing (porn, nudes or STD) type information is lying.

You can say the same for children/previous marriages etc. But these are obviously less hurtful and there isn't anything for you to see.

This poor guy has to live with the images of his wife getting banged up on camera for the rest of his life.

From my experiences, I'd rather not know then find out. I'd rather live in blissful ignorance (as long as they don't have a disease or killed someone) than find out details about someone's past that would alter my perception of them. It's happened to me before, and I hated it. I'd rather indulge in who the person chooses to be now, rather than learn about who they were.

I agree with you.

I just don't buy the BS people are saying here "ohh it's in the past so it can't/shouldn't hurt". You must either have 0 feelings or simply can't even find a half decent significant other in life/be desperate or something.

I'm just looking at it from this poor guys shoes and this is not cool at all and I'm 100% sure it would hurt me quite a bit.

 

[sixone]

hehe

You see, it is. Certain information should be disclosed in a relationship. Not sharing (porn, nudes or STD) type information is lying.

The only information that should be disclosed is information that benefits the other person in some way. Warning him that he's at risk for STDs, sure. But there was no need to warn him that she was going to do porn in the future.

If he hadn't found out some other way, it would have ZERO effect on his life today. I don't know how he found out, but if someone told him, he ought to be really pissed at that person for sharing information that didn't benefit anyone.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Withholding certain information from a partner from the past CAN be considered lying.

Wonder how you would feel if it was YOUR loved one that did it to you.

I literally could not possibly care less about my fiancee's past before she met me. "Oh, you did porn when you were younger? I had some threeways in college myself, and I've done illegal drugs off more than one human being's body. Man, wasn't being young a blast? But I'm glad that's all behind us and we can move forward in our lives together." That's what a grown-up does. If you aren't capable of forgiving people for indiscretions they made when they didn't even know you, it sounds like you're the one who has some growing up to do.

 

[Red Storm]

From my experiences, I'd rather not know then find out. I'd rather live in blissful ignorance (as long as they don't have a disease or killed someone) than find out details about someone's past that would alter my perception of them. It's happened to me before, and I hated it. I'd rather indulge in who the person chooses to be now, rather than learn about who they were.

Thing is, in this day and age not only are you going to find out about it, your kids are going to be the ones who find it first.

She should have told him.

 

[sixone]

This poor guy has to live with the images of his wife getting banged up on camera for the rest of his life.

She already had a kid when they got together, so he knew she wasn't a virgin. There's nothing new here.

And since the OP doesn't say whether he's actually viewed anything, you're making assumptions that have no basis in fact.