Hubby can't get over wife's past

[rudder]

So she gives amazing bj like a porn star. What is the problem?

maybe her asshole is the size of a mason jar.

 

[Vdubchaos]

What about a private sex tape? What if she made a sex tape back in 1999 and it was supposed to be private, but then it got stolen or a vengeful ex put it on the internet?

I mean, she should know that at some point, the tape could have gotten out, and then there would be no way to spare her husband the infinite humiliation of a video of his 13-years-ago wife having sex on the internet.

Private sex tape that leaked and she didn't know about is different. And there is usually only 1.

Totally different ball park IMO.

 

[sandorski]

She should have told him early on, mainly because it is the type of thing that will most likely be discovered. However, it is understandable why she didn't bring it up. Clearly she just wanted to forget about it and had moved on from it.

IMO, the dude's reaction isn't entirely reasonable, but understandable. People can't help, initially anyway, feel what they feel and we all know that feelings are not always reasonable, they just are. I think, if the guy spent some time really thinking about the situation, he would come to the conclusion that what he thinks about her now and who she actually is now are 2 different things. In time he could get past this situation, if he puts the effort into it. That said, the ball is in his court and if he chooses Divorce, I wouldn't hold it against him.

The lesson here, if I may be so bold, is that certain secrets just can't be kept as secrets. Any secret, like this one, where there is ample evidence in the public sphere is going to be revealed, eventually. It is just not worth trying to hide if you are attempting to build a long term relationship. One doesn't need to go into excruciating detail about past indiscretions, but one certainly should mention certain bad choices in at least a general way, aka - "I did some crazy shit in College that I would prefer to forget". In this particular situation, that kinda of statement is only adequate as a starter to the confession, a way to prepare someone for something regrettable. There are, however, plenty of common awkward/embarrassing experiences that never need confessed in detail, at least as far as developing/keeping Trust is concerned. Carefully weigh your past and choose wisely what you don't reveal based upon what potential damage would result if the partner discovers them from someone else.

 

[Vdubchaos]

Again, how do you know that she knew it would be revealed, or that she was counting on her husband being unable to leave her?

That isn't covered in the OP. You're making it up, to fit your argument.

It's irrelevant if he was to find it or not. She should've told him from the get go.

That would be the right thing to do and HONEST thing to do. She was dishonest about it.

 

[CombatChuk]

maybe her asshole is the size of a mason jar.

and he has the dick of a gherkin?

 

[Blackjack200]

Private sex tape that leaked and she didn't know about is different. And there is usually only 1.

Totally different ball park IMO.

But it's the same to him - embarassment because your wife is on the internet having sex. Oh the horror.

What if she was raped and the rapist videotaped it? Should she have to tell him then? Same thing right? Guy might be embarassed by a video on the internet.

 

[sixone]

Shady is what I feel she did to him. She was shady about it knowing very well that not disclosing the info would give her better chances down the line to keep the relationship in tact.

It's messed up.

You have no clue what she knew, or what her motivation was. You're making it up to suit your position.

I don't agree. He IS a victim and although it didn't have any negative effect before, it will NOW. And she knew VERY well it would.

What negative effect? Is he going to get fired from his job? Kicked out of his church? Pilloried in the public square? Not likely.

So if your husband didn't tell you about his previous marriage or children....you would be cool with that?

This isn't about a previous marriage or children. Please don't change the subject.

It doesn't have to be fatal, but it most likely will be. And it's a choice that should be presented to an individual LONG before anything serious. Especially due to sensitivity of the subject and possible fatal results of the relationship (which are high).

It will only be fatal if his ego is so fragile that he can't cope with other people knowing about it. If he can't find some understanding for why she didn't tell him before they got married, he's not much of a husband to begin with.

Because any decent human being with half a brain would know that it would just be a matter of time before they would find out.

It wasn't a matter of IF, it was a matter of when. She was naive and deceptive with her actions.

Naive, yes. Not having heard her side, we don't know whether she was trying to be deceptive. Again, that's you making something up to bolster your argument.

Ohh well, she should've thought about that before doing the porn. Even if it was 100% that he would never find it, it's something she should've been honest about.

Science has shown that 19 y/o's do not have the brain development for accurate assessment of risk. If she had, she probably wouldn't have done it.

Why she kept quiet at 27 is pretty easy to understand, even if you disagree with her decision. Hopefully, her husband loves her enough to forgive her and get past this.

 

[Vdubchaos]

She should have told him early on, mainly because it is the type of thing that will most likely be discovered. However, it is understandable why she didn't bring it up. Clearly she just wanted to forget about it and had moved on from it.

IMO, the dude's reaction isn't entirely reasonable, but understandable. People can't help, initially anyway, feel what they feel and we all know that feelings are not always reasonable, they just are. I think, if the guy spent some time really thinking about the situation, he would come to the conclusion that what he thinks about her now and who she actually is now are 2 different things. In time he could get past this situation, if he puts the effort into it. That said, the ball is in his court and if he chooses Divorce, I wouldn't hold it against him.

The lesson here, if I may be so bold, is that certain secrets just can't be kept as secrets. Any secret, like this one, where there is ample evidence in the public sphere is going to be revealed, eventually. It is just not worth trying to hide if you are attempting to build a long term relationship. One doesn't need to go into excruciating detail about past indiscretions, but one certainly should mention certain bad choices in at least a general way, aka - "I did some crazy shit in College that I would prefer to forget". In this particular situation, that kinda of statement is only adequate as a starter to the confession, a way to prepare someone for something regrettable. There are, however, plenty of common awkward/embarrassing experiences that never need confessed in detail, at least as far as developing/keeping Trust is concerned. Carefully weigh your past and choose wisely what you don't reveal based upon what potential damage would result if the partner discovers them from someone else.

Very well said, exactly how I feel.

 

[Vdubchaos]

But it's the same to him - embarassment because your wife is on the internet having sex. Oh the horror.

What if she was raped and the rapist videotaped it? Should she have to tell him then? Same thing right? Guy might be embarassed by a video on the internet.

Apples to oranges. That's different.

 

[sixone]

Apples to oranges. That's different.

Your words:

I don't give a shit what my wife has done before me, as long as it's not out there for me to see/I don't know. What I don't know/can't see CANNOT hurt me.

 

[JohnOfSheffield]

It's irrelevant if he was to find it or not. She should've told him from the get go.

That would be the right thing to do and HONEST thing to do. She was dishonest about it.

There are a LOT of things i'm not telling anyone ever about myself, things that would most definently change their perception of me.

None of that would be of any business to a future wife either, it's in MY past not hers and she has absolutely nothing to do with it.

I go by DADT when it comes to women, i really don't ask or care about their past and i don't tell them about mine either.

If i somehow learned she had been involved in porn i would probably ask her if she wants to talk about it but it wouldn't bother me one bit. Why would it, i wasn't in her life then and she wasn't in mine.

 

[Blackjack200]

Apples to oranges. That's different.

Why is it different?

 

[WilliamM2]

He's just upset that he saw her doing all the things on the video, that she refused to do for him.

 

[Blackjack200]

He's just upset that he saw her doing all the things on the video, that she refused to do for him.

*Ding*Ding*Ding*Ding*Ding*Ding*

He's jealous and insecure.

 

[Vdubchaos]

You have no clue what she knew, or what her motivation was. You're making it up to suit your position.

What am I making up? She knew she did porn and it's out there. Chances are she probably didn't tell him because she figured chances are higher maintaining relationship if marriage/kids are involved. I'm not saying it's a fact, but chances are high it's what she assumed.

What negative effect? Is he going to get fired from his job? Kicked out of his church? Pilloried in the public square? Not likely.

On their relationship trust. On his mind and his family.

It will only be fatal if his ego is so fragile that he can't cope with other people knowing about it. If he can't find some understanding for why she didn't tell him before they got married, he's not much of a husband to begin with.

I don't agree with you AT ALL. I'm sorry but she deliberately put him in this situation and now you are acting like HE is the one that's wrong. He hasn't even made the decision yet.

Love how you make him into the bad guy when clearly his wife is at fault here.

As far as we know he has been a fine husband and a father. And because his wife did porn and didn't tell him about it.......now he is not "much of a husband". riiiight

Naive, yes. Not having heard her side, we don't know whether she was trying to be deceptive. Again, that's you making something up to bolster your argument.

How "not telling her husband about doing porn before marriage" does not equal "deceptive"?

I don't need to hear her part of the story, I already know what she has done wrong.

Science has shown that 19 y/o's do not have the brain development for accurate assessment of risk. If she had, she probably wouldn't have done it..

Sure, agreed. But she met him later on in life. 19 is when she did porn, not when she met her husband.

Why she kept quiet at 27 is pretty easy to understand, even if you disagree with her decision. Hopefully, her husband loves her enough to forgive her and get past this.

He might forgive her and get past it, but it will be VERY hard and it's something he will never forget and will have to live with for the rest of his life.

He has been put in a very uncomfortable and bad situation. It's really messed up and I can't blame him for ANY choice he makes.

 

[actuarial]

Why is it different?

Seriously? I don't agree with a lot of what this guy is saying, but that's nearly as bad as his AIDS comparison.

For one, someone doesn't make a choice to be raped, while someone chooses to shoot porn.

 

[actuarial]

Science has shown that 19 y/o's do not have the brain development for accurate assessment of risk. If she had, she probably wouldn't have done it.

Why she kept quiet at 27 is pretty easy to understand, even if you disagree with her decision. Hopefully, her husband loves her enough to forgive her and get past this.

You're a woman right?

Would you feel the same way if you found out your husband had done 10-20 gay porn videos at 19? I'm trying to figure out where the line is where you feel still feel it's unacceptable to be upset when you find out something from someone's past that has nothing to do with their present.

 

[JohnOfSheffield]

You're a woman right?

Would you feel the same way if you found out your husband had done 10-20 gay porn videos at 19? I'm trying to figure out where the line is where you feel still feel it's unacceptable to be upset when you find out something from someone's past that has nothing to do with their present.

If he wasn't gay or bi wouldn't that just go to show that he did it ONLY for the money?

What if the wife had done lesbian porn, would that be better or worse than if she had been doing hetero porn?

To me, it's absolutely irrelevant but for those who would care about something their wife did when she was a teenager it may make a huge difference.

 

[AznAnarchy99]

There are a LOT of things i'm not telling anyone ever about myself, things that would most definently change their perception of me.

None of that would be of any business to a future wife either, it's in MY past not hers and she has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Same. There are some things that I will never talk about to people. Its going to the grave with me.

 

[Vdubchaos]

There are a LOT of things i'm not telling anyone ever about myself, things that would most definently change their perception of me.

None of that would be of any business to a future wife either, it's in MY past not hers and she has absolutely nothing to do with it.

I go by DADT when it comes to women, i really don't ask or care about their past and i don't tell them about mine either.

If i somehow learned she had been involved in porn i would probably ask her if she wants to talk about it but it wouldn't bother me one bit. Why would it, i wasn't in her life then and she wasn't in mine.

Sounds like you would be a perfect fit for this chick then.

If you don;t mind your wife being on video getting banged up by bunch of dudes for you family/kids/friends to see, that;s cool

Whatever floats your boat.

Some of us have an issue with seeing our loved ones in that act, especially when it's all over the web for the world to see.

But hey, everyone is different.

 

[JohnOfSheffield]

Sounds like you would be a perfect fit for this chick then.

If you don;t mind your wife being on video getting banged up by bunch of dudes for you family/kids/friends to see, that;s cool

Whatever floats your boat.

Some of us have an issue with seeing our loved ones in that act, especially when it's all over the web for the world to see.

But hey, everyone is different.

Why would i watch it? For a laugh perhaps but that's about all of it. If others saw my wife having sex, so fucking what? They should only KNOW about the nasty stuff i'd do to her in the bedroom.

There hopefully comes a time in your life when you become less obsessed about what others feel and worry about things you can do nothing about, until then you can worry all you want it hurts no one but you.

 

[Vdubchaos]

Why would i watch it? For a laugh perhaps but that's about all of it. If others saw my wife having sex, so fucking what? They should only KNOW about the nasty stuff i'd do to her in the bedroom.

There hopefully comes a time in your life when you become less obsessed about what others feel and worry about things you can do nothing about, until then you can worry all you want it hurts no one but you.

I don't really care about who sees it or what they opinion is (trust me on that).

My children and family though, that would be hard on them.

And it would certainly hurt me....

But chances are I would probably never pursue a relationship with such a person. So if it was my wife and I found out, it would probably be a deal breaker.

That's some fucked up shit to hide and progress relationship into marriage with. Takes a # to do something like that.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

I don't really care about who sees it or what they opinion is (trust me on that).

My children and family though, that would be hard on them.

And it would certainly hurt me....

But chances are I would probably never pursue a relationship with such a person. So if it was my wife and I found out, it would probably be a deal breaker.

That's some fucked up shit to hide and progress relationship into marriage with. Takes a # to do something like that.

I hope you never have to handle any adversity with a loved one. I don't think you could take it.

 

[JohnOfSheffield]

I don't really care about who sees it or what they opinion is (trust me on that).

My children and family though, that would be hard on them.

And it would certainly hurt me....

But chances are I would probably never pursue a relationship with such a person. So if it was my wife and I found out, it would probably be a deal breaker.

That's some fucked up shit to hide and progress relationship into marriage with. Takes a # to do something like that.

When i was married a long time ago i would have cared simply because if she had done it before me it would have been child porn.

Nowadays i wouldn't care at all because i have lived long enough to know that people do stupid sheit and go on with their lives.

What if you discovered your wife had been in an underground gang bang club for a year? Are we talking about the sex itself being a deal breaker or that it was filmed?

 

[MikeyLSU]

Why is it different?

you don't see a difference with someone getting paid to have sex and not?