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Your Best Jokes

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A pirate is sitting at the bar. The bar tender hears this loud squacking, and looks over at the pirate, to see his parret perched on top of a stearing wheel. The bartender asks the pirate:" Whats with your bird?". The pirate answers "Arrrr, he's driven me nuts.."
 
got this joke from someone here on AT

whats the difference between a dump truck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of dead babies ?

you can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

 
a man is in a bar, sipping on a drink. The Bartender see's the man with his thumb up to his ear, and he's talking like he's on a phone. Curious, the bartender asks him what he's doing.
"Talking on the phone"
"no really.."
"No see, my hand's a phone, don't believe me give me a number to call and I'll prove it to you"
So to ammuse himself, the bartender gives the man a number, the man fumbles with his hand and puts his hand up to the bartenders ear.
the Bartender is amazed when he hears his wife voice coming out of the mans thumb.
"how the hell did you do that?"
"oh it's just something, I told you I had a phone inside my hand"
a few minutes later the man gets up to use the restroom. After 10 minutes have passed the bartender decides to go in and check on him to make sure everything is alright. As he opens the door he see's the man standing up with his pants around his ankles, and a bunch of toilet paper coming out of his ass. The man see's the bartender is alarmed
"you okay buddy! why the hell are you standing up with a roll of toilet paper coming out your rear?"
"oh, I'm just waiting on a fax"

 
Originally posted by: sao123
More engineer, mathematician, scientist, programmer jokes

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.



In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens - he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention - so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."


my favorite
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because she had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and she was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met her at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
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Excelent, best jokes in the thread until now 😀
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"
Click to expand...

LOL
 
A pirate captain is drinking in a bar. The bartender walks by and asked him, "how come you have a wooden leg?"
The pirate captain answers, "My crews and I were in a big fight and people pushed me into the ocean and I lost my leg to a shark bite."
The bartender contines, "How did you loose your left hand?"
The pirate looked at his hook and says, "I was in a sword fight and they cut my hand off. So, I replace it with a hook."
The bartender says, "wow, how brave of you! After all of these, you are still a pirate captain?! What's the story with your left eye?"
The pirate looked down on the floor and says, "Well, the day after I had the surgery to replace my hand with a hook, I looked up in the sky and I saw a bird flew over me and pooped on my head, and when I tried to wipe if off my eye..."
 
A polish guy walks into a store, and asks a associate if they have any Polish sausages, with a heavy accent.
The man replies, saying "Are you Polish?"
The polish man says, "Why are you asking me that? So what if I am? If I had an Italian accent would you ask me if I was Italian?"
The associate goes "no, but this is a hardware store."

Well...it was funny when I heard it in person! Oh, and I'm part-polish, btw.
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that's funny.:laugh:
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Originally posted by: TwoBills
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that's funny.:laugh:
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bah....#! is optional. :Q
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Originally posted by: chuckywang
So we get offended by racist/sexist jokes, but we don't care about blonde jokes?
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duh.. do you think you're going to find any blonds who would get offended by those jokes on a computer tech site?
 
what kind of bee's make milk?

boobies!

whats the difference between a goth chick and her goth boyfriend?

about 300 lbs


*religious joke*
did you know that there was a car in the bible?

yeah, it said all the disciples were in an accord..
 
Originally posted by: stevty2889
A pirate is sitting at the bar. The bar tender hears this loud squacking, and looks over at the pirate, to see his parret perched on top of a stearing wheel. The bartender asks the pirate:" Whats with your bird?". The pirate answers "Arrrr, he's driven me nuts.."
Click to expand...

Another version I heard:
Pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel attached to his wing ding. Bartender says, "That must be a real pain; a steering wheel on your wing ding???". Pirate says, ARRRRRR, IT DRIVES ME NUTS!
 
Here is a stupid joke that you might get...

So a man decides to build a brick house, and he goes and buys 1 million bricks. He sits there and builds his house, and he uses 999,999 bricks. So guess what he does with it?

He throws it in the air.

-----
Tas.

 
Originally posted by: pclstyle
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.

He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You?re not going to?to?cut it off, are you?"

The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope, I?m just going to set the garage on fire."
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Originally posted by: blazerazor
This is a old one.....

A little farm boy gets off the bus from school and comes across a Cow. He kicks the Cow.
Walking along some more he comes across a Pig. He kicks the Pig.
Farther along he comes across a Chicken. He kicks the Chicken.

When he walks in the house the Mom says "I saw you kick the cow. Your punishment, no milk for a week. I saw you kick the pig, No bacon for a week. I saw you kick the chicken too, for that no eggs for a week."

Just them Dad comes storming in after along day of work and Kicks the Cat. The little boy looks at Mom and says "should I tell him or you?"
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:laugh: :thumbsup:
 
Here is another stupid joke then, if you didn't get the last one.

A guy is sitting in an airplane on some international flight, and there is an old lady with a dog in front of him. And no matter what, the dog won't leave him alone, because he keeps licking him in the face. He man repeatedly asks the old woman to control her dog, but she simply replies "Oh, no my sweet pookums".
So after getting fed up with it, then man lights up a cigar and starts blowing smoke at the dog and the lady. The lady is choking on the smoke, and asks the guy to put out the cigar. The man simply replies that he will get rid of the cigar if she gets rid of the dog. The woman replies that she could never do any such thing.
After a few more minutes, the lady simply can't stand it anymore, so she opens the windows, grabs the dog, tosses it out, and grabs the cigar, and tosses it out. A few minutes go by, and the man looks out the window, and the dog is sitting on the wing of the plane. And guess what it has in its mouth?

Nope, the brick! 🙂

-----
Tas.
 
Originally posted by: tennesota
The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who
used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot... If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you
would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love, Fred
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lol love it. heartwarming and funny at the same time
 
Someone of my favorite IRC Quotes:

<SomeRandom> Looks like Operation Iraqi Freedom is almost over.
<Diablo1399> Bah, "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is a sh!t name.
<SomeRandom> Well what would you call it then?
<Diablo1399> Why, "Operation Who's Your Baghdaddy" of course.

*** Now talking in #12-15yrz
<Salamander> Hi all!!
<Petri> Hi a/s/l?
<Salamander> 53/m/CA
<Petri> I think ur in the rong place
<Salamander> Oh no, I dont think I am...

<lexa> anyone wanna buy some cheap tampons? 10p each
<lexa> no strings attached

 
Originally posted by: tasburrfoot78362
Here is another stupid joke then, if you didn't get the last one.

A guy is sitting in an airplane on some international flight, and there is an old lady with a dog in front of him. And no matter what, the dog won't leave him alone, because he keeps licking him in the face. He man repeatedly asks the old woman to control her dog, but she simply replies "Oh, no my sweet pookums".
So after getting fed up with it, then man lights up a cigar and starts blowing smoke at the dog and the lady. The lady is choking on the smoke, and asks the guy to put out the cigar. The man simply replies that he will get rid of the cigar if she gets rid of the dog. The woman replies that she could never do any such thing.
After a few more minutes, the lady simply can't stand it anymore, so she opens the windows, grabs the dog, tosses it out, and grabs the cigar, and tosses it out. A few minutes go by, and the man looks out the window, and the dog is sitting on the wing of the plane. And guess what it has in its mouth?

Nope, the brick! 🙂

-----
Tas.
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ok yes they were both stupid...and they are sitting on a plane and she just opens a WINDOW!!!
 
Originally posted by: NuroMancer
Originally posted by: pclstyle
A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk.

"Nice tits love,I want to open a f ucking bank account," he says.

"I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier.

"Listen you dumb bitch," he says, "I want to open a f ucking bank account!"

"I'm sorry sir," she says, bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that."

And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.

The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no f ucking problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million
dollars on the f ucking lottery and I want to open a f ucking bank account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this slut's giving you a hard time, is she?"
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HAHA, thats good
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I don't get it??? 🙁

 
Originally posted by: scorpmatt
whats the difference between a black man and a bench?

A bench can support a family
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I'm sorry but this is BY FAR the most hilarious joke in this thread. Admit or not, it's often times true
 
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