PieIsAwesome
Diamond Member
- Feb 11, 2007
- 4,054
- 1
- 0
I still can't imagine how a brother can hit his sister.
They can't. He must not be your brother.
They can't. He must not be your brother.
From reading your parents' responses, I can understand your frustration, and I think the most immediate choices are to break all ties or to live with it.
The harder, third road would be to try to have one more serious conversation with your parents. I get the feeling that your parents are blinding themselves to your brother's behavior and they're trying to categorize this as just another fight. If you want to try to get through to them you need to make a few things clear:
This is not just another incident and that this is a tipping point. Their decision on how to respond will have repercussions.
They have an active role in this--it's not a fight between you and your brother, and you wouldn't be leaving just because of your brother. Their inability to stop your brother's behavior and their neglect of your well-being are a critical factor.
Make them admit and understand your brother's attitude and behavior. Your dad alluded to the fact that your brother would physically hurt you. If you can get them to admit that your brother can and will hurt you, maybe something will click.
Try to come up with a solution that doesn't require them to choose you or your brother (unfortunately, you'll probably lose). If you can come up with something, make sure it has concrete actions as part of the resolution.
Don't try to force views or roles onto them as they will get defensive. If you say something like "you should protect me" or "my brother is worthless," while true, its more likely to invalidate your other arguments as your parents entrench themselves.
Above all, stay calm and rational. Make it clear you're doing what's best for your own safety and mental health. If you say you're leaving because they won't listen to you, you're angry, or you're upset, they will assign blame to your emotions, not to their actions.
The harder, third road would be to try to have one more serious conversation with your parents. I get the feeling that your parents are blinding themselves to your brother's behavior and they're trying to categorize this as just another fight. If you want to try to get through to them you need to make a few things clear:
This is not just another incident and that this is a tipping point. Their decision on how to respond will have repercussions.
They have an active role in this--it's not a fight between you and your brother, and you wouldn't be leaving just because of your brother. Their inability to stop your brother's behavior and their neglect of your well-being are a critical factor.
Make them admit and understand your brother's attitude and behavior. Your dad alluded to the fact that your brother would physically hurt you. If you can get them to admit that your brother can and will hurt you, maybe something will click.
Try to come up with a solution that doesn't require them to choose you or your brother (unfortunately, you'll probably lose). If you can come up with something, make sure it has concrete actions as part of the resolution.
Don't try to force views or roles onto them as they will get defensive. If you say something like "you should protect me" or "my brother is worthless," while true, its more likely to invalidate your other arguments as your parents entrench themselves.
Above all, stay calm and rational. Make it clear you're doing what's best for your own safety and mental health. If you say you're leaving because they won't listen to you, you're angry, or you're upset, they will assign blame to your emotions, not to their actions.
MrPickins
Diamond Member
- May 24, 2003
- 9,125
- 792
- 126
After reading your update, I'd have to say that you should tell your family to get bent.
Your parents are clearly enabling your brother, and excusing his behavior. Time for you to get yourself into a healthier environment. It sucks , but I've been there. Time to bail for awhile.
Your parents are clearly enabling your brother, and excusing his behavior. Time for you to get yourself into a healthier environment. It sucks , but I've been there. Time to bail for awhile.
Next time he does that you need to call the cops.
Domestic abuse begins at home.
Your parents suck.
Domestic abuse begins at home.
Your parents suck.
guyver01
Lifer
- Sep 25, 2000
- 22,135
- 5
- 61
except... technically... it's not her home.
if you read the OP, she was staying at her mom's home instead of going to her home.
if her brother wanted to be a douche... he could claim trespassing, since she didn't live there anymore.
better solution? drive home next time.
no he couldn't because her mom (owner of the house) told her to stay there for the night. her brother's a giant douche and needs to get fucked up for doing what he did to his sister.
irishScott
Lifer
- Oct 10, 2006
- 21,562
- 3
- 0
Just read the update. Wow. Seems your parents have just accepted this as normal. I honestly can't comprehend that. Wow. Like others have said, get out of there. If your parents aren't even going to acknowledge the problem... damn. And I thought my family was fucked. At least my mom and sister acknowledge our problems...
For what it's worth, I've been seeing a therapist for the last couple of years. I don't know the details of your treatment, and there are several generic types of psychotherapy and it's all ridiculously individualized; but I can speak from experience that trying to blot out the memories won't help. Doesn't mean you have to remember them on a regular basis, but as you improve and get on with your own life they'll fade. You won't think about them as much, but they never, at least for me, get any less painful when I do remember them; and no matter how much I used to try to suppress them they never went away. Granted I haven't allowed things to get as bad as your place, at least physically; and you're a female so you're naturally wired differently than me. Just trying to help.
To be honest, the only reason I'm sticking around at all (a few weeks a year) is to protect my mom (mainly by reinforcing my presence, although I'm ready to follow through if I have to). For a number of complicated reasons she's incapable of leaving my dad. If she did she'd go bankrupt in 3 years from medical treatment alone. Let alone the other reasons. Point being, if I could somehow get my mom free of the bastard I'd cut off contact even with her. My mom is locked in by her problems, and I'm in turn locked in by my values. Hell I still don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate (I'm 21 by the way). You have a way out, your parents have a way out, and hell even your brother would have a way out if he got off his ass; and from the sound of it there's not much if anything you can do. Get out of there. It'll be painful as hell initially, but it'll do you a world of good. Literally. :thumbsup:
For what it's worth, I've been seeing a therapist for the last couple of years. I don't know the details of your treatment, and there are several generic types of psychotherapy and it's all ridiculously individualized; but I can speak from experience that trying to blot out the memories won't help. Doesn't mean you have to remember them on a regular basis, but as you improve and get on with your own life they'll fade. You won't think about them as much, but they never, at least for me, get any less painful when I do remember them; and no matter how much I used to try to suppress them they never went away. Granted I haven't allowed things to get as bad as your place, at least physically; and you're a female so you're naturally wired differently than me. Just trying to help.
To be honest, the only reason I'm sticking around at all (a few weeks a year) is to protect my mom (mainly by reinforcing my presence, although I'm ready to follow through if I have to). For a number of complicated reasons she's incapable of leaving my dad. If she did she'd go bankrupt in 3 years from medical treatment alone. Let alone the other reasons. Point being, if I could somehow get my mom free of the bastard I'd cut off contact even with her. My mom is locked in by her problems, and I'm in turn locked in by my values. Hell I still don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate (I'm 21 by the way). You have a way out, your parents have a way out, and hell even your brother would have a way out if he got off his ass; and from the sound of it there's not much if anything you can do. Get out of there. It'll be painful as hell initially, but it'll do you a world of good. Literally. :thumbsup:
After reading the update I really can't believe that your parents are still willing to keep him in their house. They have to realize that eventually he'll have to learn to live on his own and stop being a free loader.
Also, the fact that they're willing to excuse his actions is unacceptable. Your dad saying
"I'm glad he spit on you though; if he didn't, he would have flattened you to the ground instead." was really uncalled for. Plus, the fact that he'll acknowledge that your brother would physically harm you and defend his actions is ridiculous.
Your parents are blinded to the fact that he's a giant douche. The sooner they can realize this the better. I personally wouldn't cut off all ties from my family. The issue is for you to somehow have your parents realize these facts about your brother and do something about it.
Either way I'm glad to hear that you're out of that house now and that things are better. In the future I would say just avoid situations like this.
Also, the fact that they're willing to excuse his actions is unacceptable. Your dad saying
"I'm glad he spit on you though; if he didn't, he would have flattened you to the ground instead." was really uncalled for. Plus, the fact that he'll acknowledge that your brother would physically harm you and defend his actions is ridiculous.
Your parents are blinded to the fact that he's a giant douche. The sooner they can realize this the better. I personally wouldn't cut off all ties from my family. The issue is for you to somehow have your parents realize these facts about your brother and do something about it.
Either way I'm glad to hear that you're out of that house now and that things are better. In the future I would say just avoid situations like this.
TurtleCrusher
Lifer
- Apr 20, 2008
- 10,067
- 990
- 126
irishScott
Lifer
- Oct 10, 2006
- 21,562
- 3
- 0
Good luck with that. You can't change people who don't think they have a problem (believe me I've tried); and apparently they don't hold nerdress's opinion in very high esteem. And they're old/mid-late middle age most likely. There are very few people that age who are open to rethinking their view of the world.
Never mind the fact that with that approach she'll be focusing on the problems as opposed to her own life; and problems like hers will drive any decent person insane given enough time.
Don't get me wrong I'm all for the idealist perspective and I respect it as such, but we're all human.
are you asian by any chance? if your parents is chinese, i can see why they would back your bro 100%. female are pretty worthless to them in a traditional chinese family.
i will go with divorce with you family. if they fail to see your side of story, you don't need them.
i will go with divorce with you family. if they fail to see your side of story, you don't need them.
Pepsei
Lifer
- Dec 14, 2001
- 12,895
- 1
- 0
no she's not asian...
i was going to say... most asian families that i know, have kids who respect their parents. BUT, i'm not saying it's because that they're asians... my parents only make friends with asian doctors/professors/republicans ...
my personal friends are more average.
Yep. One of my wife's brothers had a serious case of Loseritis. He's now 26 and still living at home. While in high school, he just fucked off and got into trouble constantly. My FIL is an attorney with strong community ties, and he constantly used his network to bail Loser out. Same thing in college, up to and including getting busted for drug trafficking. Since he was my FIL, I usually kept my mouth shut, but we were golfing one time while on vacation when FIL gets a phone call. Loser took FIL's car out for a spin - which he was not permitted to do - and drove up on a curb and destroyed two wheels. FIL lost his mind on the 9th green. Hangs up the phone, starts cussing about what a fuck-up his kid is, yadda yadda yadda.
"This is how he was raised. Seriously, how the fuck can this surprise you?"
It was one of those "shit, did I just say that out loud" moments, but luckily FIL was so steamed I don't even think he processed it.
Anyway, parents who raise idiot kids have idiot kids. Pretty obvious statement, I know, but it's amazing how many people fail to make the connection.
Except Domestic Violence laws rarely make the sort of exceptions you did.
Assault and Battery between siblings in the family home will 99% be initially handled as a Domesic Abuse call. Maybe sorted out to an Assault & Battery charge.
The DA gets to sort out the charges., not you. thank god. Brother doesn't get to claim trespassing as he's a guest also. House isn't in his name, he's just a guest. Most jurisdictions don't even see him as a Tenant, like a non relative would be.
OILFIELDTRASH
Lifer
- May 13, 2009
- 12,333
- 612
- 126
I feel like Im 13 again with this childish shit. GTFO of your parents house for good. If they want to continually deal with your brother's shit then let them. That doesn't mean you have to be there to watch it. Sounds like your dad lost his nuts somewhere and is afraid to deal with it.
Grown brother spitting on grown sister? Where I come from, that's not normal. Where I come from, grown brother gets a community beating.
23 soon, and I'm already moved out. I was home for the night because I had been driving all day, and my parents told me to stay there because of my car situation. My brother going around saying, "You don't even live here anymore!" is total bullshit, because it doesn't fucking MATTER if I didn't live there, I'm their daughter and they tell me all the time that this is just as much my house as it is everyone else's.
I'm a little more relaxed today than I was yesterday though...thankfully.
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