What does a parent "owe" their child?

[911paramedic]

I would do anything for my son who happens to be 22. If you can afford it, and they aren't asshats, you should do everything you can.

My mother on the other hand, will find herself alone in a nursing home wearing diapers that will be changed by a stranger. My sister and I joked about it in front of her (because she used to beat the shit out of us when we were kids, and back then it was accepted), she replied with "You do and I am taking you out of my will."

My sister and I both agreed it was well worth the cost, even though she has a couple million in trust from my grandparents.

 

[Turin39789]

[red forman]dumbass[/red forman]

 

[JMapleton]

Originally posted by: Hoober

Originally posted by: JMapleton

Originally posted by: nkgreen
How old are you OP?

Late 20s.

Are you a parent?

I have two kids, both young, and while I certainly feel obligated to provide shelter, food, and a stable, healthy environment until they are mature enough to take care of themselves, I don't feel I am under any obligation to provide them a car, computer, etc. Those are not necessities.

No I am not.

They may not be "absolute necessities" but they are "reasonably expected" or deserved for most well behaving kids. I don't see how you can grow up in today's society without those two things.

 

[Xavier434]

The first thing about to understand about good parents is that there is no such thing as thinking about whether or not we owe our kids anything. We simply want to do the best we can for them and that's that. If we cannot afford something or if we feel that it is in our child's best interest not to buy them something then that is what we are going to do. What we don't do is not get them something because "we don't owe them anything". That is how shitty parents justify their decision.

 

[nanette1985]

Originally posted by: JMapleton

They may not be "absolute necessities" but they are "reasonably expected" or deserved for most well behaving kids. I don't see how you can grow up in today's society without those two things.

You're right that a car, computer, etc. are very important in today's society. However, your parents don't owe you. It is your responsibility to figure out how to get them yourself.

And your parents aren't required to reward you for good grades - the reward for good grades is that you feel good about your accomplishments, and that it probably makes it easier to succeed in later life.

 

[Insomniator]

Originally posted by: JMapleton

Originally posted by: nkgreen

Originally posted by: JMapleton

Originally posted by: TallBill
It's not worth discussing this with you OP, you are an idiot.

Thank you for your input, it has been noted.

Just curious, why do you think anyone is entitled to a car, computer, or college education?

I think part of growing up you almost need a car to experience your teen years. It's difficult to have friends or to date as a teen without one. Doesn't every kid deserve not to miss out on those things? I had a poor early childhood with many bad influences around me at an early age, but when in my teens I was bought a Lexus LS400 because our financial situation turned around dramatically and I my parents felt guilty for raising me around such bad influences and without a lot of money.

I don't think those things are entitled to anyone from the government, but I think if you as a parent have the ability to provide your child with those things and do not do that, you as a parent and not being fair to your child. A child did not ask for a specific person to be their parent and in the modern world, I think everyone deserves a normal as possible childhood. I don't think you can call yourself a good parent if all you do if give your kids food/roof and then kick them out at age 18 with nothing but the shirt on their backs (with the exception of parents in difficult situations who are unable to provide those things because of reasons outside their control like injury or disability - like I said, judge by effort).

LOL

No wonder your opinions are the way they are.

Everyone should have stopped replying to the thread after reading the bold.

Anyway for the record, food, shelter and grade school until a reasonable age (which I would say is somewhat above 18, especially if the kid goes to college).

LOL again at the lexus.

 

[jtvang125]

A brand new Mercedes or BMW ($30K minimum)
A personal maid
A credit card with no limit
A membership to the country club
A cellphone with full data plan and unlimited txt messaging

 

[Hoober]

Originally posted by: JMapleton

Originally posted by: Hoober

Originally posted by: JMapleton

Originally posted by: nkgreen
How old are you OP?

Late 20s.

Are you a parent?

I have two kids, both young, and while I certainly feel obligated to provide shelter, food, and a stable, healthy environment until they are mature enough to take care of themselves, I don't feel I am under any obligation to provide them a car, computer, etc. Those are not necessities.

No I am not.

They may not be "absolute necessities" but they are "reasonably expected" or deserved for most well behaving kids. I don't see how you can grow up in today's society without those two things.

I don't see how those those things can be 'reasonably expected' by any child in today's society. Perhaps lessons on learning to drive, but your own car? Give me a break.

 

[Insomniator]

Again with the car... hilarious...

 

[JMapleton]

Originally posted by: Insomniator
LOL again at the lexus.

It was a few years old if it makes any difference.

 

[SlitheryDee]

Things I think a parent DOES owe their children:

Caring Environment\general life education - This means not just unfocused and unconditional love, but actually caring about the person your child is and will become. The environment should be manipulated to make the person into the best individual you know how to make them into, because you care about them.

Assurance of Good health - This means that to the best of their ability the parent must keep their children safe from anything that might kill them or make them ill/lame such as disease, accident, starvation, exposure, etc. Furthermore the parent must do everything in their power to maximize the good health of their child through instillation of good lifestyle practices, diet, exercise, etc.

Access to educational information/cultivation of the desire to learn - I this day and age that would mean access to a computer, but not necessarily a computer of their own. I think this requirement would be much better met by teaching them to read books and then handing them a library card.

I do NOT think a parent owes their child:

A car - This should be every youth's first major purchase for themselves. A kid of the right age will want a vehicle very very badly. This intense desire is the only thing that could motivate them to do the required work and saving to get such an expensive item. It is an opportunity for teaching responsibility that a parent should not allow to pass by. That's not to say that the parent can't help them along with in some way. I think that matching whatever the kid can raise is a good idea.

An allowance - I think that giving a child money for doing nothing on a regular basis is one of the worst things you can do to them. Pay them for chores if you want, but don't give them money for NOTHING. Setting it up as a weekly allowance is even worse, it allows the idea to form that they are somehow owed not only money from time to time, but on a certain day of the month/week like clockwork. This sounds too much like welfare for my tastes. Make them earn whatever they get. Make it easy work if you must, but it should be clear that the money they receive from their parents are for services rendered, and not for just being alive.

A computer - Most homes will have a family computer anyway. I see no harm in getting a child a computer for themselves if there are frequent conflicts over usage, but that's for convenience, not because I think they are owed it.

 

[skyking]

They owe their kids time and love. Nothing more is needed, nothing less will suffice.

 

[BurnItDwn]

Originally posted by: JMapleton
-Their own bedroom (with exceptions unless you live in an extremely expensive city).
-A reliable car at age 16 (assuming the child can be trusted with it)
-A state college education
-In this modern age I think every kid deserves a computer, not for gaming but just enough to do homework.

The parents should give them their own bedroom, or if they have a sibling of the same gender, the kids can share rooms.

The parents should HELP with a car, if financially able, but the majority of the burden should be on the kid. They should get a job at 16, and either buy their own beater, or at least be financially responsible for payments/insurance/gas on a car their parents provide for them.

If financially able, the parents should HELP with higher education, but again, the kid should hold a job, and pay for at least part of it.

If financially able, the parents should provide a computer and printer for homework.

Far more important than financial support, is helping the kid to learn.

The parents should make it their number one priority to raise the kid, this means reading to them when they are younger, then reading with them once the kid can read.. and doing it on a regular basis. The parents need to give guidance. They need to teach responsibility, they need to teach accountability, they need to teach independence. For years 0-18, it's MUCH more than just food, clothing, and shelter.

If they are raised and given the attention that they deserve, once they are "grown up" they will know how to fend for themselves in the real world, and they will no longer "need" mom and dad to financially support them.

Mom and Dad should help, when needed, but "life lessons" are more important than "being comfortable."

When the kid grows up, they should see mom and dad as friends and mentors, not as a piggy bank.

 

[evident]

Originally posted by: JMapleton
In my read many posts on these forums I've noticed there is sort of a "your parents don't owe you anything" and a "move out on your 18th birthday" attitude.

The question has come to mind to me, what things to do you think besides emotional needs like love and understanding, do parents have an obligation to give to their children?

While kids are not born with a right to designer clothes or the latest video game system, I do the think parents owe kids the following:

-Their own bedroom (with exceptions unless you live in an extremely expensive city).
-A reliable car at age 16 (assuming the child can be trusted with it)
-A state college education
-In this modern age I think every kid deserves a computer, not for gaming but just enough to do homework.

All of these things I think can be taken away if the child misbehaves or is a troublemaker of some sort.

I think there are many parents out there who act like they can bring kids into this world and then they feel they have no obligation to them except to feed them spam every night and give them used clothing. While I do respect parents who work hard to provide for their kids and are still not able to provide all of the things mentioned, so I try to assess each person based on effort.

What do you think each parent "owes" their kid?

everything except for this i think....

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: TridenTBoy3555
They owe them everything. They should be willing to put their life on the line because they love their children more than their lives themselves. Maybe you all grew up differently, but my mother and father love me that much, and I love them almost the same. (Seems selfish, but I don't want to die)

You need more life experience. You talk like you know everything but is quite obvious you know next to nothing.

 

[OutHouse]

Originally posted by: Mwilding
I remember driving past a car dealer when I was almost 16 and making an offhand comment about getting a car for my birthday. I think my eardrums are still ringing from the laughter...

thats funny my daughter did the same thing. i flat out told her im not buying her a car at 16, if she wants one so bad she can do what i did wand did odd jobs until i turned 16 and save for it.

i think she is still pissed off at me.

 

[bonkers325]

parents owe their children basic survival necessities - for life. you're a parent for life, they're your children for life.

 

[nakedfrog]

Originally posted by: JMapleton
I think part of growing up you almost need a car to experience your teen years. It's difficult to have friends or to date as a teen without one. Doesn't every kid deserve not to miss out on those things? I had a poor early childhood with many bad influences around me at an early age, but when in my teens I was bought a Lexus LS400 because our financial situation turned around dramatically and I my parents felt guilty for raising me around such bad influences and without a lot of money.

When I was in high school, I knew three people that had cars.
Yet all the rest of us managed to date and have friends just fine. We had trains, buses, bicycles, feet, and parents with cars.

 

[lokiju]

OP I sense that you're confusing that a parent in your view is being callus/rude/cold to their child by not handing them these items you've listed. But I think the reality and thinking behind it for a lot of people is they want to teach their child how to obtain those things on their own and how to survive on their own starting at 16 and up.

I bought my own car at 16, I worked for two summers and paid $800 cash for it, it was a POS but it ran great and was the perfect car to learn with IMO.

I saved up when I was 18 and bought my own computer, my Mom always had computers for ages and I could use them but they weren't my own. I don't see any reason a kid should be entitled to their own personal computer when a family/shared computer would work just fine.

For me and in my situation growing up, working hard to get my own things taught me a lot of valuable lessons that helped shape me into the person I am today. I don't want anything given to me, ever, I want to earn it. I don't want hand outs, be it from my parents, the government or anyone for that matter. I plan on instilling these same values and principles into my child when the time comes as well.

Just my $00.02

 

[rasczak]

Originally posted by: Citrix

Originally posted by: Mwilding
I remember driving past a car dealer when I was almost 16 and making an offhand comment about getting a car for my birthday. I think my eardrums are still ringing from the laughter...

thats funny my daughter did the same thing. i flat out told her im not buying her a car at 16, if she wants one so bad she can do what i did wand did odd jobs until i turned 16 and save for it.

i think she is still pissed off at me.

stay strong brotha **raises black gloved fist**

 

[imported_Imp]

Food, clothing, shelter, love and a good upbringing.

No way they "owe" them an education, and no way in hell do they owe them a car. That shit is a luxury. Kid can pay for college themselves, get a loan or join the military.

 

[AreaCode7O7]

Originally posted by: JMapleton
In my read many posts on these forums I've noticed there is sort of a "your parents don't owe you anything" and a "move out on your 18th birthday" attitude.

The question has come to mind to me, what things to do you think besides emotional needs like love and understanding, do parents have an obligation to give to their children?

While kids are not born with a right to designer clothes or the latest video game system, I do the think parents owe kids the following:

-Their own bedroom (with exceptions unless you live in an extremely expensive city).
-A reliable car at age 16 (assuming the child can be trusted with it)
-A state college education
-In this modern age I think every kid deserves a computer, not for gaming but just enough to do homework.

All of these things I think can be taken away if the child misbehaves or is a troublemaker of some sort.

I think there are many parents out there who act like they can bring kids into this world and then they feel they have no obligation to them except to feed them spam every night and give them used clothing. While I do respect parents who work hard to provide for their kids and are still not able to provide all of the things mentioned, so I try to assess each person based on effort.

What do you think each parent "owes" their kid?

I think parents owe their children what it takes for them to become competent, functioning and contributing members to society. So let's apply that to your list:

- Their own bedroom; many kids share bedrooms and suffer not at all for it. In addition, sharing a bedroom can prepare kids with conflict resolution skills, help them deal with sharing rooms in college, marriage, etc. Criteria for "owed" not met.

- Reliable car at 16. Plenty of kids take the bus, bike, get rides, or work and get their own car. Far from deprivation, this can encourage resourcefulness, exercise, work ethic, etc. Criteria for "owed" not met.

- A state college education. Now we're on slightly trickier ground. I don't think there's any argument that there is benefit from a college education of any sort. However, by the time you're 18 you should have the means and work ethic to provide this for yourself, at some level. It may not mean Harvard, but between educational funding and working you should be able to put yourself through state college. It would be nice if parents provided help, but since you're capable at that age of doing it yourself and therefore do not suffer if they don't help, criteria for "owed" not met.

- (Access to) a Computer. Several years back I would have argued with you on this one, but it's now the only one on your list I would agree with. Computer skills are essential to the world we live in. I don't think parents "owe" their kids a personal computer, but I do think that they owe it to their kids to provide either a family computer or some relatively accessible alternative so their kids learn the skills they need to succeed. Without that access, the child will grow up somewhat handicapped in education and work skills. Criteria for "owed" is met.

 

[SMOGZINN]

1 sperm, 1 egg.

 

[rasczak]

To the OP, as an honest answer, how do you expect children to grow up with a sense of self worth if you hand them these *owed* things? If it's expected of you to buy your child a car, where does it end? At 31 when they get married and have kids are they going to expect you as a parent to buy them a house? Set up their retirement? Work their job for them? You're supposed to empower them to be able to do things for themselves both as children as weel adults. To be able able to reach a goal no matter how insurmountable it appears. Your suggestion that children are entitled to these certain material object only magnifies what's going wrong with society today, the expectation that I have a right to everything without having to work for it. I'm sorry, but I will not teach my children that. If they want something they need to earn what they want. I want my children to be successful through hard work and dedication to see a task to completion and the reward of self satisfaction for having worked so hard for it. Not the expectation that something will be given to them regardless of whether they worked for it or not. You'll see the error of your thinking when you have children of your own, if not, then I truly fear for your children.

 

[AreaCode7O7]

Originally posted by: JMapleton

Originally posted by: Tiamat

Originally posted by: JMapleton

Originally posted by: her209
Food, clothing, and shelter until 18 years old. That's it.

You see I disagree, I think if a child shows potential to become a productive member of society, that child deserves from their parents help to get them to succeed.

There many people out there who did not grow up with the things I mentioned and thus they feel their kids don't deserve anymore than what they had.

It is that bitterness is what causes kids to later resent their parents.

I think it is far more important for parents to each their children financial responsibility than to give away important things like cars, computers, etc. for free. By helping their child obtain a part time job, the child can earn wages and buy their own stuff.

Kids resent parents who do not teach responsibility and respect

Ok, here is another one sure to rile people up. I personally believe kids deserve an allowance and are not required or even asked to have a job while in highschool as long as they do exceptionally well in school. If the child is a troublemaker their ass needs to work to instill worth ethic and responsibility in them yes, but not for a kid who does the right things.

If the parents are providing everything needed to sustain, educate and prepare the child for life, what *necessary* items does the child have to spend allowance on? It helps teach budgeting skills, and for that it's beneficial, but it isn't going to stunt the child's development if they don't have one.

On the other hand, I think the parent owes it to the child to instill work ethic early on, so I think the parent "owes" the child the responsibility of a job.