Question for those in relationships regarding email privacy

[sixone]

Originally posted by: shimsham
he openly told her he changed his p/w and thats what lead to all the arguments.

the consequence is she lost his trust by reading his personal emails. that shows an obvious lack of trust and respect in him on her part. in that, she now loses his trust and respect. i dont see how he could earn her trust anymore than giving her the original p/w in the first place, but apparently that wasnt enough for her and she had to go snooping.

its not a simple case of "if you dont trust me, then i cant trust you". she broke that trust. and like you said, trust has to be earned. so she has to earn it back.

and now were back to where we started. there are pleny of innocent reasons why he wouldnt want her reading his personal email. but thats lost on you, because he obviously has something to hide even though she found nothing while reading his emails.

Just because she didn't find anything in the emails, doesn't mean she didn't have a good reason to be suspicious. He may very well be totally innocent yet unintentionally acted in a way that gave her reason to wonder. He may not even know what started it, or he may have dismissed it as unimportant, since he knows what his intentions were.

You seem to be assuming that she was looking for trouble, and started it by reading his messages. Since we don't have her version, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. If/when the OP comes back and tells us what reason she gave for reading his messages in the first place, then we can discuss that.

 

[AMCRambler]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: shimsham
he openly told her he changed his p/w and thats what lead to all the arguments.

the consequence is she lost his trust by reading his personal emails. that shows an obvious lack of trust and respect in him on her part. in that, she now loses his trust and respect. i dont see how he could earn her trust anymore than giving her the original p/w in the first place, but apparently that wasnt enough for her and she had to go snooping.

its not a simple case of "if you dont trust me, then i cant trust you". she broke that trust. and like you said, trust has to be earned. so she has to earn it back.

and now were back to where we started. there are pleny of innocent reasons why he wouldnt want her reading his personal email. but thats lost on you, because he obviously has something to hide even though she found nothing while reading his emails.

Just because she didn't find anything in the emails, doesn't mean she didn't have a good reason to be suspicious. He may very well be totally innocent yet unintentionally acted in a way that gave her reason to wonder. He may not even know what started it, or he may have dismissed it as unimportant, since he knows what his intentions were.

You seem to be assuming that she was looking for trouble, and started it by reading his messages. Since we don't have her version, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. If/when the OP comes back and tells us what reason she gave for reading his messages in the first place, then we can discuss that.

Where does it end though? Just emails? Or will you listen in on his phone conversations too? Going to start rifling through his things to make sure he's not hiding anything? Jesus, you've got trust issues.
My feeling is, you shouldn't be reading your SO's email. If you're worried about them hiding something, confront them about it. Ask them to show you their emails if you really think there's something in there.
That said, my girlfriend reads my email. She knows my password and I know she reads it cause I catch her doing it, lol. I just think it's funny. She got all defensive and gave me her email password so I could check hers so we'd be even, lol but I never use it. She still checks mine from time to time though. Every now and then I change the password and she starts teasing me that I'm hiding something in there, but then I give her the new password and she goes and checks it and shuts up. She's paranoid sometimes, but I still love her.

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: sixone
Since we don't have her version, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

"I choose to believe the version of the story I've never heard!"

That's a first.

Like I said earlier, what's wrong with discussing this using the information we have, rather than information you think might be out there. Obviously, if we were to find out the he cheated on her, this thread would read entirely differently. But rather than making up things to justify her behavior, let's just deal with what we have. Posting plausible reasons for her actions is one thing, like DrPizza did, but refusing to acknowledge the possibility that it's just irrational behavior is... well, irrational.

I still get the impression that you see this woman's behavior as a parallel to yours, so defending her actions is akin to defending your own. You admitted to reading your husband's email, yet you offered nothing in the way of suspicious behavior on his part which would have justified such an invasion of privacy. This tells me that, in your eyes, she really doesn't even need a reason to read his email. So why do you even care if she has one, since you think it's okay either way?

 

[shimsham]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: shimsham
he openly told her he changed his p/w and thats what lead to all the arguments.

the consequence is she lost his trust by reading his personal emails. that shows an obvious lack of trust and respect in him on her part. in that, she now loses his trust and respect. i dont see how he could earn her trust anymore than giving her the original p/w in the first place, but apparently that wasnt enough for her and she had to go snooping.

its not a simple case of "if you dont trust me, then i cant trust you". she broke that trust. and like you said, trust has to be earned. so she has to earn it back.

and now were back to where we started. there are pleny of innocent reasons why he wouldnt want her reading his personal email. but thats lost on you, because he obviously has something to hide even though she found nothing while reading his emails.

Just because she didn't find anything in the emails, doesn't mean she didn't have a good reason to be suspicious. He may very well be totally innocent yet unintentionally acted in a way that gave her reason to wonder. He may not even know what started it, or he may have dismissed it as unimportant, since he knows what his intentions were.

You seem to be assuming that she was looking for trouble, and started it by reading his messages. Since we don't have her version, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. If/when the OP comes back and tells us what reason she gave for reading his messages in the first place, then we can discuss that.

if she had a good reason for suspicion, and thats why she read the emails, then she was looking for trouble (not as in a fight, but as in him up to no good) so i dont see the point youre trying to make here. why else would she look? do you have a reason to read your husbands personal email, other than checking up on him and looking for potential trouble? again, she had his password so what could the op really hide knowing that?

im assuming shes looking for trouble just as much as you are assuming he has something to hide. i know there are 2 sides to every story, and we dont have hers, but i dont think its going too far out on a limb to say she was looking for something out of distrust.

we could both be wrong tho.

 

[Jeraden]

This turned into a pretty entertaining conversation!

To address the question above about how I found out. She had made a comment to me one day which she would have only known had she been reading my email. I don't know if she did it intentionally or if it was just a slip, but I didn't say anything at the time. We do have separate computers and I have a gmail account and she doesn't. To confirm my suspicion I checked her internet history and noticed she had been visiting gmail.google.com at least every day. I still didn't confront her about it - it bothered me but like I said, I wasn't doing anything illicit in my emails so there wasn't anything I was trying to really hide. But over the next week I started to feel very awkward writing to people when I knew everything I said was being read by my wife, like I suddenly had no privacy at all. Thats when I confronted her about it and asked her to stop, mentioning I knew about it because of the slip she made the prior week. Hoping she'd honor that request I didn't change my password or anything. But after a couple more days when I noticed she was still visiting gmail on her computer (so yes, I had to resort to snooping on her to find this out) I confronted her again and changed my password, which resulted in the arguments and my posting this thread. She didn't deny reading them.

She did give a reasoning as to why, but I really don't want to get into that. It really goes back to an incident that happened basically when we first started dating. One that we have completely different views on. I of course insist I am right, because I know the full story. She prefers to believe her own version of events. I really don't know what that issue has to do with emails though, especially when she's seen who I talk to and knows what I talk about. But thats where her insecurity comes from, something that happened 12 years ago which didn't even happen. I think its time for her to get over it. We've talked about it a trillion different times and trust me, it will never be resolved.
Anyways, I really just wanted to see what the normal policy was on spouses and emails so I had some justification in keeping my personal life semi-private still, as really, I'm doing nothing wrong, I swear!

 

[shimsham]

haha i brought this up with my wife last night also, jj. we basically said the same thing. we concluded that if we wanted to read the others mail, all we had to do was ask. she also brought up the point i was making earlier about confidentiality between friends and how important that is. normally, we tell each other everything anyway, but neither of us are naive enough to think there arent some things we have to keep to ourselves out of respect for our friends. thats one reason why i love her, because shes great like that.

 

[shimsham]

Originally posted by: Jeraden
This turned into a pretty entertaining conversation!

To address the question above about how I found out. She had made a comment to me one day which she would have only known had she been reading my email. I don't know if she did it intentionally or if it was just a slip, but I didn't say anything at the time. We do have separate computers and I have a gmail account and she doesn't. To confirm my suspicion I checked her internet history and noticed she had been visiting gmail.google.com at least every day. I still didn't confront her about it - it bothered me but like I said, I wasn't doing anything illicit in my emails so there wasn't anything I was trying to really hide. But over the next week I started to feel very awkward writing to people when I knew everything I said was being read by my wife, like I suddenly had no privacy at all. Thats when I confronted her about it and asked her to stop, mentioning I knew about it because of the slip she made the prior week. Hoping she'd honor that request I didn't change my password or anything. But after a couple more days when I noticed she was still visiting gmail on her computer (so yes, I had to resort to snooping on her to find this out) I confronted her again and changed my password, which resulted in the arguments and my posting this thread. She didn't deny reading them.

She did give a reasoning as to why, but I really don't want to get into that. It really goes back to an incident that happened basically when we first started dating. One that we have completely different views on. I of course insist I am right, because I know the full story. She prefers to believe her own version of events. I really don't know what that issue has to do with emails though, especially when she's seen who I talk to and knows what I talk about. But thats where her insecurity comes from, something that happened 12 years ago which didn't even happen. I think its time for her to get over it. We've talked about it a trillion different times and trust me, it will never be resolved.
Anyways, I really just wanted to see what the normal policy was on spouses and emails so I had some justification in keeping my personal life semi-private still, as really, I'm doing nothing wrong, I swear!

ah yes, the old scoreboard. im not so sure anyone has a solution for that one. when people get something in their heads, its hard to change their stance on it. especially when it comes to insecurity.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Jeraden
This turned into a pretty entertaining conversation!

To address the question above about how I found out. She had made a comment to me one day which she would have only known had she been reading my email. I don't know if she did it intentionally or if it was just a slip, but I didn't say anything at the time. We do have separate computers and I have a gmail account and she doesn't. To confirm my suspicion I checked her internet history and noticed she had been visiting gmail.google.com at least every day. I still didn't confront her about it - it bothered me but like I said, I wasn't doing anything illicit in my emails so there wasn't anything I was trying to really hide. But over the next week I started to feel very awkward writing to people when I knew everything I said was being read by my wife, like I suddenly had no privacy at all. Thats when I confronted her about it and asked her to stop, mentioning I knew about it because of the slip she made the prior week. Hoping she'd honor that request I didn't change my password or anything. But after a couple more days when I noticed she was still visiting gmail on her computer (so yes, I had to resort to snooping on her to find this out) I confronted her again and changed my password, which resulted in the arguments and my posting this thread. She didn't deny reading them.

She did give a reasoning as to why, but I really don't want to get into that. It really goes back to an incident that happened basically when we first started dating. One that we have completely different views on. I of course insist I am right, because I know the full story. She prefers to believe her own version of events. I really don't know what that issue has to do with emails though, especially when she's seen who I talk to and knows what I talk about. But thats where her insecurity comes from, something that happened 12 years ago which didn't even happen. I think its time for her to get over it. We've talked about it a trillion different times and trust me, it will never be resolved.
Anyways, I really just wanted to see what the normal policy was on spouses and emails so I had some justification in keeping my personal life semi-private still, as really, I'm doing nothing wrong, I swear!

So you went snooping on her computer, when you were pissed that she snooped on yours. You two are well matched.

Knowing that she's been worried about this for 12 years, you shut her out with a new PW. Did you really think she'd say, "Oh, honey, a new password proves it. I've been wrong about you all this time. I'm so sorry"? What did you think would happen?

If you wanted a private life, you should have stayed single, or picked a gal that wanted you to have one. Since you didn't, here you are, married to a woman who's been suspicious of you since before you proposed to her. Asking strangers for their definition of 'normal.' Does that sound healthy to you?

Please get some professional help with this. After twelve years, you need to admit that you can't work it out on your own.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: jbourne77
I still get the impression that you see this woman's behavior as a parallel to yours, so defending her actions is akin to defending your own. You admitted to reading your husband's email, yet you offered nothing in the way of suspicious behavior on his part which would have justified such an invasion of privacy. This tells me that, in your eyes, she really doesn't even need a reason to read his email. So why do you even care if she has one, since you think it's okay either way?

Does that mean you're defending his actions as you would your own? Does that make your arguments any less valid than mine, IF that is indeed the case?

If you read back, you'll see that I stated my reason for reading those particular e-mails: because messages from her to him were out of the ordinary. Since they were from her to him, there wasn't any information there about my husband, only about HER - and that has nothing to do with HIS privacy. In the five years we've had separate computers, I've never once gone to his computer and looked at outgoing messages. Don't expect to either.

He volunteered the information before he knew I'd seen them, and when I told him I had already read them, he didn't have a problem with it. She's sent him three more messages to him since then, which I have not read.

 

[MercenaryForHire]

What about trusting each other enough to know that you don't have to snoop? :roll:

- M4H

 

[Jeraden]

Originally posted by: sixone
So you went snooping on her computer, when you were pissed that she snooped on yours. You two are well matched.

Knowing that she's been worried about this for 12 years, you shut her out with a new PW. Did you really think she'd say, "Oh, honey, a new password proves it. I've been wrong about you all this time. I'm so sorry"? What did you think would happen?

If you wanted a private life, you should have stayed single, or picked a gal that wanted you to have one. Since you didn't, here you are, married to a woman who's been suspicious of you since before you proposed to her. Asking strangers for their definition of 'normal.' Does that sound healthy to you?

Please get some professional help with this. After twelve years, you need to admit that you can't work it out on your own.

If the incident in question bothered her so much, she should have quit dating me back then, not date me for 3 years then marry me. Its only a major issue for her when she wants it to be. You seem to think I am looking for a peaceful solution to the problem and I am not. I only came to see if having private email is a reasonable thing to expect in a relationship, and other than you, the overwhelming majority of people agree that it is. Maybe not completely sealed off, but at least private with the expectation its not being actively monitored. Since the temptation is too great for her to stay away, completely sealed off is the only solution for now.
Cold turkey for the win.

 

[Fatdog]

Originally posted by: MercenaryForHire
What about trusting each other enough to know that you don't have to snoop? :roll:

- M4H

It seems trust is no longer an option in todays relationships.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Jeraden

Originally posted by: sixone
So you went snooping on her computer, when you were pissed that she snooped on yours. You two are well matched.

Knowing that she's been worried about this for 12 years, you shut her out with a new PW. Did you really think she'd say, "Oh, honey, a new password proves it. I've been wrong about you all this time. I'm so sorry"? What did you think would happen?

If you wanted a private life, you should have stayed single, or picked a gal that wanted you to have one. Since you didn't, here you are, married to a woman who's been suspicious of you since before you proposed to her. Asking strangers for their definition of 'normal.' Does that sound healthy to you?

Please get some professional help with this. After twelve years, you need to admit that you can't work it out on your own.

If the incident in question bothered her so much, she should have quit dating me back then, not date me for 3 years then marry me. Its only a major issue for her when she wants it to be. You seem to think I am looking for a peaceful solution to the problem and I am not. I only came to see if having private email is a reasonable thing to expect in a relationship, and other than you, the overwhelming majority of people agree that it is. Maybe not completely sealed off, but at least private with the expectation its not being actively monitored. Since the temptation is too great for her to stay away, completely sealed off is the only solution for now.
Cold turkey for the win.

And if her lack of trust bothered you so much, you could have quit dating her. You married a suspicious woman, and now you come here crying that she's STILL suspicious. Too late now, either way.

It's pretty obvious you don't want a peaceful solution. It's your way or the highway - we'll see how you feel when she picks the highway. Or maybe you got a woman who thinks you're best she can do, so she'll take what you dish out. Either way, go you.

Cold turkey is for addicts. Treating your wife like an addict may change the symptoms, but it won't cure the problem.

 

[shimsham]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Jeraden

Originally posted by: sixone
So you went snooping on her computer, when you were pissed that she snooped on yours. You two are well matched.

Knowing that she's been worried about this for 12 years, you shut her out with a new PW. Did you really think she'd say, "Oh, honey, a new password proves it. I've been wrong about you all this time. I'm so sorry"? What did you think would happen?

If you wanted a private life, you should have stayed single, or picked a gal that wanted you to have one. Since you didn't, here you are, married to a woman who's been suspicious of you since before you proposed to her. Asking strangers for their definition of 'normal.' Does that sound healthy to you?

Please get some professional help with this. After twelve years, you need to admit that you can't work it out on your own.

If the incident in question bothered her so much, she should have quit dating me back then, not date me for 3 years then marry me. Its only a major issue for her when she wants it to be. You seem to think I am looking for a peaceful solution to the problem and I am not. I only came to see if having private email is a reasonable thing to expect in a relationship, and other than you, the overwhelming majority of people agree that it is. Maybe not completely sealed off, but at least private with the expectation its not being actively monitored. Since the temptation is too great for her to stay away, completely sealed off is the only solution for now.
Cold turkey for the win.

And if her lack of trust bothered you so much, you could have quit dating her. You married a suspicious woman, and now you come here crying that she's STILL suspicious. Too late now, either way.

It's pretty obvious you don't want a peaceful solution. It's your way or the highway - we'll see how you feel when she picks the highway. Or maybe you got a woman who thinks you're best she can do, so she'll take what you dish out. Either way, go you.

Cold turkey is for addicts. Treating your wife like an addict may change the symptoms, but it won't cure the problem.

right. cause you cant love someone and have a relationship with them in spite of their flaws......

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: sixone
Does that mean you're defending his actions as you would your own? Does that make your arguments any less valid than mine, IF that is indeed the case?

You're darn right I'm defending his actions as my own, because I would have handled it the same way. Actually, he handled it better than I would have. I would have changed the password on my email account AND my computer (assuming it was just mine) and it would be a cold day in hell before I shared another PW with her. I admit that my response would have been worse than his, but that's me. I wouldn't like having my integrity, honesty, and trustworthy called into question like that by the woman I've trusted my life to, and I doubt I would have handled it as gracefully as the OP.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: shimsham
right. cause you cant love someone and have a relationship with them in spite of their flaws......

Of course you can't, that would be silly. And by the same token, you can have flaws, but they can't. :roll:

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: sixone
So you went snooping on her computer, when you were pissed that she snooped on yours. You two are well matched.

I like you apply an entirely different set of rules to the OP than you do his wife. He had REASON to look at her Internet history. You said if the wife had REASON to be suspicious, she could read his email. Which way do you want to have it?

Personally, I don't think peering at Internet history is the same as reading email, but I know that could be up for great debate with good points on either side, so I won't argue about it. Regardless, you're being a hypocrit.

Originally posted by: sixone
Knowing that she's been worried about this for 12 years, you shut her out with a new PW. Did you really think she'd say, "Oh, honey, a new password proves it. I've been wrong about you all this time. I'm so sorry"? What did you think would happen?

Actually, if it was bothering her TWELVE years ago and she married him NINE years ago, well, do the math. He can't possibly be held responsible for ****** that she accepted, through marrying him, which happend over a DECADE ago. That's no excuse for violating his privacy on a daily, and I mean DAILY, basis. Talk about irrational!

Originally posted by: sixone
If you wanted a private life, you should have stayed single, or picked a gal that wanted you to have one. Since you didn't, here you are, married to a woman who's been suspicious of you since before you proposed to her. Asking strangers for their definition of 'normal.' Does that sound healthy to you?

God... you just can't fathom that the woman screwed up here, can you? Basic privacy requests regarding email is NOT unreasonable. If she couldn't honor something as simple as that, she shouldn't have pledged vows to the guy.

So is it a female thing with you or what? I hate to play that card, but you've been playing it since page 1. The only reason I can think of as to why you would still be taking the stance you are is because she's a woman. I know how rediculous that sounds, but what other explanation is there?

 

[shimsham]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: shimsham
right. cause you cant love someone and have a relationship with them in spite of their flaws......

Of course you can't, that would be silly. And by the same token, you can have flaws, but they can't. :roll:

yeah, thats what im saying.....

im starting to think youre just a manhater.

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: sixone
And if her lack of trust bothered you so much, you could have quit dating her. You married a suspicious woman, and now you come here crying that she's STILL suspicious. Too late now, either way.

It's pretty obvious you don't want a peaceful solution. It's your way or the highway - we'll see how you feel when she picks the highway. Or maybe you got a woman who thinks you're best she can do, so she'll take what you dish out. Either way, go you.

Cold turkey is for addicts. Treating your wife like an addict may change the symptoms, but it won't cure the problem.

You still can't recognize who the source of the problem is. Now it's the guy's fault because he married a suspicious woman. We sure wouldn't want to hold the woman accountable for her extremely illogical behavior, now would we.

It's not a matter of "his way or the highway", it's a matter of "treat me like a fscking adult, will you?"

To the OP, bravo. You handled this better than most people would have, me and my wife included .

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: shimsham

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: shimsham
right. cause you cant love someone and have a relationship with them in spite of their flaws......

Of course you can't, that would be silly. And by the same token, you can have flaws, but they can't. :roll:

yeah, thats what im saying.....

im starting to think youre just a manhater.

Glad I didn't have to be the one to say it, but that's certainly what this is all amounting to.

My wife's been following this thread, too... we've had some good laughs.

PS - Honey, you can read all my email... except for my Yahoo account.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: jbourne77

Originally posted by: sixone
Does that mean you're defending his actions as you would your own? Does that make your arguments any less valid than mine, IF that is indeed the case?

You're darn right I'm defending his actions as my own, because I would have handled it the same way. Actually, he handled it better than I would have. I would have changed the password on my email account AND my computer (assuming it was just mine) and it would be a cold day in hell before I shared another PW with her. I admit that my response would have been worse than his, but that's me. I wouldn't like having my integrity, honesty, and trustworthy called into question like that by the woman I've trusted my life to, and I doubt I would have handled it as gracefully as the OP.

If she was married to you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Since she isn't, let's deal with what IS, and not what should be.

I have never claimed that the OP's wife was 100% perfectly right. I may disagree with the OP, but that doesn't mean I can't disagree with his wife as well. I would have a few choice words for her, if she was here, but she isn't, so why waste the time?

 

[Mrfrog840]

Make up some alphanumeric passwords that are hard to remember. Thats what I do and my old SO couldnt remember the passwords to save her life! 9R5G73D3F stuff like that makes it very hard unless they use it frequently

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: sixone
If she was married to you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Since she isn't, let's deal with what IS, and not what should be.

Wait wait wait... you can't say "let's deal with what is" right after saying "since the wife's not here, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt".

In other words, giving the benefit of the doubt to a side of the story that, until recently, was nothing more than your own wild speculation.

Originally posted by: sixone
I would have a few choice words for her, if she was here, but she isn't, so why waste the time?

Okay, it's time get extreme. An assault victim posts a thread about how she was beaten down to the ground while leaving work.

"So, Mrs. Victim... let's get to the heart of what really matters here: What did you do to deserve the beatdown? Did you look at him crosseyed 12 years ago? Maybe you should work on making him feel better about that so you don't get beatdown again."

"Uh, are you insane?"

"Well, the attacker isn't here so I'm not going to waste my time pointing out what a prick he is. "

......



... oh wait... the victim was female... nevermind. Guess the anology wouldn't apply here.

:biggreennastypukeicon:

 

[Megadeth]

I don't see a problem with reading each others emails as long both of us know we read each others emails... Besides there are always the possibilites of creating email accounts your SO doesnt know about if you really do have those kind of issues.

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: Megadeth
I don't see a problem with reading each others emails as long both of us know we read each others emails... Besides there are always the possibilites of creating email accounts your SO doesnt know about if you really do have those kind of issues.

If that's what's been agreed, that's cool. I think it's when one of the spouses decides on their own that its open season, that this stuff becomes a problem. In the case of the OP, the spouse did not tell the other the she was reading his email (let alone ask if it was okay... a foreign concept to some, I guess). And after being asked to stop, the spouse continued, deliberately ignoring the other's wishes to a little privacy.

If she had a problem with that and couldn't respect that wish, she should have said so rather than just continuing to read the email. That's what children do. They say "ok" and do whatever they want to anyway. That's certainly not how husbands and wives should treat each other.

When my son does that, he stands in a corner. I say put the wench in a corner!

<fans the manhatin' flames>