Originally posted by: sixone
That's a great place to start.
I was being sarcastic, but ok
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Originally posted by: sixone
The OP indicated that he and his wife were on the same page in the beginning, but now he's changed his mind
Whoah... hold up a second. Let's first define "on the same page". They were on the same page in that he didn't mind her knowing his passwords. That was before he knew she was using them on a daily basis to check up on him. Knowing each other's passwords is a far cry from not minding that she supervises his communications. By his own words, that was never his understanding. He didn't change his mind... he merely became aware of the fact that his wife supervises his contact whenever he interacts with people other than her.
Originally posted by: sixone
That tells me he now has something to hide, but of course I could be wrong.
That tells you he has something to hide because you're naturally suspicious of others. To me, that just tells me he doesn't want to feel like he's being supervised by his spouse. I thought this was a rather interesting discussion, so I actually brought it up with my wife last night. Out of the blue, I said:
Me: "Would you ever read my email?"
Her: "No..."
Me: "Why not?"
Her: "Because it's not my business"
Me: "What would you say if I read your email?"
Her: "Why don't you trust me?"
Me: "Do you have anything to hide?"
Her: "No."
Me: "Do you think I have anything to hide?"
Her: (Laughs) "Of course not."
This isn't word for word, but this is a pretty accurate jist of what was said. I then of course explained where this was all coming from. The point is, you can have two natural states of mind in a relationship as it pertains to situations like this: A state of trust, or a state of suspicion. Your natural state of mind is suspicion, as is the OP's wife. Just because he's bothered by that fact doesn't mean he has something to hide, even though that's what you naturally assume.
Originally posted by: sixone
If his wife, who knows him better than any of us ever could, was already suspicious enough to let him know she was reading his emails (1), there's a problem there, regardless of where it originated.(2)
(1) We don't know how he found out; he never said she told him. In fact, the original post reads as though he discovered it and then confronted her about it. I'm not positive that's how it happened, but we're not sure either way.
(2) You're right, we don't know where it originated... but all along you've taken an adamant stance that the OP is responsible for it and it's totally on his shoulders to right the problem. Not once did you mention that is was possible that his wife was simply being paranoid and unreasonable. I'll admit that I've given him the benefit of the doubt, but then again, we don't have any evidence to the contrary other than the wife's poking around. You admittedly poke around in your husband's email... did he do something to make you suspicious? I'll admit that it's possible he cheated on her in the past or something like that, but the tone of his posts definitely doesn't point to that, and by your own admission, you find nothing wrong with what she's doing even without a justifiable reason other than "she's his wife".
Originally posted by: sixone
If he's saying "You should trust me enough to not read my emails," while she's saying "You should trust me enough to let me read your emails," where do you go with that? You either find a way to compromise, or risk serious damage to the relationship.
I think the "default" comprimise is that in a mutually trusting relationship,
there's no reason to be reading his email in the first place. Seriously. I trust my wife 100% and I believe she trusts me 100%. I therefore have absolutely
no motivation whatsoever to snoop around in her email, snail mail, phone conversations, etc. And I asked earlier where you would draw the line? How is email different than a phone conversation or personal snail mail. What about a verbal conversation? Do you feel it's okay to tap into all of these mediums even though there's a supposed "trust"? That makes no sense at all to me.
Originally posted by: sixone
Trust isn't something you have a right to, it's something you earn. If you'd rather have privacy than trust, you're free to choose, and take the consequences of your choice.
With trust, you don't have to choose. With trust, you can have your privacy without your spouse getting all bent out of shape. That's why you don't marry someone until they've earned your trust and you've earned theirs. It's not like I'm outlining a plan to lead two separate lives... we're talking about keeping your hands out of your spouse's personal communications... communications that never involved you in the first place.
Does it bother you that it's feasible that your husband receives personal email at work? Pretty tough to supervise him there...
There's not an email of mine anywhere that has damning conversation in it, but I'd be pretty pissed if I found out my wife was checking up on me. It's the principle of the matter. I confirmed with her last night that she'd be pretty pissed at me if I did that to her, too. It sends a message, loud and clear, that I don't trust her. It's the same reason you don't want to find your spouses car in your rear view mirror everytime you head out to run an errand. You might be going to pick up milk for the kids... a pretty innocent task, in my book... but wouldn't that drive you crazy?
If you don't trust your spouse enough to give them a little breathing room, then confront them on whatever matter it was that led you to that feeling. You don't just start spying on them. At some point, you do become a stalker... even if you're married to your "target".
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