I've gotten most of the jokes from thewaronfaith.com. I'm just pulling my favorites...
Heathen Rap
Mary, Mary quite contrary
raped by god, a busted cherry
there were no coat hangers in that day
so she dropped Jesus in some hay
he lived he laughed he loved he lost
They nailed that f-----r to the cross
Heathen Rap
Mary, Mary quite contrary
raped by god, a busted cherry
there were no coat hangers in that day
so she dropped Jesus in some hay
he lived he laughed he loved he lost
They nailed that f-----r to the cross
Red Dawn
Elite Member
- Jun 4, 2001
- 57,529
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These jokes aren't making fun of a group, just one person. God/Allah Jokes should be acceptable too. Should people be banned for Bush jokes because some Neo Conservatives might not like them? How about Inman Jerry Falwell Jokes and Ayatollah Robertson Jokes?
So this old and venerable chinese monk dies and goes to heaven.
There, he meets St Peter.
St Peter says to him, Right, you've led a good life dedicating it to doing good deeds and being a good person. You can come in. But you have to keep really quiet as I bring you to your place of rest.
Monk goes "Why?"
St. Peter says, "You see that big wall over there? The christians are behind it. We don't want them to know about the rest of you."
Makes you wonder why that monk is considered condemned.
There, he meets St Peter.
St Peter says to him, Right, you've led a good life dedicating it to doing good deeds and being a good person. You can come in. But you have to keep really quiet as I bring you to your place of rest.
Monk goes "Why?"
St. Peter says, "You see that big wall over there? The christians are behind it. We don't want them to know about the rest of you."
Makes you wonder why that monk is considered condemned.
Cuda1447
Lifer
- Jul 26, 2002
- 11,757
- 0
- 71
Did you even read what I typed? I said that if no one is offended then they are fine. But if someone is offended then they should stay off of a PUBLIC FORUM. The French jokes are fine by me, but if someone else doesn't like them then I say they go. Same with black jokes, christian jokes or jokes about you. If someone is offended for a legitimate reason then they shouldn't be on this public forum.
Red Dawn
Elite Member
- Jun 4, 2001
- 57,529
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Dude like I said most of these jokes are making fun of one person, not the group who follow his teachings. It's no different than God Jokes, Bush Jokes, Chirac Jokes, Jesse Jackson Jokes or Saddam Jokes. If this thread bothers you then don't read it but you can't say it's the same as Black, Jew or Hispanic jokes because it's not making fun of a group.
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Cuda1447
Lifer
- Jul 26, 2002
- 11,757
- 0
- 71
You have a point, but making fun of Jesus is like making fun of Christianity. Or the majority of it. Its like if we were making fun of Martin Luther King. (I don't think I spelled Martin right?) Its still poking fun at the Blacks, or in this case Christianity. Now Im not saying that it horribly offends me. If you guys want to tell these jokes thats fine by me, Im just saying its in bad taste IMO. It may offend others alot worse though.
dabuddha
Lifer
- Apr 10, 2000
- 19,579
- 17
- 81
Jesus And Satan Compete In A Programmming Contest
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
I know I know *GROAN*
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
I know I know *GROAN*
Schadenfreude
Lifer
- Dec 28, 2001
- 11,391
- 3
- 0
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab and Fresca ... we drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because we're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer -- no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt ... you're dead anyhow.
Satan: What about drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: Hell no...
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces), then you're gonna hate Fridays.
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab and Fresca ... we drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because we're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer -- no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt ... you're dead anyhow.
Satan: What about drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: Hell no...
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces), then you're gonna hate Fridays.
Schadenfreude
Lifer
- Dec 28, 2001
- 11,391
- 3
- 0
To the horror of the locals, Satan suddenly appeared in the main street of a small town one Sunday morning. Everyone rushed indoors except for one old timer who calmly stayed on his porch reading a book. Satan was furious that this one person should not be afraid of him and went over to challenge him.
"Are you scared of me?" screamed Satan at his most menacing.
"Nope," said the old timer.
"Aren't you terrified that I'm going to wreak havoc in your nice little community?"
"Nope."
By now steam was coming out of Satan's ears. He raged "You do know who I am don't you?"
"Should do. Been married to your sister for 46 years."
"Are you scared of me?" screamed Satan at his most menacing.
"Nope," said the old timer.
"Aren't you terrified that I'm going to wreak havoc in your nice little community?"
"Nope."
By now steam was coming out of Satan's ears. He raged "You do know who I am don't you?"
"Should do. Been married to your sister for 46 years."
Unfortunately, thewaronfaith.com is the only site that isn't blocked by work, so here are more jokes from that site:
Q. What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune Juice?
A. A Religious Movement
Q. What kind of a files does the Catholic Church use to make small holes bigger?
A. Pedophiles.
Q. Have you ever heard of an in instant Easter Kit?
A. It's three nails, two board, and one Jew.
Q. What did the man on the beach say to the Priest?
A. Get out of my sun!
Q. Why is a Fundy in a chat room like a hemorrhoid?
A. Because you can't see him, but he's still a pain in the ass.
Q. How many Fundies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they just form a youth group and pray for light.
Q. What did one Roman guard say to the other?
A. Looks like Jesus is getting the hang of it.
dabuddha
Lifer
- Apr 10, 2000
- 19,579
- 17
- 81
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
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