YAGT: The "I Need Space" thread... *update 01/08*

Page 4 - Seeking answers? Join the AnandTech community: where nearly half-a-million members share solutions and discuss the latest tech.

BD2003

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
16,815
1
81
Originally posted by: Red
This is why YAGTs are always hard. Half of you tell me that I need to stop bugging the girl and give her what she wants if I want to stand a chance.... while the other half are advising me to get in her face and figure out what's up... or simply drop her like a bad habit now before I get hurt anymore.

Decisions, decisions.

Keep in mind which is the half that has probably never had a GF, let alone being engaged.
 

jjones

Lifer
Oct 9, 2001
15,424
2
0
All I can say is you've had all the signs lit up in bright neon but you keep ignoring them. You're on the rocky road of relationships and approaching the Dumpsville exit; send us a postcard when you get there.
 

DougK62

Diamond Member
Mar 28, 2001
8,035
6
81
Originally posted by: BD2003
Originally posted by: Red
This is why YAGTs are always hard. Half of you tell me that I need to stop bugging the girl and give her what she wants if I want to stand a chance.... while the other half are advising me to get in her face and figure out what's up... or simply drop her like a bad habit now before I get hurt anymore.

Decisions, decisions.

Keep in mind which is the half that has probably never had a GF, let alone being engaged.

Also keep in mind which is the half that has probably been through the same thing, recognizes the signs, and wants to share their ideas to help prevent another dude from being walked on.

 

RightWinga

Banned
Dec 20, 2004
90
0
0
This is a bad sign. My ex-gf pulled the same sh!t on me before Christmas so that right after she could break it off and run off with another guy. Good luck buddy, but I think you should cut your losses. You should never want to marry someone who has committed to you by accepting an engagement ring and then saying she doesn't know yet. Don't fall into the 50% of Americans that have a divorce.
 

CPA

Elite Member
Nov 19, 2001
30,322
4
0
Originally posted by: Red
This is why YAGTs are always hard. Half of you tell me that I need to stop bugging the girl and give her what she wants if I want to stand a chance.... while the other half are advising me to get in her face and figure out what's up... or simply drop her like a bad habit now before I get hurt anymore.

Decisions, decisions.

Here's a suggestion: You break it off. Tell her she's not going to play these mind games with you. Life is short and you're not going wait to find out if this is what she wants. It's tough to do, but you need to do it. Quite possibly it has the effect on her that she will be taken aback and beg you not to leave (possible, but not probable). There are a lot of fish in the sea, Red. The other guy incident, the breaking off the engagement 3 weeks ago, and now this are not good signs. It will be easier for you to break it off than for you to find out she is banging some other guy over the XMas holidays. Plus, you won't have to start another YAGT to tell us about it. ;)
 

SuepaFly

Senior member
Jun 3, 2001
972
0
0
Sorry, everytime I've said that I needed space was when I was undecided about whether I wanted to be with a person. But maybe she's just resolving cold feet in a weird way, is she prone to solving problems alone?

Also, one last bit of advice. My best friend dated her husband for 4 years before they got married at 23. She kept breaking up with him, unsure of what she wanted, and he kept being positive that she was the one he wanted. In the end, she woke up and was like "I have the most wonderful man ever, through all the sh!+ I put him through, he's still there." She liked everything about him, just not the way he was so knowing and she just didn't understand what he was doing and how he took her back so easily. Then she went overseas for a few months and the space did her good, she was able to understand. And she's never turned back since.

I argued with a friend once about which was better, a man that is strong enough to step away when the obvious move is to step away, or a man that sticks by having faith that things will turn out right.
 

Red

Diamond Member
Aug 22, 2002
3,704
0
0
Originally posted by: SuepaFly
Sorry, everytime I've said that I needed space was when I was undecided about whether I wanted to be with a person. But maybe she's just resolving cold feet in a weird way, is she prone to solving problems alone?

Also, one last bit of advice. My best friend dated her husband for 4 years before they got married at 23. She kept breaking up with him, unsure of what she wanted, and he kept being positive that she was the one he wanted. In the end, she woke up and was like "I have the most wonderful man ever, through all the sh!+ I put him through, he's still there." She liked everything about him, just not the way he was so knowing and she just didn't understand what he was doing and how he took her back so easily. Then she went overseas for a few months and the space did her good, she was able to understand. And she's never turned back since.

I argued with a friend once about which was better, a man that is strong enough to step away when the obvious move is to step away, or a man that sticks by having faith that things will turn out right.

Your post gives me hope. Yes, she tends to solve problems on her own. Tough times indeed for me. When she first told me, over a week ago, I told her that I am not the greatest person to deal with space. I told her to break up with me now if that's what she wants to do, and I told her to tell me (god dammit) if there is another guy so we can end it swiftly. She said NO, she just needs time to think about things. That's why it's hard.
 

RightWinga

Banned
Dec 20, 2004
90
0
0
Originally posted by: tagej
Originally posted by: Red
Originally posted by: sniperruff
she said she needs space, so don't email her, call her or see her for a while until she contacts you again.

she said everything is alright... are you guys engaged or not? don't you trust her? just give her some time away and you should enjoy some time on your own.

You sound exactly like her... is that you Megan?

In all seriousness, she is telling me she just needs space, but it's very difficult when you spend so much time with your fiancee to all of a sudden cut communication. Especially with so much snow around here, I'm worried... wanna call, but then she'll get pissed that I'm not giving her space. Grr.
This sounds again like you just care way more for her than she does for you. You 're smothering her. Leave her the heck alone, let her figure out for herself what she wants. If that includes you, she'll come looking for ya. If not, then just be happy you're finding out now and not starting a "just got divorced, wife took everything" thread.

^^^ if that happens, i.e. you let her "figure out for herself what she wants," and she comes back to you, REJECT her. That's bull that YOU have to be the one she "chooses." People like her are reasons why people divorce.
 

Originally posted by: DougK62
In all seriousness, how many people was she with before you?

I've discovered a strange thing with women that age where they will REFUSE to even think about settling down unless they've kissed X amount of guys, screwed Y amount of guys, had Z relationships, etc.

It's a numbers game. Very strange to me.

You have a whole lot to learn if you actually believe that BS. Perhaps there are many more reasons women that age refuse to settle at that age. Ever considered those other reasons having nothing to do with how many guys they've kissed or screwed? :roll: :disgust:
 

batmang

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2003
3,020
1
81
i say tell her to leave and get out until shes ready to talk.

its not worth your time to wait around. you sound like a great guy, so i dont think you'll have a hard time finding someone else, but if she cant realize what kind of prize she has, then the prize can go elsewhere.

 

SuepaFly

Senior member
Jun 3, 2001
972
0
0
Originally posted by: Red
Originally posted by: SuepaFly
Sorry, everytime I've said that I needed space was when I was undecided about whether I wanted to be with a person. But maybe she's just resolving cold feet in a weird way, is she prone to solving problems alone?

Also, one last bit of advice. My best friend dated her husband for 4 years before they got married at 23. She kept breaking up with him, unsure of what she wanted, and he kept being positive that she was the one he wanted. In the end, she woke up and was like "I have the most wonderful man ever, through all the sh!+ I put him through, he's still there." She liked everything about him, just not the way he was so knowing and she just didn't understand what he was doing and how he took her back so easily. Then she went overseas for a few months and the space did her good, she was able to understand. And she's never turned back since.

I argued with a friend once about which was better, a man that is strong enough to step away when the obvious move is to step away, or a man that sticks by having faith that things will turn out right.

Your post gives me hope. Yes, she tends to solve problems on her own. Tough times indeed for me. When she first told me, over a week ago, I told her that I am not the greatest person to deal with space. I told her to break up with me now if that's what she wants to do, and I told her to tell me (god dammit) if there is another guy so we can end it swiftly. She said NO, she just needs time to think about things. That's why it's hard.

Being in limbo is always hard. Hopefully all ends up well for you. Whichever man you choose to be, it's going to be really difficult, and everything that happens will convince you that you are wrong. If you decide to walk away clean from this, you'll wonder if you should have just given her the space. If you decide to stick through it, you may wonder if she'll ever make up her mind the way you want her to. Good luck!

Edit: One last thing. No one can tell you what the right decision is for you and your fiancee, if they could, it wouldn't be a relationship. A relationship is a special bond between two people, and if they aren't involved, then they can't know. Especially these guys that are telling you to preserve your pride over your fiancee. It's caring about yourself more than someone else that makes a relationship. I think Aristotle said that in love and friendship, there is no justice, no balance.
 

RightWinga

Banned
Dec 20, 2004
90
0
0
I think I just realized SHE IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU INITIATE THE BREAKUP. DON'T FALL FOR IT. GO START SEEING OTHER GIRLS WITHOUT LETTING HER KNOW SO WHEN SHE BREAKS AND INITIATES THE BREAKUP YOU CAN POINT THE FINGER AND SAY "YOU SLUTTY WHORE I KNEW IT BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."
 

BD2003

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
16,815
1
81
Originally posted by: DougK62
Originally posted by: BD2003
Originally posted by: Red
This is why YAGTs are always hard. Half of you tell me that I need to stop bugging the girl and give her what she wants if I want to stand a chance.... while the other half are advising me to get in her face and figure out what's up... or simply drop her like a bad habit now before I get hurt anymore.

Decisions, decisions.

Keep in mind which is the half that has probably never had a GF, let alone being engaged.

Also keep in mind which is the half that has probably been through the same thing, recognizes the signs, and wants to share their ideas to help prevent another dude from being walked on.

And I'm firmly on that side. Taking this sitting down is being walked on.
 

xXped0thugXx

Golden Member
Feb 18, 2004
1,885
1
0
Originally posted by: elektrolokomotive
This is going to end badly...



i think you should leave her alone and move on with your life, seriously giving her space may be what you need , go out with the guys, flirt with some girls (its not cheating), see if you like it better being away from her.... turn her bullsh!t into a good thing
 

DougK62

Diamond Member
Mar 28, 2001
8,035
6
81
Originally posted by: DearQT
Originally posted by: DougK62
In all seriousness, how many people was she with before you?

I've discovered a strange thing with women that age where they will REFUSE to even think about settling down unless they've kissed X amount of guys, screwed Y amount of guys, had Z relationships, etc.

It's a numbers game. Very strange to me.

You have a whole lot to learn if you actually believe that BS. Perhaps there are many more reasons women that age refuse to settle at that age. Ever considered those other reasons having nothing to do with how many guys they've kissed or screwed? :roll: :disgust:

LOL - you're funny. Spend time with the "pretty" crowd on any campus and you'll see what I mean. I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions - there are, and they're usually the homely, chubby, smart, etc girls (the best ones, IMO).

Oh, and :roll: :disgust:
 

Gulzakar

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
3,074
0
0
Let her do whatever she needs to do (within reason).

If you try and force an issue things will get worse.

Just back off and let her come to you. :)
 

Phoenix86

Lifer
May 21, 2003
14,644
10
81
Originally posted by: Red
This is why YAGTs are always hard. Half of you tell me that I need to stop bugging the girl and give her what she wants if I want to stand a chance.... while the other half are advising me to get in her face and figure out what's up... or simply drop her like a bad habit now before I get hurt anymore.

Decisions, decisions.
Simple. Half realize the inevitable, the other half want you to realize it faster by confronting her.

Bottom line, "space" is alway a step back in a relationship. Considering you were at the last step of a relationship (fiance-marrige), taking a step back is a major sign.

From what I have read here my money is on her being a cheater. You don't go from having sex like rabbits to nothing. She's likely getting hers elsewhere. If not, it's a clear sign she doesn't want to be involved with you at that level, for whatever reasons, none of which are good for you.

I'd give her all the space she needs. As in, cut and run. If she does want you she will come back. What is the saying? "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours."
 

Darthvoy

Golden Member
Aug 3, 2004
1,825
1
0
Leave her immediately. To put it simply, she is bored with you and wants to explore her "options" She is going to tell you that she needs space now, and later down the line she is going to tell you she want's to break up. The reason she want's "space" now is so that you can get sort of get comfortable living your life without her, which will make it easier to break up with you later on.
 

Kibbo

Platinum Member
Jul 13, 2004
2,847
0
0
Man, what you have to do is get the heck out of town for a week or so.

This will give her the space she needs, you get to keep occupied otherwise, and you don't look like a wimp for just standing around waiting for her. If you have a friend out of town, go visit them, and drink a lot. Do a little tour where you visit a bunch of friends. Or heck, hit Thailand. Whatever will keep you busy.

Although I only skimmed it, there were parts of your email that were a little arrogant sounding. The whole, this is what women go through in their 20s and 30s thing was pretty insensitive. If you were having a personal crisis, how would you like to have it minimized as "just a phase." I know you didn't say that, but it is essentially what you were trying to say.

Good luck man.
 

Originally posted by: Red
Your post gives me hope. Yes, she tends to solve problems on her own. Tough times indeed for me. When she first told me, over a week ago, I told her that I am not the greatest person to deal with space. I told her to break up with me now if that's what she wants to do, and I told her to tell me (god dammit) if there is another guy so we can end it swiftly. She said NO, she just needs time to think about things. That's why it's hard.
I see ... you're hopelessly romantic, aren't you? See. the problem here is you aren't even willing to give her space. You seem clingy and dependent. I don't know many women that like clingy men. At least give her the space that she's asking from you and let her decide for herself, since you won't break it up. One more thing, breaking up with her does not mean that you'll never get back together. In fact, that's why it's essential that you do it now and in good terms, so you'll have the chance when she does find herself. Just tell her something like, "I understand what you're going through. I want to give you the space that you've asked for, so you can decide for yourself what you want. Feel free to contact me at anytime you want. I still love you (if you feel that way toward her). Good luck." Express affections and let it be. Of course your own words would be better.

Just my opinion, which I know you won't take anyway because you only hear things that you want to hear. I understand ... different people with different personalities, some drama queens and kings. :p

Originally posted by: DougK62
LOL - you're funny. Spend time with the 'pretty' crowd on any campus and you'll see what I mean. I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions - there are, and they're usually the homely, chubby, smart, etc girls (the best ones, IMO).
[Chuckles:] How many more assumptions will you be making there? You're entitled to your opinion, but I'm afraid you don't know girls at all.
 

Adul

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
32,999
44
91
danny.tangtam.com
Originally posted by: flamingelephant
A fiancee shouldn't be needing space.... you are planning to spend the rest of your lives together..... its a very bad sign. If she wants to spend more time with her friends then tell her she should, but that doesnt mean she should stop seeing you or hold your hand or stuff like that....... i'd do a quick check on your relationship-ejection-seat if things go downhill

agreed. her turning cold on you just isn't right.

i smell a rat...
 

BD2003

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
16,815
1
81
Originally posted by: DearQT
Originally posted by: Red
Your post gives me hope. Yes, she tends to solve problems on her own. Tough times indeed for me. When she first told me, over a week ago, I told her that I am not the greatest person to deal with space. I told her to break up with me now if that's what she wants to do, and I told her to tell me (god dammit) if there is another guy so we can end it swiftly. She said NO, she just needs time to think about things. That's why it's hard.
I see ... you're hopelessly romantic, aren't you? See. the problem here is you aren't even willing to give her space. You seem clingy and dependent. I don't know many women that like clingy men. At least give her the space that she's asking from you and let her decide for herself, since you won't break it up. One more thing, breaking up with her does not mean that you'll never get back together. In fact, that's why it's essential that you do it now and in good terms, so you'll have the chance when she does find herself. Just tell her something like, "I understand what you're going through. I want to give you the space that you've asked for, so you can decide for yourself what you want. Feel free to contact me at anytime you want. I still love you (if you feel that way toward her). Good luck." Express affections and let it be. Of course your own words would be better.

Just my opinion, which I know you won't take anyway because you only hear things that you want to hear. I understand ... different people with different personalities, some drama queens and kings. :p

Translation: blah blah blah, I know everything, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah girls are special, we should be treated like princesses, bowed down to blah blah.

If theyve already transitioned to being engaged, albeit a long time ago, there should be no more of this "I need space". Nothing about what he said implies that he's needy, clingy or dependent. And believe me, I know that when I see it. It sounds like you shouldnt have been engaged in the first place. But most importantly, this is NOT the first time this has happened. Its been twice in less than a year. Why youre engaged for two years and not married is beyond me, but its starting to sound like maybe thats a good thing.

Its one thing if things need to be discussed, but if she doesnt want HER FIANCEE calling her at night, alarms should be going off.

I say give her her space, on your terms, not hers.
 

dirtboy

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
6,745
1
81
Originally posted by: CPA
Here's a suggestion: You break it off. Tell her she's not going to play these mind games with you. Life is short and you're not going wait to find out if this is what she wants. It's tough to do, but you need to do it. Quite possibly it has the effect on her that she will be taken aback and beg you not to leave (possible, but not probable). There are a lot of fish in the sea, Red. The other guy incident, the breaking off the engagement 3 weeks ago, and now this are not good signs. It will be easier for you to break it off than for you to find out she is banging some other guy over the XMas holidays. Plus, you won't have to start another YAGT to tell us about it. ;)

Of course the flip side is that maybe she thinks he's playing mind games by being engaged for 2 years with no plans to actually get married. Maybe she think he put the ring on her finger to keep her in place. After two years of nothing, she's started to drift to look for someone who might actually want her instead of someone who makes empty promises.

Her mind has been made up. She's checked out of the relationship. Red should just let her go and learn from the experience.
 

Originally posted by: BD2003
Translation: blah blah blah, I know everything, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah girls are special, we should be treated like princesses, bowed down to blah blah.

If theyve already transitioned to being engaged, albeit a long time ago, there should be no more of this "I need space". Nothing about what he said implies that he's needy, clingy or dependent. And believe me, I know that when I see it. It sounds like you shouldnt have been engaged in the first place. But most importantly, this is NOT the first time this has happened. Its been twice in less than a year. Why youre engaged for two years and not married is beyond me, but its starting to sound like maybe thats a good thing.

Its one thing if things need to be discussed, but if she doesnt want HER FIANCEE calling her at night, alarms should be going off.

I say give her her space, on your terms, not hers.

Of course, you're damn right: I believe girls and women should be treated as princesses. Heaven forbid I accept any man/boy who doesn't treat me like a princess. However, I only think he should treat me like a princess because I deserve it and proved it. I haven't said a trashy girl should be treated like a princess.

Red is the one acting desperate. My position is that she doesn't even want to be with him at the moment. She just wants him to call it off, but he won't do it. So since he's chosen to suck up to that crap, then he should at least learn to give her a breathing space if he ever wants it to work. He's the one that proposed to her, not she to him. I don't think the engagement means anything anymore, since she's indicated that she's not sure of herself. How many more ways must she put it? It's ridiculous to force someone to commit because they accepted your engagement some time ago. Things change and people change. Engagements are conditional; they aren't marriages. At the very least, give her some breathing space to come to terms with her commitment. Or if he's smart and realistic, he could call it off now. I'm sure he has good intents, but....
 

RightWinga

Banned
Dec 20, 2004
90
0
0
Originally posted by: DearQT
Originally posted by: BD2003
Translation: blah blah blah, I know everything, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah girls are special, we should be treated like princesses, bowed down to blah blah.

If theyve already transitioned to being engaged, albeit a long time ago, there should be no more of this "I need space". Nothing about what he said implies that he's needy, clingy or dependent. And believe me, I know that when I see it. It sounds like you shouldnt have been engaged in the first place. But most importantly, this is NOT the first time this has happened. Its been twice in less than a year. Why youre engaged for two years and not married is beyond me, but its starting to sound like maybe thats a good thing.

Its one thing if things need to be discussed, but if she doesnt want HER FIANCEE calling her at night, alarms should be going off.

I say give her her space, on your terms, not hers.

Of course, you're damn right: I believe girls and women should be treated as princesses. Heaven forbid I accept any man/boy who doesn't treat me like a princess. However, I only think he should treat me like a princess because I deserve it and proved it. I haven't said a trashy girl should be treated like a princess.

Red is the one acting desperate. My position is that she doesn't even want to be with him at the moment. She just wants him to call it off, but he won't do it. So since he's chosen to suck up to that crap, then he should at least learn to give her a breathing space if he ever wants it to work. He's the one that proposed to her, not she to him. I don't think the engagement means anything anymore, since she's indicated that she's not sure of herself. How many more ways must she put it? It's ridiculous to force someone to commit because they accepted your engagement some time ago. Things change and people change. Engagements are conditional; they aren't marriages. At the very least, give her some breathing space to come to terms with her commitment. Or if he's smart and realistic, he could call it off now. I'm sure he has good intents, but....

Women should never have the edge. That's just wrong.