YAGT: but not really bad.

Page 4 - Seeking answers? Join the AnandTech community: where nearly half-a-million members share solutions and discuss the latest tech.

BD2003

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
16,815
1
76
Originally posted by: Gulzakar
MORE UPDATES!

ok, so...I came home from worka nd received a text... "so tired". I offered for her to come over and relax, she replied with "too busy, blah blah blah, sounds good blah (I'm a little tired), we were bad last night". I then get another text saying "I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship".

:confused:

I don't really know what to say. She had a good time, but she mentioned something about having guy friends in the past where things got weird. I told her that I understood and things were ok. I didn't push the matter. Not sure...

so where are my Obi-Wans? hehe


Based on that...well, sorry to say, but youre probably fvcked. Or not fvcked, to be more accurate.

Since shes holding on to this "friendship" thing, your options are becoming limited. Id say this is the point where you basically just go balls to the wall, and tell her how you CANT be just friends with her, but honestly, I dont expect much of it. You were ready to do it before, so I hope youre ready to do it now. These situations are best handled with a scorched earth approach. Wait a few days before doing so. You and I both know that you cant be friends with her, and trying to do so is a mistake that will just add to the agony.

A couple years ago, in my younger days, I used to hang out with this one girl all the time. We were in the same elementary school class, and hadnt seen each other for years. We were just friends. Then we started getting close, and I slept over her place every now and then, sneaking in her house and all. Soon it came to cuddling. Then one night her dad finds out Im there, and I take off after the words "Im gonna go get my gun" come out of his mouth, and it hasnt been the same since. But thats a whole other story. ;) Anyway the point is, after that, she assumed I was gonna kiss her, and asked me why I didnt. I so could have. But I didnt, because I wasnt "sure if it was ok with her". I was the nerd, and she was the cool girl. But we were "just friends." If I had wanted it like that, I could have had it, and she even told me so, long after she finds a boyfriend. The point of all this is...I had my time, I passed it by, and I missed my chance. But theres more to it than that. I now realize that I would NEVER EVER have been able to have a relationship with her, partially because she's the kind of girl that lets guys sneak into her room, cuddle with them, and then act like we were just friends. We're still friends, but thats only cause we both know we'd never work out together, we both have our own SOs, and we rarely see each other. I never was taken with her, but for those girls who I have been totally fawning over in the past, I just cant talk to them anymore. Not worth the mental anguish.

Now I dont know the girl personally, but in general, you do not want to go out with a girl that does not understand that men and women can only rarely be friends like that and not have stuff like this crop up. Shes not grounded in reality, and that is not a good thing. If she isnt realistic about something this obvious, its probably just the tip of the iceberg. And you want to run as far far away from a girl as possible that thinks its alright for her to take her pants off in your bed, and then still act like youre "just friends". From what you said about other guys getting weird, this is a habitual thing for her. Call that personality if you want, but I call that mental problems. From my perspective, she sounds like bad news in a bottle, but youre the one who really knows her.

So either:

1) Wait a week, and let her know the deal.
2) Wait 6 months, forget about her, come back out of the blue, and let her know the deal.

But stop torturing yourself until then. Dont do her any "favors" at your expense. You have every right to get a little bitchy and pissed with her too for leading you on, so if it makes you feel better, go for it. Dont let her walk all over you. If she doesnt understand that taking her pants off in beds with guys is leading them on, then at least be the guy to tell her that it absolutely is.
 

VictorLazlo

Senior member
Jul 23, 2003
996
0
0
Originally posted by: Gulzakar
MORE UPDATES!

ok, so...I came home from worka nd received a text... "so tired". I offered for her to come over and relax, she replied with "too busy, blah blah blah, sounds good blah (I'm a little tired), we were bad last night". I then get another text saying "I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship".

:confused:

I don't really know what to say. She had a good time, but she mentioned something about having guy friends in the past where things got weird. I told her that I understood and things were ok. I didn't push the matter. Not sure...

so where are my Obi-Wans? hehe

Dang. This has been quite a rollercoaster ride.

BD2003 has wisdom in his words. I agree that things look bad at this point, but we need to give it a little more time before we know for sure.
 

Gulzakar

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
3,074
0
0
yeah.

I realized it wasn't me as it was the situation.

she really is an awesome girl. part of me thinks that she really is confused right now...can't blame her, her life is taking a different turn. I'm not Mr. Fallout. I really don't have to listen to her problems. I do have a good time with her, but I think I might just end that...which is too bad, but I dont think I can handle it otherwise.
 

BD2003

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
16,815
1
76
Originally posted by: Gulzakar
yeah.

I realized it wasn't me as it was the situation.

she really is an awesome girl. part of me thinks that she really is confused right now...can't blame her, her life is taking a different turn. I'm not Mr. Fallout. I really don't have to listen to her problems. I do have a good time with her, but I think I might just end that...which is too bad, but I dont think I can handle it otherwise.

Crack cocaine is pretty good time too. So I hear. ;) Doesnt mean its a good idea to get involved with it.

Dont let her cloud your head. Dont let her become the forbidden fruit you want just because you cant have. Think this through. Youre "just friends". If she does end up your SO some way, are you going to be down to let her have the kind of friends that you are to her?

She sounds like she has some serious issues. I have dated girls with issues, and I swear if it was somehow possible to give a girl a full psychological evaluation before I go out with them without freaking them out I so would. Dating a girl with issues is just something that isnt worth the trouble. Some issues are worse than others, and I may be a certain type of guy, but she'd have been crossed off my list a long time ago. Just too many warning signs. Theres a million other girls out there (actually about 3 billion to be exact), you gave it your all, and maybe it was the wrong place, wrong time.

Dont play her game. You make the rules, because you have the option of walking away. Just like when you go to buy a car, no matter how badass it may be, youve got to stick to your guns if the dealer is playing hardball. If she really wants to "make the sale", she'll come back to you. If not, clean your hands of it, and go find a better one.

Youll know youve found the right girl when you dont have to deal with crap like this, not when shes just a good time.

 

brigden

Diamond Member
Dec 22, 2002
8,702
2
81
Listen, three years ago I met a chick at work and it was immediately obvious that she was into me. She was really cool, very outgoing, etc.. We flirted a bit, and started hanging out, watching movies, cuddling, that kind of crap. We did this for a while, but I could see she was starting to fall for me and I was scared off. I didn't want to get involved with someone I wasn't totally into.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I ran into her nearly a year later. I was blown away by how she had changed, we hooked up, she dumped her then asshole BF, and we've been together for two years. All is well!
 

Gulzakar

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
3,074
0
0
yeah, she just texted me telling me, in a nutshell "it's a long day, I need a drink, how s your day?". more or less.

I dont bother initiating anymore. but then again, Im not going to totally write everything off. I dont exactly have a full plate...so I can basically hang in there if someone else comes along...at 25 it's hard to meet women. It's not like back in school. :)

I suppose the nice part is that since it keeps going back and forth, I'm getting thicker skinned.
 

Kaiser__Sose

Golden Member
Oct 14, 1999
1,660
0
0
Originally posted by: BD2003
Originally posted by: Gulzakar
If you refuse it, not because you dont want it at all, but because you dont want it on those terms, she will most likely want it even worse. That alone will set you apart from every other dork out there. If you dont want to be friends with benefits, dont allow it to happen. Having sex early with a girl is not the way to get her to be your girlfriend.

who wants a girlfriend anyway?? lol.. in the situation this cat is in it's already too late for girlfriend ish.. truss...
 

Kaiser__Sose

Golden Member
Oct 14, 1999
1,660
0
0
Originally posted by: BD2003
Originally posted by: Gulzakar

The vast majority of people on this board are

1) Sex starved nerds who are so frustrated that theyd have sex with anything, and have no foresight, and no idea what theyre talking about.
2) 15-19 year old hormonal beserkers who honestly couldnt think about anything else if they tried.
3) Pussies.

does this include you?
 

Kaiser__Sose

Golden Member
Oct 14, 1999
1,660
0
0
Originally posted by: BD2003


If her bf was a dick, nows your chance to prove that youre not a dick, that youre not all just about getting some. Show her that, and she WILL want you. The reason she doesnt want to date is because there are guys out there like that. She wont pass up a good opportunity if she sees it. Right now, shes not convinced.

obviously you don't have too much experience with females.. you can NEVER know what she WILL do.. EVER..

truss
 

AutumnRayne

Member
Sep 3, 2003
94
0
0
After reading your story I decided to offer you some advice from a woman's perspective. About 5 years ago I was in a situation similar to your own. I had this guy friend (we'll call "Brian"). He was a good friend, very easy to talk to and be around. We used to spend our evenings together cuddling in bed, watching movies, talking and flirting. One day he confessed his desire to have our relatonship move beyond simply being friends. I freaked out and we didn't talk for about a week. Then I called him and said that I thought of him as a friend, nothing more, but that I didn't want to lose his friendship. We would slowly work ourselves back into our comfortable and cozy evenings in bed. This cycle repeated for several months. Finally it dawned on me that I cared about him so much that I was afraid if we took our friendship to another level and it didn't work out that I would lose a great friend. I also realized that the relationship rollercoaster we were on was headed nowhere but the end of our friendship anyway. So I went for it, and I am glad I did. This October we will have been married for three years. I regret nothing.

Remember women change their minds more often than the ocean changes its tides. Even when we think we have made our absolute final decision, we'll surprise you and change it again. If you really care for this girl and think that the two of you could possibly have a relationship, then don't give up yet. However, be careful and do not let yourself become her doormat or backup, you deserve better than that. If you see that she keeps toying with you than you need to realize when to cut her loose.

Best of Luck :)
 

spidey07

No Lifer
Aug 4, 2000
65,469
5
76
BD2003,

let me know when you find a woman without "issues", they don't exist. :)

Sometimes it takes years before the "issues" arise.
 

Gulzakar

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
3,074
0
0
thank you very much :)

We went out on friday, she stayed over, nothing happened, just a nice evening...

i decided to apply a little logic to an illogical situation:

1)5 year relationship ended 7 months ago
2)first time in her 20's she is not with someone
3)going to grad school next semester, not sure where

I'd be freaked out too. I talked to her on the phone for an hour and a half last night...about all kinds of things, fun talk... and much like autumn stated, I learned that it is best to take things women say with a grain of salt. Anytime someone becomes freaked out they put up this guard...

so this mean things will work out? who knows...does it mean I should give up? who knows...but you don't really get anywhere without putting your butt onthe line from time to time...on the plus side I've lost 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks from anxiety...if I can't have the women, at least my pants are getting looser. :)

Some say she might be using me...I've come to the conclusion this is not true, why? she isn't like that... thats allI can say. Wish me luck, I'll leave the topic alone. It's too soon to be worrying, I can only play it by ear.
 

Night201

Diamond Member
Apr 23, 2001
3,697
0
76
Play it by ear and don't give up. If it's still a situation thing, then she'll appreciate your company during this time and you might end up together (maybe in a month, maybe in a few more months). You are still young (I am 25 as well and have been with my GF for 5 years as well). Play it out, you have nothing to lose, but a girl that you really seem to like and who you think you can see yourself with. I'd risk a few months off my life to have the opportunity to win her heart. Good luck and keep us updated.

Good thread!
 

BD2003

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
16,815
1
76
Sorry, but Im not a pussy, sex starved nerd, or idiot who cant keep his dick in his pants. And no one will ever have 100% certainty over what the other person will do in a situation, but you have as much control over the situation as they do. But once you start thinking about how they can do anything at anytime, you lose sight of this, and go from being active to passive. If they were good for each other, and she knew he wasnt want a dick, she would, and will want him, if not now, then later. Because I can pretty much guarantee you when gulzakar finds a different female "friend" to start hanging out with, that this one is all of a sudden going to get a little territorial. Her emergency dick in the box is being threatened.

Hehe and believe me, I know ALL girls have issues. Everyone has some sort of issues. But some girls have ISSUES. The type that wear them for the world to see. Those girls, you know them when they see them. Everyone knows a hot girl that thinks shes ugly. Everyone knows a nice girl that keeps getting with bad guys. I could go on and on. When you meet one of these girls, the best thing to do is run the other way.

Anyway, all I know is that every time I went the "friends first" route with a girl, it got me nowhere. It got me blue balls, maybe, but not much more.
 

Gulzakar

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
3,074
0
0
true...experience is a great lesson, but sometimes you have to stick your neck out to get somewhere. It may workout or I may get hurt...

maybe I will find someone else that I enjoy being around just as much. who knows? at 25 my options are quite limited in how I meet people...school is over, friends are all coupled up.

I have been speaking with her on the phone every night now, usually an hour to 1.5 hours or so... I actually enjoy talking to her, good conversation, laughter, happiness...when I go places with other people I start missing the good conversations I have with this girl... sex isn't my primary goal...not that it isn't a goal, it's just not first on my mind.

In one instance she speaks of me as a friend, in another there is a hint of something more. I try not to read into it. I simply go.

As it stands my optinons are to either run far away(which I ponder quite often), or stick around...just a lesson about me, Zach, I always run away...I don't think I've ever really stuck something out...which is bad. Because I enjoy her company THAT much, I will stick around...if there is another guy, I may fade away, I may be able to ball it up like a man...more than likely I will fade away...as most people know, having opposite sex friends when someone is "seeing" someone else is nearly impossible. That is my only reservation about having women as friends...
 

Kaiser__Sose

Golden Member
Oct 14, 1999
1,660
0
0
Originally posted by: Gulzakar
at 25 my options are quite limited in how I meet people...school is over, friends are all coupled up.

Far from true.. do you go out?? have a social life??? play a sport??? clubbin??? lounges??? the gym??? it's not that hard to meet people. and 25 is still relativly young.

..as most people know, having opposite sex friends when someone is "seeing" someone else is nearly impossible. That is my only reservation about having women as friends...

is is also VERY far from true.. i have many female friends..and those gyals have never gotten in the way of any of my relationships.
 

Gulzakar

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
3,074
0
0
actuve social life, yes. I go to clubs, bars, gym, outings, and so forth...just don't meet any people aside from "cool friend".
 

dolph

Diamond Member
Jan 18, 2001
3,981
0
0
you do understand that if anyone on this board offers advice that turns out to be right it'll pure coincidence, right? only you know exactly what's going on. if you think the risk of losing her is worth gaining her as a girlfriend, i say try kissing her one more time. if it works, great. if not, oh well. there are lots of other girls out there.
 

tallest1

Diamond Member
Jul 11, 2001
3,474
0
0
I think she's trying to keep you as a backup and make you her cuddle b*tch again. She leads you on and leaves you in the cold. She teases you when shes feeling feisty and acts like nothing happened the next day. Frankly, I think she's using you for the extra attention. I expect she'll have you pampering her and buying her stuff in a month or so

Edit Whoops! I didn't mean to resurrect a dead thread. Sorry!