wife wants a seperation

[sixone]

I know it's already been posted, but DON'T move out. If it comes to divorce, her lawyer WILL use it against you.

 

[dmcowen674]

Originally posted by: sixone
I know it's already been posted, but DON'T move out.

If it comes to divorce, her lawyer WILL use it against you.

Exactly, they call it "abandonment".

 

[Golgatha]

Disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer, I've never been divorced, I personally love my wife and two kids, I grew up with a weekend dad and I don't want to be one myself, and I believe divorce is an absolute last resort. However, my father is on his 4th marriage and I've been involved enough in his life, and he in mine, to know what to do in case of a divorce scenario. Once papers have been served, it's time to dig in and hopefully you have a plan ready to enact.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: joecool
i've been married for almost 13 years. in my opinion and recollection there have been a lot of good times. however, for the last few years things haven't been so great. i've got issues and have also been diagnosed as bi-polar. my wife has her own issues and hasn't always been so nice. we have had couples therapy and individual therapy. i'm on meds for the bipolar. i think i am getting better, if slowly, but she seems to have checked out. she keeps saying she has nothing left to give. now she has decided we need a seperation. i think if i move out, it's all over. she'll be happy to be rid of me and won't have any incentive to let me back in, and try to pull things back together. if i do move out and move back in, every time something goes wrong, she'll pull out the "it was better when you were gone" card, and eventually decide i need to move out again, permenantly. to complicate matters, we have two grade-school age boys, and i fear that if i move out i will loose the relationship i have with them. finally, i feel it is very unfair that i should be asked/expected to move out a home that is 50% me - my stuff, my work, my money. it seems to me that guys really get shafted here - they have to leave, while the wife gets the house, the stuff, the kids, and the money. why will the kids want to hang with me, in a dump, when they can be in their home, with their stuff? it seems to me if she really wants a seperation, she should be the one to leave. bottom line tho is, i think this will inevitably lead to divorce if i agree to it, and i really wish i could get her to see another path, and keep working on things. i guess there's no point here, except that i'm in about as bad a place as i've ever been, and sadly this is about the only place i have to vent/share/whatever.

cliffs:
- married ~12.5 years
- many good times, but lately more bad than good
- wife wants me to move out, temporarily
- i think if i move out, it's all over
- if i move out, i'm f***ed - loose my home, my kids, my money, etc
- btw, guys are screwed when it comes to seperation/divorce - we have to leave everything behind, including kids, but keep shoveling $ to the ex to support their good life.

It might be helpful if you were to give us some more details about the course of your bipolar illness and the behaviors associated with it before we decide to just stone your wife to death here.

 

[KarmaPolice]

Thats really messed up how the wife gets the kids by default, and the house, and everything else.

What if a guy is a stay at home dad or the person who makes a much smaller income then the mother...does he still have to give her the house, the kids, 1/2 retirment, and everything else? Does the mother have to give anything ever?

Why justifies the legal system being so one sided on this issue.

same thing with alcohol and sex. Boy A gets drunk..Girl B gets drunk. Both are horny and do the deed both agreeing in their drunken stupor. Girl B regrets it and can all rape. Lame....

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: KarmaPolice
Thats really messed up how the wife gets the kids by default, and the house, and everything else.

What if a guy is a stay at home dad or the person who makes a much smaller income then the mother...does he still have to give her the house, the kids, 1/2 retirment, and everything else? Does the mother have to give anything ever?

Why justifies the legal system being so one sided on this issue.

I'm pretty sure it's your perception that's one-sided. When the parents can't reach an agreement that's at least acceptable to both, it's the judge's job to make the final decision. When judges are perfect, every single one of them, then we'll have a perfect system.

 

[joecool]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

It might be helpful if you were to give us some more details about the course of your bipolar illness and the behaviors associated with it before we decide to just stone your wife to death here.

geekbabe, see my post a few up. while there have been a few nasty-ish comments, i don't think there is any stoning going on. the truth is, when it comes to divorce, the cards are heavily stacked against us males, we almost invariably get screwed, and for me personally it's nice to know there are guys out there who understand and sympathize with the bad position i'm in.

btw, my bipolar is def. towards the "light" end of the spectrum, which is not to say it isn't serious, but i don't through the extremes depicted on tv and in film. mostly i suffer from pretty bad depression, with little of the highs associated with mania. the main manic symptom i seem to have is the anger, as noted in my previous post, and as i said, the anger has never come to throwning things or getting physically violent - tho i know i can get unreasonable and probably kind of scary. however, i have been working on this and i think i'm getting better - less yelling, much less cussing, less/no name-calling, and i try to leave the situation to cool down rather than going nutso.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: KarmaPolice
Thats really messed up how the wife gets the kids by default, and the house, and everything else.

What if a guy is a stay at home dad or the person who makes a much smaller income then the mother...does he still have to give her the house, the kids, 1/2 retirment, and everything else? Does the mother have to give anything ever?

Why justifies the legal system being so one sided on this issue.

I'm pretty sure it's your perception that's one-sided. When the parents can't reach an agreement that's at least acceptable to both, it's the judge's job to make the final decision. When judges are perfect, every single one of them, then we'll have a perfect system.

a good settlement is one when BOTH parties come away feeling they didn't win.

 

[joecool]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
a good settlement is one when BOTH parties come away feeling they didn't win.

actually, perhaps foolishly, if it does come to divorce, i still hold out hope that we can come to an arrangement where everybody wins. if i was to receive 50% custody of my kids, and a fair, 50/50 split of assets (including the house), and alimony that didn't leave me in the poor house, i would feel ok about it.

 

[JJWalker]

but the rum deal is, when i get home, i'm expected to keep right on working doing house work. so, i work all day, then when i get home i'm supposed to work more, so she can go to lunch/tea/excersize with friends, watch tv, etc etc etc. i think that's bullshit.

That is bullshit!

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: joecool

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

It might be helpful if you were to give us some more details about the course of your bipolar illness and the behaviors associated with it before we decide to just stone your wife to death here.

geekbabe, see my post a few up. while there have been a few nasty-ish comments, i don't think there is any stoning going on. the truth is, when it comes to divorce, the cards are heavily stacked against us males, we almost invariably get screwed, and for me personally it's nice to know there are guys out there who understand and sympathize with the bad position i'm in.

btw, my bipolar is def. towards the "light" end of the spectrum, which is not to say it isn't serious, but i don't through the extremes depicted on tv and in film. mostly i suffer from pretty bad depression, with little of the highs associated with mania. the main manic symptom i seem to have is the anger, as noted in my previous post, and as i said, the anger has never come to throwning things or getting physically violent - tho i know i can get unreasonable and probably kind of scary. however, i have been working on this and i think i'm getting better - less yelling, much less cussing, less/no name-calling, and i try to leave the situation to cool down rather than going nutso.

You aren't going to like my response here... you admit to screaming fits and jealous rages
and behaving in a scary manner.. yo've got a wife who's not saying she hates you but rather that she doesn't feel she has anything left to give.

I gently suggest that you consider the possibilty that you're minimizing the serious nature of your illness and it's impact your family.I'd discuss this with my doctor/therapist
first.She could really be afraid that you're going to stop your meds,many bipolar folks do.

 

[Motek]

Also I think you may want to get yours and hers parents involved before going to all the legal stuff.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: joecool

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
a good settlement is one when BOTH parties come away feeling they didn't win.

actually, perhaps foolishly, if it does come to divorce, i still hold out hope that we can come to an arrangement where everybody wins. if i was to receive 50% custody of my kids, and a fair, 50/50 split of assets (including the house), and alimony that didn't leave me in the poor house, i would feel ok about it.

Then you'd better do everything you can to protect yourself. Get a lawyer ASAP, and find out how best to make sure that you don't trip up.

 

[joecool]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

You aren't going to like my response here... you admit to screaming fits and jealous rages
and behaving in a scary manner.. yo've got a wife who's not saying she hates you but rather that she doesn't feel she has anything left to give.

I gently suggest that you consider the possibilty that you're minimizing the serious nature of your illness and it's impact your family.I'd discuss this with my doctor/therapist
first.She could really be afraid that you're going to stop your meds,many bipolar folks do.

well, i'm trying to be honest here and find a solution. it's a little of an exaggeration to say i have screaming fits, more like, in an arguement, if my anger gets ratcheted up, at some point i will start yelling out of frustration to get my point across. but i have been told i'm scary at that point, and i'll believe that.
as far as talking to my therapist and psychiatrist, of course i'm doing that. and as far as the meds go, i've actually asked her many times to help me remember them, but she's refused to do so. that's particularly frustrating as it feels like she doesn't fully appreciate the nature of the illness and it's sometimes perverse consequences.

 

[OVerLoRDI]

Originally posted by: SparkyJJO
If she wants out, she should go and not take the house/money/kids from you. Why should you get shafted?

I think though that you should both seek some counseling. Divorce isn't a good thing really, and is hard on the kids.

So true. I am a child of divorced parents. Through junior high and most of high school I thought it didn't really affect me. Especially this last year I now see that it really has screwed up my ability to have healthy relationships. Different children will react differently but usually it goes one of two ways. 1. Your child will be afraid of commitment or getting attached to anyone, a result of them feeling abandoned by parent X. 2. Your child will be shaken by the lack of a stable family and search for security and stability elsewhere, most commonly in the form of a significant other, this is especially bad for girls (my sister). #2 is where I rest as well, I tend to get attached for girls way too fast and won't get out of a bad relationship as quickly as I should.

I cannot stress this enough.. IF you get a divorce make sure you put a lot of effort into maintaining your relationship with your sons. Young men REALLY need a male role model, to learn how to deal with women, deal with anger, and deal with growing up, and there is no substitute for their natural father.

It is in your best interests to NOT get involved with another woman shortly afterwards (give it a few years). Focus on your relationship with your children if you have a strong relationship with your children first you can then think about getting involved with another woman. If you want any other advice from a child of a divorced family PM me.

 

[Estrella]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: joecool

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

It might be helpful if you were to give us some more details about the course of your bipolar illness and the behaviors associated with it before we decide to just stone your wife to death here.

geekbabe, see my post a few up. while there have been a few nasty-ish comments, i don't think there is any stoning going on. the truth is, when it comes to divorce, the cards are heavily stacked against us males, we almost invariably get screwed, and for me personally it's nice to know there are guys out there who understand and sympathize with the bad position i'm in.

btw, my bipolar is def. towards the "light" end of the spectrum, which is not to say it isn't serious, but i don't through the extremes depicted on tv and in film. mostly i suffer from pretty bad depression, with little of the highs associated with mania. the main manic symptom i seem to have is the anger, as noted in my previous post, and as i said, the anger has never come to throwning things or getting physically violent - tho i know i can get unreasonable and probably kind of scary. however, i have been working on this and i think i'm getting better - less yelling, much less cussing, less/no name-calling, and i try to leave the situation to cool down rather than going nutso.

You aren't going to like my response here... you admit to screaming fits and jealous rages
and behaving in a scary manner.. yo've got a wife who's not saying she hates you but rather that she doesn't feel she has anything left to give.

I gently suggest that you consider the possibilty that you're minimizing the serious nature of your illness and it's impact your family.I'd discuss this with my doctor/therapist
first.She could really be afraid that you're going to stop your meds,many bipolar folks do.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.

 

[50cent1228]

Originally posted by: mwmorph
I feel for you. No advice but thats gotta suck.

 

[lokiju]

Don't move out until everything is final!

If she wants to be away from you so damn bad then tell her to move out, but if you own that house and want to keep it that way or at the least get half of what it's worth, then don't leave or you'll have one hell of a time ever getting anything out of it.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: joecool
well, i'm trying to be honest here and find a solution. it's a little of an exaggeration to say i have screaming fits, more like, in an arguement, if my anger gets ratcheted up, at some point i will start yelling out of frustration to get my point across. but i have been told i'm scary at that point, and i'll believe that.
as far as talking to my therapist and psychiatrist, of course i'm doing that. and as far as the meds go, i've actually asked her many times to help me remember them, but she's refused to do so. that's particularly frustrating as it feels like she doesn't fully appreciate the nature of the illness and it's sometimes perverse consequences.

Don't let your guilt and your desire to make the best of things cause you to put your kids or yourself at risk.

 

[MmmSkyscraper]

Originally posted by: joecool
and as far as the meds go, i've actually asked her many times to help me remember them, but she's refused to do so. that's particularly frustrating as it feels like she doesn't fully appreciate the nature of the illness and it's sometimes perverse consequences.

WTF?!?!

 

[Skunkwourk]

Originally posted by: MmmSkyscraper

Originally posted by: joecool
and as far as the meds go, i've actually asked her many times to help me remember them, but she's refused to do so. that's particularly frustrating as it feels like she doesn't fully appreciate the nature of the illness and it's sometimes perverse consequences.

WTF?!?!

Going back to her saying she has nothing left to give, perhaps she views reminding you to take your meds as having to "watch over" or "take care of you", something she states she doesn't have the will or energy to do. Regardless, Im really sorry, but it sounds like she's already given up.

 

[NesuD]

Do not move out. Courts view that as abandoning the marital home and you are automatically screwed when that happens. If she wants to separate just point at the door and tell to separate all she wants.

 

[chambersc]

Originally posted by: joecool
i've been married for almost 13 years. in my opinion and recollection there have been a lot of good times. however, for the last few years things haven't been so great. i've got issues and have also been diagnosed as bi-polar. my wife has her own issues and hasn't always been so nice. we have had couples therapy and individual therapy. i'm on meds for the bipolar. i think i am getting better, if slowly, but she seems to have checked out. she keeps saying she has nothing left to give. now she has decided we need a seperation. i think if i move out, it's all over. she'll be happy to be rid of me and won't have any incentive to let me back in, and try to pull things back together. if i do move out and move back in, every time something goes wrong, she'll pull out the "it was better when you were gone" card, and eventually decide i need to move out again, permenantly. to complicate matters, we have two grade-school age boys, and i fear that if i move out i will loose the relationship i have with them. finally, i feel it is very unfair that i should be asked/expected to move out a home that is 50% me - my stuff, my work, my money. it seems to me that guys really get shafted here - they have to leave, while the wife gets the house, the stuff, the kids, and the money. why will the kids want to hang with me, in a dump, when they can be in their home, with their stuff? it seems to me if she really wants a seperation, she should be the one to leave. bottom line tho is, i think this will inevitably lead to divorce if i agree to it, and i really wish i could get her to see another path, and keep working on things. i guess there's no point here, except that i'm in about as bad a place as i've ever been, and sadly this is about the only place i have to vent/share/whatever.

cliffs:
- married ~12.5 years
- many good times, but lately more bad than good
- wife wants me to move out, temporarily
- i think if i move out, it's all over
- if i move out, i'm f***ed - loose my home, my kids, my money, etc
- btw, guys are screwed when it comes to seperation/divorce - we have to leave everything behind, including kids, but keep shoveling $ to the ex to support their good life.

i agree.

 

[loic2003]

Originally posted by: chambersc

Originally posted by: joecool
i've been married for almost 13 years. in my opinion and recollection there have been a lot of good times. however, for the last few years things haven't been so great. i've got issues and have also been diagnosed as bi-polar. my wife has her own issues and hasn't always been so nice. we have had couples therapy and individual therapy. i'm on meds for the bipolar. i think i am getting better, if slowly, but she seems to have checked out. she keeps saying she has nothing left to give. now she has decided we need a seperation. i think if i move out, it's all over. she'll be happy to be rid of me and won't have any incentive to let me back in, and try to pull things back together. if i do move out and move back in, every time something goes wrong, she'll pull out the "it was better when you were gone" card, and eventually decide i need to move out again, permenantly. to complicate matters, we have two grade-school age boys, and i fear that if i move out i will loose the relationship i have with them. finally, i feel it is very unfair that i should be asked/expected to move out a home that is 50% me - my stuff, my work, my money. it seems to me that guys really get shafted here - they have to leave, while the wife gets the house, the stuff, the kids, and the money. why will the kids want to hang with me, in a dump, when they can be in their home, with their stuff? it seems to me if she really wants a seperation, she should be the one to leave. bottom line tho is, i think this will inevitably lead to divorce if i agree to it, and i really wish i could get her to see another path, and keep working on things. i guess there's no point here, except that i'm in about as bad a place as i've ever been, and sadly this is about the only place i have to vent/share/whatever.

cliffs:
- married ~12.5 years
- many good times, but lately more bad than good
- wife wants me to move out, temporarily
- i think if i move out, it's all over
- if i move out, i'm f***ed - loose my home, my kids, my money, etc
- btw, guys are screwed when it comes to seperation/divorce - we have to leave everything behind, including kids, but keep shoveling $ to the ex to support their good life.

i agree.

dude, it's not 50:50 if you're the only one who has contributed to the cost of the house. You paid for it, you stay right in there with your kids. She can GTF out of there if she pleases, but absolutely do not more out. It's your property, and she's the one who wants to split up. Let her leave if she wants to. Do remember that noone plays more dirty than women. As the above poster said, get a PI and gather every piece of ammo you can get.

Good luck, and please let us know how it goes on.

 

[RKS]

Originally posted by: loic2003

Originally posted by: chambersc

Originally posted by: joecool
i've been married for almost 13 years. in my opinion and recollection there have been a lot of good times. however, for the last few years things haven't been so great. i've got issues and have also been diagnosed as bi-polar. my wife has her own issues and hasn't always been so nice. we have had couples therapy and individual therapy. i'm on meds for the bipolar. i think i am getting better, if slowly, but she seems to have checked out. she keeps saying she has nothing left to give. now she has decided we need a seperation. i think if i move out, it's all over. she'll be happy to be rid of me and won't have any incentive to let me back in, and try to pull things back together. if i do move out and move back in, every time something goes wrong, she'll pull out the "it was better when you were gone" card, and eventually decide i need to move out again, permenantly. to complicate matters, we have two grade-school age boys, and i fear that if i move out i will loose the relationship i have with them. finally, i feel it is very unfair that i should be asked/expected to move out a home that is 50% me - my stuff, my work, my money. it seems to me that guys really get shafted here - they have to leave, while the wife gets the house, the stuff, the kids, and the money. why will the kids want to hang with me, in a dump, when they can be in their home, with their stuff? it seems to me if she really wants a seperation, she should be the one to leave. bottom line tho is, i think this will inevitably lead to divorce if i agree to it, and i really wish i could get her to see another path, and keep working on things. i guess there's no point here, except that i'm in about as bad a place as i've ever been, and sadly this is about the only place i have to vent/share/whatever.

cliffs:
- married ~12.5 years
- many good times, but lately more bad than good
- wife wants me to move out, temporarily
- i think if i move out, it's all over
- if i move out, i'm f***ed - loose my home, my kids, my money, etc
- btw, guys are screwed when it comes to seperation/divorce - we have to leave everything behind, including kids, but keep shoveling $ to the ex to support their good life.

i agree.

dude, it's not 50:50 if you're the only one who has contributed to the cost of the house. You paid for it, you stay right in there with your kids. She can GTF out of there if she pleases, but absolutely do not more out. It's your property, and she's the one who wants to split up. Let her leave if she wants to. Do remember that noone plays more dirty than women. As the above poster said, get a PI and gather every piece of ammo you can get.

Good luck, and please let us know how it goes on.

Do you still live at home?