The things my customers say...

[feralkid]

Inability to use language correctly is going to be the downfall of western civilization.

When the stranger you're talking to pulls out a gun and shoots you, or the goof in Nothh Korea nukes us, it will likely be caused by a language issue.

Irregardless, it begs the question and is literally unique and random for all intensive purposes.

 

[highland145]

lol

 

[Fardringle]

I worked for a few years on the help desk for a large, nationwide company. One day, one of the main business applications went offline due to a server hardware problem. There were LOTS of calls incoming complaining about the program even though there was an email notice sent out about it to everyone in the company, and the "welcome" message when calling the help desk specifically said that the system was down and to only stay on the line if calling about something else...

I spoke directly to the CEO of the company at one point when he called my direct line (I took care of most of his issues personally so he'd have a "dedicated tech") just to ask if I knew if there was an ETA on the system being back online.

Not long after that, somebody WAY down the chain of command called in screaming that we were ruining her life and were going to make her lose her job because this system was offline so she couldn't run a report that was due for a meeting in less than an hour (and that she knew she needed for two weeks before that but hadn't worked on yet) and that I absolutely had to fix it RIGHT NOW just for her or she would get me fired.

I laughed (to myself) and said, "Ma'am, if I could fix the problem just for you, I would have fixed it just for the CEO who called me about 15 minutes ago." She called her boss, his boss, HR, and a half dozen other people in management telling them to fire me immediately because I refused to help her. When my boss came to me asking what happened, I told him to listen to the call (all calls were recorded there). He did, came back to me laughing, and said that this lovely person was no longer working for the company. She apparently insisted all the way out the door that she lost her job only because of me. That was a good day.

 

[dank69]

"Is this couch stain resistant?"

"Yes ma'ma, it's been sodomized."

We think he confused Scotchguard with sanforized and then went down hill from there.

What? No. He was explaining he knows it is stain resistant because you can't even tell the couch has been sodomized.

 

[BurnItDwn]

It's just the southern accent.

 

[Darwin333]

What? No. He was explaining he knows it is stain resistant because you can't even tell the couch has been sodomized.

If it can take sodomy like a champ then it can damn sure handle some spilled beer without an issue.

 

[Ruptga]

They usually just leave after showing me where the stuff I'm working on is, but I still get a lot of banal commentary about the weather while I'm trying to work. "Yeah, about like you'd expect for (current month)" usually shuts down any variation on "sure is X out there, huh". I really like having employment where the job is the job, not indulging people.

 

[Ruptga]

Oh, oh, even better, when they go "Okay sweetie now can I talk to the technician?" Buddy, I am the technician, I've been elbow deep in computers since third grade in the early Clinton years, and you do not "sweetie" a six-foot woman in steel-toed boots.

And how did this not get a single omghi2u? I barely even recognize this place anymore.

 

[tynopik]

you do not "sweetie" a six-foot woman in steel-toed boots.

'what are you doing with your daddy's boots, cutie?'

 

[dave_the_nerd]

Oh, oh, even better, when they go "Okay sweetie now can I talk to the technician?" Buddy, I am the technician, I've been elbow deep in computers since third grade in the early Clinton years, and you do not "sweetie" a six-foot woman in steel-toed boots.

I bet I could earn "sweetie" privileges if given the chance.

 

[TennesseeTony]

A cousin worked for Lexmark Tech Support.

1.) My computer isn't working. I took it out of the box and nothing is happening. "Maam, is it plugged in?" "Uhm....."hangs up.
2.) My printer doesn't print yellow. Everything else is okay. After 45 minutes of trouble-shooting...."What color paper are you using?" "Oh." Hangs up.

 

[bigboxes]

They all do it though.

I've told more than one customer to be careful on where they surf. Their temp files and all that garbage that the malware scanners pick up says it all.

 

[highland145]

Customer and I are talking about Harvey. She's very well endowed and says, "I ain't scared of no hurricane. With these huge breastses I'll never drown."

Gotta love redneck women.

 

[BoomerD]

Customer and I are talking about Harvey. She's very well endowed and says, "I ain't scared of no hurricane. With these huge breastses I'll never drown."

Gotta love redneck women.

Mmmm...motorboatin!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0O0nzkESTI

 

[Svnla]

Customer and I are talking about Harvey. She's very well endowed and says, "I ain't scared of no hurricane. With these huge breastses I'll never drown."

Gotta love redneck women.

Come on now. You have been here long enough to know the rule of "pics or shen". Cough up buster.

I am asking for science, of course.

 

[Pulsar]

Come on now. You have been here long enough to know the rule of "pics or shen". Cough up buster.

I am asking for science, of course.

As an engineer, I find it necessary to confirm their buoyancy in the name of safety. Measurements will be necessary.

Oh.... and your sig is still childish.

 

[Thebobo]

I would rather have a bottle in front of me rather then a frontal lobotomy

 

[highland145]

Come on now. You have been here long enough to know the rule of "pics or shen". Cough up buster.

I am asking for science, of course.

 

[nakedfrog]

Get a load of those melons!

 

[Svnla]

As an engineer, I find it necessary to confirm their buoyancy in the name of safety. Measurements will be necessary.

Oh.... and your sig is still childish.

For an engineer (or so you claimed), you do whine and bitch about my sig a lot. The sig will stay, keep whining and bitching.

 

[urvile]

Back when I was working as a sys admin/desktop support for a small business I would quite often get complaints like "The internet is running slow" (seriously). So I would go into the server room for 5-10 minutes and surf some forums and typically the user would pop their head in and say it's working fine now. I would give them the thumbs up and think yep I just fixed the internet.....

 

[highland145]

Customer said that she had to have 2 torn cartridges in knee fixed. Sad.


Not the 1st time...charged off customer calls and wants me to lend them more $$. "I'll pay that back money if you make me another loan." WTH? People have some balls.

 

[Charmonium]

Back when I was working as a sys admin/desktop support for a small business I would quite often get complaints like "The internet is running slow" (seriously). So I would go into the server room for 5-10 minutes and surf some forums and typically the user would pop their head in and say it's working fine now. I would give them the thumbs up and think yep I just fixed the internet.....

I think I've probably used phrases like 'my internet is slow' but I still understood that meant there was an issue with the ISP or possibly my modem and/or router. Although you do sometimes have to wonder it people really believe it's the internet itself that is having issues.

 

[Darwin333]

Customer said that she had to have 2 torn cartridges in knee fixed. Sad.


Not the 1st time...charged off customer calls and wants me to lend them more $$. "I'll pay that back money if you make me another loan." WTH? People have some balls.

Hey, it's kinda like getting some poon. The worst that can happen is they tell you no but if you don't ask it definitely won't happen! That is pretty ballsy though "oh sure, you didn't pay me back the first time but since you said you'd pay me back this time let me go ahead and give you more money!"

 

[highland145]

"I don't like to count my business before they hatch."