The Last Words of Programmer, Bill Zeller.

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HAL9000

Lifer
Oct 17, 2010
22,027
3
76
i have little respect or sympathy for people who commit suicide. But i understand why someone in his position thought it was for the best (perhaps in this one it was for the best). sad story.

there is no reason to hate him or mock him. this is not about a 13 yr old kid who offed himself because his mom took away his PSP or his girlfriend dumped him.

This was the reason I posted it, I don't condone suicide, I don't respect people who commit it, it is a cop out. But I think it's important to understand why people can get to the point where they think it is the only option.
 

brandonb

Diamond Member
Oct 17, 2006
3,731
2
0
He lived in self pity, and destroyed/sabotaged his own life for 23 years to make sure he always stayed in that state. Then took his own life, again, to get pity. I'm not sure if he will find it, maybe he was expecting to be on the front of CNN with 2000 comments saying "Poor Bill." Sounds like that is what he was after, since he said he prefers to make it public after all. What a piece.
 

Blackjack200

Lifer
May 28, 2007
15,995
1,685
126
"You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. "

Early on he made an assumption that no doctor could help him even though he never once told a professional about what happened. IMO this sealed his fate.

A truly sad, sad story.

When he says "this" he's referring specifically to the rape. It was obviously something that he was ashamed of and he knew it wouldn't help to talk about it. It seems like he talked to the doctors about his other problems.
 

dmcowen674

No Lifer
Oct 13, 1999
54,894
46
91
www.alienbabeltech.com
Congratulations! You just set a record for the post that's been reported most. Post removed so that everyone knows that the moderators didn't ignore it. (but quotes left for posterity.) -Admin DrPizza
 
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HAL9000

Lifer
Oct 17, 2010
22,027
3
76
I feel an evil inside me.

An evil that makes me want to end life.

I need to stop this.

I need to make sure I don't kill someone.
===================================
Good riddance, one less piece of shit around :thumbsup:

The level of contempt and pity I feel for you cannot be expressed.
 

chalmers

Platinum Member
Mar 14, 2008
2,565
0
76
Terrible story and I feel sorry for what he went through, but I can't condone suicide in almost any situation.
 

daishi5

Golden Member
Feb 17, 2005
1,196
0
76
Oh but I do, and a lot closer to home than you think. That person still has some personal issues, but they take the time to find the good things in life now and has a lot worth living for - and does so.

Mr. Zeller easily identified what was wrong with his life and chose to see nothing but the darkness in it. He said so himself, and points out there were things in his life that should have brought him joy, but instead he chose to ignore them and let his life collapse. It's all spelled out in his missive. He himself admits to giving up because he didn't want to put the effort into life.

I think you are being too quick to judge, I keep thinking of different ways to discuss this, but I really just hate talking about it so I won't.
 

MarkXIX

Platinum Member
Jan 3, 2010
2,642
1
71
Sounds like he watched too much Dexter with all the talk of his "darkness" and stuff. Reminds me of Dexter and his "dark passenger" for some reason.
 

Perknose

Forum Director & Omnipotent Overlord
Forum Director
Oct 9, 1999
45,875
8,262
136
This is the internet, I'm not sure that this is believable at all, especially without proof of his death..

I would say this final letter is also poorly written. If he really wanted people to read the whole dame thing, he should have at least took some more time to organize it.

As others have shown, your doubts have been disproved.

As for you thinking this was poorly written just because it's longer than your water spaniel attention span can encompass, that's simply not so. It's quite well written and packs quite the emotional wallop.

You are doomed to live in the intellectual and emotional ghetto of your own personal Cliff Notes land. A walk through the ocean of your soul would scarcely get your feet wet.


I just wonder if he tried truly professional help with medication.

If he didn't, her certainly didn't try everything to help himself.

As the OP wrote and more than one poster pointed out before your post, he'd been to many medical professionals.

His key error was not having the courage to escape the prison of his own corrosive shame. He never revealed to any of them that he'd been repeatedly raped as a child. As he wrote, he was afraid that, despite the legal restrictions of the doctor/patient confidentiality clause, his "secret" would get out into the general populace.

The guy had severe trust issues. Gee, I wonder why.
 
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Perknose

Forum Director & Omnipotent Overlord
Forum Director
Oct 9, 1999
45,875
8,262
136
I feel an evil inside me.

An evil that makes me want to end life.

I need to stop this.

I need to make sure I don't kill someone.
===================================
Good riddance, one less piece of shit around :thumbsup:

The same has been said quite often about you. I'm beginning to get a deeper understanding of why.
 

IndyColtsFan

Lifer
Sep 22, 2007
33,656
687
126
I feel an evil inside me.

An evil that makes me want to end life.

I need to stop this.

I need to make sure I don't kill someone.
===================================
Good riddance, one less piece of shit around :thumbsup:

Reported. This was a sad, tormented individual and there is no need to act like this.
 

weflyhigh

Senior member
Jan 1, 2007
971
1
81
weflyhigh analysis of note:
this dude was EXTREMELY insecure and that is why he committed suicide. I also believe that he was not lying about being gay, but was so insecure about that, he recanted saying so in this letter. He is afraid of looking gay and afraid of looking weak for committing suicide.

Also, he easily could have gotten help and lived 60+ more years as a normal person if he has not been so insecure and gotten help.

Also also, he sounded really whiny in regards to his family. Ohhhh nooo you have to attend 7 hours a week of church? For free food and a roof over your head? The fact that he even had a computer to program on proves his life couldn't have been that bad. Lol.

Oh well, sorry bro enjoy death.
 

Scouzer

Lifer
Jun 3, 2001
10,359
6
0
I feel an evil inside me.

An evil that makes me want to end life.

I need to stop this.

I need to make sure I don't kill someone.
===================================
Good riddance, one less piece of shit around :thumbsup:

You are a piece of shit.
 

SagaLore

Elite Member
Dec 18, 2001
24,037
21
81
He identified the problem, but chose not to do anything about it. He resigned his life very early on. Aside from what happened to him early on in life, he is solely responsible for everything else that he caused himself. If you can take the time to analyze your life like that, suicide is just a cop out.

i have little respect or sympathy for people who commit suicide. But i understand why someone in his position thought it was for the best (perhaps in this one it was for the best). sad story.

there is no reason to hate him or mock him. this is not about a 13 yr old kid who offed himself because his mom took away his PSP or his girlfriend dumped him.

Emotional pain can be even more debilitating than physical pain, especially when it starts at the most important time of your development into a person and never stops. But yet we give more sympathy and respect to euthanizing old pets. I had a pretty crummy childhood - not abuse or molestation - but still a broken family, and that continues to mess me up even 30+ years later. This guy was molested AND had an abusive family in more ways than one. Based on what I just read, I feel bad he didn't have an opportunity to painlessly end his life sooner. The only other option would have been a LOT of drugs and hypnosis and most of the rest of his life to get over it, if ever.
 
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HeXen

Diamond Member
Dec 13, 2009
7,829
35
91
again, i didnt read the whole thing. but couldnt he still have persued legal actions against his rapist before deciding to take his own life? i mean it seems that some kind of revenge would definitly help. i would have at least taken him with me if i were to go that far.
 

SunnyD

Belgian Waffler
Jan 2, 2001
32,674
144
106
www.neftastic.com
Damn dawg, you figured out the answer to life.

+1 internet

+1 ethug

+1 straightballa

ACE!

Almost a pentakill!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to steal your thunder there big boy. Next time I'll leave the trolling to the experts... :rolleyes:

I think you are being too quick to judge, I keep thinking of different ways to discuss this, but I really just hate talking about it so I won't.

I lost a cousin to a mental disorder. I have other family members which deal with emotional trauma. The only thing that can be said is each individual's circumstances are different. Most people with mental issues don't discuss it, and those are the people that you simply cannot judge. This particular person took the time to describe in painstaking detail what transpired through their life. His ending his own life, in his own words, was a cop out. I agree, it's a tragic thing, but this particular individual's taking his own life was meaningless.
 
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SagaLore

Elite Member
Dec 18, 2001
24,037
21
81
again, i didnt read the whole thing. but couldnt he still have persued legal actions against his rapist before deciding to take his own life? i mean it seems that some kind of revenge would definitly help. i would have at least taken him with me if i were to go that far.

Most rape victims don't.
 

Molondo

Platinum Member
Sep 6, 2005
2,529
1
0
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to steal your thunder there big boy. Next time I'll leave the trolling to the experts... :rolleyes:

Where is that post of you bitching and whining about having a bad day, boohoo, having to play mom, lmao.
 

gimmewhitecastles

Golden Member
Mar 2, 2005
1,834
0
0
sad story.

this guy was conditioned to believe he was a piece of shit through his experiences and by his family. it's certainly easy for that to become his reality.

i really scoff at the posters here that think he could have easily turned his life around like a flip of a switch.
 

BudAshes

Lifer
Jul 20, 2003
13,900
3,157
146
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to steal your thunder there big boy. Next time I'll leave the trolling to the experts... :rolleyes:



I lost a cousin to a mental disorder. I have other family members which deal with emotional trauma. The only thing that can be said is each individual's circumstances are different. Most people with mental issues don't discuss it, and those are the people that you simply cannot judge. This particular person took the time to describe in painstaking detail what transpired through their life. His ending his own life, in his own words, was a cop out. I agree, it's a tragic thing, but this particular individual's taking his own life was meaningless.

Meaningless? What meaning is there when you live a life of horror? Death was his only consolation. Vengeance would have been my first order, but even if he had murdered his nightmare I doubt he would have found any refuge.

The fact that he didn't become a meth head robbing convenience stores knocking up underage girls is a testament to his own fortitude and strength. Taking his own life was a noble thing in my opinion.
 

alkemyst

No Lifer
Feb 13, 2001
83,967
18
81
The whole 'suicide' is the weak way out is only sometimes true. Mostly it's said by those that are really the weak ones.

This guy, at least on paper, seems like he attacked his albatros throughout life as systematically as he programmed. Each time he came to realize he was damaged to much for himself to enjoy life.

He found ways to hang on...chemicals, however; he didn't like the way it made him feel about himself either.

Personally our lives are the only thing that's really ours, what we do with them and the penalities should be ours to bear alone.
 

Gooberlx2

Lifer
May 4, 2001
15,381
6
91
That's really a sad story. It's true his misery and lack of trust in people was all self-fulfilling if he couldn't bring himself to discuss the actual root of his problems with loved ones or experts. His interpretations of his life experiences didn't exactly lend themselves well to seeking help for his trauma.

Also, he was pretty young to be going through all that by himself. He clearly didn't have a family he felt he could confide or seek refuge in. And I'd be hard pressed to trust the vast majority of peers in highschool or early college either.

Rape definitely does change a person, and sometimes defines them and how they interact with people and move through life. Thankfully, I don't know anyone who's committed suicide, but I have close relationships with some victims of rape and abuse. Some people just cope with it differently.

I can't fathom his experiences but I can imagine that if I felt I was forcibly "acting" every interaction in my life, while constantly suffering inside my own head, that at some point you just get exhausted. You get tired of fighting and you want relief.
 
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OBLAMA2009

Diamond Member
Apr 17, 2008
6,574
3
0
its better he did this than go out and ah heck kids himself or become a serial killer
 

Brovane

Diamond Member
Dec 18, 2001
5,104
1,243
136
I really feel for the programmer and his pain. My wife was sexually abused by a family member, starting when she was 10 years old. She is in her 30's now and she still suffers the effects from that abuse. She has been going to therapy for years now and has made great progress, however she still have issues. It sounds like from reading the note that since he was still in school he was seeing therapists on campus. My wife also did this when she was in college and didn't make a whole lot of progress. Once we got married and she could see a regular therapist because we had insurance then she was able to make the progress that was needed. There was no of the flipping through papers wondering who you where with her therapist. One of the important things with my wife was finally being able to open up about what happened to her. It sounds like Mr. Zeller never opened up to anybody. I know that this can be very hard, just last year my wife finally told her younger sister what happened.

I am sorry to hear that Mr. Zeller finally made the ultimate decission to take his own life. Only in death could he finally tell some of his story. I can however in someway understand where the pain comes from because I have seen it in my wifes face.

May you rest in peace Bill Zeller and I hope that you have finally found the peace with yourself that eluded you in your life.