The Last Words of Programmer, Bill Zeller.

[ShadowOfMyself]

I don't think you know anyone that has been raped.

Edit: I don't mean that to sound rude, but it is almost like murder, the person that was there before the rape is gone and never comes back. I don't think I know anyone who went through anything like this guy did, and I just can't imagine what it does to them, but I doubt they could ever enjoy a normal life.

Meh, I agree with SunnyD here... I never had any traumatic childhood experiences, but living in the past is stupid regardless of what happened, unless it had serious consequences on your life (say, you had an accident and lost an arm, something like that)

In this case it really is just trauma, since he says he can live normally... How come he couldnt move on? But then again he said it himself:

"I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this."

Thats what it boils down to, he wasnt strong enough to overcome it, and this is the result

 

[darkewaffle]

I don't think you know anyone that has been raped.

Edit: I don't mean that to sound rude, but it is almost like murder, the person that was there before the rape is gone and never comes back. I don't think I know anyone who went through anything like this guy did, and I just can't imagine what it does to them, but I doubt they could ever enjoy a normal life.

I'm sure it's scarring, but as you say, why let it turn to 'murder'? Awful things happen, but he took something terrible and let it define him rather than fighting it. Shit sucks, but his efforts to help himself sound half-hearted at best. I don't know any personally, but I do know that other sexual victims have overcome their experiences with time and help to live normally.

 

[ultimatebob]

I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to write a suicide note, but if I did, I'd try to keep it under four paragraphs. That thing was just painful to read, in more ways than one.

Seriously, it was like reading the manifesto of serial killer, harping on and on and ON about the same problems ad nauseum. Hell... he probably could have three or four productive therapy sessions in the time he spent writing that post.

 

[highland145]

Let me challenge the "could have done better" crowd:

Identify one basic part of what makes you you and try to change it to the opposite for a week. I'm not talking about ridiculous crap like being neat or how you hold your fork.

For example:
If you are critical of others.
Angry/short tempered.
Your prejudices.
Loud/boisterous.
Shy.
Timid.
Glutton.

I believe you will find it difficult if not impossible to do because it's not "you." This guys formative years included molestation. His earliest memory.

 

[SunnyD]

I don't think you know anyone that has been raped.

Edit: I don't mean that to sound rude, but it is almost like murder, the person that was there before the rape is gone and never comes back. I don't think I know anyone who went through anything like this guy did, and I just can't imagine what it does to them, but I doubt they could ever enjoy a normal life.

Oh but I do, and a lot closer to home than you think. That person still has some personal issues, but they take the time to find the good things in life now and has a lot worth living for - and does so.

Mr. Zeller easily identified what was wrong with his life and chose to see nothing but the darkness in it. He said so himself, and points out there were things in his life that should have brought him joy, but instead he chose to ignore them and let his life collapse. It's all spelled out in his missive. He himself admits to giving up because he didn't want to put the effort into life.

 

[Stuxnet]

Meh, I agree with SunnyD here... I never had any traumatic childhood experiences, but living in the past is stupid regardless of what happened, unless it had serious consequences on your life (say, you had an accident and lost an arm, something like that)

In this case it really is just trauma, since he says he can live normally... How come he couldnt move on? But then again he said it himself:

"I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this."

Thats what it boils down to, he wasnt strong enough to overcome it, and this is the result

Which is why you're probably in no position at all to judge his actions.

 

[ultimatebob]

Let me challenge the "could have done better" crowd:

Identify one basic part of what makes you you and try to change it to the opposite for a week. I'm not talking about ridiculous crap like being neat or how you hold your fork.

For example:
If you are critical of others.
Angry/short tempered.
Your prejudices.
Loud/boisterous.
Shy.
Timid.
Glutton.

I believe you will find it difficult if not impossible to do because it's not "you." This guys formative years included molestation. His earliest memory.

Oddly enough, this actually sounds like a fun challenge to me. I might try being active and outgoing for a week, just to see what it's like.

 

[darkewaffle]

Let me challenge the "could have done better" crowd:

Identify one basic part of what makes you you and try to change it to the opposite for a week. I'm not talking about ridiculous crap like being neat or how you hold your fork.

For example:
If you are critical of others.
Angry/short tempered.
Your prejudices.
Loud/boisterous.
Shy.
Timid.
Glutton.

I believe you will find it difficult if not impossible to do because it's not "you." This guys formative years included molestation. His earliest memory.

I spent the first 20 years of my life in front of the tv or the computer screen eating junk. First year of college I decided to make a change and for the 3-4 years since then I've worked out regularly, eaten properly, and learned bookloads about how to do it right.

Overcoming yourself is merely difficult, far from impossible. Most people just have a severe rack of disciprine.

 

[Blackjack200]

Oh but I do, and a lot closer to home than you think. That person still has some personal issues, but they take the time to find the good things in life now and has a lot worth living for - and does so.

Mr. Zeller easily identified what was wrong with his life and chose to see nothing but the darkness in it. He said so himself, and points out there were things in his life that should have brought him joy, but instead he chose to ignore them and let his life collapse. It's all spelled out in his missive. He himself admits to giving up because he didn't want to put the effort into life.

Didn't want to put the effort into his life? The guy was a freaking graduate student at Princeton, clearly he could, and did put a tremendous amount of effort into his life.

Why do you think he had a choice in the darkness? I read the entire note and did not see anything that he could have done that he didn't try. Multiple times. He killed himself when he realized that there were no other solutions that hadn't already completely failed.

 

[PimpJuice]

I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to write a suicide note, but if I did, I'd try to keep it under four paragraphs. That thing was just painful to read, in more ways than one.

Seriously, it was like reading the manifesto of serial killer, harping on and on and ON about the same problems ad nauseum. Hell... he probably could have three or four productive therapy sessions in the time he spent writing that post.

Wow, way to shit on a guy pouring out his painful state of mind. I don't think he gave two flying fucks what you think you selfish piece of shit. It's not all about you.

 

[highland145]

I spent the first 20 years of my life in front of the tv or the computer screen eating junk. First year of college I decided to make a change and for the 3-4 years since then I've worked out regularly, eaten properly, and learned bookloads about how to do it right.

Overcoming yourself is merely difficult, far from impossible. Most people just have a severe rack of disciprine.

Are you Asian? Kidding.

Been there of the food/weight/exercise thing too. But I am still a glutton at heart.

Find something more basic.
What do you find funny, makes you sad.
Crowds.
Being alone.
What scares you deep inside.
Your insecurities, fix one.

 

[SunnyD]

Didn't want to put the effort into his life? The guy was a freaking graduate student at Princeton, clearly he could, and did put a tremendous amount of effort into his life.

Why do you think he had a choice in the darkness? I read the entire note and did not see anything that he could have done that he didn't try. Multiple times. He killed himself when he realized that there were no other solutions that hadn't already completely failed.

Most people can autopilot themselves through "existence". Life is a hell of a lot more than a piece of paper from an Ivy League school. Reread what he wrote about his LIFE, and it should be plainly obvious he didn't even try. Here's a quick example similar to what permiates his missive repeatedly:

I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship.

 

[NikolaeVarius]

Most people can autopilot themselves through "existence". Life is a hell of a lot more than a piece of paper from an Ivy League school. Reread what he wrote about his LIFE, and it should be plainly obvious he didn't even try. Here's a quick example similar to what permiates his missive repeatedly:

Did you even read what he wrote? He tried many many MANY times to get into a relationship, but they all broke down. His past trauma made it so that he even hated being touched. After many times, he realized that trauma would resurface very single time he tried to get into a relationship.



Contrary to what people say, I think he should have the choice as to whether or not to end his own life. He put a ton of thought into this, knew exactly the pain he was going to cause the few people he felt he could legitimatimatly trust, and after a lifetime of trying to deal with his trauma and pain, he felt that there was only one way out, because really, I'm not sure what options he could have pursued at that point.

 

[Blackjack200]

Most people can autopilot themselves through "existence". Life is a hell of a lot more than a piece of paper from an Ivy League school. Reread what he wrote about his LIFE, and it should be plainly obvious he didn't even try. Here's a quick example similar to what permiates his missive repeatedly:

My point is that you can't get into that kind of program with a tremendous amount of effort. Minimizing that accomplishment by calling it a "piece of paper from an Ivy League School" doesn't change that.

What, specifically, didn't he try?

to refresh:

I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy.

Sounds like he did tried like hell to get over his demons.

I don't really know what to think of your comments other than to guess that perhaps it's easier to construct a fantasy where everyone has the same access to a fulfilling life, and everyone can be happy if they try, than to acknowledge the reality that some people are born without a chance for that happiness, and will live their lives in pain until they die.

 

[darkewaffle]

Sounds like he did tried like hell to get over his demons.

Rather, he tried everything but. I'm sure his accomplishments didn't hurt, but writing software, climbing mountains, going to a gym, whatever you like didn't confront his more deep-seated issues, they distracted him from them. It's the same reason he said he turned to alcohol and drugs for so long.

He refused to speak to anyone about his 'darkness' out of fear of betrayal, admittedly it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy but he did everything but what could have helped most. He kept it hidden, let it fester, and essentially gave it permission to ruin his life.

 

[Blackjack200]

Rather, he tried everything but. I'm sure his accomplishments didn't hurt, but writing software, climbing mountains, going to a gym, whatever you like didn't confront his more deep-seated issues, they distracted him from them. It's the same reason he said he turned to alcohol and drugs for so long.

He refused to speak to anyone about his 'darkness' out of fear of betrayal, admittedly it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy but he did everything but what could have helped most. He kept it hidden, let it fester, and essentially gave it permission to ruin his life.

#1 How do you know that he didn't? He said in the letter that he talked to many doctors. #2 How do you know it would have accomplished anything?

 

[highland145]

#3 see post 36.

 

[alkemyst]

Most people can autopilot themselves through "existence". Life is a hell of a lot more than a piece of paper from an Ivy League school. Reread what he wrote about his LIFE, and it should be plainly obvious he didn't even try. Here's a quick example similar to what permiates his missive repeatedly:

Damn dawg, you figured out the answer to life.

+1 internet

+1 ethug

+1 straightballa

ACE!

Almost a pentakill!

 

[darkewaffle]

#1 How do you know that he didn't? He said in the letter that he talked to many doctors. #2 How do you know it would have accomplished anything?

I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons.

And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret.

A doctor can't fix your broken leg if you tell him you have a headache.

And of course I don't 'know' but psychiatrists, psychologists, focus groups, group therapy and numerous other practices exist for a reason. Human interaction, discussion, openness, trusting, compansionship can be incredibly healing.

 

[Platypus]

I think some of the replies in this thread are more depressing than the story itself.

 

[darkewaffle]

Are you Asian? Kidding.

Been there of the food/weight/exercise thing too. But I am still a glutton at heart.

Find something more basic.
What do you find funny, makes you sad.
Crowds.
Being alone.
What scares you deep inside.
Your insecurities, fix one.

Rack discripine is a south park reference

And becoming healthier addressed numerous insecurities.

And at some point you're really just arguing nature vs nurture. I think that the author hints at his belief that even if he hadn't been molested he still would have had problems, so on one hand you might consider the molestation as exacerbating whatever his underlying problems were, instead of the crux of the issue.

 

[FDF12389]

LOL ATOT can argue about anything, including the lifestyle/mentality of a dead rape victim.

 

[ultimatebob]

Damn dawg, you figured out the answer to life.

+1 internet

+1 ethug

+1 straightballa

ACE!

Almost a pentakill!

Wow. You're almost as annoying as TheFlyingPig. Almost, but not quite. Keep trying, though.

 

[TecHNooB]

I think some of the replies in this thread are more depressing than the story itself.

agreed

 

[gar3555]

#1 How do you know that he didn't? He said in the letter that he talked to many doctors. #2 How do you know it would have accomplished anything?

"You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. "

Early on he made an assumption that no doctor could help him even though he never once told a professional about what happened. IMO this sealed his fate.

A truly sad, sad story.