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The Last Words of Programmer, Bill Zeller.

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It is sad that he hurt so many through his brokenness.
I can't imagine thinking I was gay when I truly wasn't.
I don't get why he outed his parents, but not his molester.
 
between said:
what ever "hurt" he inflicted on others sounded pretty mild. Basically breaking up with girl friends, without telling them the real reason. It's not like he was out raping little children himself. He was being way to hard on himself - he really wasn't horrible or evil, he just saw himself that way.

as for thinking he was gay, being raped & sexually molested by a man from a young age, no doubt had a very confusing effect on how he saw himself.
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I have no doubt he was very confused, that's what mental illness does. The ability to think rationally doesn't exist, so they hurt people and themselves, it's very sad that he was so broken.
 
between said:
have you considered, you freaking pea brain, that the person he wanted to kill was the person who raped him?
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have you considered that he might have wanted to go beyond that?

he could have been experiencing the eff the world rage of others who snap, or do things like school shootings.
 
I guess that kind of helped me understand how my ex had to deal with her past. She was far superior at conveying intimacy & affection than me. And complained alot of times that no matter how much affection I gave, it never seemed enough... But other times she was distant and unconnected (insert better term here?) But she was fairly normal otherwise.
I know after she told me, she said she felt some relief of having told someone. The only person other than me, she told, ended up pulling that card on her during an argument, and that was the end of their friendship. She had seen several therapists over the years, but never told them about it.

As for his worrying about others' knowing. Not something you want people knowing outside of a few close friends, but it helps those understand the times of severe detachment and mood swings and such, that may happen during social interactions, and stuff.
 
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Soundmanred said:
I don't get why he outed his parents, but not his molester.
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He likely holds his parent accountable for allowing the molester into his life via their blind religious beliefs. i.e. he's probably a member of their church and they blindly allowed him access to their children and home just because he professes to be a Good Christian(TM)
 
dmcowen674 said:
Exactly, all these people condoning that he wanted to kill someone yet I'm the piece of shit.
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I don't think he wanted to kill anyone....but his disconnect between his psyche and his life around him was growing unbearably strong. It sounds like most of his life had become a sort of miserable "observership". He was afraid of snapping one day and lashing out at the wrong person/people.
 
Blackjack200 said:
He said he tried to go to many doctors, but they were no help.
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Says he never talked about it so no, not really.


SunnyD said:
He identified the problem, but chose not to do anything about it. He resigned his life very early on. Aside from what happened to him early on in life, he is solely responsible for everything else that he caused himself. If you can take the time to analyze your life like that, suicide is just a cop out.
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I agree. I can't imagine how hard it would be to keep all that bottled up for so long. I truly believe he could have benefitted from a therapist.


tcsenter said:
Go fuck yourself. If he can take the time to analyze his life like that, then he's doing everything that some fucking therapist could or would do for him, except he's doing it even more openly and honestly with himself than anyone who has experienced so much darkness could ever do with another.

The notion that the guy somehow was responsible for his own unrelenting pain that wouldn't ever leave and always came back no matter what...just go fuck yourself. He struggled with this every day for 20+ years. What the fuck have you ever done that required so much strength?
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I completely disagree. Just because you think about something traumatic doesn't mean you are doing the same thing a therapist would. Quite the opposite: you are probably focusing on all the wrong things.

BTW, I've struggled with both my parents dying before I was 20. Not exactly the same thing, but certainly fucks with your head. I went to group therapy and saw counselors 1 on 1. It helped immensely.
 
thepd7 said:
I completely disagree. Just because you think about something traumatic doesn't mean you are doing the same thing a therapist would. Quite the opposite: you are probably focusing on all the wrong things.
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And people off themselves all the time after seeing a therapist for years. It could have helped him, but by no means is it certain or even extremely likely that it would have.
 
I had to register to comment on this.

Recently my wife and I watched the documentary the bridge.
It’s basically a movie about the golden gate bridge and the people that jump off it.

One of the things that struck me in that movie and after reading Bills suicide note is one simple fact.
There are people in life some even walk among us that are in constant despair, of which there may not be any real relief.

We like to talk about getting help and available help, but I have come to accept that there are people in this world that are wired to feel the way that they do and that changing that in any real normal terms just isn’t possible.

Take a look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epigenetics, its quite possible that the trauma from the early molestations literally changed Bill’s brain Chemistry where he could literally find no real long term joy in life.

I hate to say it, its the world loss when a brilliant guy like Bill takes his own life, but sincerely get why he did it and am saddened that there are people out there who are not capable of enjoying what life has to offer and are in constant state of despair.

I think Bill did what was right for him and that’s the message I get from his note.

RIP
 
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