Should I Turn My Kid In ?

[Miramonti]

I'm sorry I'm not in a big reading mood but after only reading you're original post - don't turn your kid in, she won't understand. If it was a major offense or crime, then perhaps yes, it would scare her and benefit her, but this would be humiliating in front of her friend because it would confirm what she's already told them, that you are evil!! Well, don't most teenagers think that about their parents? If you turned her in, you'd have to do it anonymously - but a better alternative might be to make her study more, maybe help her with stuff too to show you're supportive and not against her. Thanks to your posts tho, I'm definitely not going to have children.

 

[NuclearFusi0n]

She shouldn't have been cheating in the first place. Don't restrict any of her things, just cut them out for times when YOU teach her the material she missed. Be sure to schedule these little teaching sessions during the times she'd usually be out with friends or something. Don't let up until she knows all the material.

Edit: DO NOT TELL THE SCHOOL!

 

[Mursilis]

Originally posted by: Skoorb
In very limited quantities cheating can be worth it - and no I don't care to give examples, but like lying nothing is black and white.

Nothing is black and white, huh? Okay, so someone decides to rape your wife and then beat her to death - I'd say that's morally wrong, but I'd like to hear how it might be right.

 

[crystal]

Originally posted by: db
Random thoughts in no particular order:

Sounds like so far you are raising her with a hands-off, we-don't-get-involved with eachother philosophy. If you aren't going to change that, then contact the school and see if they will "catch" her test without implicating you. That way she will get the consequences and maybe even have to take summer school.

If she already "hates" you, what does it matter what you do? Know that her "hating" you keeps you at arm's length from her, which keeps you out of "her" business.

If she's this way now, it will not get better, and probably worse. And not just school; I'm talking about your family dynamics. You might consider counciling, but I'm telling you upfront that any honest counciling will probably involve changes for ALL of you--that means you will have to deal with your own shortcomings or more likely misperceptions.

How about an activity that would be fun but would keep her busy? ie classes at the art museum; dancing classes; summer camp; etc. (She won't want to, but let her choose). You might also tell her that when school starts again, there is either a time limit on her phone, or it comes out of her room. And same with her computer. Of course kids want to play and not work--who doesn't? If you don't do something she will suffer the consequences later in life.

random thoughts that make sense.

You, Carbo, fail as a parent. Some questions you should ask, why did she cheats? Because she didn't learn the materials? Why didn't she learn the materials? Because she didn't do her homework & study. Why didn't she do her homework & study? and so on. When you find the true causes, ask what you could do to make the change. Sometime you have to change first before you can change others. ...BTW, you could take night class on math to tutor her, but that is a short term/stopgap solution...

 

[Martin]

Based on this and the earlier thread you started, I'd say you have some tough work ahead of you.

I'd restrict her TV, AIM and Phone time and hire a math (and science perhaps) tutor (if you're worried about cost, hire a competent first year student, or last year HS student, Perhaps someone you know?) that would teach her this past year's material, as well as some of next year's. Make the passing grade 75% and tell her that if she progresses and learns the stuff, she will gradually get more and more TV/AIM/Phone time back. That way she would have plenty of motivation to study.


But make sure the tutor is competent. Perhaps look over the first couple of lessons? One thing I've learned this year is that math can be easy and interesting if taugh properly. I got 94% in calculus and 95% in Algebra & Geometry with not much effort (these courses are first year university level), but I had VERY good teachers.



And btw, I'm not a parent.

 

[NuclearFusi0n]

Originally posted by: Mursilis

Originally posted by: Skoorb
In very limited quantities cheating can be worth it - and no I don't care to give examples, but like lying nothing is black and white.

Nothing is black and white, huh? Okay, so someone decides to rape your wife and then beat her to death - I'd say that's morally wrong, but I'd like to hear how it might be right.

what is she sodomized the man and killed his family before that? nothing is black and white

 

[Azraele]

On the other hand, if I blow the whistle and go to the school, she receives a serious smack upside the head and a rude awakening

Sounds like that's exactly what she needs.

 

[skace]

Wow Carbo, I should checked back here earlier, I would have liked to respond back before the argument began branching so much as it has.

First off, I agree exactly with what "kranky" had to say on a method of discipline. I think he laid it out perfectly. He referred back to what I mentioned about questioning her to make her think.

Second, I know you hate the idea that she wants to be a singer/actor but a lot of young girls dream about this. The best thing you can do, is take her up on it. Get her singing lessons, acting lessons, make her dream a reality and see if she has what it takes. If she wants to be a singer and you take her to singing lessons and she sucks (no offense of course), it may shed some reality in her world. She will realize that she can't rely on her singing, as she isn't very good at it. My parents did this with my sister, although they did it a little too late, it was still very affective. She realized all the work involved and all the changes she had to make, and gave up on it. This may backfire and she may be a damn good singer / actor... but just imagine how fast you can get her out of the house then .

Third, a lot of people suggest turning her in or reprimanding her very harshly. Think about the reality of this situation. You want her to realize that cheating is bad with the least ammount of permanent damage as possible - that should be your objective. Scarring her academic record and possibly her entire life may not be the best choice. Granted, it is still a choice and probably a good choice, but I wouldn't consider it the best choice. It is like choosing to run your head through a door because you found it was locked - sure you may break the door down, but how much damage have you done in the process? This is why I would urge you to consider Kranky's suggestion a lot more first. I especially like the part of his suggestion where you ask her what she thinks her punishment should be, because it gives YOU feedback on her thought process.

And, since this is junior high, it will get worse. My entire High School cheated, thats how it was. We were all given 7 hours of homework a night and, being the intelligent human beings we were, we realized the only intelligent solution was to split the homework up between people to cut up the man hours. I do not regret this at all, because it allowed me to live my life as well as go to school, 2 things I consider equally important. It also taught me some great teamwork skills.

 

[SagaLore]

Since it was just overheard, and there is so tangible evidence, what you should do is contact the teachers and have them keep an eye on her so she is either caught, or is forced into failing the test since she couldn't get the answers.

Confronting her directly is only going to create a wall between you two... going to make it harder to discipline... instead, kill her with love and kindness, next time she does really well on a test, reward her, hopefully her guilt meter will start to kick in. And then when the teacher is eyeing her like a hawk and she does poorly, punish her by taking away her phone and internet privileges.

And whether she is doing good or bad on the tests, arrange a half-hour study time with her to ensure that she is at least learning something... although against her will.

 

[djheater]

My oldest is only four. I have no experience with teenager's. I do know that I was a real pain in the ass at that age. Hell I'm still a pain in the ass.

I think you have to remember that you gained this information by eavesdropping. That's fine. I agree that parent's have a fundamental responsibility to thier children and society to know their child's secrets, however if you were to confront her and say "I heard you on the phone talking about cheating..." You'd only be teaching her to be quiet about her indescretions in your presence.

I see a lot of people saying "drop the hammer" I doubt I'd do it in that sense of the word. I'm not afraid of punishing my child, I do feel it necessary to consider and address the underlying reasons for her misbehavior. Undoubtedly there are a number of reasons your child took that course of action. If you want to prevent it in the future, you will need to consider her reason's for doing it.

The change must originate from within her. I do not believe in parenting through fear.

 

[flavio]

You're just going to have to get more involved in her life! Maybe do homework with her or have her do it where you can see her doing it.

It really sounds like you just don't spend much effort on her.

 

[Amused]

I'm going to hate myself for replying to this...

The key here is to convince her to turn herself in. No other action will result in her learning the morality behind this.

 

[FunkmanDigital]

ok, just one thing that really bothers me, why exactly are you listening to her phone conversations? how would you like if she listened to all your phone calls and could punish you for acting in a way she didnt like? there is no need to punish her, let her deal with with the consequences of her actions. it is her life, not yours, remember that. for some reason people seem to get old and think parenting=punishing. and why do you even care about her grades in middle school? its not like they matter once you are in high school. let her get the grades she earns, not the ones you earn. if she does bad in high school she will have to deal with consequences of not being able to go to college, and then maybe she will actually learn that she should have tried. but for god's sake, stop listening to her phone calls.

oh, and for all the people that say that she cant cheat her way through life: she already did. if she got away with it now whats going to stop her from doing it again? nothing. she knows what the consequences are. she knows its just smarter to cheat, because you almost never get caught, than study. public school is worthless anyway. ever think that maybe she has already figured this out?

 

. I suspected she was getting by on cunning and guile and shortcuts

Isn't that a necessary skill to get a long in the real world? Life isn't fair, why should she be forced to play by thoes rules?

 

[UltraQuiet]

ok, just one thing that really bothers me, why exactly are you listening to her phone conversations? how would you like if she listened to all your phone calls and could punish you for acting in a way she didnt like? there is no need to punish her, let her deal with with the consequences of her actions. it is her life, not yours, remember that. for some reason people seem to get old and think parenting=punishing. and why do you even care about her grades in middle school? its not like they matter once you are in high school. let her get the grades she earns, not the ones you earn. if she does bad in high school she will have to deal with consequences of not being able to go to college, and then maybe she will actually learn that she should have tried. but for god's sake, stop listening to her phone calls

Another 12 year old heard from.

The key here is to convince her to turn herself in. No other action will result in her learning the morality behind this

That would be the perfect solution and one I would strive for.

 

[Amused]

Originally posted by: FunkmanDigital
ok, just one thing that really bothers me, why exactly are you listening to her phone conversations? how would you like if she listened to all your phone calls and could punish you for acting in a way she didnt like? there is no need to punish her, let her deal with with the consequences of her actions. it is her life, not yours, remember that. for some reason people seem to get old and think parenting=punishing. and why do you even care about her grades in middle school? its not like they matter once you are in high school. let her get the grades she earns, not the ones you earn. if she does bad in high school she will have to deal with consequences of not being able to go to college, and then maybe she will actually learn that she should have tried. but for god's sake, stop listening to her phone calls.

Bullsh!t. Parenting = guidence. If that requires punishment, so be it. You are not their friend, you are not their buddy, you are their parent.

And for anybody to say a child should have privacy from their parents... well, is it any wonder kids are on drugs??? Kids have no right to privacy from their parents, and this distorted, insane idea that they do has caused so many problems, it's criminal.

Maybe her grades don't matter much in middle school, but her morality does.

Finally, it is not her own life, it is a life her parents are responsible for. She's too young to realize that every action she makes today has life-long consequences. That's why she has parents.

 

[shikhan]

Originally posted by: FunkmanDigital
ok, just one thing that really bothers me, why exactly are you listening to her phone conversations? how would you like if she listened to all your phone calls and could punish you for acting in a way she didnt like? there is no need to punish her, let her deal with with the consequences of her actions. it is her life, not yours, remember that. for some reason people seem to get old and think parenting=punishing. and why do you even care about her grades in middle school? its not like they matter once you are in high school. let her get the grades she earns, not the ones you earn. if she does bad in high school she will have to deal with consequences of not being able to go to college, and then maybe she will actually learn that she should have tried. but for god's sake, stop listening to her phone calls.

Geez, I hope to god you dont have kids. First off, parents are not supposed to be the friends of their kids. There is this thing that parents generally have for their kids, love. Its the type of love that even if they hate how their kid acts, they care dearly for how they will turn out because they care about the lives of their kids. If a parent doesn't have that, then that is one sad parent. Nevertheless, parents have the responsibility to guide their kids so that they can enjoy a good life. Why do parents care about their daughters grades in middle school? Because it will be an indication of how you do in high school and so on. If someone is failing in middle school, their probably going to fail in high school, which means no college. If someone is cheating in middle school, it means that they are probably going to cheat in high school, and if they manage to pass high school, in college and other places in life. This will get the kid burned. It is better that the parent find a way to teach the kid the lesson of why not to cheat when their young and can change before it affects their record rather than let the kid find out the hard way and very possibly ruin the rest of their life.

PS. How old are you? I'd say your a teen, early teen, who still rebels against the parents.

 

[Carbo]

ok, just one thing that really bothers me, why exactly are you listening to her phone conversations? how would you like if she listened to all your phone calls and could punish you for acting in a way she didnt like? there is no need to punish her, let her deal with with the consequences of her actions. it is her life, not yours, remember that. for some reason people seem to get old and think parenting=punishing. and why do you even care about her grades in middle school? its not like they matter once you are in high school. let her get the grades she earns, not the ones you earn. if she does bad in high school she will have to deal with consequences of not being able to go to college, and then maybe she will actually learn that she should have tried. but for god's sake, stop listening to her phone calls.

To quote DaveSohmer from an earlier reply, you're kidding, right? Let's hope your first post is also your last.
For the record I was not listening to her phone conversation. I was in another bedroom putting my four year old to bed. While doing so, the older daughter was yakking it up on the phone in the adjacent bedroom as if she had no need for discretion. Her conversation was clearly audible to me without me making any covert effort to hear it.
She will deal with the consequences of her actions. That's what this thread is all about. Getting legitimate opinions on what those consequences should be.
It is her life. And it is my responsibility to see to it that she does the right thing and makes wise decisions along the way.

 

[chuckieland]

if my parents find out i'm cheat, they would never tell anyone.
but they would lay the smack down on me so hard, i did rather fail then cheat again.

 

[BeauJangles]

Carbo,

I got caught cheating in my spanish class freshmen year of high school. Oh boy, i had hell to pay My spanish teacher despised me for the rest of the year and gave me such a stern tongue-lashing that it has made me paranoid of ever cheating again, on anything. I can honestly say, the few times in my life that I have learned my lesson the first time i was taught it was when I was caught in the act (cheating, stealing, etc). Looking back, I realize it was all stupid, but it was only because i recieved such a harsh punishment the first time that I stopped.

my recommendation: turn her in, but tell the school not, under any circumstances, to inform her who told them. And pretend yourself as though you only know because the school called you. That way they will have one of those 'we believe you have cheated...' conversations. The end result will probably not be anything on her record, she will not suffer 5 years down the road from turning her in now.

my 2 cents.

 

[Sepen]

Originally posted by: Carbo
At this time she has no idea that I know. I agree that some punishment is in order. But, to what extent? Summer vacation begins today. I work out of my home office. She is already bored! Restricting her phone/TV/computer time makes my life even more miserable. I don't know if that's the solution. Summer school is a great idea, and one I've already looked into. Problem is, since she didn't fail the local school district won't allow her to attend. This truly is quite the conundrum.

Ahh, these are the tough times. I have a 19 and 17 year old. Both are now "grown" up and things have gotten really smooth, but it was hell at 12-13-14 and 15. How is your relationship with her? Does she understand you are the Father? With that in mind I would sit down and talk with her, calmly. Explain the pros and cons to her. Re-affirm your love for her. Let her know that is is unacceptable, and try to be a role model.

I know what you are going thru. I always have had a great relationship with my daughters. I was (still am) always calm and positive in my remarks and comments to them. Lenient to an extent. They have turned out wonderful. Just try and roll with it and know that what you say and do now, may dictate how they act later.

Good luck.

 

[FunkmanDigital]

lets hope your first post is also you last, lol, i love how you are such a great role model for your daughter, make her into a perfect version of you. just because my opinion is different than yours means you feel that i should go away and never come back? ok, ill get right on that. hey everyone, because my opinion is different than the norm, it is invalid! and Carbo, who are you to decide what the "right" thing to do is? as if there were a "right" thing to do.

and anyways, im 17, for whoever asked.

 

[narzy]

I will again repeat to cut her off from the outside world for a wile, take her computer, her phone, alarm the window and her door so you will know when she enters and leaves. I am not for big brother all the time but sometimes its necessary. and yes you should, it will do her no good in life to cheat.

 

[Amused]

Originally posted by: FunkmanDigital
and anyways, im 17, for whoever asked.

That explains everything.

Call us in 20 years.

 

[shikhan]

Carbo, who are you to decide what the "right" thing to do is? as if there were a "right" thing to do.

Umm... easy answer... Carbo is the parent, thus he has to decide the right thing to do to best teach his daughter a lesson.

:disgust: