Ramblings of a psychopath.

[JEDIYoda]

I suffer from extreme bipolarity. I suffer from schizophrenia as well. Among many other issues. Its genetic, it runs in my family on my mother's side. Her condition is more manageable than mine is. I got a few cousins that are nearly as bad as I am. One of my cousins cuts herself, and has been admitted many times. My outlet is destroying stuff, or attacking people who piss me off. I've got 4 assault charges on my criminal record. I plead not guilty due to reason of insanity on 3 of them and won. If I'm pushed into a certain state, I have absolutely no control. Its like my animal instincts take over, and I can completely black out, but not always. Its kinda weird, because the times I can recall being in such a state, I'm at complete peace. So yes, its definitely a manic/psychotic state.

I get extremely nervous when in large social gatherings. I've been diagnosed with this as well:

Jesus Loves even people like you.............

 

[Dr. Zaus]

Jesus Loves even people like you.............

This is an important thing to know if you were raised in a Christian society.


" I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.


So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!...

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." - Paul (Romans 7: 14-25; Romans 8:1-4)



I'm fairly sure, given his past, Paul too was a Berserker. As he was well-known for killing Christians.

 

[Charmonium]

This is an important thing to know if you were raised in a Christian society.


" I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." - Paul (Romans 7: 14-7)

I liked your pre-edit response better. That was pretty funny.

 

[Dr. Zaus]

^Thanks^

Alternatively, OP, this could be all you need.

 

[disappoint]

Jesus Loves even people like you.............

You hear that Chaos? Your gardener loves you. And you thought he had something in his eye when he was winking at you.

 

[Dr. Zaus]

You hear that Chaos? Your gardener loves you. And you thought he had something in his eye when he was winking at you.

Chaotic Neutral! Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of Chaotic Evil, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

 

[x26]

I will admit to trolling on the internet, even regularly. Its a hobby of mine, but this topic was intended to be serious. I wouldn't be wasting my time to write wall after wall of text if this was trolling. I'm a lazy troll.

But getting upset over something like this is laughable and pathetic. Its people like you that are the reason I have antipathy for humanity in general. I learned to grow thicker skin over the years rather than let other people get me butthurt over the internet. That's a trait you might want to learn to acquire.

I've been seeking treatment for over 20 years, and nothing has really worked for me, even for the minor goals I've set for myself. The issue with you is you're using broad stroke examples to suggest I'm bullshitting, but the human brain is the most complex thing we know of in existence. If finding a solution for my issues was simple then someone would have came up with a treatment plan that fits my needs by now, but I'm still in the process of limbo trying out different medication combinations.

So you're a Certified Lunatic!!

And to make things even worse:
* you are Explosively/Impulsively Violent
* You possess no appropriate sense of Shame/Guilt/Remorse
* You enjoy the Way you are and have absolutely no intention of Changing

Society would do best to lock you up before you hurt some innocent person.
You are a loaded Gun waiting to explode on some poor unsuspecting Soul

I hope you are Locked up before you hurt someone.
You are the "1" Type of Person that I despise the most--Incorrigible.

 

[Charmonium]

So you're a Certified Lunatic!!

And to make things even worse:
* you are Explosively/Impulsively Violent
* You possess no appropriate sense of Shame/Guilt/Remorse
* You enjoy the Way you are and have absolutely no intention of Changing

Society would do best to lock you up before you hurt some innocent person.
You are a loaded Gun waiting to explode on some poor unsuspecting Soul

I hope you are Locked up before you hurt someone.
You are the "1" Type of Person that I despise the most--Incorrigible.

Nah. I'm sure he's one of those 'crazies' who isn't stupid enough to unload on someone who could kick his ass. It's funny how survival instincts can make even "uncontrollable" people so docile. :awe:

 

[x26]

Jesus Loves even people like you.............

I doubt that...

 

[JEDIYoda]

Jesus Loves all of you!!

 

[MongGrel]

Jesus Loves all of you!!

I thought you guys didn't use that part of the bible.

😉

 

[TastesLikeChicken]

I don't buy the lack of self-control. It sounds like a poor excuse for your actions. If you truly do have a lack of self-control then you should be locked up safely away from the public before you do someone some serious harm. Sorry, but it's as simple as that.

 

[Dr. Zaus]

I don't buy the lack of self-control. It sounds like a poor excuse for your actions. If you truly do have a lack of self-control then you should be locked up safely away from the public before you do someone some serious harm. Sorry, but it's as simple as that.

I guess the first question here would be "what is self" in this situation.

If he's got a multiple-personality problem, perhaps there's a self unrelated to the self that posts on ATOT... like the incredible hulk.

 

[Azraele]

Reading this chilled me to the bone. The lack of self control, the fury and rage, and the lack of emotion.... left me floored and frightened. This person walks the streets. I hope the OP finds the help they need, and some peace from all of that inner turmoil.

 

[Chaosblade02]

Nah. I'm sure he's one of those 'crazies' who isn't stupid enough to unload on someone who could kick his ass. It's funny how survival instincts can make even "uncontrollable" people so docile. :awe:

I haven't feared another human since I was a child. Fear is one of those emotions that doesn't translate well in my brain. Besides, I'm 6' 3" 280lbs. I'm not in great shape by any scale, but I'm strong enough to do about 5 pullups. I do lift weights occasionally, and do exercises like beat tires with sledgehammers. And that means I'm still strong enough to air mail someone who's 150-160lbs across the room like they're a ragdoll. Especially when my adrenaline is in overdrive. I'm dangerous enough to where they won't physically approach me to restrain me in inpatient. They tranquilize me with a dart. 3 guys with riot shields doesn't cut it. Which is what they tried last time.

My concern is me blacking out and murdering someone, waking up and finding myself in a straight jacket for an extended period of time.

Reading this chilled me to the bone. The lack of self control, the fury and rage, and the lack of emotion.... left me floored and frightened. This person walks the streets. I hope the OP finds the help they need, and some peace from all of that inner turmoil.

I haven't gotten into a physical altercation with someone outside of inpatient in over 6 years. I guess I ran at that cop who had to taze me, but what was I supposed to do? The way I see it is he came in my house to arrest me. And I wouldn't have done that had someone not approached me in a hostile manner. I've never had respect for authority. The point is, if you don't bother me, I won't bother you. It would suit me just fine to live the life of a hermit and not bother anyone else. Society doesn't have to worry about me if they just give me some space. I can isolate myself, that's not a problem.

Someone had the idea of sending me to Mars alone. Ironically, I'm someone who could endure long periods of isolation that would drive a normal person insane. Sign me up. The way I see it is I'd be the overlord of Mars by default.

 

[Chaosblade02]

Jesus Loves even people like you.............

I know this reply was in sarcasm. But I personally identify with Lucifer more. He challenged God, the supreme authority. That gets a huge amount of respect from me. If my place ends up being in hell when I die, I think me and Lucifer would get along quite well. I think I'd make a good wing man. Heaven sounds like a really boring place to me. But all jokes aside, I don't believe in god/s. If I'm wrong, then hell is where I belong. Besides, hell is the place where all the coolest people in history likely end up.

 

[Charmonium]

I haven't feared another human since I was a child. Fear is one of those emotions that doesn't translate well in my brain. Besides, I'm 6' 3" 280lbs. I'm not in great shape by any scale, but I'm strong enough to do about 5 pullups. I do lift weights occasionally, and do exercises like beat tires with sledgehammers. And that means I'm still strong enough to air mail someone who's 150-160lbs across the room like they're a ragdoll. Especially when my adrenaline is in overdrive. I'm dangerous enough to where they won't physically approach me to restrain me in inpatient. They tranquilize me with a dart. 3 guys with riot shields doesn't cut it. Which is what they tried last time.
.

More bullshit. Show us a picture of your fat ass or STFU. It's little weasels like you that always pretend to be tough guys.

 

[Chaosblade02]

More bullshit. Show us a picture of your fat ass or STFU. It's little weasels like you that always pretend to be tough guys.

I see the resident butthurt queen is getting rather feisty. If I had to guess, you're metrosexual nerdy type, probably under 150lbs. Prove me wrong. The gumby avatar doesn't do you any good in illustrating your masculinity.

 

[Charmonium]

I see the resident butthurt queen is getting rather feisty. If I had to guess, you're metrosexual nerdy type, probably under 150lbs. Prove me wrong.

Is that the best you can do buttmunch? :awe:

 

[Chaosblade02]

Is that the best you can do buttmunch? :awe:

You're trying to manipulate me into a meltdown and its not gonna work.

I'll tell you what char, come up with the fattest, ugliest person you can find, and I'll use that as my avatar for 24 hours just to prove I don't give a shit about what you or anyone else thinks.

 

[emperus]

In the last month I've had a psychotic breakdown and had to get thrown into inpatient in a mental institution, and then I've been going to group therapy, or outpatient. I got thrown into inpatient because I threatened to murder someone over the phone. It was some stupid marketing company that kept calling my phone, and I blocked their numbers 3 times. The next time they called, rage set in, and I told the person something on the phone that I'm not gonna repeat in its entirely, but I told the person I was going to track them down, and kill them + eat their babies if they called this number again. 2 days later the police knocked on my door to arrest me. I was in county jail for about 6 hours, until they transferred me to a mental institution on an ambulance. They didn't press charges due to my history of mental instability. I wasn't ordered to be in inpatient for any set amount of time, just that I needed to go there.

Inpatient was bad. They were control freaks, and I ended up breaking into a blind, uncontrollable rage. It literally took 10 people to subdue me. I was grabbing anything I could get my hands on and tossing it, including tables, chairs, even the microwave, etc. Anyone that got near me was attacked. The thing is, I didn't remember any of the details until they showed me the video. I blacked out. I woke up in a straight jacket inside of a padded cell and didn't even know why the fuck I was in there. A couple of the staff members there were injured during my blind rage. One guy had to get stitches on his face. One of the female staff members was hit with a chair.

I told my psychiatrist that inpatient has never helped me before and when I'm placed into an atmosphere of "control" I feel like I'm 50x more likely to have a breakdown, because I'm often belligerent to authority. And my brain works like this:

Wait, you had a psychiatric break and while in inpatient care for threatening to kill someone you blacked out attacked 10 people leaving some stitches and they "let" you go to outpatient?

Not sure I believe all that.

 

[emperus]

You're trying to manipulate me into a meltdown and its not gonna work.

I'll tell you what char, come up with the fattest, ugliest person you can find, and I'll use that as my avatar for 24 hours just to prove I don't give a shit about what you or anyone else thinks.

That really doesn't prove anything.

If you really don't care what anyone thinks, you'd just post a picture of yourself so we can get a better feel for who you really are.

But, I'll assume you won't because you do in fact care.

 

[Charmonium]

But, I'll assume you won't because you do in fact care.

Obviously. LOL. :whiste:

 

[Chaosblade02]

Wait, you had a psychiatric break and while in inpatient care for threatening to kill someone you blacked out attacked 10 people leaving some stitches and they "let" you go to outpatient?

Not sure I believe all that.

Being in inpatient did nothing but cause the breakdown. They're authoritative control freaks and when put in an environment like that only makes matters worse for me. My psychiatrist agreed that the situation of me being there contributed to the breakdown. Me going to inpatient is only as a last resort. And I got out of inpatient by agreeing to go to outpatient therapy for 1 month and maintain good behavior. I'm not criminally liable for having a breakdown in a mental institution. That's the risk those people accept when they work in a place like that. I don't feel guilty about it. They chose to work in a place like that. Nobody is forcing them to. They should blame the administrators for having them put themselves at risk for injury when an angry bear was on a rampage.

 

[Chaosblade02]

If you really don't care what anyone thinks, you'd just post a picture of yourself so we can get a better feel for who you really are.

I can't take a picture with an AT&T go phone.

The reason I use one of these because they're relatively cheap to replace. I forgot to add phones to my casualty list, but I've demolished over a dozen. I have no way of taking a picture or I'd post one.