Question for those in relationships regarding email privacy

[sixone]

Originally posted by: jbourne77

Originally posted by: sixone
If she was married to you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Since she isn't, let's deal with what IS, and not what should be.

Wait wait wait... you can't say "let's deal with what is" right after saying "since the wife's not here, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt".

In other words, giving the benefit of the doubt to a side of the story that, until recently, was nothing more than your own wild speculation.

Originally posted by: sixone
I would have a few choice words for her, if she was here, but she isn't, so why waste the time?

Okay, it's time get extreme. An assault victim posts a thread about how she was beaten down to the ground while leaving work.

"So, Mrs. Victim... let's get to the heart of what really matters here: What did you do to deserve the beatdown? Did you look at him crosseyed 12 years ago? Maybe you should work on making him feel better about that so you don't get beatdown again."

"Uh, are you insane?"

"Well, the attacker isn't here so I'm not going to waste my time pointing out what a prick he is. "

......

... oh wait... the victim was female... nevermind. Guess the anology wouldn't apply here.

:biggreennastypukeicon:

You're the one putting ALL the blame on the wife, who hasn't had a chance to defend herself. I never said the OP was solely to blame, but I do expect him to own HIS contributions to a bad situation.

There are no victims here. He picked her, he married her, knowing that she had this trust issue, and now he's mad that his dog is STILL barking, so to speak. And she picked him and married him, while feeling that he was unworthy of her trust, and refusing to let him earn it. If he can't take his share of the blame, why should she?

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: sixone
You're the one putting ALL the blame on the wife, who hasn't had a chance to defend herself. I never said the OP was solely to blame, but I do expect him to own HIS contributions to a bad situation.

It hasn't been until now (or a post or two ago) that you even acknowledged any possible wrongdoing on her part. You've pretty much treated the OP like this was all his own doing.

Why do you care if she reads your e-mails? Why do you expect her to misunderstand? What are you doing that makes you uncomfortable with your wife seeing it?

She is not your problem.

Doesn't look like you're splitting the blame at all, there :roll: .

You even went so far as to pin the future success and failure of the marriage SQUARELY on his shoulders and his shoulders alone:

If the OP wants to keep his wife, and I have no reason to think he doesnt, he can man up and do what it takes to keep it and keep it solid. Or not.

Again, I don't see any shared responsibility... The original context of that quote was you telling the OP that he was wrong to a) change the passwords, and b) expect her to stay out of his email. You thought she was completely justified, even without her side of the story.

And throughout the whole thing, you treated the OP like he was a liar. You "knew" he must have given her a reason to supervise him like a kid. You were very quick to give the benefit of the doubt to the wife, who's story you've not even heard, but you have a husband right here who's calmly explaining the situation and you won't believe a word he says. You kept insisting he had MUST have had something to hide when, by his own word, he didn't.

You're far more apt to believe something you *think* an absent woman *might* say over what a man who is sitting right here telling you. THAT'S suspicious. That is NOT dealing with "what is".

In the end, he really doesn't seem like the one who can't be trusted. Like the OP said, this 12-year old event (when do these things expire, anyway? Bankruptcies disappear quicker than that) is only an issue when it's convenient for her. When I married my wife, I did so as an expression of my love for her and my trust in her. If I didn't trust her, I wouldn't have married her. To use some stupid, unsubstantiated decade-old event as an excuse for acting like a distrustful control freak is absurd. I'd say the same thing to an idiot man who tails his wife wherever she goes. When she married him, she ACCEPTED him, including his past. And unless he was aware of her peering into every aspect of his life behind his back twelve years ago, you can't just write this all off to "well, that's the woman you married". The difference? She KNEW about this alleged event when she married him... he did NOT know that she was going to intercept all of his personal communications later down the road. I think it's safe to say that's not what he signed up for nine years ago.

Now obviously if she was doing stuff like that when they got married, then I would have absolutely ZERO sympathy for the guy. That WOULD be a case of "hey, you married her". But that really doesn't seem to be the case here, now does it. He was rather surprised to find her reading his email, wasn't he?

 

[Jeraden]

Oh, one more piece of info I almost forgot about. She caught me sleeping with her sister 3 months ago and thats one of the females I still email occasionally. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with or not...dunno.

 

[Jeraden]

just kidding

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: jbourne77

You make some good points, but quoting me out of context is hardly fair, especially as the OP volunteered more info later. Look at the difference between his first post and his latest one - he left out some rather important details in the OP, IMHO. And what he left out was just as important as what he included.

There's no point in telling him what SHE ought to be doing - if she won't listed to her husband, then that's a dead end. All I can do is try to get him to think about what HE's doing to contribute to the problems that they created together. Maybe a little honey on his side would catch a fly from her side.

She did accept his offer of marriage. An offer made and accepted when they both knew that they hadn't fully resolved that old issue, but both were willing to ignore it. Suddenly it's this big deal, when in reality, nothing has changed. He said they'd discussed it 'a trillion different times', without being able to come to a resolution, so I don't know why finding that she'd read his email came as such a surprise. What prompted those discussions - something other than emails, that much is obvious.

But maybe he'll get his wife in here to tell her side. ZOMG - is that a pig outside my window??

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Jeraden
Oh, one more piece of info I almost forgot about. She caught me sleeping with her sister 3 months ago and thats one of the females I still email occasionally. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with or not...dunno.

You almost forgot. Riiiiiiiight. Kidding - I doubt it.

You are a piece of work. Dump her snoopin' ass now, she doesn't deserve you. :roll:

 

[stars]

funnay timmay

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Jeraden
Oh, one more piece of info I almost forgot about. She caught me sleeping with her sister 3 months ago and thats one of the females I still email occasionally. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with or not...dunno.

You almost forgot. Riiiiiiiight. Kidding - I doubt it.

You are a piece of work. Dump her snoopin' ass now, she doesn't deserve you. :roll:

Bah... I actually thought it was funny. It caught me by surprise... one of those "wtf wait a minute" type deals hehe.

But it would be fun to get her in here (hell, bring the sister, too)... then we could psychoanalyze the two of them together... and because I'm a software engineer, I'm obviously qualified to do that.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: jbourne77
But it would be fun to get her in here (hell, bring the sister, too)... then we could psychoanalyze the two of them together... and because I'm a software engineer, I'm obviously qualified to do that.

It would be only fair for her to take her licks, too.

 

[Stuxnet]

After reading through the thread again, I think it's safe to say she's taken her licks... she just doesn't know it .

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: jbourne77
After reading through the thread again, I think it's safe to say she's taken her licks... she just doesn't know it .

No, I have lots of questions.

 

[MaxDepth]

I find that people who say, "I have nothing to hide," are basically boring people.


j/k


Actually, this notion that everything must be open because private things lead to misbehavior is just wrong. Each person having their own sanctum, their own private place does not automatically make them shady. I feel it is a trust thing, much like a diary. I trust my girlfriend to do the "right thing" whatever that is.

Reading someone else's words, without permission, is wrong. And telling a person to give up that privacy is wrong too.

I have never heard a compelling reason why a spouse should automatically read the other's email. Emails don't cause adultery. Adults cause adultery.

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Nik
That's how I found out that bitch was cheating on me, but it was also the first time I'd ever done so. She'd already betrayed my trust, so I didn't fvcking care.

But you already knew something was up before you looked, didn't you?

Knew, I dunno. Felt, yes. I had a feeling that wouldn't stop nagging. I had dreams about it for days and days -the same dream over and over every night. Things she said didn't add up so I just bit my tongue and checked. I'm glad I did. My dreams and feelings were exactly right.

 

[newParadigm]

somewaht different, but my friends Dad demanded my friends email PW awhile back. Pwnage of my friend ensued, as his dad found some random emails btwn him and another friend of ours. They were aparently talking about a girl inapropriatley. He was also emailing the same girl, and his dad thought they were in a 'ship. My friend couldn't hang out with the girl anymore alone, or at all really, without geting un up a wall by his dad. While I agree that romantic relationships btwn 13-14 y/o's are just stupid, parents need to be more careful to know whats really going on, as my friend wasn't actually in a 'ship with said girl.

This all happened like 2 years ago, and I'm going to Senior Prom with the same chick (im 2 years older than my friend, and so is the girl, so we're the same age).

~new

 

[eits]

Originally posted by: Jeraden
I've been married for 9 years and while my wife and I both have our own email accounts, we know the passwords for each others accounts as well. Recently I found out that my wife has been reading my personal emails. Yes, there are a couple female friends I have that I email with, which I'm sure is the reason. I guess she's checking up on me or something. The thing is the emails are always just as friends - they are in relationships too. Since she's been reading them evidentally, she knows its just friends and nothing more. Well, now that I know she is reading, or at least has the potential to read anything I say, I started to feel very uncomfortable writing people as now I feel like I have to be ultra careful with what I say so she doesn't misinterpret anything and its really taken the fun out of conversing with people.
The other night I decided I needed to change my password, because I still feel there needs to be some level of personal privacy, even in a marriage. This did not sit well with her and various arguments soon followed.
So, I was just wondering how other couples handled things. Do you have the passwords and just not check, keep them private, read each others mails. Just curious what everyone else thinks about my predicament.

she needs to trust you. a relationship works only when trust and love are strong. seeing how you haven't given her any reason to doubt her trust, she should just let it go and quit snooping.

something i thought would be hilarious would be if you created another email account under a female alias and emailed yourself erotic emails and stuff just to kinda have fun with it whenever your wife explodes, just laugh and show her that you created another account just so you could pull a prank on her. hopefully, she won't be like "GOOD! NOW I DON'T FEEL SO BAD FOR CHEATING ON YOU WITH THE GUY AT WORK!"

 

[eits]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Jeraden
Well, I left out a lot of details, but the sequence of events were:
- realized she was reading emails
- told her I was going to change my password because I was not comfortable with that. Discussions ensued, I did not change it yet
- found out later that she was still reading them even after previous discussion, so then I changed it and we had further discussions/arguments.

Why do you care if she reads your e-mails? Why do you expect her to misunderstand? What are you doing that makes you uncomfortable with your wife seeing it?

She is not your problem.

because people have the right to a certain privacy, no matter the relationship.

also, ever sit in class and write a note to someone and have your neighbor read over your shoulder what you were writing? even though it had nothing to do with them and they may be a friend of yours whom you trust, you still kinda feel like "dude, gimme some privacy so i can think..."

if dude wants to write an email to a buddy of his and he knows his paranoid woman is reading his stuff, it's hard to focus on the email and not on dwelling over his wife reading it (even though it isn't about anything important).

 

[MrDudeMan]

major pwnage of sixone in this thread. sixone, you are being such a feminist it kills me. all you ever do is blame men...when in reality we are MUCH easier to get along with. we dont bring up stupid ****** that happened 10 years ago like women do, and all you have to do to please us is sex. we are simple beasts. it takes absolutely no brain power to please a man, and if you cant do it, well...

 

[CalvinHobbs]

Originally posted by: Sphexi
My wife knows all of my passwords, or at least she did at one point (no idea if she bothered memorizing them or not). Once or twice in the past she had me login to her email account to fix something, or if she wasn't able to get to a computer to respond to something, but she usually has to remind me as to what the password is. I'm not worried about her getting/sending emails that would be inappropriate, I trust her to know what I'd frown upon and to make decisions accordingly. At the same time the only email I ever get is junk mail so if she ever does bother reading mine, she'll probably just think I get way too much penis enlargement email.

BTW need to add an option like "Could read them but no need to as we actually trust each other" or something.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Bigsm00th
major pwnage of sixone in this thread. sixone, you are being such a feminist it kills me. all you ever do is blame men...when in reality we are MUCH easier to get along with. we dont bring up stupid ****** that happened 10 years ago like women do, and all you have to do to please us is sex. we are simple beasts. it takes absolutely no brain power to please a man, and if you cant do it, well...

LOL - you clearly didn't read the thread. The only ownage here is what you've heaped on yourself.

 

[FeuerFrei]

Originally posted by: Jeraden
I've been married for 9 years and while my wife and I both have our own email accounts, we know the passwords for each others accounts as well. Recently I found out that my wife has been reading my personal emails. Yes, there are a couple female friends I have that I email with, which I'm sure is the reason. I guess she's checking up on me or something. The thing is the emails are always just as friends - they are in relationships too. Since she's been reading them evidentally, she knows its just friends and nothing more. Well, now that I know she is reading, or at least has the potential to read anything I say, I started to feel very uncomfortable writing people as now I feel like I have to be ultra careful with what I say so she doesn't misinterpret anything and its really taken the fun out of conversing with people.
The other night I decided I needed to change my password, because I still feel there needs to be some level of personal privacy, even in a marriage. This did not sit well with her and various arguments soon followed.
So, I was just wondering how other couples handled things. Do you have the passwords and just not check, keep them private, read each others mails. Just curious what everyone else thinks about my predicament.

Don't try to hide stuff from your wife. If you have a problem with her reading what you write then maybe you should reevaluate what you're writing. No it might not be as fun, but hey that's part of marriage. I've been in the opposite situation and hiding stuff just foments suspicion. You should be as open as possible. Some things are not worth arguing over. I've heard the "just friends" line before and got burned.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Bigsm00th
major pwnage of sixone in this thread. sixone, you are being such a feminist it kills me. all you ever do is blame men...when in reality we are MUCH easier to get along with. we dont bring up stupid ****** that happened 10 years ago like women do, and all you have to do to please us is sex. we are simple beasts. it takes absolutely no brain power to please a man, and if you cant do it, well...

hmm you seem to have it wrong as well. I am sure 10years is a little exaggerated, but if all I wanted was sex I'd stay out in the clubs/bars. There is more to a woman than that once you grow up.

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Bigsm00th
major pwnage of sixone in this thread. sixone, you are being such a feminist it kills me. all you ever do is blame men...when in reality we are MUCH easier to get along with. we dont bring up stupid ****** that happened 10 years ago like women do, and all you have to do to please us is sex. we are simple beasts. it takes absolutely no brain power to please a man, and if you cant do it, well...

LOL - you clearly didn't read the thread. The only ownage here is what you've heaped on yourself.

i was mostly being sarcastic with that response, except for you getting owned. i did read the whole thread actually, and you got pwned whether you like it or not. no matter what the circumstance, you pin it on the guy as the root of the issue. girls never make mistakes according to you :roll:

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: Bigsm00th
major pwnage of sixone in this thread. sixone, you are being such a feminist it kills me. all you ever do is blame men...when in reality we are MUCH easier to get along with. we dont bring up stupid ****** that happened 10 years ago like women do, and all you have to do to please us is sex. we are simple beasts. it takes absolutely no brain power to please a man, and if you cant do it, well...

hmm you seem to have it wrong as well. I am sure 10years is a little exaggerated, but if all I wanted was sex I'd stay out in the clubs/bars. There is more to a woman than that once you grow up.

i was just trying to get a rise out of sixone i dont actually think that.

 

[Fraggable]

I say don't share them but in reality it shouldn't be an issue. If you both trust each other there's no need to consider this issue. If you don't trust each other that much then sharing emails is the least of your issues.

 

[Davegod]

Er, doesnt reading someone's email actually mean reading the email that's been sent TO them? You/Your SO might have no problems with you reading her/his email, but the person writing to your SO might. My secrets are one thing, other's peoples are sacrosanct as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe I'm a little fussy because I work in an industry where an individuals privacy is VERY important (technically we shouldnt even indicate wether a person is a client or not unless they've been authorised, though obviously that'd be ridiculously impractical), but for me I'm not sure wether or not I'd take it as a real invasion - since you were aware she had your password and presumably didnt make a point about it. If she'd snaffled it without your knowing, for me that's be A Big Deal, despite there being no shens in my emails (or elsewhere).

 

[monk3y]

My GF and I know each other's passwords... I don't know/care if she checks my e-mail but I don't check hers.