Poll: Good parental decision or bad?

[ceLLriOT]

Hey everybody, I want to tell you a little story, it wont take long, I promise. So me and my girlfriend, age 16 (I'm 19) have been seeing each other for six months. I love her a lot, and we are both still virgins. So I live on my own and she lives with her parents. I am a Christian and so is her family. She is perfect for me and I am finished looking for a female in my life, I am positive (and for me, that's amazing) POSITIVE this is the one I'm going to marry someday. Anyways, her parents became concerned when we started breaking rules, such as curfew, talking on the phone late, and her coming over to my house (which was not allowed unless we had permission from them). She became grounded for a month early on in our relationship because, after her birthday party, I hung out with her in her bedroom (with the door closed) until 3am, discussing problems we were having, and her friends from the party were out in the other room watching a movie, with her sister. Her mother was displeased with this and grounded her for a month. More recently she has been grounded for two weeks for disobedience and after that spout her parents wanted to have a little chat with me. They gave me a list of rules. The rules were basic, no talking on the phone after 10pm, no internet for her after 11pm, no being in her room with the door closed, and she wasnt allowed to come over to my house, period. So after this, about five days after actually, things were going fine until my girlfriend had a half day in school and decided to drop bye after school. I was still asleep. She came in and hung out, I wanted to tell her to leave because I knew the risk, but did not. I love spending time with her and she makes me so happy. So we hung out for an hour or so and we get a knock on the door. Her Mom showed up and told her to drive home. I knew this was going to be bad. So her parents decided to take her car away indefinately, and her phone and modem. They also said that she was not grounded, she could use the community phone, but she was not allowed to call, email, write, or see me, Period. So what do you think. They say this is something God told them to do, and that someday maybe we can be together, but right now they said they want my girlfriend to grow without me and mature until she can handle our relationship and respect her parents at the same time. I dont buy this. I respect their decision, but no guy that loves a girl is going to want to just cut himself out of her life until some unknown later date, that's not fair to her. I promised her I'd always be there for her. So what do you all think i should do? Do you think they made the right decision? Thanks for all your help.

Edit:I've come to a decision about what I'm going to do, I got an email and talked to my girlfriend on Monday and have made some final decisions about what I should do, and what the real problem was here. All of my final thoughts are near the bottom of page 2.

 

[ohtwell]

I don't think it was a good parental decision.

They should consider their daughter's happiness and trust her enough to make the right decisions.

 

[ceLLriOT]

Exactly my point. We are so happy together. And no I will not break out into a cheesy rendition of that oh so wonderful song so craftily used over and over by the Wonder years by the Turtles. But we are meant for each other, and get this, She loves Counterstrike??? And Worms Armageddon! And attends regular LAN parties! She's my angel.

 

[pinoy]

not a good one, them being too harsh on her. but you 2 should know better also. since your relationship is just 6 months old, first, you should have let her parents get to know you better. show your good intentions. anyway, GOODLUCK to BOTH of you!

 

[notfred]

They're overprotective.


and the "God said so" line is bull crap.

 

[dirtboy]

<< The rules were basic, no talking on the phone after 10pm, no internet for her after 11pm, no being in her room with the door closed, and she wasnt allowed to come over to my house, period. So after this, about five days after actually, things were going fine until my girlfriend had a half day in school and decided to drop bye after school. I was still asleep. She came in and hung out, I wanted to tell her to leave because I knew the risk, but did not. >>



So this all begins when the two of you knowingly break her parent's rules; rules which you clearly understood.



<< So her parents decided to take her car away indefinately, and her phone and modem. They also said that she was not grounded, she could use the community phone, but she was not allowed to call, email, write, or see me, Period. So what do you think. >>



She broke their rules and there are consequences for her actions. Nothing wrong with that. As her parents, they can decide what the level of punishment should be.



<< So what do you all think i should do? >>



I think the next time your gf's parents lay down a set of rules, you should obide by them. And as for her, I would just keep in contact with her at school. As far as having her as your gf, it's time to move on, because it appears to me that you've lost that priviledge -- unless you do it without her parents finding out, and when they do, you know it's not going to be pretty.

Your actions have caused your gf to lose her car, phone and modem. Ask yourself how much more damage do you want to do? Do the adult thing: 1.) Apologize to her parents for your lack of respect. 2.) Move on. 3.) When you get another gf, don't do this again.

 

[ceLLriOT]

I know I should have followed the rules, but you dont always think of that at the time. And I respect her parents fully, and I will follow their request not to see her anymore, but I do think this decision was a bit harsh. And as far as me "moving on," well, true love doesn't leave that easilly, and I will wait for her as long as I have to. I am very concerned for her and I am so sorry for her losing those things with it basically being my fault, but it was her decision to come over, she is very hard headed sometimes.

 

[Gonad the Barbarian]

<< trust her enough to make the right decisions >>



The whole point of parenting is teaching your kid to make their own decisions, not sheilding them from making deicisions. If you haven't reached that pont after 16 years, you haven't been a good parent, and the kid suffers for it.

 

[silverpig]

Go play some "baseball" in their yard one night.

(break their windows man)

Make sure they can't prove anything, and keep wrecking stuff. Then, sever a horse's head, and leave it in their bed. That'll learn 'em.

 

[ceLLriOT]

LMAO, thanks silverpig, I needed a laugh. I haven't laughed in days. Leave it to the guys hanging out in Off Topic to make my day.

 

[silverpig]

The funny thing is you think I'm joking...




hehe

 

[xero940]

<< Go play some "baseball" in their yard one night.

(break their windows man)

Make sure they can't prove anything, and keep wrecking stuff. Then, sever a horse's head, and leave it in their bed. That'll learn 'em. >>



suddenly you having post #666 isn't so cool anymore...

 

[Brutuskend]

Too many rules, and being to protective can lead her to rebel all togather.
I can understand them doing it, but I think it will be trouble in the long run!

I'm old enough to have kids both your ages (hell I could have GRAND KIDS your age for that matter!), and I see trouble on the horizon....

 

[Orsorum]

<< I know I should have followed the rules, but you dont always think of that at the time. And I respect her parents fully, and I will follow their request not to see her anymore, but I do think this decision was a bit harsh. And as far as me "moving on," well, true love doesn't leave that easilly, and I will wait for her as long as I have to. I am very concerned for her and I am so sorry for her losing those things with it basically being my fault, but it was her decision to come over, she is very hard headed sometimes. >>



I think there's a difference between watching out for your child and setting boundaries, and being completely domineering.

I don't think there's a clear line in this case.

You knew the rules, and they were broken... by you, and by her. However, if you look at the honest extent to which those rules could be considered fair for a girl her age, I don't think that her parents were completely in the right, either.

I think part of being a good parent is giving your child a certain level of autonomy in their private life... which, in my opinion, these parents have neglected to do.

I'm surprised that her parents said something like "God told us to do it." I'm surprised anyone would mention something like that, actually. That's borderline a)fanatical, or b) idiotic. I'm a devout Christian, but I don't normally believe that God speaks in such manner.

It's a tough situation any way you look at it. I would give it some time, give yourself and herself some time to let the dust settle, and see if you can get together for a cup of coffee in a month or two, and talk things over, and see if her parents would agree to a meeting or a cup of coffee with you as well.

Most importantly, pray about it, and see what God does.

 

[Palek]

ceLLriOT, if you are indeed serious about your faith then stop for a moment and consider why your girlfriend's parents came up with certain rules and why they disciplined their daughter when she broke those rules. I can imagine that you miss her terribly and want to spend as much time with her as possible, and probably feel like you are being unjustly punished. But again consider what the motivation is behind the actions of her parents.
You yourself said that her parents are Christians. If that is truly so then they are simply doing their best to protect their daughter from making some mistakes that are very easy commit in certain situations that they have been trying to keep the two of you out of. They might have gone a little too far with the modem thing, but nevertheless they were only trying to keep their daughter away from trouble. And as loving, concerned parents they have the right to, in fact it is their God-given responsibility to care for and discipline their children.
This might be a relatively silly example but imagine this situation:
You have a 4-year-old son who just loves fiddling with machines. You teach him how to use the hifi because he cannot cause himself any harm with that, but you tell him not to touch the microwave because it is dangerous. You find your son playing with the microwave the next day. What do you do? You reprimand him for disobeying you and tell him again that it is dangerous. Why? Because you love your son and want to keep him out of harm's way. And because as a parent you need to teach your child discipline and obedience. What if you still find your kid playing with the microwave the next day? This kind of rebellion from a child should be responded to with firm discipline. This time maybe with a spanking. Harsh? Definitely. It usually hurts the parent as well to have to spank their child. But is not a spanking better than the child killing himself by attempting to use the microwave again but this time by putting something in it?
Parents who teach their children discipline are the ones that truly love them. I do not want to make you feel any worse, but it seems like your girlfriend showed disrespect toward her parents by breaking their rules. She also broke their trust and unfortunately so did you even though you tried not to. They overreacted the way they did because the rules were broken repeatedly and they lost their trust in the two of you.
That trust however can be regained. It does not sound like you are cut off from her indefinitely. But instead of rebelling against the parents and alienating them even further, try to understand where they come from and SHOW them that you are trying. You need to respect them because they only want the best for both of you - I am sure about this.

 

[ceLLriOT]

Aside from working, moaping, crying and not eating or sleeping, in the last three days since this happened all i have been doing is praying. I hope they re-evaluate their decision. I hope God thinks so too.

 

[MrCodeDude]

While the rules were pretty overprotective, you broke them, twice. Just wait a while, don't break the rules. My girlfriend has to be escorted to the mall by her mom where she has to meet her girlfriends and then meet my friend and I inside wherever we are
-- mrcodedude

 

[Orsorum]

<< Aside from working, moaping, crying and not eating or sleeping, in the last three days since this happened all i have been doing is praying. I hope they re-evaluate their decision. I hope God thinks so too. >>



Give it time. The more you focus on it, the longer it will fester. Get your chin up, square your shoulders, and carry on with your life for now. Do something to take your mind off of the situation.

God moves, but He moves in ways I don't think any of us understand. The only thing I've really found out about God in most of my relationships is that He gives us what we want when we least expect it... so, for now, keep your daily life hopping.

 

[ceLLriOT]

I am trying to see the good in all of this, and I know it is all part of God's plan, but it still hurts because we, in six months, have not went a day without speaking to each other, even if just for a few minutes on the phone. It's like an addiction, and Im going through withdrawals. I wrote her mother a letter asking if I could have just some sort of communication. I asked her to pray for me and give both me and my girlfriend strength. I also am planning on going to see her at her school on Tuesday to talk to her one last time before I actually commit to the non-communication thing. Should I do that?

 

[linuxboy]

ceLLriOT, if you do have the belief system that conforms to a Christian one, then perhaps you should examine it to see what guidance it provides. For example, Matthew tells us to take Christ's yoke and follow Him. In such a state, there is nothing but adhering to God's will. If that's the case, then examine what your relationship is. After that, examine what your relationship is to the people and world around you. You seem to say alot of ME ME ME ME ME. WE were happy. And now that's taken away. ME ME ME.

Look around you. Of course you'll want to get back what you don't have. Of course, you want freedom and authority over your love and to claim it for yourself as yours. Almost everyone does that. Look deeper. There is a grace, a redeeming love, that should be a part of who you are, that should guide you in anything. If you tell me that this decision offends you, then why did you break the rules in the first place. likely answer to that is: "oh but they are unreasonable, need to do what i think is right". Why don't you look at it from the parents' view, and talk to them and understand why they do what they do.

Right now, you are seen as some irresponsible guy who is doing what's not good for the daughter (you aren't with this behavior, I think, for reasons already mentioned). How do you think this makes the parents feel and react?

You have NO idea what it means to be a parent. You don't know what it is to stay awake until 3 AM waiting for your child to get home. You have no idea what it means to pray endlessly (if one is religious) to prevent any evil or calamity from occuring to your child, that treasure and gift from God (Ecclesiastes reference). You don't know what it means to be that. Look into the lives of the family with whom you are dealing. Look into your life and the life of your girl and see what it is and think that perhaps someone who has been through those experiences may know something after all.

But hey, what do I know; I'm just another "old" guy who thinks young'uns today should be given a kick in the arse to get some sense into them.

discipline yourself and develop that relationship to know who you are so that you are ready to understand someone else. Missing this step often leads to calamity, from my experience.

Cheers !

 

[ceLLriOT]

I agree that I have been somewhat irresponsible in the past, and I should have taken these rules and the serious meeting we had as a "last chance" but I guess I didnt realize what I had until it was gone. I do now. I am so deeply worried about what my girlfriend is going through right now, and I wish I could be there for her. I pray for HER strength over mine, and I pray often. I don't believe we should be allowed to date until we show some more responsability, but to be cut off completely until some later date when God confirms with me and her parents that it is the right time, well, I think that is a bit drastic. What kind of friend in Christ am I if I can't even call to see how she is doing?

 

[linuxboy]

What kind of friend in Christ am I if I can't even call to see how she is doing?

A good one. It is too early to sever the connection that binds her to her family. Way way way waaaay too early. She's just not ready to deal with this yet and frankly, I don't think you are. If you want to pursue it, talk to her parents and develop a relationship with them. Until then, stay away and mature. The problem with stuff in the Bible is that it works great if people ar healthy and strong (Paul says, all is allowed for me but not all does me good). Real world situations mean people are weak and much much goes wrong. With those weaknesses, the Bible again tells us (only doing this since you identified yourself as a Christian, if you want secular reasoning, ask me to explin this in terms of some theory) that for the sake of others, I will not eat meat (Paul says this). Meaning that to save others, one must considered everything that is seemingly important as worthless so that the person benefits. Again, you are not a very good friend to begin with if you got her in this mess. Apologize, give it some time, spend time with the parents and take it VERY slowly. If you post this sort of thing, I must reiterate that you have a lot of growin up to do (at least I think so).


Cheers !

 

[Grunt03]

Why not just ask to speak with the parents. Go over to their house and discuss it with them.
Listen to their point of view and what they think about the entire situation. It sounds to me
like the both of you think that you are madly in love.
I do think that when the parents set the rules, you both should have shown more respect
by following the rules.

Give it up and move on........

Last but not least, who are you to question good or bad parental decision?
Ask yourself this, if you had a teenage daughter and she starts
running out with a guy three almost four years older than her, coming in
late. Hideing him in her room, going over to his place without permission.
What would you do?

I thought so............

 

[rgwalt]

My ex and I went through something very similar. We started dating when I wasn't a Christian, and her parents broke us up. This is when we were in college. It was VERY tough to deal with, but we made it through. I was saved, and we started dating again. Your situation is different though. They know you are a Christian, but they still feel they have to protect their daughter from you. They are afraid that spending as much time with each other as you do will cause you to sin, or at the very least distract you from your relationship with God. You see, here is the thing... you both are still maturing, and you are growing in your relationship with God. It is important to realize that you need time to grow/mature individually. So, what they are doing may be for the best in the long run. However, on the other hand, one has to ask whether or not it was really guidance from the Holy Spirit or a parent's drive to protect their child that prompted their decision. They may need to learn to trust in God and not try to take matters into their own hands.

Its tough to know what to do in this situation. I'm assuming your GF has at least a year and a half of HS left. The thing is that ultimitately she has to repsect her parent's decision in this matter. They are still supporting her, and will continue to do so at least until she is out of high school. Also, she will have a life-long relationship with her family. You need to ask yourself the question, are you ready to get married to her? What are/were your long-term plans with this girl? I know you said you know she is the one, but when? After she gets done with HS, with college? People really change from the time they are 16 to the time they are 22. Trust me, I know first-hand. The longer you wait to actually commit to marriage, the worse the temptation becomes to fool around or sleep together. Again, trust me, I know first-hand. My advice is to apologize to her parents, explain to them how you feel, and ask for limited communication rights. Ask if you can simply write letters (snail mail) to each other. Explain that you hope to some day marry their daughter, and that you want to "court" her. As time passes, hopefully they will come to trust you more and more, and you two can be together again.

In the mean time, I wouldn't try to visit her. I would simply spend my time praying, and trying not to focus on the feelings of pain and loss. I would go ahead and write her a letter though. And if her parents do forgive you and/or change their minds, don't feck up again.

Ryan

 

[Orsorum]

<< I agree that I have been somewhat irresponsible in the past, and I should have taken these rules and the serious meeting we had as a "last chance" but I guess I didnt realize what I had until it was gone. I do now. I am so deeply worried about what my girlfriend is going through right now, and I wish I could be there for her. I pray for HER strength over mine, and I pray often. I don't believe we should be allowed to date until we show some more responsability, but to be cut off completely until some later date when God confirms with me and her parents that it is the right time, well, I think that is a bit drastic. What kind of friend in Christ am I if I can't even call to see how she is doing? >>



I think it's good that you're praying for her; it may be, for now, that you can't have contact with her.

This may be a trial that in the end will bless you.