Poll: Good parental decision or bad?

[skace]

Her parents had 0 trust for you since day one, that alone would get them my disrespect. Their rules were set so that you could not talk to their daughter unless you were 4 feet in front of them. That is a good way to raise a person into dependency. They are trying to force their daughter to live some sort of perfect life that they have set in their eyes instead of living the life she wants to. Basically, her parents are fooling themselves, setting their daughter up for failure, and wasting away her childhood - one of the best periods of her life.

I don't think you should stay away from her, as her parents would hope. Go after what your heart desires because it is evident the girl feels strongly for you too. You shouldn't have to be the best friend of her mom and dad to date her.

If you love her, go after her.

 

[Danman]

That really sucks man. Her parents sound like a bunch of a$$holes who have their daughter on a 3ft. leash. :disgust: Sorry again.

 

[Alex]

wtf this is totally crappy

i watched this movie the other night about lesbians (like an 18 and 16 one) and the 16 year old one gets all this crap from her parents and cant see her friend and they end up breaking up. it was very sad.

anyways like ive had a lot of crap from my parents in the past couple years (im 18 now hallelujah) and frankly i see their point of view but i think theyre being a little too drastic.

but honestly what are they to think when their sweet lik 16 year old girl is with a 19 year old alone in HIS house...cmon... parents are naturally paranoid about this and specially if they jesus lovers...

my $0.02

 

[Nemesis77]

<< They say this is something God told them to do >>

 

[NetworkDad]

Let me get this straight...She's 16, your 19??? Isn't that against the law?
Another thing, she is still 16 - A MINOR - Which means she has no rights until she leaves home. Her parents house, her parents rules, and you guys broke them twice! If this is true love, as you say, it should last until she turns age 18? no?

I guarantee that at the age of 19, you wouldn't even be dating my daugter if she was 16. I've got a gun and a shovel, and i know how to use them both.


Just my .02

 

[PrinceofWands]

Wow, I don't know who amazes me more, the religious freaks (no offense) or the people who are freaking out about a 3 yr age gap in dating. Criminy people, it's JUST 3 YEARS! My parents were almost 11 yrs apart in age, and I know couples as wide split as 18 yrs (beginning when the girl was 17 and the guy was 33 btw) and they're the best relationships I've seen.

Until recent times the average age of marriage was 14, most girls gave birth by 16. Boys became responsible money earners and workers at 14-17. I mean come on...if you're gonna freak out about a 16 and 19 yr old then quite frankly you're gonna freak out about ANYTHING. I dated girls as young as 15 when I was as old as 19, and slept with a 29 yr old when I was 17. Big whoop. ~didn't have sex with the 15 yr old btw~ Age is largely meaningless...especially if you're dealing with responsible people.

Rather than force our children to live years alone, or drifting the dating scene, why not encourage them to find someone they truly connect with?

I have a daughter and if she wants to date a 19 yr old when she's 16, fine...as long as they're responsible (as responsible as possible for teens) and honest with me I have no complaints.

Kids aren't porceline figures and they're not stupid, nor weak. Modern attitudes are really beginning to make me nervous for our future.

 

[DougyDanger]

As a Christian I can see where you are both coming from. However being removed from the situation I can look at it a bit more objectively.

First as Christians we are to obey our parents. Its clear she did not. Now for arguments sake I won't hold you accountable to them. Since you clearly knew the rules, its up to you to make sure she follows them. What kind of leader will you be in a marriage if you can't be strong enough to get her to follow some simple rule established by her parents. If it were your daughter would you want her to be with such a guy?

When you guys first broke the rules her parents established some new more explicit rules. You had a chance to show the both of you were mature enough to could handle a close relationship, but you blew it. Then when you broke the rules again they needed to step in and do something. They gave you both a few chances, and you guys blew it. You showed them that you are not mature enough to hold her accountable to her parents. They needed to step in and do something more drastic. Is it to punish you and her? Hardly. Its to protect you. They gave you lots (relatively for a Christian family, non-christians would probably find this all very odd) of rope, you two hung yourselves with it. They are trying to avoid any kind of trouble. People in love do things that don't make sense. Very devout Christians have made big mistakes when left alone. I know one couple who slept together once, and now have a daughter. They had to get married before they were ready (she was still in college and now can't finish b/c she wants to be a stay at home mother). Couples (again applies to christiann or like minded couples) need to either be very mature/strong to avoid the sexual pressure that comes in a relationship. If you could not be trusted to tell her she needs to leave, how can her parents trust you to say "no" or to resist any temptations you may have? Telling a girl to leave, or just going out someplace else, is much easier than stopping things once the hormones get going. Her parents have every reason not to trust you.


Now as for them not wanting her to contact you. I can't say I'm against it. She is 16, she WILL change. Will that mean you two will drift apart? Maybe, maybe not. I know couples who were engaged (she 18, he 25) young who split up. But I also know couples who got married who were young when they met. My sister met her boyfriend when she was 18, he 24 (and they are happily married 6 years now). My pastor was 27 and his future wife was 17 when they met, however he waited for her to graduate college before he ever expressed any interest. The youth pastor I work with was 25 and his future wife was 18 when they met. They waited for 5 years before they got married and during that time he lived alone and she with her parents. THEY made the rules that were much like the ones your gf's parents established. Why? To make sure they did not even 'give the apperance of evil' (biblical). Plus, they knew that they needed to develop good habits of responsibility. My point? relationships started early can last, but not all. All the people involved at the time were sure they met the one. However after time and growth they were able to see if that was really true. So don't fret, if she's the one for you it won't matter. The time apart will only help the two of you. You'll both grown and won't make any mistakes you can regret for a lifetime. She's young. She needs to grow up before she can handle a serious relationship. Maybe she'll grow away from you. If so, better now than after you are married. If not your relationship will be stronger.

The bottom line is her parents are required by God to watch out for her. The two of you didn't handle the responsibility you were given, they need to watch out for her. She has not shown much respect for her parents. You two willfully broke their rules, and likewise Gods rules. How many times and to what extent would you like them to tolerate your sin (yes, its sin)? Sneaking a phone call? A visit? Getting her pregnant? Let her grown and mature as she needs to. In the meantime you need to grown a bit too. You need to see that she was in a situation that could be very bad for both of you and she was not obeying her parents. You were not able to hold her accountable. Look at her best interests, right now they are more important than all the 'we need to be together stuff'. Yout tried that already and proved the two of you are not ready.

OK, the beating is over. On a more 'sensitive' note. A marriage requires a lot of spiritual discipline to make it work. Consider this a time to spend with God working on your realtionship with Him. Then when the time comes for you to marry (anyone) you'll be all the better for it. You'll be much better prepared for the hard times that come in a marriage. Plus her parents may see you grow and will be more open to you two being together.

 

[eakers]

ive seen this happen a bazillion times, the parents think what they are doing is the right thing and she does indeed need to be punished but not allowing her to see or talk to a boy she thinks shes in love with will drive her away from them.

maybe they should have faith that the morals that they brought her up with will stay with her instead of sheltering her from the world.

there isnt much you can do besides talking to her parents, though i doubt they will listen to anything you say.

*kat. <-- sad for you.

 

[IgoByte]

She's only 16. It was a good decision on their end, although probably a little extreme. I'm not sure how, at 16, she can possibly know that she truly loves you, nevermind wants to spend her life with you?
As a matter of fact, what they did opens a very nice window for you. You can be romantic and spontaneous and sqeeuze in quality time with her, while holding out and not going too fast. Moving too fast in a relationship isn't good anyway, so what they did will most likely benefit all of you. . .[if used correctly].

 

[GasX]

You realize that you are 4 inches from being a statutory rapist, right?

 

[BDawg]

The punishment may have been overly harsh, but she's 16! She's not an adult, and even though you're 19, neither are you.

I'm sure they're worried about their daughter being involved so seriously (marriage???) with someone else so young. Very rarely can people so young make good decisions about permanent fixtures in their life.

I don't have any numbers, but I remember hearing that most high school age romances that lead to marriage, also lead to divorce.

If you really love her, this is not a big deal. She will be there for you in the future and you'll both feel the same for her. Her parents are probably giving her a cooling off period so she doesn't make any rash decisions.

My wife and I dated for 5 years before we got married.

 

[Ultima]

Hell no, she's 16 and they're treating her like she's friggen' 12 years old or something. 16 is even a legal age to get married at, I think. She's certainly old enough to make up her own mind about what she wants to do with you in YOUR relationship, not her parent's relationship!!



<< Hey everybody, I want to tell you a little story, it wont take long, I promise. So me and my girlfriend, age 16 (I'm 19) have been seeing each other for six months. I love her a lot, and we are both still virgins. So I live on my own and she lives with her parents. I am a Christian and so is her family. She is perfect for me and I am finished looking for a female in my life, I am positive (and for me, that's amazing) POSITIVE this is the one I'm going to marry someday. Anyways, her parents became concerned when we started breaking rules, such as curfew, talking on the phone late, and her coming over to my house (which was not allowed unless we had permission from them). She became grounded for a month early on in our relationship because, after her birthday party, I hung out with her in her bedroom (with the door closed) until 3am, discussing problems we were having, and her friends from the party were out in the other room watching a movie, with her sister. Her mother was displeased with this and grounded her for a month. More recently she has been grounded for two weeks for disobedience and after that spout her parents wanted to have a little chat with me. They gave me a list of rules. The rules were basic, no talking on the phone after 10pm, no internet for her after 11pm, no being in her room with the door closed, and she wasnt allowed to come over to my house, period. So after this, about five days after actually, things were going fine until my girlfriend had a half day in school and decided to drop bye after school. I was still asleep. She came in and hung out, I wanted to tell her to leave because I knew the risk, but did not. I love spending time with her and she makes me so happy. So we hung out for an hour or so and we get a knock on the door. Her Mom showed up and told her to drive home. I knew this was going to be bad. So her parents decided to take her car away indefinately, and her phone and modem. They also said that she was not grounded, she could use the community phone, but she was not allowed to call, email, write, or see me, Period. So what do you think. They say this is something God told them to do, and that someday maybe we can be together, but right now they said they want my girlfriend to grow without me and mature until she can handle our relationship and respect her parents at the same time. I dont buy this. I respect their decision, but no guy that loves a girl is going to want to just cut himself out of her life until some unknown later date, that's not fair to her. I promised her I'd always be there for her. So what do you all think i should do? Do you think they made the right decision? Thanks for all your help. >>

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

Her: 16, which means underage, still living at home, presumably still depending on them for food, shelter, etc. She's fully aware of what her parents expect from her and yet she chooses to disrespect them by blatantly doing something they've asked her not to do.

Her parents: obviously very involved in their daughter's life (not a bad thing), willing to be unpopular and punish her if they think she violated their trust or went against their beliefs. They get extra bonus points for being absolutely crystal clear about what they consider acceptable and what isn't (some parents enforce a sort of nebulous set of rules).

You: an adult having a relationship with a minor (albeit a non-sexual one so far) who is apparently encouraging her to flaunt her parents rules. You stated that you knew she shouldn't be at your house, yet you didn't say anything because you wanted to spend time with her. Forgive me for sounding harsh, but that was selfish - you knew if she got caught she'd get punished, based on past experience. So why not send her home and tell her that you guys need to play it cool and follow the rules until her parents trust you a little more?

I think you've both earned her parents' distrust. Neither one of you is respecting what they're asking at all - whether or not it's reasonable for them to expect those things from her is their business. As long as she's a minor and they're responsible for her, they can have her wear a nun's habit if they want to. I don't think it's a good idea to start piling rules on teenagers, but perhaps if she was better about following the basic rules, they wouldn't be adding on the extras.

If you love her that much, then be patient and see her when it's not going to get either of you in trouble. If you end up marrying her someday, keep in mind these parents that you're disrespecting now are going to be your in-laws and the grandparents of your children. It wouldn't hurt for you to act maturely and have a civilized discussion with them about how you can go about making the relationship with them better; you'd have a chance to show them how much you care about their daughter and they'd be able to tell you what they need you to do. It sounds like they're pretty good about being specific.

When you're an adult dating a minor, it's a whole different ballgame than if you were 16 too. I don't think I'd be too thrilled if my 16-yr. old daughter was dating a 19-yr. old either - give her parents some credit for at least not forbidding her to see you at all.

 

[UltraQuiet]

Don't let the other children on this board somehow pursuade you to do something stupid. She is 16, she is their daughter. You both had a chance to do things the way they want it done. You blew it. It is not for you or the other children on this board to decide if they were right or wrong. That is irrelevant. The mature/adult thing to do now would be to go to them and apologize and ask for another chance. I can almost guarantee that they will have a lot more respect for you then. The trust will come in time as they come to know you better. The biggest mistake you both could make at this point would be to take the advice of the children in this thread and ignore her parents. In the end that never turns out good.

 

[GasX]

<< Don't let the other children on this board somehow pursuade you to do something stupid. She is 16, she is their daughter. You both had a chance to do things the way they want it done. You blew it. It is not for you or the other children on this board to decide if they were right or wrong. That is irrelevant. The mature/adult thing to do now would be to go to them and apologize and ask for another chance. I can almost guarantee that they will have a lot more respect for you then. The trust will come in time as they come to know you better. The biggest mistake you both could make at this point would be to take the advice of the children in this thread and ignore her parents. In the end that never turns out good. >>

This is excellent advice. If you want to win their respect and subsequently the right to see their daughter again, go see them personally. It's time to go Old School and ask for permission. Demonstrate some maturity and respect and it might work for you.

 

[IgoByte]

<< Her: 16, which means underage, still living at home, presumably still depending on them for food, shelter, etc. She's fully aware of what her parents expect from her and yet she chooses to disrespect them by blatantly doing something they've asked her not to do.

Her parents: obviously very involved in their daughter's life (not a bad thing), willing to be unpopular and punish her if they think she violated their trust or went against their beliefs. They get extra bonus points for being absolutely crystal clear about what they consider acceptable and what isn't (some parents enforce a sort of nebulous set of rules).

You: an adult having a relationship with a minor (albeit a non-sexual one so far) who is apparently encouraging her to flaunt her parents rules. You stated that you knew she shouldn't be at your house, yet you didn't say anything because you wanted to spend time with her. Forgive me for sounding harsh, but that was selfish - you knew if she got caught she'd get punished, based on past experience. So why not send her home and tell her that you guys need to play it cool and follow the rules until her parents trust you a little more?

I think you've both earned her parents' distrust. Neither one of you is respecting what they're asking at all - whether or not it's reasonable for them to expect those things from her is their business. As long as she's a minor and they're responsible for her, they can have her wear a nun's habit if they want to. I don't think it's a good idea to start piling rules on teenagers, but perhaps if she was better about following the basic rules, they wouldn't be adding on the extras.

If you love her that much, then be patient and see her when it's not going to get either of you in trouble. If you end up marrying her someday, keep in mind these parents that you're disrespecting now are going to be your in-laws and the grandparents of your children. It wouldn't hurt for you to act maturely and have a civilized discussion with them about how you can go about making the relationship with them better; you'd have a chance to show them how much you care about their daughter and they'd be able to tell you what they need you to do. It sounds like they're pretty good about being specific.

When you're an adult dating a minor, it's a whole different ballgame than if you were 16 too. I don't think I'd be too thrilled if my 16-yr. old daughter was dating a 19-yr. old either - give her parents some credit for at least not forbidding her to see you at all. >>



Hmmmmm...Very nice reply.

 

[IgoByte]

<< after her birthday party, I hung out with her in her bedroom (with the door closed) until 3am, discussing problems we were having >>



This alone is totally overstepping all boundaries, IMO. It was her birthday and she was in her room closed up with you, while her sister was tending to her guests!?!?!?
And her parents actually allowed this to happen? Until 3AM!?!?!?

If they allowed this to happen, I think her parents are actually very linient and have good reason to not allow you two to date.

You should definitely talk to her parents and most of all set an example for her to go by, by doing this in front of her maybe. Don't close her parents out of this, no matter what they tell you.

 

[linuxboy]

Hell no, she's 16 and they're treating her like she's friggen' 12 years old or something. 16 is even a legal age to get married at, I think. She's certainly old enough to make up her own mind about what she wants to do with you in YOUR relationship, not her parent's relationship!!

Ok, so community norms in this case dictate individual differences? I don't quite follow. Because societal conditioning specify roles for age groups, they are somehow absolute? That's not exactly how one develops, unless nearly every single theorist in childhood psychology has been wrong. Sometimes, what is "acceptable" is not prudent nor is it the best long-term solution.

what are you getting at when you say to go deeper?

Self reflection uncovers that which is hidden from sight: that is the depth and darkness of one's own mind. Or to use a scripture analogy, the person must clean out his/her house before inviting in the Lover/Kyrios and if that house is not guarded, it will be messy again and become ravaged by looters. The rest of my post was probably nonsense, see my sig, I have a disclaimer.

I think you have the best answer to this situation already. The hard part is acting on it.

Cheers !

 

[GL]

This is a case of bad parenting meets standard innocent teenage naivity.

First off, you're 19. At that age, every serious relationship looks like marriage material. I know mine did. I was in the same situation - I was a couple of months more than 2 years older than my ex-girlfriend. And wedding bells were ringing. You're normal, but all I can say is you've got to be able to walk before you run. At your age, you're at the relationship-equivalent of learning how to crawl.

The problem with her parents is that they wouldn't trust themselves if they were in your shoes - and since they are all religious, they assume nobody can be better than them. Especially not somebody younger. So they use themselves as evidence to cast judgment on you. You have a problem. Your girlfriend refuses to be assertive enough to grow a spine and tell her parents to loosen the reigns. And her parents are completely unreasonable. Don't bother talking with them unless they approach you first. They clearly think very low of you right now and unless you like being spoken down to and judged upon what you might do in the future instead of what you have clearly NOT done in the past, you'll probably come out of it frustrated. Except, you'll be frustrated and have received a stern warning to stay away from her.

This has nothing to do with religion. I grew up in a Catholic household and went to a Catholic school my entire life and neither the school nor my parents were as unreasonable as this. Religion is often the excuse parents like this use as a reason to backup their lack of trust in their own kids. But I digress...

Personally, I'd avoid the situation and find somebody with a more inviting family. But that's just my opinion and I know you're not going to follow it because if I were in your shoes I wouldn't.

 

[Jerboy]

16 and 19?? thats quite an age difference when you're a teen... Alot changes in that three years.

 

[fatalbert]

that sucks,

bad decision I respect that they are doing this for her good (they think)

but they are overprotective and that can have negative consequences later (I've seen it happen)

 

[Lalakai]

the decision/reaction was a bit harsh, but they had also identified rules and guidelines.

sorry but at 19 and 16 you both still have a great deal to learn about yourselves and each other; if you can't be responsible enough to follow simple rules, will you be responsible enough to follow the more stringent requirements involved with serious/marriage type relationships. Regardless of what happened or didn't happen between you and your gf when you were in her room and when she was at your house, her parents trusted you to follow their guidelines.

Once you've settled down and have your own children, mentally revisit this issue and ask yourself again, the same questions you are asking now, and see how much you've grown and learned; perhaps you're one of the fortunate few who already have that knowledge and your evaluations of this situation wouldn't change. But I think it will.

 

[Viper GTS]

Bad parenting? Right or wrong? What kind of crack are you people smoking?

She's 16 years old! She's a minor, still a little girl in the eyes of the law (and should be in the eyes of ceLLriOT too. She is under her parents' authority, and for good reason. She's obviously too immature to make wise decisions on her own, & her boyfriend isn't helping matters.

My advice?

1) Apologize to her parents, ask for another chance.
2) If granted, do things right this time! Follow their rules, don't encourage her to rebel, & be completely honest in all your dealings with her parents.

You might find (strangely enough) that you have their blessing rather than being forbidden to speak to her.

Bottom line is you're being stupid, immature, & you're threatening your relationship with the girl you want to marry. If you really want to marry her you'll play by the rules set by the ones in charge.

And that isn't you.

Viper GTS

 

[ceLLriOT]

Thanks for all the advice guys and gals. I resisted the temptation to go see her today after her parents dropped her off at school, and I am off to work. Today she will get the email I sent her at school, so I should have some news. But I still think I need to go see her this one last time to tell her some things before I decide to completely cut off communication.

 

[Isla]

As the mother of a 14 year old daughter with a 17 year old boyfriend, I think that your girlfriend's parents are trying to be patient and understanding while they finish the job of raising their child.

The two of you knew it was wrong to be alone in her bedroom with the door closed until 3AM. Heck, you are lucky her dad didn't get out the shotgun! Her parents made the mistake of not paying attention to what you all were doing, but you should not have taken advantage of their inattention.

My daughter's boyfriend is very respectful of our house rules and understands that she is really still a child in many ways. We LIKE him very much because of this, and we are supportive of him. In fact, my husband has been teaching him how to make repairs on his car on the weekends, so that he won't have to depend on others to keep his car in shape. We are already thinking of ways we can help him in the future, because it looks like he is going to have to pay his own way through college. In essence, he is becoming part of our family. He shares our values and responds to us with respect and affection. We would be proud to have him as a son in law one day, if he and our daughter continue down the path they are on. We LIKE him because he has made the effort to get to know us, respect us, and communicate with us. Heck, he does yardwork with us! He understands and values us as a family that existed before he came into the picture and will continue on no matter what the future holds for him and our daughter.

What you need to understand is that your girlfriend's family is part of the package. If you are really serious about this girl, you had better make peace with her family because they are not going to go away. It sounds like you are more inclined to challenge them than to work with them on their terms... and as long as she's a minor, their terms are THE terms you must work within.

Even if your girlfriend grows up and moves far away from her family, she will still be strongly influenced by her upbringing. Her family and childhood is part of who she is and will always be something you'll have to deal with. You can't fight that... you have to work with it in an understanding and respectful way.

I hope that this gives you some insight into the situation. You really need to try to see it from the bigger picture, which included much more than just you and your girlfriend. If you want to look at it from a spiritual/religious point of view, then consider the Fruits of the Spirit. I tend to make judgements about situations and people based on what the 'fruit' is. Produce good fruit and should you have nothing to worry about... just remember that good fruit includes patience and self-control.