I don't agree with what they did but they have the right to make a decision like that simply because they are her parents and she is underage. i know its tough, but you should try talking to her parents about the decision. you also need to talk to her because she is the one that jeapordized the relationship by not following the rules.
I think it is utterly hillarious how everyone says "at 16 and 19 you are both immature, stupid, don't know whats good for you, and don't know the first things about a real relationship". What these people fail to realize is there is only 3 ways to learn about a real relationship:
1) Observation - You first learn about things by observing someone else doing them which allows you to attempt to mimic them.
2) Taught - This is like observation, but has someone guiding you directly (where as observation might be indirect) and correcting your mistakes before you learn bad habbits.
3) Self Experience - The greatest method of learning and the only way to learn after you have been properly trained is through experience.
Now. In our culture, to my knowledge, we don't actively go out of our way to teach people how to have mature, real relationships. This is a shame, and it leads to only 2 possible methods. Observation, which only takes you so far, and then experience. Now to sit there and say they arn't old enough to know about a real relationship and then understand that the only way to have a real relationship is through experience is quite the idiotic paradox.
I say if she is mature enough and old enough to drive then she is old enough to go over a guys house directly after school and say hi. My sister was living away from home at the age of 15! She was at college by the age of 17. Why can't some of you people face the fact that by 16 most people are capable of being mature and responsible. And don't blaim her breaking her parents rules as irresponsible, it is obvious those rules were impossible to work within. Overbearing, illogical rules are made to be broken.
I also love the argument that since she is 16 she has no say. Isn't it odd that we live in a country that is big on democracy yet so many households love to be ruled like the middle ages are still in existence. By some of your peoples standards it would be best to be born at age 18 then it would to be forced to live under your roof for 18 years waiting until I am able to think on my own. I am glad my parents understood democracy in the household a little bit better.
The funny thing is the fact that her parents forcing her away from you will probably just make her rebel even more. And instead of seeking a relationship with another christian who likes to have heartfelt conversations with her at 3am. She may seek the companionship of a guy who just wants to get in her pants 24/7. Who is worse? Believe it or not, 16 year olds yearn for attention just like the rest of us.
Do whatever you can to stay in touch, write her letters etc. Looks like she needs someone to talk to right now.
Edit: I agree with your family point Isla, but I think it is a 2 way street. Your family sounds like it has welcomed and trusted your daughter's bf, making him feel comfortable in your household. While Cell's gf's parents seem the opposite. I think feeling welcomed is a huge part of how well someone responds under your household.
Also, Cell it stinks that you are cutting ties off with her
. I hope you at least learned something to better yourself from this since you are losing the woman you loved.
1) Observation - You first learn about things by observing someone else doing them which allows you to attempt to mimic them.
2) Taught - This is like observation, but has someone guiding you directly (where as observation might be indirect) and correcting your mistakes before you learn bad habbits.
3) Self Experience - The greatest method of learning and the only way to learn after you have been properly trained is through experience.
Now. In our culture, to my knowledge, we don't actively go out of our way to teach people how to have mature, real relationships. This is a shame, and it leads to only 2 possible methods. Observation, which only takes you so far, and then experience. Now to sit there and say they arn't old enough to know about a real relationship and then understand that the only way to have a real relationship is through experience is quite the idiotic paradox.
I say if she is mature enough and old enough to drive then she is old enough to go over a guys house directly after school and say hi. My sister was living away from home at the age of 15! She was at college by the age of 17. Why can't some of you people face the fact that by 16 most people are capable of being mature and responsible. And don't blaim her breaking her parents rules as irresponsible, it is obvious those rules were impossible to work within. Overbearing, illogical rules are made to be broken.
I also love the argument that since she is 16 she has no say. Isn't it odd that we live in a country that is big on democracy yet so many households love to be ruled like the middle ages are still in existence. By some of your peoples standards it would be best to be born at age 18 then it would to be forced to live under your roof for 18 years waiting until I am able to think on my own. I am glad my parents understood democracy in the household a little bit better.
The funny thing is the fact that her parents forcing her away from you will probably just make her rebel even more. And instead of seeking a relationship with another christian who likes to have heartfelt conversations with her at 3am. She may seek the companionship of a guy who just wants to get in her pants 24/7. Who is worse? Believe it or not, 16 year olds yearn for attention just like the rest of us.
Do whatever you can to stay in touch, write her letters etc. Looks like she needs someone to talk to right now.
Edit: I agree with your family point Isla, but I think it is a 2 way street. Your family sounds like it has welcomed and trusted your daughter's bf, making him feel comfortable in your household. While Cell's gf's parents seem the opposite. I think feeling welcomed is a huge part of how well someone responds under your household.
Also, Cell it stinks that you are cutting ties off with her
. I hope you at least learned something to better yourself from this since you are losing the woman you loved."They also said that she was not grounded, she could use the community phone, but she was not allowed to call, email, write, or see me, Period."
And you want her to email and see you again in spite of this? You should ask her parents if you can see her just one more time to talk a bit. Otherwise you're making the hole you're in even deeper. If it were my kid and I found out you paid her another visit, well we'd have a very man to man (and in that case I use the term loosely) talk. I'd make it very clear why you can't be trusted.
Right now you have a chance to show some maturity and respect. Blow it and they will lose even more respect for you. Honor it and you'll begin to show some of the maturity you need.
As one guy said (and my brother in law says) "I've got a shovel and a shotgun...and I like to use them both." Don't mess with daddies little girl, or you'll be posting here about how you got your legs tied behind your neck when he caught you with her again.
And you want her to email and see you again in spite of this? You should ask her parents if you can see her just one more time to talk a bit. Otherwise you're making the hole you're in even deeper. If it were my kid and I found out you paid her another visit, well we'd have a very man to man (and in that case I use the term loosely) talk. I'd make it very clear why you can't be trusted.
Right now you have a chance to show some maturity and respect. Blow it and they will lose even more respect for you. Honor it and you'll begin to show some of the maturity you need.
As one guy said (and my brother in law says) "I've got a shovel and a shotgun...and I like to use them both."
Don't mess with daddies little girl, or you'll be posting here about how you got your legs tied behind your neck when he caught you with her again. << Go play some "baseball" in their yard one night.
(break their windows man)
Make sure they can't prove anything, and keep wrecking stuff. Then, sever a horse's head, and leave it in their bed. That'll learn 'em. >>
lol, I second that one
<<
Why can't some of you people face the fact that by 16 most people are capable of being mature and responsible. And don't blaim her breaking her parents rules as irresponsible, it is obvious those rules were impossible to work within. Overbearing, illogical rules are made to be broken. >>
Impossible to work within? Don't talk past xx time? Don't go over his house alone? How exactly are those impossible? Last time I checked most phones work before 10pm and I doubt the guy's house is the only form of shelter in their area.
<< I also love the argument that since she is 16 she has no say. Isn't it odd that we live in a country that is big on democracy yet so many households love to be ruled like the middle ages are still in existence. By some of your peoples standards it would be best to be born at age 18 then it would to be forced to live under your roof for 18 years waiting until I am able to think on my own. I am glad my parents understood democracy in the household a little bit better. >>
This society does love democracy, yet we also put restrictions on it. Such as you can't vote until you are 18. While we value democracy we also know that young people aren't capable of making some decisions.
When a 16 year old girl starts disregarding her parents rules its time for them to step in more actively. Sure its PC for families to give the kids more say in what they do and such, but look what its gotten us. We don't have better families and kids, but far worse. The modern 'family' has failed. Too many parents have abdictated their role. I even see it in Christian families. The best kids I know are from very tradtional family value families. The difference is night and day. And thats vs the other suburban families. I won't even comment on the nightmare of the inner city families.
We need a follow up question to the poll. If you support the parents, how old are you and vice versa.
<< She may seek the companionship of a guy who just wants to get in her pants 24/7. >>
LOL! In my experience, that is EVERY GUY, no matter how sweet, no matter how responsible, no matter how honorable! And there is nothing wrong with that, it is perfectly understandable.
What you are missing is that we are not just talking about a boyfriend and a girlfriend. There is a family involved, and if you really love someone, you learn to accept and deal with that. You learn to work through your problems constructively, taking into consideration all parties involved, as much as possible. And THAT, my dear, is something about relationships that many don't realize... until perhaps you wake up one day and find that your spouse has turned into his or her mother or father. "How did THAT happen???" you wonder. It helps to like your partner's family in the first place if you don't want to be shocked and dismayed later on. Work on understanding and respecting the family history if you want to enjoy successful relationships. It doesn't matter if the family is 'good' or 'bad'... the point is, the family (or lack of one) IS and has an emotional impact on the individual and all their relationships.
We subconsiously follow relationship 'schemas' based on what we see growing up, so if you want to have successful relationships, you better learn to deal with mom and dad issues up front. They tend to linger long after mom and dad are dead and buried. If you want to love someone, learn to understand and respect where they come from.
<---very experienced
<< I also love the argument that since she is 16 she has no say. Isn't it odd that we live in a country that is big on democracy yet so many households love to be ruled like the middle ages are still in existence. By some of your peoples standards it would be best to be born at age 18 then it would to be forced to live under your roof for 18 years waiting until I am able to think on my own. I am glad my parents understood democracy in the household a little bit better. >>
A household is not intended as a democracy, parental decisions to not have to be ratified by popular vote.
Viper GTS
We subconsiously follow relationship 'schemas' based on what we see growing up
Although you're right about that, it can be broken and changed but it takes much, much, much , much effort and reflection. There is a certain pause between stimulus and response. What am I talking 'bout here?... Have you found a good solution yet ceLLriOT? If not, post your thoughts and we will try to do some analysis. There are some very sharp people on these boards. /me waves to Isla.
Cheers !
Although you're right about that, it can be broken and changed but it takes much, much, much , much effort and reflection. There is a certain pause between stimulus and response. What am I talking 'bout here?... Have you found a good solution yet ceLLriOT? If not, post your thoughts and we will try to do some analysis. There are some very sharp people on these boards. /me waves to Isla.
Cheers !
<< A household is not intended as a democracy, parental decisions to not have to be ratified by popular vote >>
No, but it is possible for the parents to loose the Mandate of Heaven. Dynasties come and go at the mercy of the gods... um er... I mean the Social Contract. Pardon me, I forgot what I was going to write.
The fact that the parents in this case told the girl that 'God' told them to keep her away from bf is total bs in my opinion. They should just be honest - (1) They probably don't want her having a sexual relationship when she is 16. (2) She's still 16. A lot can happen between then and the end of college. People change and that's something to be considered.
If the 16 year old girl were my daughter, I would allow her to date u, but I would also demand that she be home by midnight or even sooner.
When I was 17, I fancied a very cute 15 year old. The only problem was that she was from a conservative Christian family and I wasn't allowed to date her. We coresponded by email and instant messanger for awhile, but the emails stopped and I never heard from her again... one of the great mysteries I have always wanted to solve - what ever happened? <X-files theme plays in background> Did I mention that I love investigations?
dude... you guys are YOUNG. I'd hate to say it, but you and your girl still have a alot of growing up to do. there are going to be alot of big changes in both your lives. I know plenty of people have said this already, but you guys are still in your infant stages of relationships. The person you are now, and the person you will be in 5 years will probably be complete different in terms of how you view relationships. Hell, i'm 23 and I'll probably have a completely different take on relationship a few years from now.
I hope everything turns out for the best. There is some good advice in this thread. Please read with care.
I hope everything turns out for the best. There is some good advice in this thread. Please read with care.
HomeBrewerDude
Lifer
- Jan 18, 2001
- 14,465
- 1
- 0
If she was my daughter, I would be concerned that 1) she is dating a 19 year old and 2) she is unable to follow the rules.
If you were my son, I would be concerned that 1) you are dating a girl who still has a lot of growing up to do and 2) that you are stressing out of this.
If you guys can't keep your relationship within the boundaries set by her parents then you can only expect conflict. Thats what you get when you date a girl still a sophomore in HS.
I would suspect that there are some real issues b/t her and her parents. She might be using your relationship as a way fo testing their boundaries, or otherwise rebelling against their authority. Stop praying for God to change their attitudes because they are only acting in their daughters best interest. Instead, start trying to understand the relationship from a more mature perspective.
If you were my son, I would be concerned that 1) you are dating a girl who still has a lot of growing up to do and 2) that you are stressing out of this.
If you guys can't keep your relationship within the boundaries set by her parents then you can only expect conflict. Thats what you get when you date a girl still a sophomore in HS.
I would suspect that there are some real issues b/t her and her parents. She might be using your relationship as a way fo testing their boundaries, or otherwise rebelling against their authority. Stop praying for God to change their attitudes because they are only acting in their daughters best interest. Instead, start trying to understand the relationship from a more mature perspective.
<< what are you getting at when you say to go deeper?
Self reflection uncovers that which is hidden from sight: that is the depth and darkness of one's own mind. Or to use a scripture analogy, the person must clean out his/her house before inviting in the Lover/Kyrios and if that house is not guarded, it will be messy again and become ravaged by looters. The rest of my post was probably nonsense, see my sig, I have a disclaimer. >>
OK, what is the Lover/Kyrios linuxboy?
If you are refering to the Holy Spirit, I would really like to see a scripture reference.
Ryan
They are being a little too harsh. You should go and talk to them about it and apologize for breaking the rules that they have laid down for her. Or you could just sneak over to her house and do stuff with her. Maybe you could buy her a cell phone and then call her on it whenever you want to talk to her.
<< Thanks for all the advice guys and gals. I resisted the temptation to go see her today after her parents dropped her off at school, and I am off to work. Today she will get the email I sent her at school, so I should have some news. But I still think I need to go see her this one last time to tell her some things before I decide to completely cut off communication. >>
Once again i must call you a spineless loser. Sorry i can't help it, that's all i can think of you after reading your posts. LOSER!
<< They're overprotective. and the "God said so" line is bull crap. >>
Yeah I agree totally. Her parents should not have done that. You should go talk to her parents and tell her the whole situation and how much you want to be with her, etc., etc. Maybe show them this thread.:|
Dougy,
<< Impossible to work within? Don't talk past xx time? Don't go over his house alone? How exactly are those impossible? Last time I checked most phones work before 10pm and I doubt the guy's house is the only form of shelter in their area. >>
Ok, fair enough, the rules weren't impossible to follow just hard for him to enforce. The parents basically wanted him to kick her out of his house if she ever came to visit. How many friends have you ever kicked out of your house when they came to visit? Me? None. I'm basing this on the fact that she went over his house after school (*GASP*) and visited at which time the mom came over too and flipped. If a girl came over my house the last thing I would do is go "uhm, your mom said you can't come over, go away!" (great way to build a relationship)
<< This society does love democracy, yet we also put restrictions on it. Such as you can't vote until you are 18. While we value democracy we also know that young people aren't capable of making some decisions. >>
I would consider voting a priveledge and sometimes even a burden. I would consider a basic relationship to be a need for a healthy person. We are a race that requires interaction and communication.
<< When a 16 year old girl starts disregarding her parents rules its time for them to step in more actively. Sure its PC for families to give the kids more say in what they do and such, but look what its gotten us. >>
When a 16 year old starts disregarding her parents rules it is time to look at the rules and ask why. I agree with your actively part but I disagree with your how and why. Disregard = discontent. Find the root of the problem and you will have the complete solution. The root of the problem could be lack of attention to your daughter, her need for another person to console in (most people like having someone to talk to who isn't their overbearing parents), or she could be just rebelling against the rules already in place. Saying 'we just need to get more traditional' is NOT a solution to the problem and you are a fool to believe so. Being traditional is just a way to cover up problems in fear and burden.
<< We need a follow up question to the poll. If you support the parents, how old are you and vice versa. >>
I'm 20, does that ruin my credibility in your traditional world?
Isla,
<< LOL! In my experience, that is EVERY GUY, no matter how sweet, no matter how responsible, no matter how honorable! >>
No offense but it sounds like you being 'very experienced' has made you 'very jaded'. I doubt I would want to get in your pants but I bet I wouldn't mind getting to know you.
<< It doesn't matter if the family is 'good' or 'bad'... the point is, the family (or lack of one) IS and has an emotional impact on the individual and all their relationships. >>
The family is not an ABSOLUTE. What if you loved a girl whose dad was a drunk who was in prison for beating his wife. Would you be forced to have to 'get to know him' before you could truly love his daughter? His daughter would probably require mental therapy, but that doesn't mean you couldn't love her while hating her dad. The fact is, as I stated before, the family is a 2 way street. For you to accept the family, the family has to accept you. And by the sounds of it, her family was hoping and waiting for her & him to screw up so they could yank out the relationship. They didn't want her dating him from day 1 no doubt. If he farted wrong they probably would have told him not to call her again. Needless to say, there are people who break ties completely with their family and have many relationships afterwards that never gain the approval of the family. This is because the family is an optional variable.
<< We subconsiously follow relationship 'schemas' based on what we see growing up, so if you want to have successful relationships, you better learn to deal with mom and dad issues up front. >>
You only deal with something subconciously if you refuse to bring it to light conciously. I can tell you right now, my relationships will never be like my dad and moms. I've said this in the past and proven I can change the way I was taught in the past as well (Eating habits, general fitness, everything my dad taught me basically). Nothing is carved in stone.
ViperGTS,
<< A household is not intended as a democracy, parental decisions to not have to be ratified by popular vote. >>
A household is intended to be what you make of it. If you choose it not to be a democracy then that is your own choice. But don't pretend there is only 1 way to run a household (because there isn't). Being close minded to the issues of your children is stupidity and a way to feed those problems long into their life.
Misc,
Those who say they (the boy and girl) will grow and change, understand you grow and change through experience. Don't you realize how hypocritical it is for you to say she will grow and change and then advocate her parents sheltering her? If you took a 16 year old and locked her an empty white room until she was 20 she would barely change. The only thing that would change would be her outlook on life based on what you did to her for the past 4 years(locked her in her room) and her ability to refine what she already learned (by looking back at her past experiences). She wouldn't learn anything new. By having these experiences is how she learns! To relate to yourself and say how you have grown and changed since past relationships you are acknowledging that those relationships helped you grow and change. Ah, now we are getting somewhere.
Now understanding that she grows and changes through experience, I am not saying she should go out and have sex with 100 guys. But I am talking about this relationship as it is currently. I didn't read anything that cell posted that was anything other than harmless. She spends time talking with him (OOOH NOOO). If she was going over his house to have sex, drink booze, and inject herself with heroine. I would say she is hurting herself at the expense of experience. If her grades are suffering because of this relationship, then boundaries need to be followed. But those boundaries should be set correctly, which would not be what her parents did. IE: The boundaries should be geared at her grades and not at her relationship. They should set rules where she checks in with them after school, shows them her homework, etc. Because chances are if her grades are slipping due to her relationship, they will continue to slip afterwards (Due to lack of priority to homework).
Sorry if this is a large rant.
<< Impossible to work within? Don't talk past xx time? Don't go over his house alone? How exactly are those impossible? Last time I checked most phones work before 10pm and I doubt the guy's house is the only form of shelter in their area. >>
Ok, fair enough, the rules weren't impossible to follow just hard for him to enforce. The parents basically wanted him to kick her out of his house if she ever came to visit. How many friends have you ever kicked out of your house when they came to visit? Me? None. I'm basing this on the fact that she went over his house after school (*GASP*) and visited at which time the mom came over too and flipped. If a girl came over my house the last thing I would do is go "uhm, your mom said you can't come over, go away!" (great way to build a relationship)
<< This society does love democracy, yet we also put restrictions on it. Such as you can't vote until you are 18. While we value democracy we also know that young people aren't capable of making some decisions. >>
I would consider voting a priveledge and sometimes even a burden. I would consider a basic relationship to be a need for a healthy person. We are a race that requires interaction and communication.
<< When a 16 year old girl starts disregarding her parents rules its time for them to step in more actively. Sure its PC for families to give the kids more say in what they do and such, but look what its gotten us. >>
When a 16 year old starts disregarding her parents rules it is time to look at the rules and ask why. I agree with your actively part but I disagree with your how and why. Disregard = discontent. Find the root of the problem and you will have the complete solution. The root of the problem could be lack of attention to your daughter, her need for another person to console in (most people like having someone to talk to who isn't their overbearing parents), or she could be just rebelling against the rules already in place. Saying 'we just need to get more traditional' is NOT a solution to the problem and you are a fool to believe so. Being traditional is just a way to cover up problems in fear and burden.
<< We need a follow up question to the poll. If you support the parents, how old are you and vice versa. >>
I'm 20, does that ruin my credibility in your traditional world?
Isla,
<< LOL! In my experience, that is EVERY GUY, no matter how sweet, no matter how responsible, no matter how honorable! >>
No offense but it sounds like you being 'very experienced' has made you 'very jaded'. I doubt I would want to get in your pants but I bet I wouldn't mind getting to know you.
<< It doesn't matter if the family is 'good' or 'bad'... the point is, the family (or lack of one) IS and has an emotional impact on the individual and all their relationships. >>
The family is not an ABSOLUTE. What if you loved a girl whose dad was a drunk who was in prison for beating his wife. Would you be forced to have to 'get to know him' before you could truly love his daughter? His daughter would probably require mental therapy, but that doesn't mean you couldn't love her while hating her dad. The fact is, as I stated before, the family is a 2 way street. For you to accept the family, the family has to accept you. And by the sounds of it, her family was hoping and waiting for her & him to screw up so they could yank out the relationship. They didn't want her dating him from day 1 no doubt. If he farted wrong they probably would have told him not to call her again. Needless to say, there are people who break ties completely with their family and have many relationships afterwards that never gain the approval of the family. This is because the family is an optional variable.
<< We subconsiously follow relationship 'schemas' based on what we see growing up, so if you want to have successful relationships, you better learn to deal with mom and dad issues up front. >>
You only deal with something subconciously if you refuse to bring it to light conciously. I can tell you right now, my relationships will never be like my dad and moms. I've said this in the past and proven I can change the way I was taught in the past as well (Eating habits, general fitness, everything my dad taught me basically). Nothing is carved in stone.
ViperGTS,
<< A household is not intended as a democracy, parental decisions to not have to be ratified by popular vote. >>
A household is intended to be what you make of it. If you choose it not to be a democracy then that is your own choice. But don't pretend there is only 1 way to run a household (because there isn't). Being close minded to the issues of your children is stupidity and a way to feed those problems long into their life.
Misc,
Those who say they (the boy and girl) will grow and change, understand you grow and change through experience. Don't you realize how hypocritical it is for you to say she will grow and change and then advocate her parents sheltering her? If you took a 16 year old and locked her an empty white room until she was 20 she would barely change. The only thing that would change would be her outlook on life based on what you did to her for the past 4 years(locked her in her room) and her ability to refine what she already learned (by looking back at her past experiences). She wouldn't learn anything new. By having these experiences is how she learns! To relate to yourself and say how you have grown and changed since past relationships you are acknowledging that those relationships helped you grow and change. Ah, now we are getting somewhere
.Now understanding that she grows and changes through experience, I am not saying she should go out and have sex with 100 guys. But I am talking about this relationship as it is currently. I didn't read anything that cell posted that was anything other than harmless. She spends time talking with him (OOOH NOOO). If she was going over his house to have sex, drink booze, and inject herself with heroine. I would say she is hurting herself at the expense of experience. If her grades are suffering because of this relationship, then boundaries need to be followed. But those boundaries should be set correctly, which would not be what her parents did. IE: The boundaries should be geared at her grades and not at her relationship. They should set rules where she checks in with them after school, shows them her homework, etc. Because chances are if her grades are slipping due to her relationship, they will continue to slip afterwards (Due to lack of priority to homework).
Sorry if this is a large rant.
<< I'm 20, does that ruin my credibility in your traditional world? >>
Yes. You have nothing of value to add here. Grow up, have kids of your own and then come back here and give us your opinion based on some experience. Until then we are just discussing this with another child.
First off, I would like to respond to some of the advice that I liked so far in this post and let you know what's going through my head:
<<...if you look at the honest extent to which those rules could be considered fair for a girl her age, I don't think that her parents were completely in the right, either.>>
I dont think this decision is fair, but I must obide by their rules if I ever want to be a good husband to her. Her parents may not have been completely right, but I have to respect their decision.
<<... they are simply doing their best to protect their daughter from making some mistakes that are very easy commit in certain situations that they have been trying to keep the two of you out of. They might have gone a little too far with the modem thing, but nevertheless they were only trying to keep their daughter away from trouble. And as loving, concerned parents they have the right to, in fact it is their God-given responsibility to care for and discipline their children... Parents who teach their children discipline are the ones that truly love them. I do not want to make you feel any worse, but it seems like your girlfriend showed disrespect toward her parents by breaking their rules. She also broke their trust and unfortunately so did you even though you tried not to. They overreacted the way they did because the rules were broken repeatedly and they lost their trust in the two of you.>>
What my girlfriend really needs to learn is respect. The only problems we ever had in the relationship were respect problems. I had problems with her not respecting me, not telling me the whole truth, and her not respecting the relationship. I have to give her room to grow and mature. She must learn this respect and stop rebelling. I wish I could be there for her and help her in maturing, but I may have blown my chances...
<<who are you to question good or bad parental decision? >>
I am affected by their decision, so I must question it. I may or may not agree with it, but this is my decision to make. I needed guidance so I came to the forum for help.
<<They are afraid that spending as much time with each other as you do will cause you to sin, or at the very least distract you from your relationship with God. You see, here is the thing... you both are still maturing, and you are growing in your relationship with God. It is important to realize that you need time to grow/mature individually. So, what they are doing may be for the best in the long run. >>
My girlfriend has begun to lose touch with God in this time we have been spending too much time together. That may not have been my doing, but it has happened. I agree we have been destracted from growing in our relationship with God. We may have to mature individually. This is what seems to be happening and seems to be our fate.
<<Cellriot and his GF have made a mistake. Have her parents? That remains to be seen. One thing is apparent though... that is they aren't letting go. All things work for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28). Trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.>>
I dont know if her parents have made a mistake, but right now it is not my call. I must trust that God will tell me if this is wrong, and right now I see that it is the right thing to do. We spoke on the phone today and have agreed that we both will not let go. We need time to grow, but when we have done so we can be together again.
<<You showed them that you are not mature enough to hold her accountable to her parents>>
And in doing so I failed as a Christian friend. I should have been more of a leader than a partner in crime.
<<Consider this a time to spend with God working on your realtionship with Him. Then when the time comes for you to marry (anyone) you'll be all the better for it. You'll be much better prepared for the hard times that come in a marriage. Plus her parents may see you grow and will be more open to you two being together. >>
This is how I and my girlfriend are taking this time.
<<She's fully aware of what her parents expect from her and yet she chooses to disrespect them by blatantly doing something they've asked her not to do.>>
I know this, she even called me today, which was against the rules. I know I shouldnt have taken the call, but I do need to put some closure on it. I need to talk to her one last time.
<<The funny thing is the fact that her parents forcing her away from you will probably just make her rebel even more. And instead of seeking a relationship with another christian who likes to have heartfelt conversations with her at 3am. She may seek the companionship of a guy who just wants to get in her pants 24/7. Who is worse?>>
This is the one thing I worry about. I see myself as not so bad of a guy, but some of the people she surrounds herself with are way worse and could jeopardize her future. I wish I could still be in a position to help her, but I was acting as someone who could hurt her instead of following my true desires to help her in life.
<<And you want her to email and see you again in spite of this? You should ask her parents if you can see her just one more time to talk a bit. Otherwise you're making the hole you're in even deeper. If it were my kid and I found out you paid her another visit, well we'd have a very man to man (and in that case I use the term loosely) talk. I'd make it very clear why you can't be trusted. >>
I agree with this, which is why I have decided to ask her parents for one last meeting with her to discuss some things before we go off on our separate paths for a while.
So I recieved an email from her today saying that she wants to try to follow her parents' rules. Though she continues to break them. She lied to them over the weekend and got caught again. I believe that the root of all this may be in something skace said:
<<When a 16 year old starts disregarding her parents rules it is time to look at the rules and ask why. I agree with your actively part but I disagree with your how and why. Disregard = discontent. Find the root of the problem and you will have the complete solution. The root of the problem could be lack of attention to your daughter, her need for another person to console in (most people like having someone to talk to who isn't their overbearing parents), or she could be just rebelling against the rules already in place. Saying 'we just need to get more traditional' is NOT a solution to the problem and you are a fool to believe so. Being traditional is just a way to cover up problems in fear and burden.>>
But I worry that she will get on the right track. I know she wants to, but I think she needs to become "content" in some way that she is not right now. I have made my decision on what to do. I will stay away from her. I will ask her parents for one last communicatory excursion but nothing after that until I feel that God is telling me to return to her. I will strengthen my relationship with God in this time and I hope she will do the same. And I will pray that she gets rid of this discontentment and stops being a rebellious sixteen year old. I will continue to call her Mom and her friends to see how she is doing. I have decided against keeping any contact with her, because I realize that if I do that, it will provide too much temptation to do things that would be wrong. We will both sit around and mope and wish that we could be together and not focus on God. When the time comes, we may get back together again. I hope that we do and have faith that is what God has in store. I still wish I could have one more chance at being a good influence on her life. But I dont think I will get that chance. In the meantime, I will wait until the time is right, then get better associated with her parents. I must become aquianted with her past before I can become a part of her future. I will pray that this all works out, and let God do the rest. It will be hard for both of us, but we have decided to write in journals for each other that we will give to the other as soon as we get back together. That way we won't miss this part of each others' lives.
Thanks for all your help. This pretty much is the end, I might have an update later, and any more advice you have about my decision or anything is welcome and appreciated. Later guys!
<<...if you look at the honest extent to which those rules could be considered fair for a girl her age, I don't think that her parents were completely in the right, either.>>
I dont think this decision is fair, but I must obide by their rules if I ever want to be a good husband to her. Her parents may not have been completely right, but I have to respect their decision.
<<... they are simply doing their best to protect their daughter from making some mistakes that are very easy commit in certain situations that they have been trying to keep the two of you out of. They might have gone a little too far with the modem thing, but nevertheless they were only trying to keep their daughter away from trouble. And as loving, concerned parents they have the right to, in fact it is their God-given responsibility to care for and discipline their children... Parents who teach their children discipline are the ones that truly love them. I do not want to make you feel any worse, but it seems like your girlfriend showed disrespect toward her parents by breaking their rules. She also broke their trust and unfortunately so did you even though you tried not to. They overreacted the way they did because the rules were broken repeatedly and they lost their trust in the two of you.>>
What my girlfriend really needs to learn is respect. The only problems we ever had in the relationship were respect problems. I had problems with her not respecting me, not telling me the whole truth, and her not respecting the relationship. I have to give her room to grow and mature. She must learn this respect and stop rebelling. I wish I could be there for her and help her in maturing, but I may have blown my chances...
<<who are you to question good or bad parental decision? >>
I am affected by their decision, so I must question it. I may or may not agree with it, but this is my decision to make. I needed guidance so I came to the forum for help.
<<They are afraid that spending as much time with each other as you do will cause you to sin, or at the very least distract you from your relationship with God. You see, here is the thing... you both are still maturing, and you are growing in your relationship with God. It is important to realize that you need time to grow/mature individually. So, what they are doing may be for the best in the long run. >>
My girlfriend has begun to lose touch with God in this time we have been spending too much time together. That may not have been my doing, but it has happened. I agree we have been destracted from growing in our relationship with God. We may have to mature individually. This is what seems to be happening and seems to be our fate.
<<Cellriot and his GF have made a mistake. Have her parents? That remains to be seen. One thing is apparent though... that is they aren't letting go. All things work for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28). Trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.>>
I dont know if her parents have made a mistake, but right now it is not my call. I must trust that God will tell me if this is wrong, and right now I see that it is the right thing to do. We spoke on the phone today and have agreed that we both will not let go. We need time to grow, but when we have done so we can be together again.
<<You showed them that you are not mature enough to hold her accountable to her parents>>
And in doing so I failed as a Christian friend. I should have been more of a leader than a partner in crime.
<<Consider this a time to spend with God working on your realtionship with Him. Then when the time comes for you to marry (anyone) you'll be all the better for it. You'll be much better prepared for the hard times that come in a marriage. Plus her parents may see you grow and will be more open to you two being together. >>
This is how I and my girlfriend are taking this time.
<<She's fully aware of what her parents expect from her and yet she chooses to disrespect them by blatantly doing something they've asked her not to do.>>
I know this, she even called me today, which was against the rules. I know I shouldnt have taken the call, but I do need to put some closure on it. I need to talk to her one last time.
<<The funny thing is the fact that her parents forcing her away from you will probably just make her rebel even more. And instead of seeking a relationship with another christian who likes to have heartfelt conversations with her at 3am. She may seek the companionship of a guy who just wants to get in her pants 24/7. Who is worse?>>
This is the one thing I worry about. I see myself as not so bad of a guy, but some of the people she surrounds herself with are way worse and could jeopardize her future. I wish I could still be in a position to help her, but I was acting as someone who could hurt her instead of following my true desires to help her in life.
<<And you want her to email and see you again in spite of this? You should ask her parents if you can see her just one more time to talk a bit. Otherwise you're making the hole you're in even deeper. If it were my kid and I found out you paid her another visit, well we'd have a very man to man (and in that case I use the term loosely) talk. I'd make it very clear why you can't be trusted. >>
I agree with this, which is why I have decided to ask her parents for one last meeting with her to discuss some things before we go off on our separate paths for a while.
So I recieved an email from her today saying that she wants to try to follow her parents' rules. Though she continues to break them. She lied to them over the weekend and got caught again. I believe that the root of all this may be in something skace said:
<<When a 16 year old starts disregarding her parents rules it is time to look at the rules and ask why. I agree with your actively part but I disagree with your how and why. Disregard = discontent. Find the root of the problem and you will have the complete solution. The root of the problem could be lack of attention to your daughter, her need for another person to console in (most people like having someone to talk to who isn't their overbearing parents), or she could be just rebelling against the rules already in place. Saying 'we just need to get more traditional' is NOT a solution to the problem and you are a fool to believe so. Being traditional is just a way to cover up problems in fear and burden.>>
But I worry that she will get on the right track. I know she wants to, but I think she needs to become "content" in some way that she is not right now. I have made my decision on what to do. I will stay away from her. I will ask her parents for one last communicatory excursion but nothing after that until I feel that God is telling me to return to her. I will strengthen my relationship with God in this time and I hope she will do the same. And I will pray that she gets rid of this discontentment and stops being a rebellious sixteen year old. I will continue to call her Mom and her friends to see how she is doing. I have decided against keeping any contact with her, because I realize that if I do that, it will provide too much temptation to do things that would be wrong. We will both sit around and mope and wish that we could be together and not focus on God. When the time comes, we may get back together again. I hope that we do and have faith that is what God has in store. I still wish I could have one more chance at being a good influence on her life. But I dont think I will get that chance. In the meantime, I will wait until the time is right, then get better associated with her parents. I must become aquianted with her past before I can become a part of her future. I will pray that this all works out, and let God do the rest. It will be hard for both of us, but we have decided to write in journals for each other that we will give to the other as soon as we get back together. That way we won't miss this part of each others' lives.
Thanks for all your help. This pretty much is the end, I might have an update later, and any more advice you have about my decision or anything is welcome and appreciated. Later guys!
OK, what is the Lover/Kyrios linuxboy?
If you are refering to the Holy Spirit, I would really like to see a scripture reference.
Hey Ryan. Kyrios means "Lord" in Greek. I throw terms around sometimes since they come to mind without thinking that people have different backgrounds. My scripture reference for that post is Matthew 12:43-45. I was not talking about a specific entity (outside of the Lover, which is an allusion to songs and other secular writings) but rather of a state of being and experience that results from grace.
Cheers !
If you are refering to the Holy Spirit, I would really like to see a scripture reference.
Hey Ryan. Kyrios means "Lord" in Greek. I throw terms around sometimes since they come to mind without thinking that people have different backgrounds. My scripture reference for that post is Matthew 12:43-45. I was not talking about a specific entity (outside of the Lover, which is an allusion to songs and other secular writings) but rather of a state of being and experience that results from grace.
Cheers !
StageLeft
No Lifer
- Sep 29, 2000
- 70,150
- 5
- 0
Her parents are scared of her getting knocked up by a 19 year old. A realistic fear...
That said her parents are also f**k-face morons. It's not like she is selling crack on the corner and whoring herself for extra money. I hope I never treat my children like this. It must suck for you guys. I think it's unreasonable to totally cutoff your child from their significant other unless that significant other is clearly having a bad influence. You don't solicit drugs to her or beg her to have sex, so you can't be that bad.
That said her parents are also f**k-face morons. It's not like she is selling crack on the corner and whoring herself for extra money. I hope I never treat my children like this. It must suck for you guys. I think it's unreasonable to totally cutoff your child from their significant other unless that significant other is clearly having a bad influence. You don't solicit drugs to her or beg her to have sex, so you can't be that bad.
<< That said her parents are also f**k-face morons. It's not like she is selling crack on the corner and whoring herself for extra money. I hope I never treat my children like this. It must suck for you guys. I think it's unreasonable to totally cutoff your child from their significant other unless that significant other is clearly having a bad influence. You don't solicit drugs to her or beg her to have sex, so you can't be that bad. >>
The rules were clearly defined. They broke the rules and the parents have acted. I would have done the same and so would most parents. The only people who are objecting to this are the people without children and other children. Opinions from both of these groups are irrelevant. You have absolutely nothing to base your posts on. Sorry. Isla has the most intelligent response here and her advice should be heeded, IMO.
StageLeft
No Lifer
- Sep 29, 2000
- 70,150
- 5
- 0
<< The rules were clearly defined. They broke the rules and the parents have acted. I would have done the same and so would most parents. The only people who are objecting to this are the people without children and other children. Opinions from both of these groups are irrelevant. You have absolutely nothing to base your posts on. Sorry. Isla has the most intelligent response here and her advice should be heeded, IMO. >>
Geeze, how many times am I gonna have to hear that one. If I set down this rule: "Son, get 100% on all your courses or I'll break your arm." and he doesn't get 100% and I break his arm is that ok? Your answer is undoubtedly no. Why? Because I set down an unreasonable rule with an unreasonable punishment if it is broken. Although in this case the rule set down by her parents is not unreasonable the punishment IS. It seems that as people get older they forget what it's like to be a kid. Tell me, do you really think that this girl will respond well to this punishment? I can tell you it won't, and I didn't have to read romeo and juliet to believe it.
There is a trend among some of the parents on AT that "Parent knows right". Well the parent doesn't always know right. Lots of people make piss-poor parents. Parents don't always know right.
Yea skoorb.
Yes they were within thier rights as parents but the question was "Good parental decision or bad?" Clearly bad IMHO.
Grounding, the removal of privileges like driving, phone, etc. only serve to show your children that you think they are stupid. That girl is going to have some serious self-esteem issues if they don't crucify her because god told them to first.
Yes they were within thier rights as parents but the question was "Good parental decision or bad?" Clearly bad IMHO.
Grounding, the removal of privileges like driving, phone, etc. only serve to show your children that you think they are stupid. That girl is going to have some serious self-esteem issues if they don't crucify her because god told them to first.
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