JEDI
Lifer
- Sep 25, 2001
- 29,391
- 2,738
- 126
Scarpozzi
Lifer
- Jun 13, 2000
- 26,391
- 1,780
- 126
Red Squirrel
No Lifer
Great great grandpa was a mechanic and I inherited all his Snap-On tools when he passed away.
Only 4 more years and they'll be paid off!
Only 4 more years and they'll be paid off!
Captante
Lifer
- Oct 20, 2003
- 30,353
- 10,876
- 136
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.
I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it!
Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it!
Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Captante
Lifer
- Oct 20, 2003
- 30,353
- 10,876
- 136
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life!
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life!
Captante
Lifer
- Oct 20, 2003
- 30,353
- 10,876
- 136
I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Captante
Lifer
- Oct 20, 2003
- 30,353
- 10,876
- 136
Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly staring through the window.
I should probably go let him back in the house.
I should probably go let him back in the house.
Captante
Lifer
- Oct 20, 2003
- 30,353
- 10,876
- 136
A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:
"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"
"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"
Charmonium
Lifer
- May 15, 2015
- 10,527
- 3,525
- 136
Red Squirrel
No Lifer
What's the difference between Titanic and California?
The Titanic had it's lights on when it sank.
The Titanic had it's lights on when it sank.
SKORPI0
Lifer
- Jan 18, 2000
- 18,481
- 2,418
- 136
Johnny died and arrived in Hell.
He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.
The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with.
The Devil took Johnny to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. Johnny said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Johnny also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. Johnny told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!" Johnny assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...
"You can go now, I've found your replacement.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man arrives in Hell and the devil says you have to choose one of three rooms. So he enters the first room and people are standing on their heads on a wooden floor. He says, don’t fancy that much, let’s see the next room and finds people standing on their heads on a hard stone floor, he says yikes that’s even worse, let’s take a look at the last one. He enters the last room and people are standing, ankle deep in shit drinking cups of tea, he thinks to himself ‘the smell is awful but at least they are standing and there are refreshments. He turns to the devil and says I’ll take room three. So the devil leaves him in the third room and one of his helpers hands him a cup of tea… two minutes later the devil returns and says ‘OK tea break over, back on your heads’
He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.
The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with.
The Devil took Johnny to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. Johnny said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Johnny also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. Johnny told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!" Johnny assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...
"You can go now, I've found your replacement.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man arrives in Hell and the devil says you have to choose one of three rooms. So he enters the first room and people are standing on their heads on a wooden floor. He says, don’t fancy that much, let’s see the next room and finds people standing on their heads on a hard stone floor, he says yikes that’s even worse, let’s take a look at the last one. He enters the last room and people are standing, ankle deep in shit drinking cups of tea, he thinks to himself ‘the smell is awful but at least they are standing and there are refreshments. He turns to the devil and says I’ll take room three. So the devil leaves him in the third room and one of his helpers hands him a cup of tea… two minutes later the devil returns and says ‘OK tea break over, back on your heads’
Red Squirrel
No Lifer
Scarpozzi
Lifer
- Jun 13, 2000
- 26,391
- 1,780
- 126
- Oct 10, 1999
- 31,294
- 12,816
- 136
What did the Dad buffalo say to the boy buffalo when he went off to college?
Bison
Bison
JTsyo
Lifer
- Nov 18, 2007
- 12,032
- 1,132
- 126
Politician dies and goes to hell. Devil tells him things aren't as bad as people on earth make it out to be. He lets him spend one day in heaven and one in hell so he can see the difference and pick where he would like to spend eternity. His day in heaven is spend praying and in worship. The day in hell was spend in party at a bowling alley with drinks. The politician picks hell since it was a lot more fun and wasn't bad at all. On day three the devil walks into the politician's room while he's being tortured and asks him how things were. Politician said "You lied to me. This is not what you showed me."
Devil replied, "Well see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today you voted."
Pretty sure I mangled this joke but the punchline is there.
SKORPI0
Lifer
- Jan 18, 2000
- 18,481
- 2,418
- 136
Stolen from this thread.. https://www.totalrl.com/forums/inde...r-joke-thread/&do=findComment&comment=4678409
- Oct 10, 1999
- 31,294
- 12,816
- 136
snoopy7548
Diamond Member
- Jan 1, 2005
- 8,254
- 5,330
- 146
SKORPI0
Lifer
- Jan 18, 2000
- 18,481
- 2,418
- 136
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" 😜😜
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
"It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer."
The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar.
He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.
Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this."
The man says "In the alleyway behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.
A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking.
The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks.
He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."
The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
"It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer."
The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar.
He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.
Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this."
The man says "In the alleyway behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.
A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking.
The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks.
He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."
The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
SKORPI0
Lifer
- Jan 18, 2000
- 18,481
- 2,418
- 136
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’
Last edited:
SKORPI0
Lifer
- Jan 18, 2000
- 18,481
- 2,418
- 136
One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
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