New, improved joke thread

[IronWing]

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down.

 

[IronWing]

I was once kidnapped by mimes.


They did unspeakable things to me.

 

[IronWing]

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Whoa, I never had a weasel come in here before. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

 

[IronWing]

My first job out of school was at calendar factory but they fired me after I took a couple days off.

 

[IronWing]

Then I got fired from the keyboard factory after missing a couple shifts.

 

[IronWing]

I dreamed I was sailing on an ocean of orange pop but it was just a Fanta sea.

 

[IronWing]

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

a piiig

 

[IronWing]

How do you make a waterbed extra bouncy?

Fill it with spring water.

 

[IronWing]

How hot is the inside of a tauntaun?


lukewarm

 

[IronWing]

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

 

[IronWing]

Yesterday, I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.

Especially after I went back for seconds.

 

[JTsyo]

A man was arrested for steal $3 million and waiting in jail for his trial. But without the money the case against him was weak. His farmer dad calls him and tells him he's getting too old to plow the fields by himself and asks when his son might get home. His son tells him not to worry, the case against him is weak and he should be free shortly. Though he warns his dad not to hire anyone to plow the field since he wouldn't want them finding what he hid there. The next day the police was at his dad's farm, digging up the fields looking for the money. The dad calls the son again and thanks him for sending help with the field.

 

[IronWing]

Why does Waldo wear stripes?


He doesn't want to be spotted.

 

[IronWing]

Guy in library: "I'm looking for a book on suicide."
Librarian: "We don't carry them anymore, no one brought them back."

 

[IronWing]

I think I want a job installing mirrors.

It's something I could see myself doing.

 

[IronWing]

Two guys were found guilty of stealing a calendar.

They each got six months.

 

[DAPUNISHER]

 

[DAPUNISHER]

 

[Gizmo j]

Why did the couple leave their newborn at the hospital?

Because they told them the baby will be "delivered".

 

[Red Squirrel]

What did socialists use before candle light?

Electricity

 

[Red Squirrel]

I ran a survey asking woman what shampoo they prefer and the #1 response was "How the hell did you get in my shower?". Going to have to try to find that shampoo.

 

[Red Squirrel]

Doc (on Phone): I have some bad news and some worse news for you.
Patient: Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: I have your test results, and you probably have about a 7 days or so left to live.
Patient: Oh my god! If that's the bad news, what the hell is the worse news?!?
Doc: I've been trying to contact you all week.

 

[SteveGrabowski]

After the flood Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply. "We can't; we're adders" said the pair of snakes. So Noah built them a log table.

 

[IronWing]

Teacher: Suzy, can you tell us the difference between a spider and a fly?
Suzy: I don't know; I've never unzipped a spider.

 

[Ajay]

I bought stock in an Origami business.
It folded