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New, improved joke thread

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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Whoa, I never had a weasel come in here before. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.
 
A man was arrested for steal $3 million and waiting in jail for his trial. But without the money the case against him was weak. His farmer dad calls him and tells him he's getting too old to plow the fields by himself and asks when his son might get home. His son tells him not to worry, the case against him is weak and he should be free shortly. Though he warns his dad not to hire anyone to plow the field since he wouldn't want them finding what he hid there. The next day the police was at his dad's farm, digging up the fields looking for the money. The dad calls the son again and thanks him for sending help with the field.
 
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Why did the couple leave their newborn at the hospital?

Because they told them the baby will be "delivered".
 
I ran a survey asking woman what shampoo they prefer and the #1 response was "How the hell did you get in my shower?". Going to have to try to find that shampoo.
 
Doc (on Phone): I have some bad news and some worse news for you.
Patient: Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: I have your test results, and you probably have about a 7 days or so left to live.
Patient: Oh my god! If that's the bad news, what the hell is the worse news?!?
Doc: I've been trying to contact you all week.
 
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