New, improved joke thread

[Red Squirrel]

8 sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by batman. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Batman!

 

[KLin]

Three blondes are walking through a forest. they spot tracks on the ground.

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."

The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."

The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are rabbit tracks, I'm sure."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

[KLin]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

 

[KLin]

Those are the 2 best jokes I know. That is all.

/me has another beer

 

[Captante]

Waiter: And how would you like your steak done sir?

Sir: Just like winning an argument with my wife!

Waiter: Rare it is sir.

 

[shortylickens]

On a college campus, a redhead, blonde and brunette walk by a glob of white goop on a bench.
Redhead says "It looks like semen".
Brunette gets down sniffs "It smells like semen".
Blonde licks a couple drops "well, its nobody from this campus".

 

[shortylickens]

68 Adult Dirty Jokes So Racy You'll Want to Cover Your Eyes

https://bestlifeonline.com/dirty-jokes/

So a guy is running a talent agency and a family of five walks in......

 

[Red Squirrel]

There's a new Lego stored that opened. People are lining up for blocks.

 

[Captante]

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?


A: Robin, get in the car.

 

[Captante]

 

[dank69]

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

 

[DAPUNISHER]

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV "don't go in there!, don't go in the church you moron!"

She is watching our wedding video again.

 

[DAPUNISHER]

The other day, a guy asked me why I am so fat.

I said because every time I have sex with your mom, she gives me cake.

 

[Captante]

Q: What's the difference between love and marriage?

A: Love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener!

 

[Captante]

Q: What is the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

A: An amateur thief says "stick 'em up" .... a professional says "sign here!"

 

[Captante]

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don't know and I don't care

 

[SKORPI0]

Judy married Ted and they had 13 children. Ted died.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob
was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy remarried again, and this time, she and John had 5 more
children. Judy finally dies, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said:
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
"Margaret, do you think he means her first, second, or
third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

 

[snoopy7548]

What do cats eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies

 

[Captante]

I don't trust staircases.... they're always up to something!

 

[allisolm]

 

[BoomerD]

If a seagull flies over the bay...does it become a bagel?

 

[Iron Woode]

Dog owner: My dog has no nose.

Random guy: How does he smell?

Dog owner: Terrible!

 

[Captante]

My mom died in the ER one night because we couldn't remember her blood-type.

It was tragic... as she was dying she kept screaming "be positive!" "be positive!"

I'm trying but it's going to be really hard without her!

 

[JEDI]

 

[Scarpozzi]

View attachment 66864

Is that the Sonic location by the airport?