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I ruined a marriage today...

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CZroe said:
Last September she pretended to be him and tried to make it look like our friend attempted suicide. She then contacted us as herself and screamed that it was all our fault. 🙄

That's partly why I have stayed the hell away for the last 5 months.

I just noticed that I didn't even mention something BIG: When she impersonated him earlier today, he was on the phone telling us that she had just torn up their last $300 and flushed it.

Crazy is an understatement.
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Not fixable. Stay away for the duration -- of the marriage -- as you damn well know contacting him only exacerbates his nightmare scenario. Let him contact you.

That your friend either didn't see this going in, or more likely, saw it and married her anyway says volumes.
 
Ichinisan said:
1. I think it's clear that I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day. We weren't even thinking about that. Regardless, if calling someone in the middle of the day is forbidden, he should turn his phone off. *I* received calls that day from a former coworker who needed help configuring email on a new phone. He wouldn't know if I had a wife / girlfriend. Was it a no-no for him to call me for assistance? The guy was asleep at 12:11 PM. He over-slept. If anything, I did them a favor so they could get their V-Day started.

2. That would be the safest possible time to call on V-Day / Saturday.

3. I have not seen them apart even once since before they met. I would not expect him to meet me at the flea market without her. Couples never do a little shopping for fun in the early afternoon on V-Day?

4. We didn't "egg him on." We gave a courtesy call and let him know what we were doing. "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." Relationship or not, I expect a courtesy call when he's in my town. We might want to return a borrowed item or something. 🙄
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I'm just now reading your other posts. If she's this mental, as Perknose says, it says a lot about your friend as well. Were you blind to his psychological state? Something obviously isn't right with the man for marrying her. Why shake that hornet's nest? If a wife isn't letting a friend come out and play, assuming he's not retarded or anything, he's a lost cause, fallen into the abyss. Men like that become a shell of their former selves. One can only look, learn, and warn the young.
 
Dari said:
...If she's this mental, as Perknose says, it says a lot about your friend as well. Were you blind to his psychological state? Something obviously isn't right with the man for marrying her...
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Aware and accepting of his faults, but not blind to them. He's clinically depressed, honest to a fault, and has always desperately wanted to get married and raise a child, which is how he found himself here.

He's not the brightest and makes plenty of mistakes but he's not retarded. I respect him because he's also not an asshole to anyone (complete opposite), is clean/responsible, and is the only decent person to come from his family. Seeing where he came from, it's a miracle that these are the worst of his problems. He turned out alright compared to his dead uncles, locked-up sister, etc.
 
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e-Cards are my V-Day savior. I'm not getting any from anyone (what else is new?), but I have a number of close female friends who pretty much expect gallantry and schmooze. And, BOY, have I got a shovel for all that! 😛
 
Perknose said:
e-Cards are my V-Day savior. I'm not getting any from anyone (what else is new?), but I have a number of close female friends who pretty much expect gallantry and schmooze. And, BOY, have I got a shovel for all that! 😛
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I got my mother a couple nice candy bars, and sent my daughter an ascii rose and a song.
 
CZroe said:
Aware and accepting of his faults, but not blind to them. He's clinically depressed, honest to a fault, and has always desperately wanted to get married and raise a child, which is how he found himself here.

He's not the brightest and makes plenty of mistakes but he's not retarded. I respect him because he's also not an asshole to anyone (complete opposite), is clean/responsible, and is the only decent person to come from his family. Seeing where he came from, it's a miracle that these are the worst of his problems. He turned out alright compared to his dead uncles, locked-up sister, etc.
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Disclaimer: Don't take advice from some asshole on the internet.

With that out of the way, your friend sounds like he's suffering from classic "Nice Guy Syndrome". I suggest reading No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover for a more in depth explanation.

Nice guys...
-Tend to exhibit low self confidence
-Validate themselves through relationships with the opposite sex
-Didn't receive enough positive validation in childhood
-Primarily nurtured by female caregivers / had absent or overbearing fathers / lacked positive male role models in their life
-Tend to have had a lot of turmoil or neglect in their family life growing up
-Learned from a young age that they must please women to survive
-Are desperate to get into relationships
-Will stay in toxic relationships / are codependent / have a fear of abandonment
-Are only "nice" to women to get something in return. Usually sexual validation.


In short, the Nice Guy has a lot of baggage and is only really nice to get something in return. In that sense, he shares a lot in common with his polar opposite: The Asshole. Both of which are equally bad.

Your buddy seems to tick a lot of those boxes from what you've told us about him. Unfortunately, what his wife is doing to him is a form of abuse. She's controlling him, because she knows he won't stand up for himself. The phone call freak out is a classic example of that. She's projecting her insecurities on him. Essentially using him as an emotional punching bag. Perfect recipe for a toxic relationship.

I think it would be very difficult for your friend to stay in this marriage. Bringing children into it would be an even worse idea (assuming they doesn't already have them). He could try counselling, but divorce or at least some time apart would probably be for the best. Teach him that he doesn't need her to feel good about himself. Would probably be like lifting a great weight off his shoulders.

He needs to work on getting his mojo back. That means building self confidence and putting himself before others. That doesn't mean being a jerk. Remember the ideal man is nice because he chooses to, not because he feels he has to. He also doesn't let anybody push him around. The trick is getting your friend to realize that he has a problem and that he can fix it. Would probably help deal with his depression issues as well. Nobody can possibly happy leading that sort of life.

Spending time bonding with other men over a shared interest would probably help your buddy a lot. Does he have any hobbies that have clubs he could join?
 
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Looks like I ruined their already-ruined marriage all over again today when I tried to relay two words:
"Hi, [friend's wife's name].

As a direct result he's been kicked out again and is expected to be spending the night with my brother (Ichinisan).

Though I rarely get the opportunity I always attempt to change her mind about me by being friendly. I was even set to take her to school on Monday but after days of planning (already had an appointment and swapped hours at work) she found a ride with someone else. I was looking forward to the chance to do something nice to smooth things over with her. That's the only hope I have of being able to see my friend regularly without confirming her paranoid delusion that I have always been trying to break them up.

I happened to see them while I was at work (public place but they couldn't see me). Seeing that they were in town on a weekend (rare), I wanted to let them know I was there in case we could meet up a short while later (we were already shutting down). I live literally across the street where my brother was already with another mutual friend, so the timing was perfect.

In my position, I could not say "Hi" directly unless I used the Public Address system which I was obviously not going to do for something so trivial. I would have preferred to contact my friend first but he was in the restroom when I suddenly got the opportunity to get a message to his wife (happened to pass someone I was in contact with remotely). When my friend came out of the restroom seconds later, I relayed the same message to him and he greeted me back.

All good, right? Nope.

I can't elaborate too much because she may drag my employer into this but know that this was the only contact I had with them until after work when my friend called to tell me that this was happening again. He also said that they were fighting earlier (before I saw them) and she had scratched him up. My brother, oblivious to it all, got a call from her where she screamed about me before throwing her husband's phone on the ground. She demanded that someone else make a two-hour round-trip to pick her up (no driver's license), refusing to go home with her husband.

Ugh. I just wanted to get on her good side so I could see my friend again. No matter what I do she flips out. I don't even know what she thinks I did but, somehow, she's putting the blame on me.

/maynedrama
 
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BPD (borderline personality disorder) is a serious mental illness. If you ever lived with one in a relationship , you will suffer a lot. Your friend really needs help. Usually, pack and run is the safest exit.

Personal experience.
 
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