I need some Atheist jokes...

[Looney]

Agnostic thinks there is a higher power, just isn't sure of what form

No, that isn't an agnostic... at least by the definition that i'm aware of.

 

[Marshallj]

Definition of "agnostic"


There's no use wondering about the definition when you can just look it up and be sure.

 

[Schadenfreude]

Originally posted by: Mookow

Originally posted by: yllus

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

My question is, what specifically does the relish, mustard, and sauerkraut stand for?

If you can't put the three together I can't help you. <---- Brownie points for whoever can guess where this is from!

 

[bGIveNs33]

People need to lighten up.... speaking of which.... anymore jokes??? The winner so far was the Jumping of A bridge joke.

 

[coolVariable]

Originally posted by: Cuda1447

Obviously you know why I posted this. I can find jokes alot more offensive then this Im sure. But there is no need to. That would be childish. You get my point right?

You are not only childish by trying to start a flame war, you are the greatest idiot on this board.

All this threat tries to accomplish is a flame war and I think the first poster (Cuda) should be banned for such malevolent behavior.

 

[BDawg]

Originally posted by: Marshallj
Definition of "agnostic"


There's no use wondering about the definition when you can just look it up and be sure.

Ah, well the joke does work better with agnostic. At the same time, it still works with atheist. I am a Christian, but I have wondered about the existance of God from time to time.

 

[auntsally]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn
Jesus walks into a hotel with a cross and some spikes and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Why do all women love Jesus? *spreads arms apart* He's hung like this!

ROTF!!!


As for the athiest jokes in this thread...they're really funny. Reeeeely.

 

[Dedpuhl]

Originally posted by: coolVariable

Originally posted by: Cuda1447

Obviously you know why I posted this. I can find jokes alot more offensive then this Im sure. But there is no need to. That would be childish. You get my point right?

You are not only childish by trying to start a flame war, you are the greatest idiot on this board.

All this threat tries to accomplish is a flame war and I think the first poster (Cuda) should be banned for such malevolent behavior.

The torch has been passed from MrPalco to this guy?!?!

 

[MisfitsFiend]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created.
"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot
grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He
ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked
over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and
fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him
with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my
God!...."
Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so
silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray of light
emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a
powerful voice spoke to him,
"You have denied my existence for all of these
years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light.
"It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all
these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The
bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man.
The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle
sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right
paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

 

[Spyro]

Originally posted by: coolVariable

Originally posted by: Cuda1447

Obviously you know why I posted this. I can find jokes alot more offensive then this Im sure. But there is no need to. That would be childish. You get my point right?

You are not only childish by trying to start a flame war, you are the greatest idiot on this board.

All this threat tries to accomplish is a flame war and I think the first poster (Cuda) should be banned for such malevolent behavior.

Judging by a lot of the threads in ATOT I'd say that if he is an idiot, he's in good company.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: wizardLRU

Originally posted by: coolVariable

Originally posted by: Cuda1447

Obviously you know why I posted this. I can find jokes alot more offensive then this Im sure. But there is no need to. That would be childish. You get my point right?

You are not only childish by trying to start a flame war, you are the greatest idiot on this board.

All this threat tries to accomplish is a flame war and I think the first poster (Cuda) should be banned for such malevolent behavior.

Judging by a lot of the threads in ATOT I'd say that if he is an idiot, he's in good company.

Obviously since you're here!

 

[xirtam]

Obviously you know why I posted this. I can find jokes alot more offensive then this Im sure. But there is no need to. That would be childish. You get my point right?

No, I totally missed it. What's your point?

 

[MercenaryForHire]

Bump for teh funn3hist anti-atheist joke thread evAr.

Come on, fundies - bring the heat!

- M4H

 

[XZeroII]

Originally posted by: MercenaryForHire
<paraphrased> Religion easily has the greatest bullsh|t story ever told. Think about it - it's actually convinced people that there's an Invisible Man, living in the sky, who he watches you all the time, every day.

And the Invisible Man has a special list of ten things that he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these things, he has a Special Place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry until the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and he needs money! He always needs money! All-powerful, all-knowing, all-wise - but just can't handle money! Millions of dollars, no taxes - and they always need a little more.

- M4H

Said by someone who has no idea what they are talking about. I don't think there is a single piece of truth in that entire post that you made. It's all just stuff Atheists made up and pass off as stuff that Christians think.

 

[Cuda1447]

Originally posted by: XZeroII

Originally posted by: MercenaryForHire
<paraphrased> Religion easily has the greatest bullsh|t story ever told. Think about it - it's actually convinced people that there's an Invisible Man, living in the sky, who he watches you all the time, every day.

And the Invisible Man has a special list of ten things that he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these things, he has a Special Place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry until the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and he needs money! He always needs money! All-powerful, all-knowing, all-wise - but just can't handle money! Millions of dollars, no taxes - and they always need a little more.

- M4H

Said by someone who has no idea what they are talking about. I don't think there is a single piece of truth in that entire post that you made. It's all just stuff Atheists made up and pass off as stuff that Christians think.

/me zips up flame suit again.... ROUND 2... FIGHT!

 

[Riprorin]

Q: Who condemns the evils of religious faith why failing to acknowledge the 100 million or so people killed in the last century by governments based on Godless ideologies?

A: Atheists.

Hahaha.

 

[blakeatwork]

This thread offends my sensitive non-believing sensibilities... please lock...

Christ, I came in here to read some bloody jokes, and it turns into more of a damn flamefest then the Jesus jokes thread I made Wednesday.... Can't people tell some mildly offensive jokes weithout worrying about some uptight, self-righteous jackass complaining?? Whatever happend to water-cooler humour??

 

[Spyro]

Originally posted by: blakeatwork
This thread offends my sensitive non-believing sensibilities... please lock...

Christ, I came in here to read some bloody jokes, and it turns into more of a damn flamefest then the Jesus jokes thread I made Wednesday.... Can't people tell some mildly offensive jokes weithout worrying about some uptight, self-righteous jackass complaining?? Whatever happend to water-cooler humour??

Amen to that, brother.