Hubby can't get over wife's past

[sixone]

You're a woman right?

Would you feel the same way if you found out your husband had done 10-20 gay porn videos at 19? I'm trying to figure out where the line is where you feel still feel it's unacceptable to be upset when you find out something from someone's past that has nothing to do with their present.

When did I say it was unacceptable for him to be upset?

Pretty sure I didn't.

 

[JohnOfSheffield]

you don't see a difference with someone getting paid to have sex and not?

I do, one of them is getting paid.

Duh....

 

[JohnOfSheffield]

When did I say it was unacceptable for him to be upset?

Pretty sure I didn't.

Which would be worse, gay porn or regular porn and why?

 

[sixone]

What am I making up? She knew she did porn and it's out there. Chances are she probably didn't tell him because she figured chances are higher maintaining relationship if marriage/kids are involved. I'm not saying it's a fact, but chances are high it's what she assumed.

You stated that it was a fact, repeatedly.

On their relationship trust. On his mind and his family.

I don't agree with you AT ALL. I'm sorry but she deliberately put him in this situation and now you are acting like HE is the one that's wrong. He hasn't even made the decision yet.

There you go, making stuff up again. You claim it was deliberate, but you don't know what her intentions were.

Love how you make him into the bad guy when clearly his wife is at fault here.

Where did I say he was a bad guy? Oh, yeah...didn't. You're making stuff up again.

As far as we know he has been a fine husband and a father. And because his wife did porn and didn't tell him about it.......now he is not "much of a husband". riiiight

Read it again. The word "if" was used for a reason. If you don't understand, feel free to ask for clarification.

How "not telling her husband about doing porn before marriage" does not equal "deceptive"?

I don't need to hear her part of the story, I already know what she has done wrong.

Once again, you are only guessing as to her motivations, and making assumptions with no basis in fact.

Sure, agreed. But she met him later on in life. 19 is when she did porn, not when she met her husband.

I was referring to what she DID, not to what she didn't do. Please read more carefully.

He might forgive her and get past it, but it will be VERY hard and it's something he will never forget and will have to live with for the rest of his life.

He has been put in a very uncomfortable and bad situation. It's really messed up and I can't blame him for ANY choice he makes.

Of course you wouldn't. But then, you've already decided what her intentions were, without bothering to listen to what she has to say about it.

If he's doing what you're doing, he's making it way harder than it has to be.

 

[sixone]

Which would be worse, gay porn or regular porn and why?

What does that have to do with my reply? or anything else, for that matter?

 

[silverpig]

I don't really care about who sees it or what they opinion is (trust me on that).

My children and family though, that would be hard on them.

And it would certainly hurt me....

But chances are I would probably never pursue a relationship with such a person. So if it was my wife and I found out, it would probably be a deal breaker.

That's some fucked up shit to hide and progress relationship into marriage with. Takes a # to do something like that.

Your wife getting cancer would be hard on you and your kids too. Cut her loose then too?

 

[Blackjack200]

Seriously? I don't agree with a lot of what this guy is saying, but that's nearly as bad as his AIDS comparison.

For one, someone doesn't make a choice to be raped, while someone chooses to shoot porn.

Right, so this is about punishing someones decisions to satisfy your insecurities, not about some laughably prudish principal. That's my point.

 

[SaDiZTiKStyLeZ]

I have this weird desire to date a porn star, prostitute, or stripper. Oddly turns me on.
Not sure why.

 

[Vdubchaos]

Your wife getting cancer would be hard on you and your kids too. Cut her loose then too?

Not at all

Cancer doesn't breach trust and is not part of relationship foundation.

 

[Vdubchaos]

You stated that it was a fact, repeatedly.



There you go, making stuff up again. You claim it was deliberate, but you don't know what her intentions were.

She kept the secret from him (for whatever reason). That's not making stuff up, it's a fact.

Where did I say he was a bad guy? Oh, yeah...didn't. You're making stuff up again.

You said he would be stupid if he left his wife.

Read it again. The word "if" was used for a reason. If you don't understand, feel free to ask for clarification.

Just like I used word "probably" for a reason. If you don't understand, feel free to ask for clarification.

Once again, you are only guessing as to her motivations, and making assumptions with no basis in fact.

Are you saying she is not wrong? She is not deceptive?

Please tell me what am I guessing at in the following...

How "not telling her husband about doing porn before marriage" does not equal "deceptive"?

I don't need to hear her part of the story, I already know what she has done wrong.

Of course you wouldn't. But then, you've already decided what her intentions were, without bothering to listen to what she has to say about it.

If he's doing what you're doing, he's making it way harder than it has to be.

Does it matter what I decide? I'm guessing/assuming....besides it doesn't really matter. And I'm not sure why you keep calling me out because I'm doing so.

Doesn't change the fact that she kept this secret from him. And there is ALWAYS a good reason (you can decide on what that reason might be). Doesn't matter.

I'm not sure I would trust her answer anyways or if her answer would even matter at all. Fact still remains.

 

[surfsatwerk]

Not at all

Cancer doesn't breach trust and is not part of relationship foundation.

Cancer gets paid to fuck people.

 

[sixone]

She kept the secret from him (for whatever reason). That's not making stuff up, it's a fact.

It's not a fact that she was "shady", or had any of the other motivations you've accused her of.

You said he would be stupid if he left his wife.

And until he does, he's not stupid. Get it?

Just like I used word "probably" for a reason. If you don't understand, feel free to ask for clarification.

You didn't use the word "probably" in the post I replied to. Rewriting history won't work here.

Are you saying she is not wrong? She is not deceptive?

I've already said she should have told him. But neither of us knows why she didn't, so claiming that she was only trying to deceive him can't be substantiated.

Please tell me what am I guessing at in the following...

How "not telling her husband about doing porn before marriage" does not equal "deceptive"?

Because it was none of his business. It was a stupid decision she made when she was young and dumb, and it's a decision she's never repeated since then.

I don't need to hear her part of the story, I already know what she has done wrong.

But you haven't bothered to find out why she did it, and that's something that would matter to a loving husband. Instead, you're blaming her for the very worst of motives, based on NOTHING.

Does it matter what I decide? I'm guessing/assuming....besides it doesn't really matter. And I'm not sure why you keep calling me out because I'm doing so.

Doesn't change the fact that she kept this secret from him. And there is ALWAYS a good reason (you can decide on what that reason might be). Doesn't matter.

I'm not sure I would trust her answer anyways or if her answer would even matter at all. Fact still remains.

It matters enough that you're making accusations and casting aspersions on her character.

 

[Vdubchaos]

It's not a fact that she was "shady", or had any of the other motivations you've accused her of.

So you are saying not sharing this info with her future husband is not shady? I think it is. She was wrong and should've been up front.

And until he does, he's not stupid. Get it?

How is he stupid? His entire marriage/relationship would've probably never happened if she was honest/told him. Who in this world wants to marry or be married to a porn star?

And I don't think he would be stupid, I think whatever he does is fine. But she is stupid regardless/no matter what.

You didn't use the word "probably" in the post I replied to. Rewriting history won't work here.

But if you look back I did use that word elsewhere. What I said ARE assumptions, I admitted to that all along.

what I'm trying to tell you is that it's irrelevant why she did it. The fact is SHE DID IT and it's fucked up and devastating to her family now.

I've already said she should have told him. But neither of us knows why she didn't, so claiming that she was only trying to deceive him can't be substantiated.

That's fine. But she knew VERY well that this would come up at some point down the road if she was not up front and honest about it from the get go.

Because it was none of his business. It was a stupid decision she made when she was young and dumb, and it's a decision she's never repeated since then.

It is his business. If I marry a woman or even get into a relationship with her I want to know if she has been divorced, have children, has nudes out there or have done porn.

These details can and will chance my consideration about the person and sway my decision if I want to continue dating them or peruse a relationship.

You don't KNOW that she never repeated it since then. That's not a fact and not stated in the article. Who knows if husband hasn't found that yet?



It's not a FACT!!!

But you haven't bothered to find out why she did it, and that's something that would matter to a loving husband. Instead, you're blaming her for the very worst of motives, based on NOTHING.

Why do people do porn? pretty easy question to answer (there can only be handful of answer). Besides it's irrelevant.

Only thing I'm blaming her for is NOT being up front about this. NOTHING else.

It matters enough that you're making accusations and casting aspersions on her character.

And you are making assumptions and accusations about him as well (that he would be stupid if he left her) or that she never did it again after that.

Your point?

 

[randomrogue]

lol@ "she should have told him before they got married".

Sorry but everyone has a past full of things they'd rather not talk about again.

Some of you live incredibly sheltered lives. I might have gave a shit about this kind of thing when was 20 but you grow out of it. I really don't care how many sexual partners someone has had as long as they are faithful. So she did porn. And you masturbated to pictures of your sister. You grew up. She grew up. There was no need to exchange notes on all the fucked up things you've done before.

 

[darkewaffle]

There's no way I'm reading this whole thread. But it would mess with my head as well. It would just change the way I think about what kind of person she is. Although with that much time behind them as well, I think it's just something you get over.

 

[CVSiN]

what a loser..
get over it.

many many people at that age have LOTS of sex with multiple partners.. it's part of learning who you are.

Her's happens to be on film big whoop..
Id personally be perfectly fine with it..

but then again I have nothing against porn, swingers, sex workers and sex in general.

 

[CVSiN]

lol@ "she should have told him before they got married".

Sorry but everyone has a past full of things they'd rather not talk about again.

Some of you live incredibly sheltered lives. I might have gave a shit about this kind of thing when was 20 but you grow out of it. I really don't care how many sexual partners someone has had as long as they are faithful. So she did porn. And you masturbated to pictures of your sister. You grew up. She grew up. There was no need to exchange notes on all the fucked up things you've done before.

do you tell all your dates exactly how many people you have fucked and the conditions in which it happened?

Nope.. didn't think so..
this is no different it is sex and it was before him so what..
Porn is no different than having regular sex.. in fact it is even safer than having sex with regular people..

 

[sixone]

So you are saying not sharing this info with her future husband is not shady? I think it is. She was wrong and should've been up front.

"Wrong" and "shady" are not the same thing. There's nothing "shady" about hoping that he'd never find out. She wasn't hiding something she did during the period of their relationship to each other.

How is he stupid? His entire marriage/relationship would've probably never happened if she was honest/told him. Who in this world wants to marry or be married to a porn star?

And I don't think he would be stupid, I think whatever he does is fine. But she is stupid regardless/no matter what.

It's stupid to torpedo his marriage and his kids' family over something that happened so far in the past, especially since it's not an ongoing problem. She learned from her mistake, and quit making it. That should be much more important than that she did it in the first place.

But if you look back I did use that word elsewhere. What I said ARE assumptions, I admitted to that all along.

what I'm trying to tell you is that it's irrelevant why she did it. The fact is SHE DID IT and it's fucked up and devastating to her family now.

Obviously, it's irrelevant to YOU. But you're not married to her, and you aren't responsible for the relationship and family that they share.

It's only as devastating as HE allows it to be. HE gets to decide that. If he loves her, he'll be understanding and compassionate about why she didn't tell him. It'll be tough, but only he gets to decide whether it's impossible.

That's fine. But she knew VERY well that this would come up at some point down the road if she was not up front and honest about it from the get go.

How do you know she knew that? It's not covered in the OP, so you don't.

It is his business. If I marry a woman or even get into a relationship with her I want to know if she has been divorced, have children, has nudes out there or have done porn.

These details can and will chance my consideration about the person and sway my decision if I want to continue dating them or peruse a relationship.

That's pretty sad. If you can't get past the fact that your lady wasn't always perfect, that's your problem, and she's probably better off without you anyway.

You don't KNOW that she never repeated it since then. That's not a fact and not stated in the article. Who knows if husband hasn't found that yet?



It's not a FACT!!!

Sure, make up some new stuff to tar her with. Why stop now?

The letter says she did it when she was 19, not that she's done it since.

Why do people do porn? pretty easy question to answer (there can only be handful of answer). Besides it's irrelevant.

Only thing I'm blaming her for is NOT being up front about this. NOTHING else.

You've also accused her of deliberately deceiving him, so that he wouldn't be able to leave once he did find out. You claimed that she knew he'd find out.

And you are making assumptions and accusations about him as well (that he would be stupid if he left her) or that she never did it again after that.

Your point?

Nice try, doesn't fly.

 

[Tweak155]

lol@ "she should have told him before they got married".

Sorry but everyone has a past full of things they'd rather not talk about again.

Some of you live incredibly sheltered lives. I might have gave a shit about this kind of thing when was 20 but you grow out of it. I really don't care how many sexual partners someone has had as long as they are faithful. So she did porn. And you masturbated to pictures of your sister. You grew up. She grew up. There was no need to exchange notes on all the fucked up things you've done before.

Sounds like a confession. I have not once done this.

 

[PingSpike]

This thread is hilarious. Both sides of the argument have featured some real whoppers.

My favorites so far include equating filmed prostitution with having some casual sex in college. Equating a single home made porn video made with a SO with 10-20 films with what almost certainly was not a SO is a close second. But I think the "he didn't ask" is a bit more hilarious one. I never asked my wife if she fucked a bunch of guys for money before she met me either. You guys think I should go home and ask her that one? LOL.

 

[CVSiN]

This thread is hilarious. Both sides of the argument have featured some real whoppers.

My favorites so far include equating filmed prostitution with having some casual sex in college. Equating a single home made porn video made with a SO with 10-20 films with what almost certainly was not a SO is a close second. But I think the "he didn't ask" is a bit more hilarious one. I never asked my wife if she fucked a bunch of guys for money before she met me either. You guys think I should go home and ask her that one? LOL.

and what is exactly is different than any of those things you said?

it's not.. its porn.. this isn't murder.. sex is sex rather with a prostitute a porn star a one night stand or whatever.. that is YOUR hangup. The fact that you separate sex into acceptable categories is your problem.

And the Gay Porn for a male comparison was ridiculous.. even if she did girl girl that is far more acceptable in mainstream than gay male porn. girl girl in porn doesn't even count as "gay"

 

[Vdubchaos]

"Wrong" and "shady" are not the same thing. There's nothing "shady" about hoping that he'd never find out. She wasn't hiding something she did during the period of their relationship to each other.

We will have to agree to disagree. It is very shady because chances are he would never peruse a relationship with her if he knew. I'm pretty sure she knew that...and that's why she "hoped" he would never find out.

Spin it all you want, it's VERY shady.

"It's stupid to torpedo his marriage and his kids' family over something that happened so far in the past, especially since it's not an ongoing problem. She learned from her mistake, and quit making it. That should be much more important than that she did it in the first place.

Don't blame the victim. She torpedo future marriage and kids/family by not telling him.

Again, we don't know that she quit, that's not a FACT.

Obviously, it's irrelevant to YOU. But you're not married to her, and you aren't responsible for the relationship and family that they share.

It's his decision at the end of the day. you call him an idiot if he leaves. I say regardless if he stays or leaves "I can understand".

It's only as devastating as HE allows it to be. HE gets to decide that. If he loves her, he'll be understanding and compassionate about why she didn't tell him. It'll be tough, but only he gets to decide whether it's impossible.

SHE made it happen, don't blame him. Correct, and whatever he chooses is fine. But I don't think he would be stupid he left her. Their entire foundation of their marriage/relationship is based on a lie/with holding information. It's a big one if you ask me.

How do you know she knew that? It's not covered in the OP, so you don't.

Because only an idiot would assume their loved one wouldn't find out. It's common sense.

Is it 100% that he would. NO but it's NOT worth "torpedoing" her family withholding this information.

That's pretty sad. If you can't get past the fact that your lady wasn't always perfect, that's your problem, and she's probably better off without you anyway.

Again, I don't care about ANYTHING my wife might have done before me. BUT if she has done porn, had kids, divorced.....those are the things I would like to know about. What I will do with that info or if I will continue my relationship etc is MY choice at that point.

What if husband didn't tell you about STDs. And years later you found out. How would that make you feel? Would you stay with him?

Sure, make up some new stuff to tar her with. Why stop now?

I'm not making it up. Just playing your game here. You called me out on FACTS, so I'm calling you out as well. Article/OP doesn't state ANYTHING about when she stopped doing it or if she is currently doing it. It's a FACT.

We just don't know.

The letter says she did it when she was 19, not that she's done it since.

Obviously it's something he won't know until he finds out. And obviously it's something she wouldn't tell him (she has a track record of withholding that information).

I wouldn't count on it.

Look Sixone, YOu think he is an idiot if he leaves his family and should stay. And I think she is fucked up for not telling him and regardless what he does (I understand and can relate).

We are really not accomplishing much by going back and forth (actually NOTHING).

Our opinions are different, and that's fine (they should be). We are all different people and I don't expect you to have the same opinion as me.

It's ok

 

[TechAZ]

Doing porn is something that should be illegal to NOT tell your partner. It takes a special fucked up person mentally to actually go through and do it. A partner needs to know if their significant other has serious sexual trauma (which most in porn do) and needs to know what they are getting themselves into.

It's almost like most people are naive and think "oh, so they had some wilder days in their past"....it's not that, they are almost every single time fucked up in the head and have a serious past of sexual trauma that will keep rearing it's ugly head every so often.

 

[Vdubchaos]

This thread is hilarious. Both sides of the argument have featured some real whoppers.

My favorites so far include equating filmed prostitution with having some casual sex in college. Equating a single home made porn video made with a SO with 10-20 films with what almost certainly was not a SO is a close second. But I think the "he didn't ask" is a bit more hilarious one. I never asked my wife if she fucked a bunch of guys for money before she met me either. You guys think I should go home and ask her that one? LOL.

:biggrin:

 

[Vdubchaos]

Doing porn is something that should be illegal to NOT tell your partner. It takes a special fucked up person mentally to actually go through and do it. A partner needs to know if their significant other has serious sexual trauma (which most in porn do) and needs to know what they are getting themselves into.

It's almost like most people are naive and think "oh, so they had some wilder days in their past"....it's not that, they are almost every single time fucked up in the head and have a serious past of sexual trauma that will keep rearing it's ugly head every so often.

Agreed