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Geekbabe

Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Oct 16, 1999
32,037
2,038
126
www.theshoppinqueen.com
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: CPA
It amazes me when people think getting married in the mid-20's is surprising.

My mom was married when she was 18. It used to be that way all the time, even younger.

Now we consider a 22 year old a teenager and believe you shouldn't get married until your 30. Why?
Because you ruin your life and your future prospects in all areas of life by marrying and having kids early,you also hamper the prospects of your children as the younger you have kids the less fiscally stable you are likely to be.
I don't buy that for a second. I'm considered a young father, and I don't believe I've hampered my future prospects in any way. Of course I'm much more fiscally responsible than 90% of the popluation, but still. Having kids while you're still in high school is not a good idea, but I don't believe you ruin your life by having kids in your early or middle twenties.
Yeah,how old are your kids? Come back come divorce time when you aren't left with a dollar or an hour to call your own and tell me how it was all so worth it.If I had it to do over I would have waiterd till much later to marry and have kids and might have passed on having kids entirely.
I think there's a certain expectation when you decide to get married and have children that your money and your time are no longer yours. How does that have anything to do with divorce or possible divorce? I'm very happy spending time with my wife and my son. I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. I look forward to going home from work every evening to spend time with my family and I hate dropping my son off at daycare in the morning because that's less time I get to spend with him. It's too bad you're so bitter about your life, it's a sad thing to see.

Because so many marriages end in divorce..if you aren't fully prepared to rear a child solo,without any sort of physical or fiscal help from the other parent,then you aren't prepared to have kids yet.There may be exceptions but I doubt there are many 19,20 yr olds who can stand totally alone in rearing a kid.
 

Riprorin

Banned
Apr 25, 2000
9,634
0
0
Married at 29. First child at 33, second child at 36.

Still married, but it hasn't been a picnic.
 

Geekbabe

Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Oct 16, 1999
32,037
2,038
126
www.theshoppinqueen.com
Originally posted by: Riprorin
Married at 29. First child at 33, second child at 36.

Still married, but it hasn't been a picnic.
Exactly my point,you haven't had it easy and you waited a bit to have a family.Life is hard,why enter into something this serious with extra strikes against you?

 

Hoober

Diamond Member
Feb 9, 2001
4,361
13
81
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: CPA
It amazes me when people think getting married in the mid-20's is surprising.

My mom was married when she was 18. It used to be that way all the time, even younger.

Now we consider a 22 year old a teenager and believe you shouldn't get married until your 30. Why?
Because you ruin your life and your future prospects in all areas of life by marrying and having kids early,you also hamper the prospects of your children as the younger you have kids the less fiscally stable you are likely to be.
I don't buy that for a second. I'm considered a young father, and I don't believe I've hampered my future prospects in any way. Of course I'm much more fiscally responsible than 90% of the popluation, but still. Having kids while you're still in high school is not a good idea, but I don't believe you ruin your life by having kids in your early or middle twenties.
Yeah,how old are your kids? Come back come divorce time when you aren't left with a dollar or an hour to call your own and tell me how it was all so worth it.If I had it to do over I would have waiterd till much later to marry and have kids and might have passed on having kids entirely.
I think there's a certain expectation when you decide to get married and have children that your money and your time are no longer yours. How does that have anything to do with divorce or possible divorce? I'm very happy spending time with my wife and my son. I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. I look forward to going home from work every evening to spend time with my family and I hate dropping my son off at daycare in the morning because that's less time I get to spend with him. It's too bad you're so bitter about your life, it's a sad thing to see.

Because so many marriages end in divorce..if you aren't fully prepared to rear a child solo,without any sort of physical or fiscal help from the other parent,then you aren't prepared to have kids yet.There may be exceptions but I doubt there are many 19,20 yr olds who can stand totally alone in rearing a kid.
I agree that 19 and twenty year olds aren't old enough to have kids. They aren't mature enough either emotionally or financially. But I disagree complete with your notion that you must be prepared to raise a child by yourself before you go ahead and have children. Divorce is an ugly thing and I believe a number of couples enter into marriage without fully understanding or exploring their emotions and what that tie really means. Those couples probably should look at having children. But to blanket the entire population and say that you MUST be able to support the child yourself before thinking about having kids is narrowminded.

Raising children takes two people (sometimes more). You're only handicapping your own growth potential and the relationship with your S.O. if you start out with the thought that you need to be prepared to raise the child by yourself. I'm sorry you think that way, Geekbabe. I don't, and I pray that I never will.

 

StageLeft

No Lifer
Sep 29, 2000
70,150
3
0
I was 23, but we'd been together 5+ years. Now 26 with first child on the way. For us it was right.
 

Geekbabe

Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Oct 16, 1999
32,037
2,038
126
www.theshoppinqueen.com
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: CPA
It amazes me when people think getting married in the mid-20's is surprising.

My mom was married when she was 18. It used to be that way all the time, even younger.

Now we consider a 22 year old a teenager and believe you shouldn't get married until your 30. Why?
Because you ruin your life and your future prospects in all areas of life by marrying and having kids early,you also hamper the prospects of your children as the younger you have kids the less fiscally stable you are likely to be.
I don't buy that for a second. I'm considered a young father, and I don't believe I've hampered my future prospects in any way. Of course I'm much more fiscally responsible than 90% of the popluation, but still. Having kids while you're still in high school is not a good idea, but I don't believe you ruin your life by having kids in your early or middle twenties.
Yeah,how old are your kids? Come back come divorce time when you aren't left with a dollar or an hour to call your own and tell me how it was all so worth it.If I had it to do over I would have waiterd till much later to marry and have kids and might have passed on having kids entirely.
I think there's a certain expectation when you decide to get married and have children that your money and your time are no longer yours. How does that have anything to do with divorce or possible divorce? I'm very happy spending time with my wife and my son. I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. I look forward to going home from work every evening to spend time with my family and I hate dropping my son off at daycare in the morning because that's less time I get to spend with him. It's too bad you're so bitter about your life, it's a sad thing to see.

Because so many marriages end in divorce..if you aren't fully prepared to rear a child solo,without any sort of physical or fiscal help from the other parent,then you aren't prepared to have kids yet.There may be exceptions but I doubt there are many 19,20 yr olds who can stand totally alone in rearing a kid.
I agree that 19 and twenty year olds aren't old enough to have kids. They aren't mature enough either emotionally or financially. But I disagree complete with your notion that you must be prepared to raise a child by yourself before you go ahead and have children. Divorce is an ugly thing and I believe a number of couples enter into marriage without fully understanding or exploring their emotions and what that tie really means. Those couples probably should look at having children. But to blanket the entire population and say that you MUST be able to support the child yourself before thinking about having kids is narrowminded.

Raising children takes two people (sometimes more). You're only handicapping your own growth potential and the relationship with your S.O. if you start out with the thought that you need to be prepared to raise the child by yourself. I'm sorry you think that way, Geekbabe. I don't, and I pray that I never will.

Tell me,what do you think is so wonderful and "growth producing" about being close to 50 and not having a pension,about the knowledge that you'll probably going to work till the day you finally drop dead because you were young and stupid enough to believe in "forever and all time"?


How I wish an experienced divorced parent had been my mentor back then,my first child(if any children at all) wouldn't have been born till I was 30 and had a better leg up jobwise.I was always clever,always hardworking, just waiting a few short years more would have let me make a secure place for myself jobwise and made all the difference in the quality of life for my kids while I was rearing them and for myself come retirement time.

If I were a young person now,I'd realise that while you can't plan for everything,I wouldn't be signing up for the good ship partenthood unless I was equipped for the very likely possibility that I'd end up doing the job solo.Love is great,it doesn't however pay 1500 a month rents or $250 a week childcare bills.


In looking back,I regret deeply the things my kids didn't get,the mother who was so tired from working overnights,weekeends and holidays that she never had enough energy,all the Xmas's,birthdays,graduations and special events that I walked thru like a zombie cause I was so tired.All the months I robbed peter to pay paul in order to keep them in the suburbs even though they had far less materially than every other kid and even though we didn't fit in cause we weren't a two parent family and I wasn't rich.All the things they missed,the full attention from me that they didn't get.. yeah if I could do it over it would have been different.
 

Hoober

Diamond Member
Feb 9, 2001
4,361
13
81
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: CPA
It amazes me when people think getting married in the mid-20's is surprising.

My mom was married when she was 18. It used to be that way all the time, even younger.

Now we consider a 22 year old a teenager and believe you shouldn't get married until your 30. Why?
Because you ruin your life and your future prospects in all areas of life by marrying and having kids early,you also hamper the prospects of your children as the younger you have kids the less fiscally stable you are likely to be.
I don't buy that for a second. I'm considered a young father, and I don't believe I've hampered my future prospects in any way. Of course I'm much more fiscally responsible than 90% of the popluation, but still. Having kids while you're still in high school is not a good idea, but I don't believe you ruin your life by having kids in your early or middle twenties.
Yeah,how old are your kids? Come back come divorce time when you aren't left with a dollar or an hour to call your own and tell me how it was all so worth it.If I had it to do over I would have waiterd till much later to marry and have kids and might have passed on having kids entirely.
I think there's a certain expectation when you decide to get married and have children that your money and your time are no longer yours. How does that have anything to do with divorce or possible divorce? I'm very happy spending time with my wife and my son. I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. I look forward to going home from work every evening to spend time with my family and I hate dropping my son off at daycare in the morning because that's less time I get to spend with him. It's too bad you're so bitter about your life, it's a sad thing to see.

Because so many marriages end in divorce..if you aren't fully prepared to rear a child solo,without any sort of physical or fiscal help from the other parent,then you aren't prepared to have kids yet.There may be exceptions but I doubt there are many 19,20 yr olds who can stand totally alone in rearing a kid.
I agree that 19 and twenty year olds aren't old enough to have kids. They aren't mature enough either emotionally or financially. But I disagree complete with your notion that you must be prepared to raise a child by yourself before you go ahead and have children. Divorce is an ugly thing and I believe a number of couples enter into marriage without fully understanding or exploring their emotions and what that tie really means. Those couples probably should look at having children. But to blanket the entire population and say that you MUST be able to support the child yourself before thinking about having kids is narrowminded.

Raising children takes two people (sometimes more). You're only handicapping your own growth potential and the relationship with your S.O. if you start out with the thought that you need to be prepared to raise the child by yourself. I'm sorry you think that way, Geekbabe. I don't, and I pray that I never will.

Tell me,what do you think is so wonderful and "growth producing" about being close to 50 and not having a pension,about the knowledge that you'll probably going to work till the day you finally drop dead because you were young and stupid enough to believe in "forever and all time"?


How I wish an experienced divorced parent had been my mentor back then,my first child(if any children at all) wouldn't have been born till I was 30 and had a better leg up jobwise.I was always clever,always hardworking, just waiting a few short years more would have let me make a secure place for myself jobwise and made all the difference in the quality of life for my kids while I was rearing them and for myself come retirement time.

If I were a young person now,I'd realise that while you can't plan for everything,I wouldn't be signing up for the good ship partenthood unless I was equipped for the very likely possibility that I'd end up doing the job solo.Love is great,it doesn't however pay 1500 a month rents or $250 a week childcare bills.


In looking back,I regret deeply the things my kids didn't get,the mother who was so tired from working overnights,weekeends and holidays that she never had enough energy,all the Xmas's,birthdays,graduations and special events that I walked thru like a zombie cause I was so tired.All the months I robbed peter to pay paul in order to keep them in the suburbs even though they had far less materially than every other kid and even though we didn't fit in cause we weren't a two parent family and I wasn't rich.All the things they missed,the full attention from me that they didn't get.. yeah if I could do it over it would have been different.
I don't think there's anything "wonderful" or "growth producing" about being 50 and flat broke with no chance of retirement. But I also don't think that you should walk into a relationship expecting to have children with the mindset that "Woah, slow down there, honey. I'm not sure if I can support this kid physically, emotionally, and financially all by myself." That's not healthy.

Let me ask you this... why is there a magical age for bearing children? Because at 30 you're definitely at that point in your career where you can support children? Personally, I'm 24. I have friends who are over 30 with more debt, making less money in a less secure job, and without any sort of financial plan. Because they are older they are more eligible for children?

I think there's a fine line, and time, for children. I also don't believe that there is a set age and that five years, give or take, is going to be better one way or another. If you are a responsible person, regardless of what life throws at you, you will be able to cope. And if that means that you're fifty years old without any hope of retirement because you spent the better part of your middle age raising and caring for your children, well, so be it. You coped. I just don't see the point of waiting five years. Would you still not have that better job? Are you saying you made, or were forced to make, different career choices because of your children? Would you not have had to make those same choices regardless of your age when having kids?

I don't mean to pry, but did their father run out? Is that why you were stuck? Regardless of what happened with my wife if divorce were to come up, I would not abandon my son.

 

Geekbabe

Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
Oct 16, 1999
32,037
2,038
126
www.theshoppinqueen.com
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: CPA
It amazes me when people think getting married in the mid-20's is surprising.

My mom was married when she was 18. It used to be that way all the time, even younger.

Now we consider a 22 year old a teenager and believe you shouldn't get married until your 30. Why?
Because you ruin your life and your future prospects in all areas of life by marrying and having kids early,you also hamper the prospects of your children as the younger you have kids the less fiscally stable you are likely to be.
I don't buy that for a second. I'm considered a young father, and I don't believe I've hampered my future prospects in any way. Of course I'm much more fiscally responsible than 90% of the popluation, but still. Having kids while you're still in high school is not a good idea, but I don't believe you ruin your life by having kids in your early or middle twenties.
Yeah,how old are your kids? Come back come divorce time when you aren't left with a dollar or an hour to call your own and tell me how it was all so worth it.If I had it to do over I would have waiterd till much later to marry and have kids and might have passed on having kids entirely.
I think there's a certain expectation when you decide to get married and have children that your money and your time are no longer yours. How does that have anything to do with divorce or possible divorce? I'm very happy spending time with my wife and my son. I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. I look forward to going home from work every evening to spend time with my family and I hate dropping my son off at daycare in the morning because that's less time I get to spend with him. It's too bad you're so bitter about your life, it's a sad thing to see.

Because so many marriages end in divorce..if you aren't fully prepared to rear a child solo,without any sort of physical or fiscal help from the other parent,then you aren't prepared to have kids yet.There may be exceptions but I doubt there are many 19,20 yr olds who can stand totally alone in rearing a kid.
I agree that 19 and twenty year olds aren't old enough to have kids. They aren't mature enough either emotionally or financially. But I disagree complete with your notion that you must be prepared to raise a child by yourself before you go ahead and have children. Divorce is an ugly thing and I believe a number of couples enter into marriage without fully understanding or exploring their emotions and what that tie really means. Those couples probably should look at having children. But to blanket the entire population and say that you MUST be able to support the child yourself before thinking about having kids is narrowminded.

Raising children takes two people (sometimes more). You're only handicapping your own growth potential and the relationship with your S.O. if you start out with the thought that you need to be prepared to raise the child by yourself. I'm sorry you think that way, Geekbabe. I don't, and I pray that I never will.

Tell me,what do you think is so wonderful and "growth producing" about being close to 50 and not having a pension,about the knowledge that you'll probably going to work till the day you finally drop dead because you were young and stupid enough to believe in "forever and all time"?


How I wish an experienced divorced parent had been my mentor back then,my first child(if any children at all) wouldn't have been born till I was 30 and had a better leg up jobwise.I was always clever,always hardworking, just waiting a few short years more would have let me make a secure place for myself jobwise and made all the difference in the quality of life for my kids while I was rearing them and for myself come retirement time.

If I were a young person now,I'd realise that while you can't plan for everything,I wouldn't be signing up for the good ship partenthood unless I was equipped for the very likely possibility that I'd end up doing the job solo.Love is great,it doesn't however pay 1500 a month rents or $250 a week childcare bills.


In looking back,I regret deeply the things my kids didn't get,the mother who was so tired from working overnights,weekeends and holidays that she never had enough energy,all the Xmas's,birthdays,graduations and special events that I walked thru like a zombie cause I was so tired.All the months I robbed peter to pay paul in order to keep them in the suburbs even though they had far less materially than every other kid and even though we didn't fit in cause we weren't a two parent family and I wasn't rich.All the things they missed,the full attention from me that they didn't get.. yeah if I could do it over it would have been different.
I don't think there's anything "wonderful" or "growth producing" about being 50 and flat broke with no chance of retirement. But I also don't think that you should walk into a relationship expecting to have children with the mindset that "Woah, slow down there, honey. I'm not sure if I can support this kid physically, emotionally, and financially all by myself." That's not healthy.

Let me ask you this... why is there a magical age for bearing children? Because at 30 you're definitely at that point in your career where you can support children? Personally, I'm 24. I have friends who are over 30 with more debt, making less money in a less secure job, and without any sort of financial plan. Because they are older they are more eligible for children?

I think there's a fine line, and time, for children. I also don't believe that there is a set age and that five years, give or take, is going to be better one way or another. If you are a responsible person, regardless of what life throws at you, you will be able to cope. And if that means that you're fifty years old without any hope of retirement because you spent the better part of your middle age raising and caring for your children, well, so be it. You coped. I just don't see the point of waiting five years. Would you still not have that better job? Are you saying you made, or were forced to make, different career choices because of your children? Would you not have had to make those same choices regardless of your age when having kids?

I don't mean to pry, but did their father run out? Is that why you were stuck? Regardless of what happened with my wife if divorce were to come up, I would not abandon my son.

If I had waited I might have had a better education or a better job with more growth prospects and stability,I also might have had the maturity and perspective to realise that 3 kids was one or two children too many.Yes I am saying that I was forced to make different career choices based on having kids and with being a single parent.Yes I "coped" but having things more together would have been better then and it would make my future a lot easier.


Why not wait? barring accidents what's to be gained from rushing into marriage or parenthood? there is much to be said for completing an education and being in a good groove careerwise first.
 

Kenazo

Lifer
Sep 15, 2000
10,429
1
81
Geekbabe, you stated that 50/60% of marriages end in divorce, I'm curious how that number is derived, I've heard the statistic before, and always have been curious of those marriages that end, how many are 2nd or 3rd marriages for those people.
 

MomAndSkoorbaby

Diamond Member
May 6, 2001
3,651
0
0
Married at 24.
First child at 27...or will be when she arrives!

Like Skoorbie said, we did it right for us. We are incredibly happy and content.
 

miniMUNCH

Diamond Member
Nov 16, 2000
4,159
0
0
Originally posted by: Jzero
I will be 25 when I get married this November. What's the hurry? Well, when you find the right one, you find the right one. It wasn't really a rush, but why would I screw around for another 5 years knowing "the one" is right here?
Exactly. I was 23 when I married my wife. We're in our fifth year and never had a fight...no yelling or name calling.

Sure we disagree on some small issues and have minor, short-lived misunderstandings. Marriage to right person is awesome...it has completed every part of my life.

I think she feels the same...at least she says so.

But who knows...she could be fixing to drop me like a bad habit. :Q
 

GasX

Lifer
Feb 8, 2001
29,033
6
81
I am 35 and am getting married to my girlfriend of ~ 8 years in June. Contrary to popular assumption, I wore her down.
 

PingSpike

Lifer
Feb 25, 2004
21,706
532
126
Geekbabe...can you honestly tell me that if some 'wise divorced parent' came and told you shouldn't get married you would have said "You're right sir, I won't get married." I know if anyone tried to convince me to not marry my girl I'd tell them to shut up and die...if you can't say the same it sounds like you just married the wrong person. The reason there's so many divorces is that people keep marrying some one who is wrong for them. All people aren't created equal and marriage can't be broken down to a simple statistic.

BTW, you should ask for advice from some one who had a successful marriage, not from a 'wise divorced parent'. When I want good advice, I ask for it from a person who has succeeded at the subject, not some one who failed miserably.

And frankly, with an attitude that negative...I don't see how you have a chance in hell at succeeding in love. It ain't pretty out there, but if you don't carry at least a glimmer of hope then the game is over before it starts.
 

allisolm

Elite Member
Administrator
Jan 2, 2001
24,422
3,025
136
But to blanket the entire population and say that you MUST be able to support the child yourself before thinking about having kids is narrowminded.

So many people can't support a child TOGETHER when they have one, let alone being able to support a child individually.

For me - age 20, husband age 21. Children at 24 and 26. Still very happily married after more years than most of you have been alive.
 

vi edit

Elite Member
Super Moderator
Oct 28, 1999
62,122
7,298
126
Originally posted by: Kenazo
Geekbabe, you stated that 50/60% of marriages end in divorce, I'm curious how that number is derived, I've heard the statistic before, and always have been curious of those marriages that end, how many are 2nd or 3rd marriages for those people.
That's the problem with statistics. You can massage them to show what you want. Bottom line is that some people just flat out should never get married. But it takes them 4 times to realize it and they completely screw the numbers up about divorces.

Same thing goes for lots of crime statistics. Something like 70% of violent crimes and theft are committed by 10% of the total number of people that have committed crimes. There's just handful of bad apples that skew the numbers.
 

Mill

Lifer
Oct 10, 1999
28,558
3
81
Oh, I intend to get married about age 35 or so. 21 now. I see no reason to get married or fall in love with anyone until I'm partner at a firm, or very happy with what I do. I love women very much, but it will be hard to find a lady that doesn't want to have kids. I've got high standards as well, so maybe I'll never get married. Not a big loss either way. As long as I don't have any kids I'm ok.
 

vi edit

Elite Member
Super Moderator
Oct 28, 1999
62,122
7,298
126
Originally posted by: Mill
Oh, I intend to get married about age 35 or so. 21 now. I see no reason to get married or fall in love with anyone until I'm partner at a firm, or very happy with what I do. I love women very much, but it will be hard to find a lady that doesn't want to have kids. I've got high standards as well, so maybe I'll never get married. Not a big loss either way. As long as I don't have any kids I'm ok.
I said much the same thing when I was 20. Didn't think I'd get married. No desire to have kids. Ect. 6 years later my words are no longer valid. I'd like to have kids, the wife and I just need to nail down a couple goals over the next few years before we do though.
 

Mill

Lifer
Oct 10, 1999
28,558
3
81
Originally posted by: vi_edit
Originally posted by: Mill
Oh, I intend to get married about age 35 or so. 21 now. I see no reason to get married or fall in love with anyone until I'm partner at a firm, or very happy with what I do. I love women very much, but it will be hard to find a lady that doesn't want to have kids. I've got high standards as well, so maybe I'll never get married. Not a big loss either way. As long as I don't have any kids I'm ok.
I said much the same thing when I was 20. Didn't think I'd get married. No desire to have kids. Ect. 6 years later my words are no longer valid. I'd like to have kids, the wife and I just need to nail down a couple goals over the next few years before we do though.
Anything is possible. How knows my mind my change tommorrow, but I doubt it.
 

PingSpike

Lifer
Feb 25, 2004
21,706
532
126
Originally posted by: Mill
Oh, I intend to get married about age 35 or so. 21 now. I see no reason to get married or fall in love with anyone until I'm partner at a firm, or very happy with what I do. I love women very much, but it will be hard to find a lady that doesn't want to have kids. I've got high standards as well, so maybe I'll never get married. Not a big loss either way. As long as I don't have any kids I'm ok.
As long as your open about that with women, I don't see any problem with that philosophy.
 

Orsorum

Lifer
Dec 26, 2001
27,626
3
81
I am thinking I'll probably end up getting married in my late 20s, at which time I'll have settled down, if I work in the military my term of service should be up, if I go for the FBI I'll be settled somewhere.
 

Hoober

Diamond Member
Feb 9, 2001
4,361
13
81
Originally posted by: allisolm
But to blanket the entire population and say that you MUST be able to support the child yourself before thinking about having kids is narrowminded.

So many people can't support a child TOGETHER when they have one, let alone being able to support a child individually.

For me - age 20, husband age 21. Children at 24 and 26. Still very happily married after more years than most of you have been alive.
And that's a problem. If you can't support a child then you shouldn't be having children. But I still say it's wrong to go into something like this with the assumption that some day you're going to have to support the child all by yourself. Seems to me you're just asking for trouble at that point.
 

Hoober

Diamond Member
Feb 9, 2001
4,361
13
81
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: Hoober
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Originally posted by: CPA
It amazes me when people think getting married in the mid-20's is surprising.

My mom was married when she was 18. It used to be that way all the time, even younger.

Now we consider a 22 year old a teenager and believe you shouldn't get married until your 30. Why?
Because you ruin your life and your future prospects in all areas of life by marrying and having kids early,you also hamper the prospects of your children as the younger you have kids the less fiscally stable you are likely to be.
I don't buy that for a second. I'm considered a young father, and I don't believe I've hampered my future prospects in any way. Of course I'm much more fiscally responsible than 90% of the popluation, but still. Having kids while you're still in high school is not a good idea, but I don't believe you ruin your life by having kids in your early or middle twenties.
Yeah,how old are your kids? Come back come divorce time when you aren't left with a dollar or an hour to call your own and tell me how it was all so worth it.If I had it to do over I would have waiterd till much later to marry and have kids and might have passed on having kids entirely.
I think there's a certain expectation when you decide to get married and have children that your money and your time are no longer yours. How does that have anything to do with divorce or possible divorce? I'm very happy spending time with my wife and my son. I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. I look forward to going home from work every evening to spend time with my family and I hate dropping my son off at daycare in the morning because that's less time I get to spend with him. It's too bad you're so bitter about your life, it's a sad thing to see.

Because so many marriages end in divorce..if you aren't fully prepared to rear a child solo,without any sort of physical or fiscal help from the other parent,then you aren't prepared to have kids yet.There may be exceptions but I doubt there are many 19,20 yr olds who can stand totally alone in rearing a kid.
I agree that 19 and twenty year olds aren't old enough to have kids. They aren't mature enough either emotionally or financially. But I disagree complete with your notion that you must be prepared to raise a child by yourself before you go ahead and have children. Divorce is an ugly thing and I believe a number of couples enter into marriage without fully understanding or exploring their emotions and what that tie really means. Those couples probably should look at having children. But to blanket the entire population and say that you MUST be able to support the child yourself before thinking about having kids is narrowminded.

Raising children takes two people (sometimes more). You're only handicapping your own growth potential and the relationship with your S.O. if you start out with the thought that you need to be prepared to raise the child by yourself. I'm sorry you think that way, Geekbabe. I don't, and I pray that I never will.

Tell me,what do you think is so wonderful and "growth producing" about being close to 50 and not having a pension,about the knowledge that you'll probably going to work till the day you finally drop dead because you were young and stupid enough to believe in "forever and all time"?


How I wish an experienced divorced parent had been my mentor back then,my first child(if any children at all) wouldn't have been born till I was 30 and had a better leg up jobwise.I was always clever,always hardworking, just waiting a few short years more would have let me make a secure place for myself jobwise and made all the difference in the quality of life for my kids while I was rearing them and for myself come retirement time.

If I were a young person now,I'd realise that while you can't plan for everything,I wouldn't be signing up for the good ship partenthood unless I was equipped for the very likely possibility that I'd end up doing the job solo.Love is great,it doesn't however pay 1500 a month rents or $250 a week childcare bills.


In looking back,I regret deeply the things my kids didn't get,the mother who was so tired from working overnights,weekeends and holidays that she never had enough energy,all the Xmas's,birthdays,graduations and special events that I walked thru like a zombie cause I was so tired.All the months I robbed peter to pay paul in order to keep them in the suburbs even though they had far less materially than every other kid and even though we didn't fit in cause we weren't a two parent family and I wasn't rich.All the things they missed,the full attention from me that they didn't get.. yeah if I could do it over it would have been different.
I don't think there's anything "wonderful" or "growth producing" about being 50 and flat broke with no chance of retirement. But I also don't think that you should walk into a relationship expecting to have children with the mindset that "Woah, slow down there, honey. I'm not sure if I can support this kid physically, emotionally, and financially all by myself." That's not healthy.

Let me ask you this... why is there a magical age for bearing children? Because at 30 you're definitely at that point in your career where you can support children? Personally, I'm 24. I have friends who are over 30 with more debt, making less money in a less secure job, and without any sort of financial plan. Because they are older they are more eligible for children?

I think there's a fine line, and time, for children. I also don't believe that there is a set age and that five years, give or take, is going to be better one way or another. If you are a responsible person, regardless of what life throws at you, you will be able to cope. And if that means that you're fifty years old without any hope of retirement because you spent the better part of your middle age raising and caring for your children, well, so be it. You coped. I just don't see the point of waiting five years. Would you still not have that better job? Are you saying you made, or were forced to make, different career choices because of your children? Would you not have had to make those same choices regardless of your age when having kids?

I don't mean to pry, but did their father run out? Is that why you were stuck? Regardless of what happened with my wife if divorce were to come up, I would not abandon my son.

If I had waited I might have had a better education or a better job with more growth prospects and stability,I also might have had the maturity and perspective to realise that 3 kids was one or two children too many.Yes I am saying that I was forced to make different career choices based on having kids and with being a single parent.Yes I "coped" but having things more together would have been better then and it would make my future a lot easier.


Why not wait? barring accidents what's to be gained from rushing into marriage or parenthood? there is much to be said for completing an education and being in a good groove careerwise first.
I never said people shouldn't wait until they're ready to have kids. I fully agree that you should be prepared before jumping into something as life changing as raising children. My problem is the fact that you are suggesting that people be able to support the child by themselves without any sort of help from the partner. I think there is something fundamentally wrong with that line of thinking and that it can only undermine a relationship. I wholeheartedly agree that you should not get married or have children until you are 100% ready and that you must be rational when deciding how many children to have.
 

Kelemvor

Lifer
May 23, 2002
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Got married in August of 2001. I was 26, Wife was 26 as well. I turned 27 two months later.
 
Dec 1, 2003
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Got married this past November. I was three days shy of 22, he was/is 22. We've known each other since freshman year of college (me 17, him 18). We take marriage very seriously and are very happy together. We also have supportive and loving families, which also helps. As long as my pills work ;), we won't be having kids until after I finish my masters degree, which will be about three years from now. When I finish my masters, I'll be able to get a job with at least double the salary of what I'm making now, so it's important that I finish the degree before the children come along. :) To all those who say that you have to be older to get married, I say that you haven't found the right person...otherwise, you wouldn't think that. You don't want to sit around waiting for 548676454354 years to get married if you truly love your SO and want to make a life with them. Life is short, there's no time to waste here.
 

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