in true indian style my parents guilted me whenever I did something wrong. I felt so bad that I had disappointed them that I wouldnt do it again.
"Are you stupid? Because that was a really stupid thing to do."
"I could just ring your neck!" -- Never happened of course.
Stuff like that I guess...
"I could just ring your neck!" -- Never happened of course.
Stuff like that I guess...
ViviTheMage
Lifer
haha, never actually heard that one...actually he skipped the saying step and started ringing the neck
. My Dad was like that, he's gotten much more mellow since then though. Especially since my son came along. He adores my son, and I know he'd lay his life on the line for him. He's the polar opposite with him vs. the way he was with my brother and I.
I caught the brunt of his verbal abusiveness mainly because I always stepped in if he was coming down on my little brother and made myself the target of his words.
My brother never seemed grateful for it, nor did he ever share the contempt for my father that I had at the time. That, for a very long while, caused me to resent my brother as well. It also caused me to question if I was wrong in thinking Dad shouldn't be like that....it made me think it might be normal, bthat all families are like that and just don't talk about it. Of course I know better now at the ripe old age of 30. My brother is one of the most well adjusted, well rounded, nicest individuals you'll ever meet. I hope I had something to do with that.
Only after moving out did I learn to let go of a lot of that inward hatred and resentment. Even that took time though, the damage was already done.
It got to a point where I realized I was old and competent enough to know better than to blame any of my lifes failings on the way he treated me. That was an easy trap to fall into though.
My confidence is very close now to where it should have been all along and I think he sees that and respects it. I know he's sorry for what he did, though he's from the generation that doesn't really apologize, confess wrong doing, or talk about feelings. I know from his actions and words here and there though. And again, especially from the way he treats my son.
From the day my son was born my father changed 100%, it was a huge shock to me because I feared he might treat him the same way we got treated.
I love my Dad, it took me a long time to, but I do. I'll never forget what I went through, but I will forgive it. Otherwise, having resentemnt still will only poison me, and more importantly my relationship with my son.
I have full custody of my son, and his mother calls once in awhile, but otherwise isn't in his life. So naturally there are times when we get on each others nerves and we try each others patience. He's 9 too, so he's starting to really form his own identity, which is hard for both of us.
As long as I can remember though I've never ended a phone call, or left him with my parents to go somewhere, or dropped him off at school, or tucked him in good night without saying I love you to him....not once.
It's something my Dad never did and I guess it's important to me to know that no matter what my son and I may go through I will always love him. He gripes about it once in awhile if his friends are around or something, but I laugh and tell him tough titties, I'll tell him that every day, until the day I die.
I caught the brunt of his verbal abusiveness mainly because I always stepped in if he was coming down on my little brother and made myself the target of his words.
My brother never seemed grateful for it, nor did he ever share the contempt for my father that I had at the time. That, for a very long while, caused me to resent my brother as well. It also caused me to question if I was wrong in thinking Dad shouldn't be like that....it made me think it might be normal, bthat all families are like that and just don't talk about it. Of course I know better now at the ripe old age of 30. My brother is one of the most well adjusted, well rounded, nicest individuals you'll ever meet. I hope I had something to do with that.
Only after moving out did I learn to let go of a lot of that inward hatred and resentment. Even that took time though, the damage was already done.
It got to a point where I realized I was old and competent enough to know better than to blame any of my lifes failings on the way he treated me. That was an easy trap to fall into though.
My confidence is very close now to where it should have been all along and I think he sees that and respects it. I know he's sorry for what he did, though he's from the generation that doesn't really apologize, confess wrong doing, or talk about feelings. I know from his actions and words here and there though. And again, especially from the way he treats my son.
From the day my son was born my father changed 100%, it was a huge shock to me because I feared he might treat him the same way we got treated.
I love my Dad, it took me a long time to, but I do. I'll never forget what I went through, but I will forgive it. Otherwise, having resentemnt still will only poison me, and more importantly my relationship with my son.
I have full custody of my son, and his mother calls once in awhile, but otherwise isn't in his life. So naturally there are times when we get on each others nerves and we try each others patience. He's 9 too, so he's starting to really form his own identity, which is hard for both of us.
As long as I can remember though I've never ended a phone call, or left him with my parents to go somewhere, or dropped him off at school, or tucked him in good night without saying I love you to him....not once.
It's something my Dad never did and I guess it's important to me to know that no matter what my son and I may go through I will always love him. He gripes about it once in awhile if his friends are around or something, but I laugh and tell him tough titties, I'll tell him that every day, until the day I die.
It sounds like you made a very conscious decision to change your family's pattern and to differentiate yourself from your father. I'm sure many ATOT-ers wish they had a dad like you; thank you for sharing your story.
moshquerade
No Lifer
- Nov 1, 2001
- 61,504
- 12
- 56
Yes, but only by my worthless dad (I use that word very loosely). Actually, the very last words he said to me as he was moving out of our house was "I'm sorry but you were a mistake." Guess that was the best excuse he could give me for being such a sorry father. That was back around 1989 when I was 15 and I haven't seen him, heard from him or anything since.
Yes, they still do. It hurts, but I know they don't see anything wrong with it. I won't do that with MY kids, though.
MmmSkyscraper
Diamond Member
- Jul 6, 2004
- 9,472
- 1
- 76
funboy6942
Lifer
- Nov 13, 2001
- 15,368
- 418
- 126
My oldest and I joke around, we tell each other we suck at stuff, he will walk in the door and I will go, "Cameron, you suck." He will tell me then I suck, but we are playing around, but my parents used to say stuff like I was worthless, no good, would grow up to be nothing, and I wouldnt do that to my children. I am always telling them that they can do anything if they put their minds to it, and dont let anyone, including me, tell them it cannot be done, and never give up, always try your hardest at everything you do.
I want my children to be better then me, and I will push them, in a positive way, to help them do that, and will never say anything negative about them, always positive, and that they can do it if they try, to never give up, to do as I say, not as I do
I want my children to be better then me, and I will push them, in a positive way, to help them do that, and will never say anything negative about them, always positive, and that they can do it if they try, to never give up, to do as I say, not as I do
No my parents (Asian) never did such a thing. Both my father and mother were usually quiet and rarely yelled, and when they did yell, they never called me names or anything.
They would tell me what I did wrong, and if severe enough, discipline me with a stick to the calves.
They would tell me what I did wrong, and if severe enough, discipline me with a stick to the calves.
To you and all others that give props for good parents that they had... what did they do to make them good parents... aside from NOT beating on you or yelling negative things to you?
I am wanting to know specific things!
Oh god, those had me laughing up a storm.... I remember a few of those as a kid. good times, good times..
Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, big mouth, know it all, asshole, jerk!
EDIT: forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
EDIT: forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
You know, it's really easy to say "I will never..." or "I won't..." when you've never been in some tough situations with kids. My wife and I both come from alcoholic father backgrounds and we knew long before we had kids that we weren't going down that road with our kids and I'm very proud to say we haven't. Hell, we drink so infrequently that when we do, my 11 yr old son actually keeps tabs on how much we've had to drink.
My 17 yr old daughter's behavior however has pushed us to the "are you a ****** idiot?" point on more than a number of occasions.
My 17 yr old daughter's behavior however has pushed us to the "are you a ****** idiot?" point on more than a number of occasions.
Unfortunately yes, specifically my father. He was always very verbally abusive to everyone in the family, though rarely if ever physically violent.
When my brother and I were young it was effective at keeping us in line, however now as we are older neither of us respect either of our parents much at all...we realize that my father is basically an insane jerk, and my mother was a status consumed (though they never had much money) individual....both of my parents were very self absorbed and had a very very unhealthy relationship (don't think either could really have had anything but given their personalities)...though my mother might have been happy if she had married rich.
I cannot say I wish it never was though as if that was the case then I wouldn't be here today, but I do want to try and be the opposite with my daughter, the hard thing is that sometimes you do something not realizing it because it was what you were taught when you were young, luckily my wife keeps me in check as she had a good upbringing.
I thought or hoped things with my family would have gotten better with the birth of my daughter, their first grandchild, but it did nothing....when my father came to visit (long after she was born) he looked at her for a few seconds and then got into a very heated debate with my father in law, ended up I had to throw him out of the house...
When my brother and I were young it was effective at keeping us in line, however now as we are older neither of us respect either of our parents much at all...we realize that my father is basically an insane jerk, and my mother was a status consumed (though they never had much money) individual....both of my parents were very self absorbed and had a very very unhealthy relationship (don't think either could really have had anything but given their personalities)...though my mother might have been happy if she had married rich.
I cannot say I wish it never was though as if that was the case then I wouldn't be here today, but I do want to try and be the opposite with my daughter, the hard thing is that sometimes you do something not realizing it because it was what you were taught when you were young, luckily my wife keeps me in check as she had a good upbringing.
I thought or hoped things with my family would have gotten better with the birth of my daughter, their first grandchild, but it did nothing....when my father came to visit (long after she was born) he looked at her for a few seconds and then got into a very heated debate with my father in law, ended up I had to throw him out of the house...
Mo0o
Lifer
- Jul 31, 2001
- 24,227
- 3
- 76
My mom did whenever i did anything bad. She also hit me. But i think overall it's pretty on par for Chinese parents. I turned out pretty well but I think parenting would be just as effective without it. However, I think there's a certain distance between my parents and I, I love them but I never think of them as my friends.
zephyrprime
Diamond Member
- Feb 18, 2001
- 7,512
- 2
- 81
She wouldn't have. That sort of attitude is insatiable. It's really a great attitude to have if you want to ruin your own happiness for life.
Hopefully they didn't screw you up too much.
Both of them did which sucks because I realize it but it is hard to deprogram that which you were taught by example for so long....
My mother thought she was marrying the son of a successful doctor (which she was) but she didn't figure out the part that either the offspring of someone successful will be just as or more successful or they will be a complete waste...my father was the latter.
She and he both always had to own flashy things, expensive watches, nice cars, big jewelery...but our house was a disgrace...small, horribly furnished...I think it was his lack of motivation combined with my mothers desire to keep up with the jonses that caused them to split, the irony is that now my mother is boarderline poverty and I don't make enough to support her (nor would I want to as I know she would just abuse that and take advantage of me), and my father is even more insane than he was before.
Christmas we got flashy gifts but really it meant nothing as the time was accompanied by that of constant fighting
Now as I am older, I find myself drawn to some status not necessary items that are most likely "beyond my means" that I buy anyway, luckily I keep my purcasing in check for the most part, and also do well with selling some things on ebay to support my "vice"...I also find that I constantly complain which annoys my wife to no end.
Fritzo
Lifer
- Jan 3, 2001
- 41,920
- 2,162
- 126
That's a stupid poll, because if a parent says mean things, most of the time it's not on purpose- it's done out of rage (unless your parents are REALLY poor parents).
My dad went off on me many times. When he calmed down, I know he didn't mean it, and he felt bad afterwards. Parents are human, and it happens.
My dad went off on me many times. When he calmed down, I know he didn't mean it, and he felt bad afterwards. Parents are human, and it happens.
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