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Alcoholism and Boundaries
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mikeymikec
Lifer
Good luck OP. I think you were right to take a hard line with your sister about no alcohol in the house. While not the most diplomatic of responses, in your place I'd likely tell my sister in no uncertain terms that the life of my fiance is an infinitely higher priority to me than my sister's need for an entirely unnecessary luxury in the house. IMO there isn't any room for bargains and concessions, so laying the facts out straight and plain is probably the best way forward.
This is what I am going to send her today. As a side note, she chastised me for letting my fiance back into my life when I said I wouldnt. And she cheated on her husband 4 years ago and said it was because of her depression.
"I understand that this is going to be hard for you, but this is how it has to be. Regardless of how you ended up in my basement, either this house or the other, my below market rent for you was me helping you with your financial situation. My fiance had no idea until yesterday that I had made this decision. The fact that you call her a fuck up because of a mental illness is a little hypocritical considering the things you have done because of your mental illness. And if I remember correctly your husband also back tracked when he made the decision to leave the country because of your actions. You attacking her personally was really low and shallow. The odds of relapse are significantly higher if alcohol is in the house. I don't think I really need to explain to you why its better not to have alcohol on the premise. I think you know it increases her chance of success to not have it readily available. I can also say that both my son and I feel better with not having alcohol in the house at all, when you guys have parties or people come over and drink it makes me anxious and uneasy. I shouldn't have to feel that way in my own home. But when it comes down to it, its my home, I do not want it on my property, you have given it to minors, and its a liability. You say you are looking for a new place and that is great, but in the mean time, alcohol will not be allowed in my home. The way I feel, the way Taen feels, and saving my fiance's life is an infinitely higher priority to me than your need for an entirely unnecessary luxury in the house, If you can't go without alcohol on hand, then maybe you have a bigger problem than you realize. If you try to circumvent this decision I will formally draft an notice to vacate that will require you to vacate at the end of the month or 15 days which ever is longer. "
"I understand that this is going to be hard for you, but this is how it has to be. Regardless of how you ended up in my basement, either this house or the other, my below market rent for you was me helping you with your financial situation. My fiance had no idea until yesterday that I had made this decision. The fact that you call her a fuck up because of a mental illness is a little hypocritical considering the things you have done because of your mental illness. And if I remember correctly your husband also back tracked when he made the decision to leave the country because of your actions. You attacking her personally was really low and shallow. The odds of relapse are significantly higher if alcohol is in the house. I don't think I really need to explain to you why its better not to have alcohol on the premise. I think you know it increases her chance of success to not have it readily available. I can also say that both my son and I feel better with not having alcohol in the house at all, when you guys have parties or people come over and drink it makes me anxious and uneasy. I shouldn't have to feel that way in my own home. But when it comes down to it, its my home, I do not want it on my property, you have given it to minors, and its a liability. You say you are looking for a new place and that is great, but in the mean time, alcohol will not be allowed in my home. The way I feel, the way Taen feels, and saving my fiance's life is an infinitely higher priority to me than your need for an entirely unnecessary luxury in the house, If you can't go without alcohol on hand, then maybe you have a bigger problem than you realize. If you try to circumvent this decision I will formally draft an notice to vacate that will require you to vacate at the end of the month or 15 days which ever is longer. "
s0me0nesmind1
Lifer
No - just a 12% ABV bourbon barrel aged Belgian quad ale in my hand 😛
I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about...
zinfamous
No Lifer
Honestly, I would leave out all of the direct reminders about your sister's fuckups. Just say something like, "I need you to appreciate the situation as it is, the decision we have to make now, as I feel that I have been very generous and sympathetic to helping you out when you needed it."
Pointing the finger and reminding people of their problems never works. Certainly not with family.
Pointing the finger and reminding people of their problems never works. Certainly not with family.
Agree with this, keep any feelings or justification or past drama out of it. And go with a short and direct message.
EDIT TO ADD.
I think you are doing the right thing, she needs to move out or get rid of the liquor. This shouldn't even require a debate
DietDrThunder
Platinum Member
I agree with zinfamous about leaving out all of your sisters fuckups, but I also think this needs to be a face-to-face discussion and not an email or letter. You can have it as your notes on what you are going to say, but talk to her. Also, make up a short written contract which states your rules of the house (more than those that are alcohol related), and have her and your brother-in-law sign them. If they refuse to sign, then also have an eviction letter ready giving them X number of days to move out, then hand it to them. You might be surprised and they might then agree to sign your contract.
nakedfrog
No Lifer
Not saying the sister would be right to feel that way, just speculating, entirely wildly, on what might be involved psychologically. Siblings can refight childhood battles well into pensionable age. Or maybe other people just attach more importance to alcohol than I do.
mikeymikec
Lifer
And certainly not with people who likely still have some mental issues like depression. If logic was all they needed, they wouldn't have those issues.
zinfamous
No Lifer
Yeah, definitely try to do this in person (again?), and probably best without the husband? Bring her around first. I don't know your sister, OP, or relationship between the two, so unless she normally flies off the handle all the time, and is just always stubborn (could be), her initial response to your request could just be shock/defense when she sees her normal order threatened. People seem to be that way--I know I am, heh. Maybe after a day or two and some time to consider, and bring it back to her again, she'll come around to working with you?
I think you're totally in the right and this needs to be the way you want to do it and if she isn't willing to meet you there, after your helping them out over the last several months.....well, tough titties for her.
Yes she is stubborn and acts very emotionally, her husband was there for the first conversation and didn't say a word. The second discussion, after she texted me suggesting a lockable fridge, he wasnt there and escalated quite quickly after I said I didnt feel comfortable with it.
SMOGZINN
Lifer
Are you his sister? Even if you are there are other places than Siege's basement to drink. You could check if Old's basement is free.
Scarpozzi
Lifer
How old is she? If you've not promised sickness and health yet, understand that alcoholism is sickness....typically holds hands with depression.
If she is having issues with one, she may want to see a shrink and look at getting on an antidepressant. Also, if she doesn't exercise, eventually, try to convince her to do some cardio daily or every other day. That does great things for serotonin levels....
I wish you the best. Sorry you're having issues with your fiance and sister. It sounds like a tough place to be. Just be supportive of the fiance and if you can, convince your sister to lock up her liquor if she keeps it in the house. I think a lockable liquor cabinet should suffice.
If she is having issues with one, she may want to see a shrink and look at getting on an antidepressant. Also, if she doesn't exercise, eventually, try to convince her to do some cardio daily or every other day. That does great things for serotonin levels....
I wish you the best. Sorry you're having issues with your fiance and sister. It sounds like a tough place to be. Just be supportive of the fiance and if you can, convince your sister to lock up her liquor if she keeps it in the house. I think a lockable liquor cabinet should suffice.
My fiance's depression is pretty much under control. She exercises daily, a lot of times its twice a day, she is on an antidepressant and it works well. She is going to see a shrink when she is out. Her mom passed away last summer and its been messing with her because of mothers day and she was pretty wild as a teenager/adult and feels like she disappointed her mom. Those past issues are all being dealt with.
highland145
Lifer
Mai72
Lifer
My Two Cents.
#1) Your sister might have a liquor problem. Think about it. She's living in a basement and with a husband whose having difficulty paying the bills. No or limited savings. Are there kids involved? Does she work? She might be self medicating with booze and posibbly pills to cope with her current situation.
#2) If your gf is coming back from a treatment center there can absolutely be no alchoal at your home. ZERO. It's the same with any addiction. It needs to be eliminated from site. Think about people who go on diets. One of the first things they do is clear the kitchen and pantry of junk food. it's too tempting to keep it around. Think about the alchoal. Your gf has a bad day and zero willpower. She knows that your sister has alchoal. She goes downstairs and the addiction starts all over again. Once your addicted to something it's very very difficult to enjoy that thing in small doses. In fact, most people have to abstain and take that addiction out of their lives forever.
I'd be firm and I'd stand my ground. No alchoal period. Your sister should understand, but it sounds like she doesn't get it. Again, IMO it's probably because she's using alchoal as a way to escape the situation that she's in.
#1) Your sister might have a liquor problem. Think about it. She's living in a basement and with a husband whose having difficulty paying the bills. No or limited savings. Are there kids involved? Does she work? She might be self medicating with booze and posibbly pills to cope with her current situation.
#2) If your gf is coming back from a treatment center there can absolutely be no alchoal at your home. ZERO. It's the same with any addiction. It needs to be eliminated from site. Think about people who go on diets. One of the first things they do is clear the kitchen and pantry of junk food. it's too tempting to keep it around. Think about the alchoal. Your gf has a bad day and zero willpower. She knows that your sister has alchoal. She goes downstairs and the addiction starts all over again. Once your addicted to something it's very very difficult to enjoy that thing in small doses. In fact, most people have to abstain and take that addiction out of their lives forever.
I'd be firm and I'd stand my ground. No alchoal period. Your sister should understand, but it sounds like she doesn't get it. Again, IMO it's probably because she's using alchoal as a way to escape the situation that she's in.
mikeymikec
Lifer
I thought about suggesting that if they brought a drink home and drank it in one sitting then that might be feasible, but it's not really. All it needs is for someone to leave a drink alone in the room and your fiance to enter at a personally bad moment. Same goes for lockable fridges etc.
I agree 100%. Pointing out your sisters failings will do nothing to solve the situation.
DietDrThunder
Platinum Member
You haven't mentioned this, but do you have a support group? If not, you might think about attended a local Al Anon meeting. Not too many people can handle the stress of this situation on their own. Just something to think about.
Yeah, I go to al anon every friday, and the treatment center has classes for the family every thursday that I go to that is really good.
Chaotic42
Lifer
"Sorry honey, I know you have a severe addiction to alcohol, but we can't get rid of it in the house because that would be lame ass"
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