Alcoholism and Boundaries

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Mayne

Diamond Member
Apr 13, 2014
8,838
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sorry, but it's kinda lame to tell grown adults they can't drink because someone doesn't know their limit.
 
Nov 8, 2012
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as the biggest alcoholic here..you shouldn't impose lame ass riules because your fiance can't control herself. i'm just saying.

Mayne - everytime I see a post with your name this is who I imagine is on the other end:

image.jpg
 
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Mayne

Diamond Member
Apr 13, 2014
8,838
1,374
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thats not true at all unless you are talking about my nephew.
 
Nov 8, 2012
20,828
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This is some dumb shit to say, man.

Kinda messed up - but I agree to a certain extent. I'm involved with a hobby of enjoying delicious beers. I hang out with homebrewers - go to meetups, do bottle shares, etc... So saying for me to stop drinking entirely is basically like saying "Hey, stop enjoying your hobby because of me".

Though I am a reasonable person, so I would say I could venture to tell OP I can avoid drinking at home for a couple weeks to try and be supportive.
 

killster1

Banned
Mar 15, 2007
6,205
475
126
locked in a safe? like same as a loaded gun, sure its dangerous but secured it should be ok. Maybe she will get angle grinder and cut through the safe? more likely order online and get delivered before that.
 

Carson Dyle

Diamond Member
Jul 2, 2012
8,173
524
126
Does your fiance have a habit of going into your sister's family's apartment? If she does and she's looking for booze, is it really any more difficult than going to a nearby liquor store?
 

whm1974

Diamond Member
Jul 24, 2016
9,436
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Does your fiance have a habit of going into your sister's family's apartment? If she does and she's looking for booze, is it really any more difficult than going to a nearby liquor store?
It is best for addicts not to have what they addicted too in the house. While it may not be hard to go to the liquor store, that is still another step they will have to take to fill their craving.
 

Rifter

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
11,522
751
126
It is best for addicts not to have what they addicted too in the house. While it may not be hard to go to the liquor store, that is still another step they will have to take to fill their craving.

One thing ive learned is that if someone has never had a addiction that took them to rock bottom they just will not understand that this does indeed need to happen. You must remove all drugs/alcohol from the house. People who haven't experienced it will not understand just how bad it can be.
 

GoodRevrnd

Diamond Member
Dec 27, 2001
6,801
581
126
Jesus, is it really that hard to understand that an addict should remove as many temptationions as possible? They'll need to be able to be around their addiction eventually to ever be fully functional, but why on earth would anyone think they'd be ready for that after only a 30 day rehab stay?
 

Carson Dyle

Diamond Member
Jul 2, 2012
8,173
524
126
Jesus, is it really that hard to understand that people don't go into someone else's home for any fucking reason? I don't care if she's a drunk looking for booze or she's looking to rifle someone's purse for money. If she does that, you kick her the hell out of the damned house. (Oh, and you definitely don't marry her.)
 

GoodRevrnd

Diamond Member
Dec 27, 2001
6,801
581
126
Well the OP has clearly made the decision to work through his fiance's issues so his sister's sweetheart rental deal is of secondary concern. It's his house and it doesn't sound like the basement is secured from the main house. It's not like he's telling some random tenant in a random property he owns hey you can't have alcohol in your home. She's getting cut-rate rent, the choice is keep booze out of my house or leave. Or I guess he could improve the space so it's completely separate from his house and jack up the rates to market and watch her leave anyway.
 
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whm1974

Diamond Member
Jul 24, 2016
9,436
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Jesus, is it really that hard to understand that people don't go into someone else's home for any fucking reason? I don't care if she's a drunk looking for booze or she's looking to rifle someone's purse for money. If she does that, you kick her the hell out of the damned house. (Oh, and you definitely don't marry her.)
Sounds like to me the OP fiance has taken the steps toward recovery, and she doesn't need the temptation of booze anywhere in the house. I'm siding with the OP and his fiance here and having support goes a long way.
 
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whm1974

Diamond Member
Jul 24, 2016
9,436
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Well the OP has clearly made the decision to work through his fiance's issues so his sister's sweetheart rental deal is of secondary concern. It's his house and it doesn't sound like the basement is secured from the main house. It's not like he's telling some random tenant in a random property he owns hey you can't have alcohol in your home. She's getting cut-rate rent, the choice is keep booze out of my house or leave. Or I guess he could improve the space so it's completely separate from his house and jack up the rates to market and watch her leave anyway.
Does the basement have it's own kitchen and bathroom? What are the market rates for 1800 square foot apartments where the OP lives?
 

Carson Dyle

Diamond Member
Jul 2, 2012
8,173
524
126
The question I have is how autonomous is that basement apartment? If the fiance goes down there and has to walk through their living room to do laundry, or if they're close friends and she's often there hanging out with with them, then the request is reasonable. If it's a separate residence, they don't spend time together where they'd be drinking, and the door can be locked, then I think it's out of line.
 

TheSiege

Diamond Member
Jun 5, 2004
3,918
14
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Yeah, the washer and dyer are in the basement. The alcohol needs to be removed. Addiction is an illness. People are in control of their actions, but addiction is a crazy mother fucker.
 
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TallBill

Lifer
Apr 29, 2001
46,017
62
91
Seems like you should have had a discussion instead of ordering a mandate. I'm not a pro on contract law, and if oral agreements let you just amend terms but either way it could have been handled better.
 
May 11, 2008
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Yeah, the washer and dyer are in the basement. The alcohol needs to be removed. Addiction is an illness. People are in control of their actions, but addiction is a crazy mother fucker.

Yes. We have free will and it is always our own choice. Always. But it is hard to make the right choice when confused and not being able to think straight. Us humans can be influenced, but we can train ourselves to not listen and give in to the influence.

It takes some time to build up will power by thinking of the positive things and results of making the right choice( not subduing to the craving) and the negative things and results of making the wrong choice(subduing to the craving).
I had to write it down on paper a few times at home in the past long ago as a means to help me remember. During counceling this is touched often, the positives and negatives of abusing any kind of mind altering compound. (Sorry, my English is not so good, and i am sleepy)


The brain is very adaptable, so every time a persons says no to the craving and comes up with logical reasons to not give in to the craving, will strenghten that thought process and it becomes easier over time. But the sudden loss of being able to think logically and the sudden memory loss is what addiction is. I have heard many stories about how the mind of addicts just goes blank when the craving starts.
I had it myself also a few times in the past long ago. When thinking of it in hindsight, it is very scary how that sudden memory loss/ blocking and difficulty to to think has such an effect. At those moments, it is as if the short term memory is hijacked for a few moments. When aware of this and being able to recognise it is very important.

edit:
Give your fiance some small gift, anything is fine, a hug or making dinner , whatever... When she refuses the craving. It will help.

Another edit:
scrap the Pavlov technique, i had exchanged the stimulation of the reward center in the brain with conditioning.
 
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kage69

Lifer
Jul 17, 2003
28,745
40,187
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Sounds like you have a lousy relative/shitty tenant problem to me.

It's your place.
What you are asking for is entirely reasonable given the situation.
They are putting their love of a buzz before your generosity and the health of a family member (then trying to use guilt on you).

Your wife may not be the only one with alcohol issues. If they're willing to piss and moan over something so easy, something that directly affects your family's health, well I wouldn't feel the least bit bad about giving them the 'my way or the highway' choice. You're not being the dick here. Don't like house rules? Don't be in the house. Pretty straight forward really.
 

whm1974

Diamond Member
Jul 24, 2016
9,436
1,567
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Sounds like you have a lousy relative/shitty tenant problem to me.

It's your place.
What you are asking for is entirely reasonable given the situation.
They are putting their love of a buzz before your generosity and the health of a family member (then trying to use guilt on you).

Your wife may not be the only one with alcohol issues. If they're willing to piss and moan over something so easy, something that directly affects your family's health, well I wouldn't feel the least bit bad about giving them the 'my way or the highway' choice. You're not being the dick here. Don't like house rules? Don't be in the house. Pretty straight forward really.
I like this approach as it will only help his wife in the long run, and helps his sister to stop and think if she has issues has well.