Alcoholism and Boundaries

[TheSiege]

So my fiance comes back from a 30 day treatment facility on the 1st. I have no problem never drinking again. My sister and her family rent out my basement. So I told her, there can no longer be any alcohol in the house ever. It did not go over well. She accused me of putting my problems onto her, she claimed she didn't agree to that stipulation, although we have no formal contract of any kind anyway. I told her she was free to move out, she pays $600 for 1800 sqft w/ all utilities included. But her husband doesn't make much at all, she says they are trying to move out but there is no way they could afford it, I doubt they have anything in savings whatsoever. I am trying to think of the best way to approach this when it comes up again. I don't think my sister is an alcoholic, but I never expected her to cling so tightly to what she calls "a lifestyle". I know its my house, and at the end of the conversation I said "No alcohol by the first or the GTFO I don't care either way" Any advice on a more productive way of approaching this situation?

 

[lxskllr]

Is alcohol really a problem if they keep to themselves?

 

[TheSiege]

Is alcohol really a problem if they keep to themselves?

Yes, the therapist and counselor and pretty much any treatment center says to get rid of any temptation you possibly can. Its that moment of weakness that you want to make alcohol not readily available. The time between them feeling the need to drink and getting ahold of a sponsor or going to a meeting or whatnot. Plus she would sneak down to the basement and drink their alcohol. Plus it makes me anxious and I shouldnt have to feel that way in my own home.

 

[SMOGZINN]

There really isn't a better way. You are very likely going to have to evict your sister and her husband.
I would recommend that you draw up a contract with them that stipulated the 'no alcohol' agreement and get them to sign it before they pay next month.

 

[lxskllr]

There really isn't a better way. You are very likely going to have to evict your sister and her husband.
I would recommend that you draw up a contract with them that stipulated the 'no alcohol' agreement and get them to sign it before they pay next month.

If he wanted to be exceptionally generous, he could take a few dollars off the rent to pay for going to the pub.

 

[pauldun170]

If rent is significantly below market value, sister would be a complete idiot to refuse a request to remove alcohol from the premises.

Her argument of you putting your problems on her is countered by her putting her problems on you by bringing up her inability to pay market rates.

Hopefully it was just the initial shock value that turned her into an asshole. Maybe she will put some actual thought into the situation and respect your wishes.

 

[SMOGZINN]

Is alcohol really a problem if they keep to themselves?

Yes. The odds of a relapse significantly increases if alcohol is available. The problem is that the craving to drink (or any other habitual addiction) comes in waves. It lasts 15-20 minutes, then reduces. Those 15-20 minutes are all important. If they have easy access to the addictive substance during one of those cravings they will most likely relapse.

 

[brianmanahan]

Plus she would sneak down to the basement and drink their alcohol.

that seems like a huge red flag

 

[TheSiege]

that seems like a huge red flag

Thats a typical addict. I am not excusing it, but she checked herself into rehab to get clean and sober. And she did what almost every alcoholic does to get a drink

 

[Genx87]

Is alcohol really a problem if they keep to themselves?

If there is an alcoholic in the house. Yes it is a problem. The alcoholic will find and drink it.

 

[SMOGZINN]

I know it is a kind of fine point, I would also point out to @TheSiege that this is not a boundary, this is a rule. Boundaries are things that can be stated as 'I will not' things that state 'You will not' are rules.

Boundaries are things you say that you will not do, rules are things you tell someone else they may not do.

 

[Genx87]

She needs to abide by house rules or get out. 600 for an 1800 sq ft apartment is generous anywhere in the country. She and her hubby can move into an 800 sq ft apartment for the same money and drink to their hearts content. Up to her.

 

[dave_the_nerd]

Yeah, this isn't about her "lifestyle" (wtf is her lifestyle that she needs to have booze on-hand all the time?) it's about not killing your fiancee.

 

[Thebobo]

I disagree with the OP as it depends on the person imo.

I have experience in this area, the first time I almost drank myself to death (was put an induced coma for over a week) second was worse because I wasn't in a coma and had to suffer the withdrawals while awake, horrible experience. I spent some time in a rehab facility but not for alcohol treatment. I never lusted after alcohol but I drank to try to relieve pain. I came out of rehab and lasted 7 years with just a couple of dinner beers. The second time I can't remember how I fell off the wagon just found myself on the kitchen floor and called for a friend's to take me to the hospital. Rinse repeat rehab and 4 years now, not going to say alcohol free because I have an occasional dinner beer but I don't desire or need to drink. But when I did then but those were for specific reasons, good or bad. Both times were a rapid acceleration of drinking to the point of abuse like in a week. I am around people some time while they are drinking, I might taste a new drink but I just don't have the desire to drink so I don't.

So i've come to the conclusion it's different for each person, those who say to avoid alcohol but how does that work in restaurants or parties ect. I don't deny alcohol I just rarely drink it. Plus I think if people really want to drink they will find a way to drink.

 

[TheSiege]

I disagree with the OP as it depends on the person imo.

I have experience in this area, the first time I almost drank myself to death (was put an induced coma for over a week) second was worse because I wasn't in a coma and had to suffer the withdrawals while awake, horrible experience. I spent some time in a rehab facility but not for alcohol treatment. I never lusted after alcohol but I drank to try to relieve pain. I came out of rehab and lasted 7 years with just a couple of dinner beers. The second time I can't remember how I fell off the wagon just found myself on the kitchen floor and called for a friend's to take me to the hospital. Rinse repeat rehab and 4 years now, not going to say alcohol free because I have an occasional dinner beer but I don't desire or need to drink. But when I did then but those were for specific reasons, good or bad. Both times were a rapid acceleration of drinking to the point of abuse like in a week. I am around people some time while they are drinking, I might taste a new drink but I just don't have the desire to drink so I don't.

So i've come to the conclusion it's different for each person, those who say to avoid alcohol but how does that work in restaurants or parties ect. I don't deny alcohol I just rarely drink it. Plus I think if people really want to drink they will find a way to drink.

I dont disagree, but we don't know how having alcohol will affect her until it affects her. She went down there to get alcohol before. I am not wanting to risk anything or any chance. Especially the first 90 days out of rehab.

 

[Thebobo]

I dont disagree, but we don't know how having alcohol will affect her until it affects her. She went down there to get alcohol before. I am not wanting to risk anything or any chance. Especially the first 90 days out of rehab.

Ahh I see, well I called my lawn mower to pick me up a gallon of vodka lol.

 

[whm1974]

She needs to abide by house rules or get out. 600 for an 1800 sq ft apartment is generous anywhere in the country. She and her hubby can move into an 800 sq ft apartment for the same money and drink to their hearts content. Up to her.

I live in small SRO HUD apartment w/ utilities included and my case worker told me that the market price for it is like ~$500 to $600 a month, so you are giving them a really good deal. If both the sister and her husband work then they should have some money saved up unless they drink it all away.

 

[Schmide]

I would approach it another way. Your fiance needs to learn to live with her problem. The fact is, unless she plans to live in a bubble, she will encounter alcohol again. Enlist your sister and family to provide a transition zone to sobriety. For a while, nothing, then some social situations where drinking is light.

Still you are right, either they work under your terms or they work somewhere else.

 

[clamum]

Good idea to remove it from the house completely. When I got out of the hospital and moved in with my parents to recover, they removed all alcohol (only my dad had a bit) from the house cause I was caught drinking some. Not everyone will be the same but I think it's a good idea, and I bet my former addiction counselor would agree. No, you can't remove alcohol from them forever, but right after rehab? Yes, I'd say absolutely it's a good idea.

Your sister has some serious issues if she's totally against it. Throw her ass out if the light doesn't turn on and she doesn't start using her brain.

 

[Chaotic42]

If they can't go without having alcohol on hand, maybe your sister and her husband need to check into rehab. Good luck, OP. This sounds like a mess.

 

[s0me0nesmind1]

You should probably PIIHB. It's the only way.

 

[s0me0nesmind1]

I sometimes contemplate if I'm an alcoholic... Then I realize shitty light beer has been in my fridge for a century and I convince myself through that that I am not addicted if I can decline drinking shitty beer

 

[SMOGZINN]

I sometimes contemplate if I'm an alcoholic... Then I realize shitty light beer has been in my fridge for a century and I convince myself through that that I am not addicted if I can decline drinking shitty beer

Do you say that to yourself with a scotch in hand?

 

[pmv]

I'm surprised that your sub-letting family members are so upset at not having booze in the home. It's not as if there aren't other places one can drink. Unless its not just about the booze, but more about the general principle of you having some sort of authority over them due to being their landlord?

 

[DietDrThunder]

So my fiance comes back from a 30 day treatment facility on the 1st. I have no problem never drinking again. My sister and her family rent out my basement. So I told her, there can no longer be any alcohol in the house ever. It did not go over well. She accused me of putting my problems onto her, she claimed she didn't agree to that stipulation, although we have no formal contract of any kind anyway. I told her she was free to move out, she pays $600 for 1800 sqft w/ all utilities included. But her husband doesn't make much at all, she says they are trying to move out but there is no way they could afford it, I doubt they have anything in savings whatsoever. I am trying to think of the best way to approach this when it comes up again. I don't think my sister is an alcoholic, but I never expected her to cling so tightly to what she calls "a lifestyle". I know its my house, and at the end of the conversation I said "No alcohol by the first or the GTFO I don't care either way" Any advice on a more productive way of approaching this situation?

To me, if your sister and your brother-in-law can afford alcohol, they can either give up the alcohol and continue living with you, or give up the alcohol and use that money to pay rent somewhere else.