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YAMGT: get rid of her?

OK, you should all remember the girl I started hooking up with (almost didn't make a move on but finally made the move on?) while I was getting over my ex. Surely everyone here remembers that, I'm known in AT-Wiki for it.

Anyway, she's been my 'buddy' (you all know what I mean by that) for about 3 months now. Its great. She's great. Life is good.

Problem is: we're so different. We sometimes question why we're friends when "I get along with all my friends except her" and "she gets along with all of her friends except me". Problem is, I know most of her friends, and they are in a "stay away" stance right now because they don't see her going anywhere.

Me:

Just graduated college, getting over a really long term ex, moved back to my home town where she still lives from high school, have a new job which pays about 2 times more than my previous job, working out, losing weight, health problems getting better.


Her:

Lived on her own since high school, no college, wants to go and even though I offer to help she seems more interested in buying the car she can't afford. Increasingly turning into a smoker (turned from one a day to a pack a day over the past few weeks). Comfortable at her current job as a front desk clerk at a hotel, excited at the opportunity to "move up" within the company. Says her job is more stressful that mine because she has to deal with the customers all day while I work in server rooms and behind a desk (she doesn't understand the meaning of "on call" rotation but ok... (I'm not saying she doesn't work hard, she does)). Doesn't understand why I carry a black berry and cell phone around and why I am always answering them, her work "ends when she leaves", why can't mine (although she's recently beginning to understand this). She always wants to drink. Every night. We stop at a bar for her to get her fix.



Anyway, I really like her. She makes me smile, she's hot, and deep down a nice girl. Sure we argue over stupid things, but she makes me go bonkers heart pounding wise, and always has. I also see her with a bright future if she just gets her act together, and I've told her mult. times I'd be willing to help.

Last night on our way home from an awesome night (bowling, movie, lobster dinner (which she paid for actually)) she tells me "You know Matt, you'd have a chance with me (as a girlfriend) if you were more on time and weren't always focusing on technology on your waist". Part of me sees this as fallacies: I have never been on time and I'm always into the blackberry, mostly for work though. This is why I like her though. She's the only friend I have who points out fallacies of mine. At first i thought it was awesome: this girl is honest and makes me realize my weaknesses. But then I realized she's the only one who says I HAVE any weaknesses. Everyone else is like "You work full time and are on call, I understand." or "you had to stay late at the office so you're late for dinner, its cool". Not her though, she gets mad.

So I haven't quite yet decided if this is a good thing. Should I continue to hang out with her, enjoy the best friend and "hot college hookup" I never had when I was in College? Or should I take my friend's advice that she is dragging me down and keeping me from moving forward (in that I can find someone as "hot" as her but more what I want emotionally and attitude wise) and ditch the whole thing?


I'm torn. I do love her though.
 
If you think you're too different, keep your distance. Get too close and it will only bite hard later with some huge unresolvable argument that delves into your fundamental ideologies.
 
I dunno, I think I'd move on after a while. Sounds like fun, but arguing over little things could very quickly turn a relationship sour if it's in a somewhat serious manner.
 
Originally posted by: BobDaMenkey
I dunno, I think I'd move on after a while. Sounds like fun, but arguing over little things could very quickly turn a relationship sour if it's in a somewhat serious manner.

unless you think you can compromise your differences... hit it while looking for something else
 
I'd vote for move on.

Don't confuse the heart-pounding stuff with love. The heart pounding feeling won't last forever. When the excitement starts to wear off you're one day going to realize that you're "dating" a girl who drinks too much, smokes too much, buys things she (& you) can't afford, and doesn't respect your career.

Remember, one of your heads has eyes, ears, a brain and gets plenty of oxygen. The other one is locked in a dark, musty, humid place and only gets enough oxygen/bloodflow about 10% of the day. While it's fun to indulge once in a while, I know which one I'd listen to in any important decisions.
 
this is what we'd call an one-itis, you need to get out now and meet other people, before it is too late.
 
If your career requires you carrying a blackberry and being on-call, your other half needs to be understanding of this. My wife knows this with me and I try to meet in the middle. But she also knows if my boss calls me or I get an alert, I have to take it. My work doesn't stop when I leave the office. Sounds to me like your "friend" doesn't get this and isn't really interested in a "career" for herself, more into having fun. I wouldn't go anywhere past friendship with her.
 
What a shame.

She dosen't seem to be on the same level of maturity as you, imo.
Originally posted by: jmdeathsquad
Originally posted by: BobDaMenkey
I dunno, I think I'd move on after a while. Sounds like fun, but arguing over little things could very quickly turn a relationship sour if it's in a somewhat serious manner.

hit it while looking for something else

QFT


 
Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Last night on our way home from an awesome night (bowling, movie, lobster dinner (which she paid for actually)) she tells me "You know Matt, you'd have a chance with me (as a girlfriend) if you were more on time and weren't always focusing on technology on your waist". Part of me sees this as fallacies: I have never been on time and I'm always into the blackberry, mostly for work though. This is why I like her though. She's the only friend I have who points out fallacies of mine. At first i thought it was awesome: this girl is honest and makes me realize my weaknesses. But then I realized she's the only one who says I HAVE any weaknesses. Everyone else is like "You work full time and are on call, I understand." or "you had to stay late at the office so you're late for dinner, its cool". Not her though, she gets mad.
Hmmm, this sounds eerily familiar

You probably won't be able to change that part, just FYI
 
Originally posted by: z42
Remember, one of your heads has eyes, ears, a brain and gets plenty of oxygen. The other one is locked in a dark, musty, humid place and only gets enough oxygen/bloodflow about 10% of the day. While it's fun to indulge once in a while, I know which one I'd listen to in any important decisions.

hahaha. thank you. very well put 🙂
 
Firstly, you dont have fallacies, she's trying to bring your self-esteem down. Don't allow that to happen. Slowly she is taking your balls and throwing them into her purse. Again don't allow that to happen.

My suggestion is, lose the deadweight. Stay in touch with her, be friends with her, give her that advice, but if you are coming out of a relationship, go out there and play the field. Why is there a need to get into another one where you can already foreshadow all the drama from it? She is already trying to change you and I never allow any chick to do that to me. Don't go into it. Love her as a friend, but she seems like a loser.

danny~!
 
you are too young to be worry about what job she has and what she does in her spare time. If she wants a drink everynight so what? italians drink wine with dinner every night and smoke ciggs like they never heard of cancer. I mean if you were both 30 and she still was a clerk and was partying every night there might be issues there. Keep the relationship casual and fun for as long it lasts and keep other options open.
 
I am confused as to what you mean by "get her act together".

She has been independent for ages, has a job, is saving for a car and enjoys her life. What in the world is wrong with that? If she is happy doing what she is doing... I don't understand the need to 'fix' her life.

I also don't understand what you mean by "going no where" Is her work demeaning, in your opinion? Is there a standard you have that determines what place a person should be at certain points in their life?

I say move on... because you seem to have expectations beyond what you will find in her.

Not trying to be difficult here... but I just don't understand what you mean by the above.

 
Originally posted by: z42
I'd vote for move on.

Don't confuse the heart-pounding stiffie with love. The heart pounding feeling won't last forever. When the excitement starts to wear off you're one day going to realize that you're "dating" a girl who drinks too much, smokes too much, buys things she (& you) can't afford, and doesn't respect your career.

Remember, one of your heads has eyes, ears, a brain and gets plenty of oxygen. The other one is locked in a dark, musty, humid place and only gets enough oxygen/bloodflow about 10% of the day. While it's fun to indulge once in a while, I know which one I'd listen to in any important decisions.


fixed it for ya ;-P
 
Originally posted by: eleison
Originally posted by: z42
I'd vote for move on.

Don't confuse the heart-pounding stiffie with love. The heart pounding feeling won't last forever. When the excitement starts to wear off you're one day going to realize that you're "dating" a girl who drinks too much, smokes too much, buys things she (& you) can't afford, and doesn't respect your career.

Remember, one of your heads has eyes, ears, a brain and gets plenty of oxygen. The other one is locked in a dark, musty, humid place and only gets enough oxygen/bloodflow about 10% of the day. While it's fun to indulge once in a while, I know which one I'd listen to in any important decisions.


fixed it for ya ;-P

TY :thumbsup:
 
Love or "buddy"? Sounds like you need to decide which it is and proceed accordingly. If you're interested in it with the caveat to change someone, you won't be happy in the long run.

If you're both willing to meet halfway and check egos at the door in order to be happy togther, good for you, things will probably work.

But, I'm not Dear Abby, so what do I know?
 
Originally posted by: TheTony
Love or "buddy"? Sounds like you need to decide which it is and proceed accordingly. If you're interested in it with the caveat to change someone, you won't be happy in the long run.

If you're both willing to meet halfway and check egos at the door in order to be happy togther, good for you, things will probably work.

But, I'm not Dear Abby, so what do I know?

Yours was smarter, more mature and an all around better post than many of the offerings in this thread.

😉
 
Originally posted by: mjuszczak

Last night on our way home from an awesome night (bowling, movie, lobster dinner (which she paid for actually)) she tells me "You know Matt, you'd have a chance with me (as a girlfriend) if you were more on time and weren't always focusing on technology on your waist". Part of me sees this as fallacies: I have never been on time and I'm always into the blackberry, mostly for work though. This is why I like her though. She's the only friend I have who points out fallacies of mine. At first i thought it was awesome: this girl is honest and makes me realize my weaknesses. But then I realized she's the only one who says I HAVE any weaknesses. Everyone else is like "You work full time and are on call, I understand." or "you had to stay late at the office so you're late for dinner, its cool". Not her though, she gets mad.
I don't think you really meant fallacies here. Fallacies are false assumptions or facts. I think you really meant faults. She was attempting to point out what she sees as your faults.

But regarding the real question, I agree with the majority of posters here. You two don't seem to be well suited. You both want to change each other, rather than accept each other for who you really are. In my experience this relationship will not work. It is fine to carry on if the two of you are both having a good time, just don't expect it to lead anywhere, and while you are boffing this girl you may miss Ms. Right.
 
I try not to make the mistake of throwing around the word love if you are considering leaving her... Its part of a culture where people today treat it as a feeling, and the recipient as a business partner to keep only when things are going good. It should be reserved for the one you've decided to cmmit the rest of your life to, after knowing her for a few years. Sure, everyone has a story about how they met someone and spend a summer or a few months with and know everything about and clicked like romeo and juliet, but they will realize at some point how naive that is...

In your case you two have clearly different ambitions... Which is more important to you? I'd be careful about taking anyone's advice here because it could lead you to throw away your true love.

Personally I could never respect a backwards sorta trailor park mentality where the girl drops out of school at 16 to work in a diner and smoke and have five children with three different guys, living with the most recent one who beats her up and she accepts it and comes back for more. Education is just a pipe dream for such people - they don't truely have the desire or the passion to know the world outside their town confines.

I hope this is not her, however. She seems to touch you in ways other girls don't. If this to you is true love, you will have to decide if you can live with her myopism, because you won't be able to change it if you haven't by now. This is not something we should offer advice on...
 
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