YAGT: what would you do? (warning, -EXTREMELY- long. possible cliff-notes)

[Ronstang]

Originally posted by: zCypher
Seems there are quite a few bitter folks here. Things are improving and just are getting better, so why would I need to prepare for years of misery? When the family's out of the way, we very much enjoy our time together. I see no reason why I would be miserable when she moves out. Nor her.

Yo are confusing bitter with experience. Like I said earlier.....if you have to fix a woman you are only fixing her for someone else. She has major issues that you THINK you have overcome...but they will resurface.

 

[zCypher]

Originally posted by: Ronstang

Originally posted by: zCypher
Seems there are quite a few bitter folks here. Things are improving and just are getting better, so why would I need to prepare for years of misery? When the family's out of the way, we very much enjoy our time together. I see no reason why I would be miserable when she moves out. Nor her.

Yo are confusing bitter with experience. Like I said earlier.....if you have to fix a woman you are only fixing her for someone else. She has major issues that you THINK you have overcome...but they will resurface.

I have barely touched the surface, there are hundreds more pages of things I could have written. Yet with this small snippet of information you can discern without doubt that these supposed problems you know so much about, will in fact resurface? You sound very confident for someone who has such small amount of information on this particular case. Not all people and situations are the same, even though many may be.

 

[zCypher]

Another thing I wanted to add is that - I'm not "fixing" her. Wtf? She is dealing with her problems (very well I might add), and I am helping her and being there for her which means a lot to her. So I don't see how I am "Fixing her" and settnig myself up for disaster via resurfacing issues.

 

[Ronstang]

Originally posted by: zCypher

Originally posted by: Ronstang

Originally posted by: zCypher
Seems there are quite a few bitter folks here. Things are improving and just are getting better, so why would I need to prepare for years of misery? When the family's out of the way, we very much enjoy our time together. I see no reason why I would be miserable when she moves out. Nor her.

Yo are confusing bitter with experience. Like I said earlier.....if you have to fix a woman you are only fixing her for someone else. She has major issues that you THINK you have overcome...but they will resurface.

I have barely touched the surface, there are hundreds more pages of things I could have written. Yet with this small snippet of information you can discern without doubt that these supposed problems you know so much about, will in fact resurface? You sound very confident for someone who has such small amount of information on this particular case. Not all people and situations are the same, even though many may be.

If you don't want the benefits of experience then why are you posting here? Someday you will look back and thing, "gee, he was right". You have given more than enough information for someone who has had a lot of experieince with women to be able to size up the situation. If you want to live in your bubble then go ahead but stop looking for advice if you don't want the truth. I'm not trying to just be "NEGATIVE", I'm telling you what I have learned the hard way more than once. I truly hope your situation works out to your satisfaction but based on my experience and what you have shared I personally don't see any long term future without a lot more heartache where you are concerned.

Good luck.....I mean this

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: zCypher
Seems there are quite a few bitter folks here. Things are improving and just are getting better, so why would I need to prepare for years of misery? When the family's out of the way, we very much enjoy our time together. I see no reason why I would be miserable when she moves out. Nor her.

Ok so if we post an opinion that you don't agree with we are bitter? From the info you gave your relationship sounded more like a train wreck than a good thing. All we can comment on is what we have read.

BTW, are you and her American? Iask because her family doesn't sound like your typical American Family (unless you are some sort of freakish sect of the Baptist Church) nor does your patience sound like that of a typical American Youth in his sexual prime.

 

[amnesiac]

She has issues, let her sort them out.

The second you start viewing yourself as her saviour or as someone who can "fix" or "right the wrongs" in her life or her mind, you will get beat up and trampled on. This is inevitable.

Either she fixes herself and you accept that, or you leave. You have no other choice.

But for God's sake DON'T TRY AND CHANGE HER. From the moment you try to convince her to change her lifestyle and get between her and her family, you will be doomed.

If you were truly meant to be together, both you and her would know. It's a two-way street and if she doesn't want a proper relationship, she doesn't want a proper relationship. Get over it. You're not in love, you're infatuated. Big difference.

My advice from someone who's been in the EXACT SAME SITUATION as you several times over?

Cut your losses. Get out while you can. Leave and never look back no matter how much it hurts, because you WILL get even more hurt if you press on.

 

[zCypher]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: zCypher
Seems there are quite a few bitter folks here. Things are improving and just are getting better, so why would I need to prepare for years of misery? When the family's out of the way, we very much enjoy our time together. I see no reason why I would be miserable when she moves out. Nor her.

Ok so if we post an opinion that you don't agree with we are bitter? From the info you gave your relationship sounded more like a train wreck than a good thing. All we can comment on is what we have read.

BTW, are you and her American? Iask because her family doesn't sound like your typical American Family (unless you are some sort of freakish sect of the Baptist Church) nor does your patience sound like that of a typical American Youth in his sexual prime.

You posting an opinion I don't agree with doesn't mean you're bitter but I was just saying there does seem to be a lot of bitter people here. In any case, to answer your question - neither of us are "American" per se, her less so than I. I am Canadian, of English/Irish/French descent, but both my parents are from here as well so we're all pretty much just regular bilingual Canadians. As for the gf her parents are from Trinidad, so that would probably explain a lot for you.

Why does my patience not sound like that of a typical American Youth in his sexual prime? And what you think Americans have a more rampant sexual prime? lol. I care about her more than I've cared about anyone as I can recall. I would never have been this patient with anyone else, and I haven't. I've been with other women and I never had what I have with my current gf. It's just not the same. I'm not a "pimpin mofo" by any stretch but I haven't been starved horribly in the women department either. I'm not one of those "oh I'll settle for this cause I don't know what better is like" type guy ... I just care about her that much. And I REALLY disagree with the bit about infatuation. I remember being infatuated with a girl a few years ago, and i know what that was like.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: zCypher

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: zCypher
Seems there are quite a few bitter folks here. Things are improving and just are getting better, so why would I need to prepare for years of misery? When the family's out of the way, we very much enjoy our time together. I see no reason why I would be miserable when she moves out. Nor her.

Ok so if we post an opinion that you don't agree with we are bitter? From the info you gave your relationship sounded more like a train wreck than a good thing. All we can comment on is what we have read.

BTW, are you and her American? Iask because her family doesn't sound like your typical American Family (unless you are some sort of freakish sect of the Baptist Church) nor does your patience sound like that of a typical American Youth in his sexual prime.

You posting an opinion I don't agree with doesn't mean you're bitter but I was just saying there does seem to be a lot of bitter people here. In any case, to answer your question - neither of us are "American" per se, her less so than I. I am Canadian, of English/Irish/French descent, but both my parents are from here as well so we're all pretty much just regular bilingual Canadians. As for the gf her parents are from Trinidad, so that would probably explain a lot for you.

Why does my patience not sound like that of a typical American Youth in his sexual prime? And what you think Americans have a more rampant sexual prime? lol. I care about her more than I've cared about anyone as I can recall. I would never have been this patient with anyone else, and I haven't. I've been with other women and I never had what I have with my current gf. It's just not the same. I'm not a "pimpin mofo" by any stretch but I haven't been starved horribly in the women department either. I'm not one of those "oh I'll settle for this cause I don't know what better is like" type guy ... I just care about her that much. And I REALLY disagree with the bit about infatuation. I remember being infatuated with a girl a few years ago, and i know what that was like.

Well only you know exactly how you feel. I doubt that you are really looking for advice, just someone to tell you that you are doing what is best. Of course that's just an opinion from an outsider looking in.

 

[AreaCode707]

Aside from the domestic violence part, this girl sounds a lot like me. I also kind of think that if your definition of a progressing relationship *must* include the physical (before marriage), then you two are destined to have more problems as your relationship advances.

As for the domestic violence stuff, which seems to be the real issue here, her family is not bound to pay for her schooling if she's over 18. As messed up as it may be, as long as she's under their roof, she should be coming in at the times they require. Help her establish financial independence, get loans, move out, everything you need to to keep her safe, but don't expect anything from her family if you're not doing it their way.

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: zCypher
She *does* realize that it's bad, but she doesn't really see how life is supposed to be. I'm opening up her eyes a bit I think.. I hope.

Not that she's in a good situation, and you obviously really care about her, but in some ways I wonder if you might be a little domineering. I'm not trying to play feminist here, I just see a potential extra part to this story. How life is SUPPOSED to be... according to you. What kind of things does that include that she's uncomfortable with? Like kissing? While it's extremely extremely rare to find people who don't want to kiss before marriage, I don't think that it's necessarily something that is or isn't *supposed to* take place. Definitely she isn't supposed to be in an abusive situation, but what other things do you think are part of how life is "supposed to" be like that she doesn't seem to be experiencing?

 

[zCypher]

Hotchic,

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. And i know exactly what you're getting at, and I understand why you'd get that impression. I didn't mean to sound that way, however. I don't mean she is "supposed" to do any certain physical acts by any certain point, I don't even think about marriage, that's not a focus to me right now really, nor to her. Obviously (thank god). I think its clear enough that I didn't pressure her, but I didn't mean that she's "supposed" to kiss or do whatever before marriage or any time. We did kiss (her first), and it was everything I imagined (it wasn't my first kiss, but it was way better than with anyone I'd been with before).

I don't think it's only the physical aspect that needs to progress but like it or not, physical IS one aspect of a relationship, and ALL aspects need to progress, grow, mature, whatever. She had told me she loved me way before we even kissed, and that meant a lot to me coming from her. In my view that was a milestone, we had made progress in my opinion. So I hope that answers some of your questions

 

[jjones]

You need to get laid. These kinds of problems will soon take a back seat to wild sex.

 

[Rainsford]

1) That first post took me 5 minutes to read. Those of you with thousands of posts bitching about that post being too long obviously don't see the irony there
2) All you can do is support her. Anger will get you no where, and like it or not, as long as they aren't breaking any laws (you didn't say whether or not they actually harmed her in any way) and are paying for her schooling, she pretty much has to put up with it. Maybe it sucks, but there it is. You can support her and hopefully she will slowly come out from under the shadow of what sounds like a poor family situation.

But whatever you do, do not do either of the following things! Do not try and help her "fight" her family unless they are actually physically hurting her or breaking any laws. There is nothing you can do in that situation, and characterizing your relationship with her as a negative one is never a good idea. I know you view fighting her family as a good thing to do from her, but it will take on a life of its own and consume your relationship. Trust me on that.

Secondly, do not try and change her. You've shown lots of patience, and I aplaud you for that. Don't ruin it now by trying to make her into something she's not.

The absolute best thing you can do is simply be there and be supportive. I suspect your relationship probably means a lot to her because you shared a first kiss after she waited so long, it means more at your age than in middle school. She will appreciate your love and support if you can manage to hold down your impatience with her and your anger at her family. If you can't do that, your relationship is destined to fail. You can't change what she does, you can't change what her family does, you can only change what you do. Accept that and you'll be a lot better off.

 

[zCypher]

I am not trying to change her. I just wanted any ideas if there was something I could do that would help, that I haven't thought of yet. I'm not trying to make her into something she's not. I don't want that. I want her to be herself, not some result of me changing her. what would be the poitn if thats not really hwo the person is?

 

[Zhou]

too much crap to read it all... I read through the orginial post.


You really need to learn 'the system'

www.askmen.com

 

[Stark]

you need to have your heart broken a few times.

it sounds like you're holding on a little too tight, and the only thing that will fix that is that empty, crushed feeling a woman can administer.

and if she's a good student and you're a drop out, her dad is right in not liking you. get your act together before you start making future plans with his daughter.

 

[Turkish]

damn i cant believe i read all that

well there isnt much i can say about it but it seems like she needs to understand that her family is creating a problemous life for her right now / and probably will in the future.

and please dont get involved too much with her family because if something happens between you and her family it ll probably hurt her the most (her family freeing their anger on her, not you)...

i dont know man, this situation sucks!

goodluck.

 

[zCypher]

lol

thanks for all the replies, everyone. some of them were stupid, some stupidly funny... and quite a decent amount of very good replies, and yes I appreciate your input as well Red Dawn. Thanks again. I just wanted to see what others thought/would say about all this. plus it feels good to just get it all out

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: zCypher
Hotchic,

I don't think it's only the physical aspect that needs to progress but like it or not, physical IS one aspect of a relationship, and ALL aspects need to progress, grow, mature, whatever. She had told me she loved me way before we even kissed, and that meant a lot to me coming from her. In my view that was a milestone, we had made progress in my opinion. So I hope that answers some of your questions

Perceptive; you did get exactly what I was getting at. Sounds like you've got a fair grip on the situation. If you choose to sit it out, hope it doesn't take too long, and if you help her move out, I hope that all goes well.

 

[zCypher]

Thanks HC. I do have a fair grip on the situation, at least I like to think so. I don't really want to "sit it out", but I'm not going to leave her cause her family sucks balls either. I know what it's like to have a family piss you off.