- Aug 18, 2002
- 6,115
- 171
- 116
(total word count : about 3000) cliffnotes at bottom
I'm not typically a YAGT poster, but I just need to get this off my chest, hopefully I'll be a little more clear-minded tomorrow for my 12-hour day.
Anyway.. this will probably turn out rather long. So this spans quite a long period, about two years. I met my current gf during the beginning of my first semester of college which was two years ago. At the time I don't think we thought that much of each other. She was shy, and I was just getting away from being shy but wasn't quite outgoing. I met her through a girl I met in one of my classes. I started talking to her cause she seemed really into the course, hard-working, etc and overall seemed like a good person to associate myself with. I wanted to try and do better, cause my history at school was pretty sh1tty, I always just barely got by and I never did homework, never tried much, etc. So I got to know her, and then my current gf at the time was her best friend.
So after talking to her once, we ended up hanging out on our own between classes and we pretty much argued about various things the whole time. It was kinda amusing but it was fun. She had a kind of confidence to her that I never saw in anyone before. Not really the way she acted, but just the way she ... seemed, I guess. Hard to explain. At that point I never really thought much would come of us two, I wasn't really interested at all.
I don't really know how to explain how or why, but the more time I spent with her the more I became interested and wanted to spend more time with her. It was different than with other people. She turned out to be this hopeless romantic type... the type that's really all into the whole romance thing, true love blah blah blah.. but the type that also feels like it would never happen to them in a million years. She had never dated. She was isolated to her books and studies. That was her pasttime, reading and studying and doing her family's bidding.
It was strange cause she never struck me as the type of girl I would 'go' for, but I wanted to be with her more and more. So after a couple months of knowing her, hanging out during breaks at college, etc, we tried a 'relationship'. We had ended up becoming close somehow, just being friends. Just simple things like her leaning on me, and we'd always be attacking (tickling) one another.. but she'd be comfortable with it, which is very important.
Her attitude/outlook at the time was ''she'd never date X kind of guy, she'd never be with someone who's X type", etc.. basically she wouldn't even consider someone who drinks or does drugs, or etc.. the whole high "morals" thing. Now I don't have a problem with that really, except that I DO drink recreationally (not a habit), and I have like many many people tried weed, yay I've done it a few times in my 20 years of life time. Big deal. But at the time, to her.. something like that WOULD be a VERY huge deal.
So after a couple months of (unspoken) semi-flirting, I finally decided to have a chat with her and tell her how I feel and that something has to change, cause I can't keep going like this and just be friends, I'd want more. Duh. So we spend hours talking about this and finally we come to a "conclusion" and decide to try a relationship. It was such a big deal to try and get an answer out of her, it was like having a debate. She was so thickheaded about it, its like she was closed off from reality. Why did I bother? Most guys would have just stayed away. I don't know.
So, we dated for a month at that point and nothing happened. It was hell just to try and hold her hand. Most guys would say @!#$ THAT after a couple days. We never really "dated" we were just "Bf/gf" and only really saw each other at school, and even then it was ultimately pathetic when you consider what a relationship is supposed to be. yet I stuck around. eventually I told her I couldn't take it anymore, cause it seemed like she didn't care, and I had feelings for her, etc.. and i couldn't stay in a relationship where NOTHING happened. We were CLOSER as friends than as a supposed "couple".
So it 'ended'. That was ok for a while and we seemed to be closer again, but then after being ''closer'' for a while as ''friends'', I couldn't take it anymore. It brought out the old feelings, and I just wanted more.. I wanted something of it. I couldn't stand just being close but yet so far from her, bound by "friendship only". So I go for it once more and say hey why don't we try this one more time. There was SO much talk, debate, discussion and much pain involved in all of this. At this point I already wouldn't know a single guy that would have bothered at that point. It would seem like an utterly hopeless case.
For the second time we dated... at first I thought things were going ok, but then I soon realized they were exactly the same. The relationship was going nowhere, I felt miserable, she was too apprehensive/shy to do anything.. I didn't pressure her, but I let her know how I feel and how it affected me. We communicated perfectly fine, we talked about stuff all the time. It just wasn't changing or making progress though and it was eating me up inside.
Finally I was convinced I had had enough and I had to break it off for good. I did it pretty badly too .. as she was leaving one afternoon I told her it couldn't continue (we had already discussed a lot earlier... and she seemed a certainly hopeless case). I told her I couldn't be with her with things the way they were, etc etc, and that it had to end NOW. In other words I broke up with her as she was leaving for the day, and it made both our days quite miserable. Man that time sucked ass.
So I was sure that was the best thing to do, and to just get away.. but I wanted to keep her as a friend at least, but I realized that it would be impossible to even be friends. After a few months of not being together - even though I could see anyone else, and I wasn't just staying home ... I always ended up missing her, and getting the feeling that I want to be with her. It started pissing me off more and more, until eventually I caved in and I brought it up AGAIN. There is SO much I'm leaving out in all this, but lets just say we talked about EVERYTHING so much that the topic was really beaten to death. I told her how I couldn't stand to not be with her. To see her regularly and just be some guy thats there and be nothing more to her than 'some friend'.
Once again I told her how I felt. Keep in mind at this point we had dated twice already, and we had done nothing more than hold hands and hug. This is after knowing each other for a year and dating a total of a few months. Most people kiss after the second or third date, and if nothing happens after a couple weeks or a month, they move on. That's most people judging from people I know. Somehow I still stuck around? What baffled me is that I had done stuff with other women before, and I stopped that when I realized I had nothing more than the physical aspect, cause it felt empty. I wanted something fulfilling. Yet I had NO physical aspect with this girl, and I still stuck around.
Anyway... we finally agree on trying it once more, but I made it quite clear that this was it. Third strike.. if it didn't work out, I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore, I just couldn't. It had to work, or that's it. Game over. So we start the relationship, again. We go out to movies and whatever, do normal activities that couples might go to together. After a while I start to see that not much is changing. She made lots of progress from the beginning, not being as shy and such - but the essential problems remained. No progress had really been made. It started to sink in,. and I started to get into a more depressive state.
I ended up sending her an hours worth of offline icq messages after getting home from hanging out with my buddies one night, while she was out at a family gathering. I pretty much went nuts, let it all out... and let her know that I was on my last string, and that things really haven't changed (although I did let her know that I acknowledge the progress that she has made), and that I can't continue if things don't change NOW (cause I had enough of those SAME convos).
So finally I get a hold of her again the next day, and we don't talk much about it until later. So she had school the next day and I had a big day at work. I didn't care, I would still see her regardless of what I do the next day. She wanted to put it off till the next day after work, but finally she said fvck it and she came over to talk about it right away (that's more like it). So at this point we knew each other TWO YEARS, never even kissed. I tried everything I could think of to make her as comfortable as possible and obviously I try to encourage her etc, but I'm not gonna go through with a move if she's not responding, you know how it works.
So she's over, and nearly two hours pass, and nothing productive is happening. All she can say is "I dunno..." and hesitate and not really say much, cause after all we had discussed everything already so many times. We just lie there, and the time is ticking. I'm feeling quite discouraged, and losing all hope pretty much. There I was with someone I wanted to be with so badly and I couldn't even kiss them (she had never kissed a guy.. this was the one reason I held backfrom just DOING it).
It's not like I didn't try. I would brush pass her lightly, i'd be in perfect time/place for her to let it happen or go for it, but it would never happen. All that I've tried/done would pretty much make ANY girl I know just MELT and the girls I've talked to about it make that even more obvious. But she would always hesitate/get out of it. Finally, we're half asleep, and i'm close like usual, and this time when i pass by her lips, she doesn't move away quite as much.. and it just falls into place. I'm shocked it's actually happening. IT just happened, just like that. I didn't get one minute of sleep that night. Kissing her, despite it being her first kiss, us being half asleep, etc etc and all things considered... was exactly like i had always imagined, and it was amazing. We did that for about 5 hours (and no I didn't push for any further, it was enough for her to take in one night, considering how much of a hopeless romantic she is), and no I didn't get bored for one second. It was infinitely better than anything I did with previous girls despite what they looked like or whatever we did.
So at this point I'm thinking, great... we finally got past that huge barrier, it was like a huge weight lifted off my chest. The big L word was exchanged, and she ended up leaving at like 6 in the morning, and I worked all day on no sleep. It felt surreal. For her to do and say what she did, means so much more than anything anyone else has ever said, just cause of what I know of her and how much I do in fact know her.
So now, if you're still reading... comes the underlying problem to all this history. Basically all that suffering and agony and all our problems are rooted with her family. She has an insane fvcking overprotective family. She's 19 now. She's not supposed to be out late, she has to say where shes going who she'll be with when she'll be back, all the time? They take it to an INSANE level. It's such a bad situation that she seriously fears for her physical safety when returning home if she's even a bit later than she's "supposed" to. She was certain she would have been floored when she returned home after staying the night. Should any daughter be severely beaten for sleeping over somewhere? What happened to trust?
Basically I can't stand all the BS from her family and I can only imagine how it makes her feel, and she has to go through this every day and put up with their BS all the time, and somehow she manages to put up with it and they still get the time of day with her. It amazes me. There were times when she was dead certain that her bro or her dad would floor her, and there has been history of domestic violence problems in the household. I can't imagine what I would do if I heard she got home one night and her bro or father tried something. I fear for ME (jail time?) if I let myself loose on them after they did something. I've never experienced such intense hate for someone before. Imagining the scenario makes my blood boil. It makes me think... I don't know if there IS a limit to what I'd do for her.
She is just finishing college now. She is supposed to move out for university, but I don't see why she should live one more second in that household. It's making her life miserable. We miraculously managed to get past the problems in our relationship, with her living in that hell of a house, and it still hinders and affects both of us daily. She has to go home cause she's afraid for her safety if she's too late? WTF kind of freaking BS is that. She is into the medieval stuff, swords and daggers and stuff. Big LOTR/potter fan, sword of truth, etc.. into all that sort of thing. She got herself a dagger from a magic shop. A REAL dagger. Not some toy. So now I figure, great.. she can keep it with her if she feels threatened. But wtf what if something does happen? I don't want it to have to come to that, and I'd rather have the satisfaction of beating one of them down myself than her have to do something like inflict that kind of pain upon one of her own family members herself. Not that they've caused her any less pain, but thats not how the world works.
So... what should I do? I've told her she could talk to someone in social services and see if she can get a restraining order, and get them to force her family to pay/support her to go to school? I believe her family is legally bound to support her if she's a student which she is indeed. I want something to be resolved before either they pull something stupid, in turn causing me to do something REALLY stupid, or worse yet she requires to do something self defense and makes use of that dagger. That's not the reason she bought it, but it can be used for that.
I don't usually post YAGT threads, and I know this is a terribly long one and probably awfully boring to most of you, but I hope some of you take the time to read and understand it. I'm not some pimplegeek dork who's asking "how do I talk to this girl?!?!" or whatever - I'm hoping SOMEONE will offer some sound advise or at least their opinion on something. Crossing my fingers here.
Thanks in advance for any input. PMs/emails are acceptable but posts in here are perfectly fine. The stupid posts will be frowned upon. Cliff-notes to come.
CLIFF-NOTES:
[*]Met girl in first year of college. Got to know said girl more and more.
[*]Attempted dating and failed miserably. Nothing happened. Attempted again, failed miserably again. Much pain and anguish.
[*]finally tried a third time and things seemed to go better, but then realized they really weren't
[*]after an eternity, progress is finally made. passed insane milestone/block
[*]girls family is insane, overprotective, violent, dangerous
[*]just read the damn post you have nothing better to do right now anyway and it's more interesting than most stuff here OK!
I'm not typically a YAGT poster, but I just need to get this off my chest, hopefully I'll be a little more clear-minded tomorrow for my 12-hour day.
Anyway.. this will probably turn out rather long. So this spans quite a long period, about two years. I met my current gf during the beginning of my first semester of college which was two years ago. At the time I don't think we thought that much of each other. She was shy, and I was just getting away from being shy but wasn't quite outgoing. I met her through a girl I met in one of my classes. I started talking to her cause she seemed really into the course, hard-working, etc and overall seemed like a good person to associate myself with. I wanted to try and do better, cause my history at school was pretty sh1tty, I always just barely got by and I never did homework, never tried much, etc. So I got to know her, and then my current gf at the time was her best friend.
So after talking to her once, we ended up hanging out on our own between classes and we pretty much argued about various things the whole time. It was kinda amusing but it was fun. She had a kind of confidence to her that I never saw in anyone before. Not really the way she acted, but just the way she ... seemed, I guess. Hard to explain. At that point I never really thought much would come of us two, I wasn't really interested at all.
I don't really know how to explain how or why, but the more time I spent with her the more I became interested and wanted to spend more time with her. It was different than with other people. She turned out to be this hopeless romantic type... the type that's really all into the whole romance thing, true love blah blah blah.. but the type that also feels like it would never happen to them in a million years. She had never dated. She was isolated to her books and studies. That was her pasttime, reading and studying and doing her family's bidding.
It was strange cause she never struck me as the type of girl I would 'go' for, but I wanted to be with her more and more. So after a couple months of knowing her, hanging out during breaks at college, etc, we tried a 'relationship'. We had ended up becoming close somehow, just being friends. Just simple things like her leaning on me, and we'd always be attacking (tickling) one another.. but she'd be comfortable with it, which is very important.
Her attitude/outlook at the time was ''she'd never date X kind of guy, she'd never be with someone who's X type", etc.. basically she wouldn't even consider someone who drinks or does drugs, or etc.. the whole high "morals" thing. Now I don't have a problem with that really, except that I DO drink recreationally (not a habit), and I have like many many people tried weed, yay I've done it a few times in my 20 years of life time. Big deal. But at the time, to her.. something like that WOULD be a VERY huge deal.
So after a couple months of (unspoken) semi-flirting, I finally decided to have a chat with her and tell her how I feel and that something has to change, cause I can't keep going like this and just be friends, I'd want more. Duh. So we spend hours talking about this and finally we come to a "conclusion" and decide to try a relationship. It was such a big deal to try and get an answer out of her, it was like having a debate. She was so thickheaded about it, its like she was closed off from reality. Why did I bother? Most guys would have just stayed away. I don't know.
So, we dated for a month at that point and nothing happened. It was hell just to try and hold her hand. Most guys would say @!#$ THAT after a couple days. We never really "dated" we were just "Bf/gf" and only really saw each other at school, and even then it was ultimately pathetic when you consider what a relationship is supposed to be. yet I stuck around. eventually I told her I couldn't take it anymore, cause it seemed like she didn't care, and I had feelings for her, etc.. and i couldn't stay in a relationship where NOTHING happened. We were CLOSER as friends than as a supposed "couple".
So it 'ended'. That was ok for a while and we seemed to be closer again, but then after being ''closer'' for a while as ''friends'', I couldn't take it anymore. It brought out the old feelings, and I just wanted more.. I wanted something of it. I couldn't stand just being close but yet so far from her, bound by "friendship only". So I go for it once more and say hey why don't we try this one more time. There was SO much talk, debate, discussion and much pain involved in all of this. At this point I already wouldn't know a single guy that would have bothered at that point. It would seem like an utterly hopeless case.
For the second time we dated... at first I thought things were going ok, but then I soon realized they were exactly the same. The relationship was going nowhere, I felt miserable, she was too apprehensive/shy to do anything.. I didn't pressure her, but I let her know how I feel and how it affected me. We communicated perfectly fine, we talked about stuff all the time. It just wasn't changing or making progress though and it was eating me up inside.
Finally I was convinced I had had enough and I had to break it off for good. I did it pretty badly too .. as she was leaving one afternoon I told her it couldn't continue (we had already discussed a lot earlier... and she seemed a certainly hopeless case). I told her I couldn't be with her with things the way they were, etc etc, and that it had to end NOW. In other words I broke up with her as she was leaving for the day, and it made both our days quite miserable. Man that time sucked ass.
So I was sure that was the best thing to do, and to just get away.. but I wanted to keep her as a friend at least, but I realized that it would be impossible to even be friends. After a few months of not being together - even though I could see anyone else, and I wasn't just staying home ... I always ended up missing her, and getting the feeling that I want to be with her. It started pissing me off more and more, until eventually I caved in and I brought it up AGAIN. There is SO much I'm leaving out in all this, but lets just say we talked about EVERYTHING so much that the topic was really beaten to death. I told her how I couldn't stand to not be with her. To see her regularly and just be some guy thats there and be nothing more to her than 'some friend'.
Once again I told her how I felt. Keep in mind at this point we had dated twice already, and we had done nothing more than hold hands and hug. This is after knowing each other for a year and dating a total of a few months. Most people kiss after the second or third date, and if nothing happens after a couple weeks or a month, they move on. That's most people judging from people I know. Somehow I still stuck around? What baffled me is that I had done stuff with other women before, and I stopped that when I realized I had nothing more than the physical aspect, cause it felt empty. I wanted something fulfilling. Yet I had NO physical aspect with this girl, and I still stuck around.
Anyway... we finally agree on trying it once more, but I made it quite clear that this was it. Third strike.. if it didn't work out, I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore, I just couldn't. It had to work, or that's it. Game over. So we start the relationship, again. We go out to movies and whatever, do normal activities that couples might go to together. After a while I start to see that not much is changing. She made lots of progress from the beginning, not being as shy and such - but the essential problems remained. No progress had really been made. It started to sink in,. and I started to get into a more depressive state.
I ended up sending her an hours worth of offline icq messages after getting home from hanging out with my buddies one night, while she was out at a family gathering. I pretty much went nuts, let it all out... and let her know that I was on my last string, and that things really haven't changed (although I did let her know that I acknowledge the progress that she has made), and that I can't continue if things don't change NOW (cause I had enough of those SAME convos).
So finally I get a hold of her again the next day, and we don't talk much about it until later. So she had school the next day and I had a big day at work. I didn't care, I would still see her regardless of what I do the next day. She wanted to put it off till the next day after work, but finally she said fvck it and she came over to talk about it right away (that's more like it). So at this point we knew each other TWO YEARS, never even kissed. I tried everything I could think of to make her as comfortable as possible and obviously I try to encourage her etc, but I'm not gonna go through with a move if she's not responding, you know how it works.
So she's over, and nearly two hours pass, and nothing productive is happening. All she can say is "I dunno..." and hesitate and not really say much, cause after all we had discussed everything already so many times. We just lie there, and the time is ticking. I'm feeling quite discouraged, and losing all hope pretty much. There I was with someone I wanted to be with so badly and I couldn't even kiss them (she had never kissed a guy.. this was the one reason I held backfrom just DOING it).
It's not like I didn't try. I would brush pass her lightly, i'd be in perfect time/place for her to let it happen or go for it, but it would never happen. All that I've tried/done would pretty much make ANY girl I know just MELT and the girls I've talked to about it make that even more obvious. But she would always hesitate/get out of it. Finally, we're half asleep, and i'm close like usual, and this time when i pass by her lips, she doesn't move away quite as much.. and it just falls into place. I'm shocked it's actually happening. IT just happened, just like that. I didn't get one minute of sleep that night. Kissing her, despite it being her first kiss, us being half asleep, etc etc and all things considered... was exactly like i had always imagined, and it was amazing. We did that for about 5 hours (and no I didn't push for any further, it was enough for her to take in one night, considering how much of a hopeless romantic she is), and no I didn't get bored for one second. It was infinitely better than anything I did with previous girls despite what they looked like or whatever we did.
So at this point I'm thinking, great... we finally got past that huge barrier, it was like a huge weight lifted off my chest. The big L word was exchanged, and she ended up leaving at like 6 in the morning, and I worked all day on no sleep. It felt surreal. For her to do and say what she did, means so much more than anything anyone else has ever said, just cause of what I know of her and how much I do in fact know her.
So now, if you're still reading... comes the underlying problem to all this history. Basically all that suffering and agony and all our problems are rooted with her family. She has an insane fvcking overprotective family. She's 19 now. She's not supposed to be out late, she has to say where shes going who she'll be with when she'll be back, all the time? They take it to an INSANE level. It's such a bad situation that she seriously fears for her physical safety when returning home if she's even a bit later than she's "supposed" to. She was certain she would have been floored when she returned home after staying the night. Should any daughter be severely beaten for sleeping over somewhere? What happened to trust?
Basically I can't stand all the BS from her family and I can only imagine how it makes her feel, and she has to go through this every day and put up with their BS all the time, and somehow she manages to put up with it and they still get the time of day with her. It amazes me. There were times when she was dead certain that her bro or her dad would floor her, and there has been history of domestic violence problems in the household. I can't imagine what I would do if I heard she got home one night and her bro or father tried something. I fear for ME (jail time?) if I let myself loose on them after they did something. I've never experienced such intense hate for someone before. Imagining the scenario makes my blood boil. It makes me think... I don't know if there IS a limit to what I'd do for her.
She is just finishing college now. She is supposed to move out for university, but I don't see why she should live one more second in that household. It's making her life miserable. We miraculously managed to get past the problems in our relationship, with her living in that hell of a house, and it still hinders and affects both of us daily. She has to go home cause she's afraid for her safety if she's too late? WTF kind of freaking BS is that. She is into the medieval stuff, swords and daggers and stuff. Big LOTR/potter fan, sword of truth, etc.. into all that sort of thing. She got herself a dagger from a magic shop. A REAL dagger. Not some toy. So now I figure, great.. she can keep it with her if she feels threatened. But wtf what if something does happen? I don't want it to have to come to that, and I'd rather have the satisfaction of beating one of them down myself than her have to do something like inflict that kind of pain upon one of her own family members herself. Not that they've caused her any less pain, but thats not how the world works.
So... what should I do? I've told her she could talk to someone in social services and see if she can get a restraining order, and get them to force her family to pay/support her to go to school? I believe her family is legally bound to support her if she's a student which she is indeed. I want something to be resolved before either they pull something stupid, in turn causing me to do something REALLY stupid, or worse yet she requires to do something self defense and makes use of that dagger. That's not the reason she bought it, but it can be used for that.
I don't usually post YAGT threads, and I know this is a terribly long one and probably awfully boring to most of you, but I hope some of you take the time to read and understand it. I'm not some pimplegeek dork who's asking "how do I talk to this girl?!?!" or whatever - I'm hoping SOMEONE will offer some sound advise or at least their opinion on something. Crossing my fingers here.
Thanks in advance for any input. PMs/emails are acceptable but posts in here are perfectly fine. The stupid posts will be frowned upon. Cliff-notes to come.
CLIFF-NOTES:
[*]Met girl in first year of college. Got to know said girl more and more.
[*]Attempted dating and failed miserably. Nothing happened. Attempted again, failed miserably again. Much pain and anguish.
[*]finally tried a third time and things seemed to go better, but then realized they really weren't
[*]after an eternity, progress is finally made. passed insane milestone/block
[*]girls family is insane, overprotective, violent, dangerous
[*]just read the damn post you have nothing better to do right now anyway and it's more interesting than most stuff here OK!
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