*UPDATE* I'm running on zero sleep right now.... I went up there around 10 last night and we talked until the morning. I did not tell her I read her email.... and you guys can say whatever you want about that. It was a stupid thing to do... I will not do it again, it was wrong, but telling her will only do damage... it won't help anything.
I did however work my way to the issues that I found in the email... and as always the conclusion should have been. Don't jump to conclusions....
First to clear something up... we are NOT in an open relationship. She has a weird family... who believes that you should always be dating other people, and be on the lookout for someone better up until the point where you get engaged. This is a reality that has been pushed on her day in day out by her mother especially since the beginning of the relationship. The push to be able to date other guys has come from that... but she decided back in September... when she was supposed to date this guy "Jeff" who she was set up with... that she wasn't going to be with anyone but me. She did meet the guy Jeff, but it wasn't a date.... and NOTHING happened. She thought he was a cool guy, and was feeling pressure from all kinds of directions to date him, but she didnt she stayed loyal to me. AND I BELIEVE HER.
Then february she was at the wedding.... and in the past every wedding she went to was date prospecting heaven.... in this case this guy Jeff was there, and the pressure to approach was again applied. All her friends were taking bets on who was gonna make out with who... including her friends with boyfriends back home... This whole thing freaked her out and prompted her to call me... However the whole time the only guy she was thinking about was me... and again nothing even came close to happening. AND I BELIEVE HER.
She is still very shaky on whether I'm the "one". She's concerned about a couple of issues they are.... 1.) How I am with money, and if I'm a "go-getter". 2.) I'm messy.
This lead to a whole other discussion/problem... but thats the subject for another YAGT at another time.
So basically I was waaaay off base. And I feel like an asshole. You guys can flame me all you want... but this whole flipping your life upside down thing has me pretty twisted, and I just plain snapped a little there.
But it does seem I was jumping the gun a bit on the whole proposal thing.... we're not ready yet. I find out tommorow where she matches... and from that I'll have an idea exactly how much time we have left to get it right.
*Update*
Thursday I find out where she goes, and at this point I'm going completely off the deep end and need a way to calm down.
I did a terrible thing already... I went through her email... all of it, back to 2 years ago.... I freaked out at every single word of hesitency... I revisited the old pain of when I wasn't the only guy she was seeing. I've aroused probably ridiculous assumptions, and suspicions.... I'm losing my mind here.... I need a way to calm down.... I don't know what to do.
Details are this.... in her mailbox, the overwhelming majority of emails are to me, or about me... email after email showing pics to her friends of her and I.... email after email telling them how great I am, and that she's not sure if I'm the one, but that I might be.
We started dating in April 04. She made it clear in the beginning that it was not a relationship, and that it was not exclusive. In sept 04... she did a hospital rotation in Atlanta, GA. At that point we were "together"... but she made it very clear that if she had the opp to go on a date or two that she wanted to be free to do so. At this point in our relationship it's clear by her emails, and what I knew then, that she was very guarded to the possibility of her moving away....
Well in september I found an email to her relatives talking about me, but mentioning a "prospect" in Atlanta.... after sept it's all me me me in the emails....
Then in February she went on a cross country road trip with her girls for 3 weeks, including a stop for a wedding in arizona. On valentines day... february 14th, I see an email from her, to her best friend in India.
"Next week I'm going to Arizona, where I'll see Jeff again. Fun stuff."
no real mention of me. Her friend responds back and asks about me.
she responds...
"<friends name>, how am I going to be good at the wedding. I'm more and more into max now too and really don't want to mess things up, but at the same time, my mom even
told me on the phone yesterday (since max spent the day with my family),
that I'd become resentful of him for many of his traits and I know that's
true!"
So I cross reference the name Jeff, finding his name both on the mailing list for wedding people, and at the same time finding his name in a series of interchanges regarding her trip to atlanta. There is little doubt in my mind that this is the "prospect" from atlanta.
The night before the the wedding... we had this weird discussion about cheating, and bachelorette parties etc. She said some crap essentially saying she would forgive me if I did something bad while drunk. And I immed responded back with hell no, that wouldnt be ok under any circumstances.... regardless of alcohol, and the same applied to her.
The next day after the wedding I asked her point blank... did she behave herself at the wedding... and she said she did... and that she didnt even get drunk.
So my crazy head is screaming several things....
1. It was wrong to read her email
2. Should I dump her for dating another guy in september of last year when in my mind we were already knee deep in our relationship...
3. Do I tell her I read the emails
4. Did she cheat on me in Arizona, or did she "almost" cheat on me in Arizona.
Last night we spent 4 hours discussing Baby names.... and she is clearly very much deeply in love with me. I don't know what to do... I can't work, I can't eat... I'm losing my mind.
-Max
I did however work my way to the issues that I found in the email... and as always the conclusion should have been. Don't jump to conclusions....
First to clear something up... we are NOT in an open relationship. She has a weird family... who believes that you should always be dating other people, and be on the lookout for someone better up until the point where you get engaged. This is a reality that has been pushed on her day in day out by her mother especially since the beginning of the relationship. The push to be able to date other guys has come from that... but she decided back in September... when she was supposed to date this guy "Jeff" who she was set up with... that she wasn't going to be with anyone but me. She did meet the guy Jeff, but it wasn't a date.... and NOTHING happened. She thought he was a cool guy, and was feeling pressure from all kinds of directions to date him, but she didnt she stayed loyal to me. AND I BELIEVE HER.
Then february she was at the wedding.... and in the past every wedding she went to was date prospecting heaven.... in this case this guy Jeff was there, and the pressure to approach was again applied. All her friends were taking bets on who was gonna make out with who... including her friends with boyfriends back home... This whole thing freaked her out and prompted her to call me... However the whole time the only guy she was thinking about was me... and again nothing even came close to happening. AND I BELIEVE HER.
She is still very shaky on whether I'm the "one". She's concerned about a couple of issues they are.... 1.) How I am with money, and if I'm a "go-getter". 2.) I'm messy.
This lead to a whole other discussion/problem... but thats the subject for another YAGT at another time.
So basically I was waaaay off base. And I feel like an asshole. You guys can flame me all you want... but this whole flipping your life upside down thing has me pretty twisted, and I just plain snapped a little there.
But it does seem I was jumping the gun a bit on the whole proposal thing.... we're not ready yet. I find out tommorow where she matches... and from that I'll have an idea exactly how much time we have left to get it right.
*Update*
Thursday I find out where she goes, and at this point I'm going completely off the deep end and need a way to calm down.
I did a terrible thing already... I went through her email... all of it, back to 2 years ago.... I freaked out at every single word of hesitency... I revisited the old pain of when I wasn't the only guy she was seeing. I've aroused probably ridiculous assumptions, and suspicions.... I'm losing my mind here.... I need a way to calm down.... I don't know what to do.
Details are this.... in her mailbox, the overwhelming majority of emails are to me, or about me... email after email showing pics to her friends of her and I.... email after email telling them how great I am, and that she's not sure if I'm the one, but that I might be.
We started dating in April 04. She made it clear in the beginning that it was not a relationship, and that it was not exclusive. In sept 04... she did a hospital rotation in Atlanta, GA. At that point we were "together"... but she made it very clear that if she had the opp to go on a date or two that she wanted to be free to do so. At this point in our relationship it's clear by her emails, and what I knew then, that she was very guarded to the possibility of her moving away....
Well in september I found an email to her relatives talking about me, but mentioning a "prospect" in Atlanta.... after sept it's all me me me in the emails....
Then in February she went on a cross country road trip with her girls for 3 weeks, including a stop for a wedding in arizona. On valentines day... february 14th, I see an email from her, to her best friend in India.
"Next week I'm going to Arizona, where I'll see Jeff again. Fun stuff."
no real mention of me. Her friend responds back and asks about me.
she responds...
"<friends name>, how am I going to be good at the wedding. I'm more and more into max now too and really don't want to mess things up, but at the same time, my mom even
told me on the phone yesterday (since max spent the day with my family),
that I'd become resentful of him for many of his traits and I know that's
true!"
So I cross reference the name Jeff, finding his name both on the mailing list for wedding people, and at the same time finding his name in a series of interchanges regarding her trip to atlanta. There is little doubt in my mind that this is the "prospect" from atlanta.
The night before the the wedding... we had this weird discussion about cheating, and bachelorette parties etc. She said some crap essentially saying she would forgive me if I did something bad while drunk. And I immed responded back with hell no, that wouldnt be ok under any circumstances.... regardless of alcohol, and the same applied to her.
The next day after the wedding I asked her point blank... did she behave herself at the wedding... and she said she did... and that she didnt even get drunk.
So my crazy head is screaming several things....
1. It was wrong to read her email
2. Should I dump her for dating another guy in september of last year when in my mind we were already knee deep in our relationship...
3. Do I tell her I read the emails
4. Did she cheat on me in Arizona, or did she "almost" cheat on me in Arizona.
Last night we spent 4 hours discussing Baby names.... and she is clearly very much deeply in love with me. I don't know what to do... I can't work, I can't eat... I'm losing my mind.
-Max
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