YAGT: Match day approaching, read her email

[bootymac]

Let's solve this by reasoning

Option A. Pretend you never read her emails and live on normally
- the emails will always be in the back of your mind
- you will be insane forever
- you will still have a relationship with her

Option B. Bring it up and talk
- you will be relieved
- you will be doing what's best for yourself (probably)
- it will be rough before you both break it off
- ends in no relationship and no butt secks for you

 

[PingSpike]

Well...you fvcked up, there's no doubt about that. What made you distrust her enough in the first place that you felt it necessary to read her emails?

If you want to keep this relationship working...don't fvcking tell her about this. Thats for damn sure. It'll just kill the relationship. You didn't really uncover anything particularly damning...prospect sounds iffy, but are you sure it wasn't a job prospect or something else? Fun Stuff, as mentioned could be sarcastic...maybe Jeff is some job related contact. Fvck, I don't know.

We all have weird, less than faithful thoughts cross our mind sometimes...it doesn't mean we act on them. And some of us are dumb enough to even write them down...

I dunno...you put yourself in a ugly spot here. You've got your brain all insane because you scanned the last two years and grabbed all the questionable bits to work yourself up over. But you absolutely cannot tell your girlfriend you're an untrusting moron if you want this to work.

The most damning thing...is that she said she would forgive you if you got drunk and screwed around on her. Thats...pretty bad mojo right there. Because while it might be true...you'd never tell your SO that, its like handing them a license to cheat/get out of jail free card...the only reason you would do that is...you've got your own skeletons that you're guilty of and you're testing the water about whether to come clean or not. Thats bad stuff.

Fvck I dunno though, maybe your girls just a weirdo on that stuff.

 

[kranky]

Your gut is very wise! She didn't cheat, you shouldn't have gone through her email, you should calm down and trust her.

Do not tell her you went through her email. Unfortunately for you, you will now be suffering because you have all these questions WHICH WOULD NEVER HAVE ENTERED YOUR MIND IF YOU HAD STAYED OUT OF HER PRIVATE EMAIL. That's your own punishment.

What you are struggling with is whether to believe pieced-together bits and pieces of old, casually written emails to reach conclusions that are clearly in opposition to what she herself has told you about her feelings. To me, that's a no-brainer. You trust her completely unless given a reason not to. And I don't think you have a reason.

You can continue your relationship while maintaining trust in her and ignoring the flimsy conclusions you arrived at, or you can continue it while always second-guessing her feelings, or you can break it off. Option 1 is what you need to do.

Close your eyes and imagine you are holding printed copies of all the emails you read. Now imagine throwing them into a fire so they are destroyed, along with your memory of them. They never existed, they are gone. Now relax and enjoy what you have.

 

[ragazzo]

the fact that you had serious trust issues with her for such a long time is enough reason to break up. emails or not.

 

[Spike]

Personally I would admit what you did to her and move on from there. I did a similar thing with my girlfriend and read through her IM chat logs. I found some interesting things when she was sorta torn between me (her stable engineering boyfriend) and another guy (more fun, less stable sorta friend).

I told her about it and she was hurt pretty bad. I apologized for being a moron and not trusting her and eventually it worked out. It's been a little over 3.5 years now and we have been happily married for almost two of those

 

[PingSpike]

Originally posted by: halik
Well if you can live with what you saw, don't worry about it.
If you bring it up, your're done...

Either way i'd never "date" a girl that would insist that we're not together. Being in a relationship MEANS that it's exclusive. If my girlffriend told me that she wants to be free to date other people, i'd tell to go fvck herself on the spot.

Yeah, me too. Either you're into me or your not. I can get along perfectly fine alone...but I'm not putting up with that kind of crap.

 

[kami333]

Originally posted by: rbloedow
WTF is Match Day?

A time for med students to freak out, you get "matched" with your residency.

 

[StageLeft]

What the hell are you talking about?

 

[MisterJackson]

No trust=no foundation for your relationship=screwed from the get go.

Cut your losses, and be thankfull that you don't have kids together.

 

[PingSpike]

Originally posted by: kranky
Close your eyes and imagine you are holding printed copies of all the emails you read. Now imagine throwing them into a fire so they are destroyed, along with your memory of them. They never existed, they are gone. Now relax and enjoy what you have.

Now imagine you're doing her doggy style...and its easily 100 times better than your hand...imagine.

 

[dethman]

Originally posted by: rbloedow
WTF is Match Day?

residency match for fourth year medical students.

 

[dabuddha]

Your woman needs to dump your stupid ass. You have no right going through her emails you psycho.

 

[RagingBITCH]

So you mistrusted her, you misconstrued what your relationship was to begin with, and now you seem like you're going to hide the fact you broke into her email? (Assuming you're not going to tell her) Yea, great relationship.

 

[Qwest]

didnt she make it clear you guys have an open relationship?

 

[dethman]

Originally posted by: Spike
Personally I would admit what you did to her and move on from there. I did a similar thing with my girlfriend and read through her IM chat logs. I found some interesting things when she was sorta torn between me (her stable engineering boyfriend) and another guy (more fun, less stable sorta friend).

after this almost exact thing happened to me i never trusted my ex again. we were together for a while longer but things were never the same. trust is a tough thing...once it's lost it's lost.

 

[sao123]

You were never in a relationship, just merely friends with benefits and now your attached. Anyone who starts a relationship by insisting that she/he is open to still date other people has a committment problem which will never go away.
Cut your losses, and her too.

 

[Doboji]

I'm calming down.... and here's why.... I think we all have those remote "prospects" that we hold onto even deep into relationships... I have one or two myself.... but does that disrupt how deeply I feel for my GF?... no it really doesnt. I mean hell if she read some of my musings here on ATOT.... I'm sure she would be even more upset than I. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure she didn't do anything.... and as I calm down, I realize that everything I read fits into the internal conflict she's had going on, and has shared with me.

I think those of you who think this is suddenly over now.... are wrong. I'm gonna let this die... curiousity got to me.... the desire to look into the inner mind of the girl. I'm going to let it go now, pretend it never happened and relax.

-Max

 

[ragazzo]

Originally posted by: Doboji
I'm calming down.... and here's why.... I think we all have those remote "prospects" that we hold onto even deep into relationships... I have one or two myself.... but does that disrupt how deeply I feel for my GF?... no it really doesnt. I mean hell if she read some of my musings here on ATOT.... I'm sure she would be even more upset than I. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure she didn't do anything.... and as I calm down, I realize that everything I read fits into the internal conflict she's had going on, and has shared with me.

I think those of you who think this is suddenly over now.... are wrong. I'm gonna let this die... curiousity got to me.... the desire to look into the inner mind of the girl. I'm going to let it go now, pretend it never happened and relax.

-Max

Good.

 

[Drizzy]

One time I got online with my girlfriends password and read her email.. let me just say - DONT EVER DO THIS. They write stuff that you dont want to know. She was out of town and had written to her friend about how she had a yeast infection and when I read that it killed it for me and I couldnt date her anymore. LOL I was 16 at the time and we had only been dating for 2 months but that was a real learning lesson. Privacy is more important than curiosity. She was a cool girl too...

 

[PingSpike]

You dumped a girl because she had a yeast infection? Maybe you should invest in a real doll.

 

[PricklyPete]

Reading your SO's emails is a horrible idea. First of all, think of all the thoughts that generally go through your head when you are in a relationship. They are not all positive. There will be times when you aren't sure everything is right. Girls tend to actually discuss these thoughts with their friends. Just because she had a fleeting thought one day does not mean she is not in love with you. That is just how ones brain works. Second, you are bound to read into things like the line about this Jeff guy. Stop reading her email.

Talk to her. If you trust her, then trust what she says and go with that. Sure you might get burned at some point...but it is a hell of a lot better way to live than constantly worryign that things are going down the crapper.

 

[Drizzy]

In response to OP situation - First of all, if you were going to bring this up you should have done it before you were married! You have made a commitment and while that doesnt mean much to a lot of people anymore, it should.

If you really feel like you can move on and this wont taint things in the future then definately let it go. If not, bring it up and resolve it BEFORE you have children. You want to iron things out before you have kids because if you get to the point where there is NO other option - divorce is MUCH less messy w/out kids involved.

Its all about trust. If you can trust her then let it go and leave it in the past NEVER to be brought up again (say, in an argument - bad move). If you cant trust her then you still have issues and need to talk to her about it. Think of her going on a 3 day weekend to vegas with her girlfriends.. would you be ok with that? MHO...

 

[Drizzy]

Originally posted by: PingSpike
You dumped a girl because she had a yeast infection? Maybe you should invest in a real doll.

I was 16, we were dating 2 months... there were plenty of other girls in HS - use your brain before you insult... of course I look book and see how stupid that was now... but in HS dating is for fun - not really a serious relationship (usually).

 

[maziwanka]

im going to say wow too. i think you and i are pretty similar. i think i would be very upset if at any time during my relationship (even the very beginning) she had seen someone else (even a date). trust is most certainly the solid foundation in a healthy relationship.

its a tricky situation that you're in. she did make it clear that she wanted the freedom to see another person (albeit that was early in the relationship). you've also read all her emails and she most definitely assumed they were private. as curious as you may be, i think i would refrain from saying that you read them.

HOWEVER, this is how i think i would handle it.

trust is the most important thing to me in my relationships. if i feel as if the trust was violated, then the relationship is over. therefore, i think i would talk to her and tell her that i did read her emails. tell her you were curious and once you read the first couple, you couldn't stop. tell her you realize that it was an invasion of her privacy. do not lie about anything. then i would just explain to her (in more detail) why you read them - you were jealous and had good reason, because you were unclear of her feelings for you and her relationship with Jeff. the relationship is become very serious to you and you want to make sure that you clear any uncertainties in your mind.

explain to her that you understand what you did was wrong but you want her to be more honest with you from now on. make sure she understands that you had a somewhat decent reason to read her emails. assure her that you wont do such a thing again provided you both agree to be completely up front and honest with each other.

honestly, if you guys plan to last a lifetime you both have to communicate better. this whole ordeal should be an impetus for improvement.

good luck man and keep us updated

 

[Mayfriday0529]

Originally posted by: Drizzy
One time I got online with my girlfriends password and read her email.. let me just say - DONT EVER DO THIS. They write stuff that you dont want to know. She was out of town and had written to her friend about how she had a yeast infection and when I read that it killed it for me and I couldnt date her anymore. LOL I was 16 at the time and we had only been dating for 2 months but that was a real learning lesson. Privacy is more important than curiosity. She was a cool girl too...

I agree
one of my ex's gave me her laptop so i could updated it from Windows 95 to 98 and i backed up everythign first and found this aim convo she saved. holy crap not a good thing, trust just went out the window.