DivideBYZero
Lifer
Almost a total reflection of what happend to me 2 months ago.
I have a new GF now. w00t!
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YAGT: DIVORCE SUCKS
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Almost a total reflection of what happend to me 2 months ago.
I have a new GF now. w00t!
KarenMarie
Elite Member
New Jersey has no common law. We are just living together in the eyes of the law and it remain that way for as long as we are together, until we get married.
It is not a fear of commitment. He adores me. He wants to marry me. Tells me all the time, and sometimes gets all soppy at the prospect. It is I who is dragging my feet.
He just has a habit of putting his friends, and helping them, before all else... even if it costs him money. And most of them will not do the same for him. He also wastes huge amounts of time... doing nothing... Also, he does not deal with stress well. He doesn't vent or explode, he is passive aggressive. If something bothers him, he keeps it inside and just acts like a dick in other ways.
He spent almost a year, feeling overwhelmed by all the stuff he needs to do, but still left it all sitting to help other people who are making money hand over fist, while his life, relationship, house, and his business went to pot. And the worse it got, the less he did. And I came last, cause he took my promise of commitment to mean ... that no matter what, meant no matter what....
We fought a lot, and we cried a lot... but in the end, he sent me an I'm sorry card (heard that before) and I responded with a three page letter. Dunno, I think actually being able to hold it and read it over and again showed him how I really felt, and made him realize that he doesnt know a lot of stuff that is going on with me... and that he says he prayed for almost 20 years for me, and here I am, and he is not gonna take me for granted anymore.
This was two months ago that it all came to a head, and no doubt that in the years that we will be together, it will probably happen again. But he is a good man, and we have a good foundation. He is just a schmuck sometimes and needs a reality kick in the azz.
The OP, imho, should try counseling or talking to her ... or whatever it takes... to work this out before throwing it away. He says they are different people... but even twins are different people... no one is the same... the trick is respect, consideration and sometimes putting what is best for the relationship/marriage before what makes us happy on our own.
Just my $0.02... but I am older and have made all these mistakes before... costly ones at that.
🙂
JDub02
Diamond Member
Wow .. at least you realize you're quite cynical.
Maybe I'm just too optimistic, but I think people can stay together for the rest of their lives. It just takes a realization that they made a promise to each other when they got married and the resolve to take divorce off the table as an option. My grandparents have been together for over 50 years and my parents have been together for over 30. Maybe it's just the example that I've seen .. but I know people can do it regardless of differences.
To the OP, you sound like you just wussed out. Instead of working for what you have, you're taking the easy way out. IMO divorce is never an option unless there is abuse or infidelity.
I been down the Divorce road twice which on set me back about 200-250K in alimoney and CS and also 5-7 years of credit problems.
I don't have no prob with C.S but Alimoney is B.S especially when my Ex's files I was paying them for years to fvck their boyfriends.
Marriage sux...Divorce Lawyers suck worse..
Ausm
I don't have no prob with C.S but Alimoney is B.S especially when my Ex's files I was paying them for years to fvck their boyfriends.
Marriage sux...Divorce Lawyers suck worse..
Ausm
mitaiwan82
Platinum Member
Come on down to Austin...it's about the only city in Texas that I'm willing to live in.
<- hates Houston...Dallas and San Antonio = meh
<- hates Houston...Dallas and San Antonio = meh
LordMorpheus
Diamond Member
Yeah its texas, what of it?
Your in canada. Know what kind of weather I've been enjoying for the past week or so? HHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
Best part is I go back north come summer. But damn, I'm wandering around in short sleeves in december. What gives?
Bummer about the breakup, man, I'd stay stick with your job, make some new friends. Try not to repeat your mistakes next time.
dullard
Elite Member
Ok this is half advice for the Wanescotting and half asking for advice for me (hope this isn't a thread hijack). And no this isn't a parody of the first post, this is truely what has been going through my head for months.
I'm in the same boat, but the roles are reversed. Been with my wife for 10 years (5 married). No kids. We recently got a house and neither want to leave. We get along quite well and enjoy being together. However, she goes through periods where she never wants to spend enough time with me and psychologically pushes me away. This is the 3rd time in 10 years. It happens about every 3 years and I'm thinking I'm not enough of a fool to let things happen to me 3 times. Divorce won't get out of my mind even though I know we were made for each other and get along so well.
I don't think she cheats on me, and I'll never cheat on her. But she has pushed me so far away I'm not sure if I love her. Ok yes, I love her, but the anger and lonelyness has shoved that feeling so deep that I cannot find it.
My biggest wishes are also probably great advice for Wanescotting. What do I want for Christmas? Things that I don't think I can ever have - my wifes time, love, and just to have things the way they used to be. I've got a fire built in the fireplace which was to be our first fire ever. The logs and paper have been sitting there for 2 months waiting. I want a firelit night just me and her (and maybe a nice wine). I want a cuddle at night. I want her to kiss me instead of me kissing her. I want her to rush home to me after work instead of rushing to go out with friends. Basically, I want to be first on her list. Yes she can be a work-aholic (she just opened a dance studio which takes a lot of her time). Yes she can do things with her friends. But I want to be considered first for her free time. I want to be invited to join in. Can it happen? Yes. Will it happen? Don't think so.
I read this thread and wasn't going to post. But then I just got a knock on my work door. Someone delivering flowers. Me wife has never given me flowers before. Attached was a note saying that she senses that she needs to spend more time with me. WTF am I to do with a dozen roses in a dirty chemical engineering lab/construction workshop? Well at least I found a semi-clean beaker. What the hell is this supposed to mean? How can I get her to stop these cycles (2.5 years of greatness and then 0.5 years of ignoring me)?
I'm in the same boat, but the roles are reversed. Been with my wife for 10 years (5 married). No kids. We recently got a house and neither want to leave. We get along quite well and enjoy being together. However, she goes through periods where she never wants to spend enough time with me and psychologically pushes me away. This is the 3rd time in 10 years. It happens about every 3 years and I'm thinking I'm not enough of a fool to let things happen to me 3 times. Divorce won't get out of my mind even though I know we were made for each other and get along so well.
I don't think she cheats on me, and I'll never cheat on her. But she has pushed me so far away I'm not sure if I love her. Ok yes, I love her, but the anger and lonelyness has shoved that feeling so deep that I cannot find it.
My biggest wishes are also probably great advice for Wanescotting. What do I want for Christmas? Things that I don't think I can ever have - my wifes time, love, and just to have things the way they used to be. I've got a fire built in the fireplace which was to be our first fire ever. The logs and paper have been sitting there for 2 months waiting. I want a firelit night just me and her (and maybe a nice wine). I want a cuddle at night. I want her to kiss me instead of me kissing her. I want her to rush home to me after work instead of rushing to go out with friends. Basically, I want to be first on her list. Yes she can be a work-aholic (she just opened a dance studio which takes a lot of her time). Yes she can do things with her friends. But I want to be considered first for her free time. I want to be invited to join in. Can it happen? Yes. Will it happen? Don't think so.
I read this thread and wasn't going to post. But then I just got a knock on my work door. Someone delivering flowers. Me wife has never given me flowers before. Attached was a note saying that she senses that she needs to spend more time with me. WTF am I to do with a dozen roses in a dirty chemical engineering lab/construction workshop? Well at least I found a semi-clean beaker. What the hell is this supposed to mean? How can I get her to stop these cycles (2.5 years of greatness and then 0.5 years of ignoring me)?
Divorce is the second most-stressful event that can happen in your life. The only thing worse is the death of a spouse. It is worse for your overall health than smoking a pack a day. It is a more significant cause of povetry than having just a high-school education.
If you don't make it work, it will kill you. You have to try as if that is the case.
And if you don't try that hard, then you will have feelings of doubt and regret that haunt you for the rest of your life.
Now, if you have tried that hard, then you have my condolences. Good luck, man. I'd reccommend staying in your job and your town for a year after you separate. Take a vacation, though, and see those you love. But more transition right now will only make it worse. If, after a year, you still feel the need to move, the do so. But right now what you need is some stability.
If you don't make it work, it will kill you. You have to try as if that is the case.
And if you don't try that hard, then you will have feelings of doubt and regret that haunt you for the rest of your life.
Now, if you have tried that hard, then you have my condolences. Good luck, man. I'd reccommend staying in your job and your town for a year after you separate. Take a vacation, though, and see those you love. But more transition right now will only make it worse. If, after a year, you still feel the need to move, the do so. But right now what you need is some stability.
look.. i NEVER believe its too late.
tell her u'll go along but dude, u've got 6 MONTHS to prove something.
i dun care she says, 6months is a lifetime...pull up your socks, put up your dukes, fight it, give it
all u got for 6months. think about it, what have u got to lose? your wife?...which u think u've already lost...so just go for it. show her the best 6months of her life. be adamant, be obnoxious.
MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THIS 6 MONTHS...if not for the chance of repairing this, at least it'll be the best last 6mths u guys will ever have.
tell her u'll go along but dude, u've got 6 MONTHS to prove something.
i dun care she says, 6months is a lifetime...pull up your socks, put up your dukes, fight it, give it
all u got for 6months. think about it, what have u got to lose? your wife?...which u think u've already lost...so just go for it. show her the best 6months of her life. be adamant, be obnoxious.
MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THIS 6 MONTHS...if not for the chance of repairing this, at least it'll be the best last 6mths u guys will ever have.
I was married for 21 years. I stayed that long with him because of a lot of reasons mentioned. The problem with marriage can be that one person grows while the other doesn't. Or one person is manipulative and the other is the manipulated and so on. I have had a lot of years to observe healthy relationships. What I have seen is that there are very few wonderful marriages. A lot of people stay together for the wrong reasons and somehow live with it and adapt but it is just a con game. Commitment isn't a cure nor a reason because people can't possibly know someone until the hard times come. What is most important is to see your b/f,g/f at their worst and then decide.
My ex stagnated to a point where he stayed home after work, we never did the things we talked about before marriage and I found out that he truly never loved me. He was manipulative and passive aggressive.
Since divorcing I have had affirmation after affirmation that the choice I made was the only choice. And I should have left him a long time ago but people basically said the same stuff I have read on this thread. I am not against trying. Believe me, I tried but if the other isn't trying, you have no choice. I have 3 children and they have weathered it well. And they are glad that mom and dad can be happy now.
Life is hard, then you die. Hollyood, Disneyland and fairy tales are far from dealing with reality and the United States could use a reality check.
Marriage is not an end product of a person's life. It is a choice and like other choices, we can fail miserably. My mistake was marrying too young and not being satisfied and having the self-respect necessary to be comfortable with myself. And when children come along, it just gets worse if there is little foundation. And BTW, family and friends can exacerbate the problem too. Every person needs to find out for themselves what is right and when it is wrong and no one can really tell you that except your own heart.
My ex stagnated to a point where he stayed home after work, we never did the things we talked about before marriage and I found out that he truly never loved me. He was manipulative and passive aggressive.
Since divorcing I have had affirmation after affirmation that the choice I made was the only choice. And I should have left him a long time ago but people basically said the same stuff I have read on this thread. I am not against trying. Believe me, I tried but if the other isn't trying, you have no choice. I have 3 children and they have weathered it well. And they are glad that mom and dad can be happy now.
Life is hard, then you die. Hollyood, Disneyland and fairy tales are far from dealing with reality and the United States could use a reality check.
Marriage is not an end product of a person's life. It is a choice and like other choices, we can fail miserably. My mistake was marrying too young and not being satisfied and having the self-respect necessary to be comfortable with myself. And when children come along, it just gets worse if there is little foundation. And BTW, family and friends can exacerbate the problem too. Every person needs to find out for themselves what is right and when it is wrong and no one can really tell you that except your own heart.
Sheepathon
Diamond Member
Friends of 20 years = single?
Wanescotting
Diamond Member
WOW! Thank you all for your replies. I never expected such a response.
I think M13 hit the nail on the head. My wife grew, I did not.
I deal with things alot different than other people do, so maybe that is why I am so calm about the whole situation.
I think M13 hit the nail on the head. My wife grew, I did not.
I deal with things alot different than other people do, so maybe that is why I am so calm about the whole situation.
yes, divorce sucks... and I divorced her even though I loved her more than anything.
At this point for you, words aren't going to do much.... actions speak far more.... the trick is not to expect anything back for those actions, and to just enjoy the time for what it is. If the change takes in you, she might notice and things could work out. And perhaps someday you would get back together for the 'right' reasons.
I went through the same decision whether to go back home, hang out with my old friends, etc.- but didn't do it, I stuck it out and stayed in the city where I had moved to. It's hard, but that's just life- while it will be difficult for quite some time, in the end you will hopefully grow from the experience- I know I did. But maybe take a vacation back home, it will show you how much you have changed and how much home has changed, and that you don't really need to go back.
My best friends called me this week (I'm the godfather to the kids, best man at the wedding), to tell me that they are getting ready to separate after 13 years, 3 kids (high school sweethearts). I've got this horrible feeling in my stomach all week.
Good luck.
At this point for you, words aren't going to do much.... actions speak far more.... the trick is not to expect anything back for those actions, and to just enjoy the time for what it is. If the change takes in you, she might notice and things could work out. And perhaps someday you would get back together for the 'right' reasons.
I went through the same decision whether to go back home, hang out with my old friends, etc.- but didn't do it, I stuck it out and stayed in the city where I had moved to. It's hard, but that's just life- while it will be difficult for quite some time, in the end you will hopefully grow from the experience- I know I did. But maybe take a vacation back home, it will show you how much you have changed and how much home has changed, and that you don't really need to go back.
My best friends called me this week (I'm the godfather to the kids, best man at the wedding), to tell me that they are getting ready to separate after 13 years, 3 kids (high school sweethearts). I've got this horrible feeling in my stomach all week.
Good luck.
I'd stay there. Take time to reflect and maybe try to change your lifestyle or find someone who is OK with you being a workaholic and comp. addict.
Some women need more attention than others. It would be more healthy for you to take time out and enjoy other things in life too. My brother works for honda and he is always messing with cars and stuff. He had one project going on and he never paid attention to his wife. Well he got his car finished and perfect like he wanted but now he is single, sick, and the car doesn't mean didly squat.
I'm nobody to give advice though. I spend alot of time here too 🙂
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