YAGT: DIVORCE SUCKS

[Ornery]

Originally posted by: M13

...He was manipulative and passive aggressive.

Since divorcing I have had affirmation after affirmation that the choice I made was the only choice. And I should have left him a long time ago...

Was he not "manipulative and passive aggressive" before you married him?

 

[SaigonK]

All I can say is I am sorry for you, divorce sucks, with or without children involved. My ex told me she wasnt in love with me anymore, now it is coming out that she had a boyfriend while we were still married. My point in mentioning this is that sometimes things happen beyond our control, you can curl up in a ball and cry about it all day or move one. My divorce ruined me for awhile, but I kept up the gameday face, then I realized I didnt need to work at being happy, I could just be happy with my new life.

You will be ok, if you think you can work it out with her, i suggest you try all you can if your heart desires to. If not, and i know this is harsh, get a damn lawyer and get one now.

 

[Fritzo]

Originally posted by: M13
I was married for 21 years. I stayed that long with him because of a lot of reasons mentioned. The problem with marriage can be that one person grows while the other doesn't. Or one person is manipulative and the other is the manipulated and so on. I have had a lot of years to observe healthy relationships. What I have seen is that there are very few wonderful marriages. A lot of people stay together for the wrong reasons and somehow live with it and adapt but it is just a con game. Commitment isn't a cure nor a reason because people can't possibly know someone until the hard times come. What is most important is to see your b/f,g/f at their worst and then decide.
My ex stagnated to a point where he stayed home after work, we never did the things we talked about before marriage and I found out that he truly never loved me. He was manipulative and passive aggressive.
Since divorcing I have had affirmation after affirmation that the choice I made was the only choice. And I should have left him a long time ago but people basically said the same stuff I have read on this thread. I am not against trying. Believe me, I tried but if the other isn't trying, you have no choice. I have 3 children and they have weathered it well. And they are glad that mom and dad can be happy now.
Life is hard, then you die. Hollyood, Disneyland and fairy tales are far from dealing with reality and the United States could use a reality check.
Marriage is not an end product of a person's life. It is a choice and like other choices, we can fail miserably. My mistake was marrying too young and not being satisfied and having the self-respect necessary to be comfortable with myself. And when children come along, it just gets worse if there is little foundation. And BTW, family and friends can exacerbate the problem too. Every person needs to find out for themselves what is right and when it is wrong and no one can really tell you that except your own heart.

Well said. I went through counciling with my wife. We found that despite out problems, we both wanted nothing but to be with eachother. If that answer only comes from one person, then it's over.

 

[Wanescotting]

UPDATE: I am starting to feel a little better about things. I have been working out, eating right, and finding new things to do. I actually feel somewhat liberated at this point. However, I still have to decide whether or not to move back to my home town, and I still have to find a new place to live, and a new car.
I am going back to Arlington on thew 17th,18th,and19th of this month. Actually, I am already leaning towards moving back home, I work for my wife's parents, and they said they could set me up with a job in the metroplex at the same resteraunt I currently work at(at a corporate resteraunt).
It looks like things may be smoother sailing than I first imagined.

Oh man, I almost forgot, I have to tell my parents and grandparents about this when I go back to Arlington, this will be, by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

[Wanescotting]

UPDATE:Well, I went to arlington this weekend to tell my folks about the divorce. It went really good. Oh, and I had a blast with my friends. Pete's dueling piano bar in Fort Worth is the sh!t. I can't wait to move back to my home town. Slowly but surely, I am starting to get back into the groove.

 

[z0mb13]

good for you!!

:thumbsup:

 

[dmcowen674]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting
When I got on the internet earlier, I was going to search for apartments, but I went to ATOT first, which made me forget why I even fired up the computer.

Me and my wife are splitting up (not a bad divorce by any means, we still live toghter, and will continue to do so for another 6 months).

The worst part is, it was mostly my fault.

I never spent enough time with her, I ways always to busy working (I am a workaholic) or on the computer.

I just pushed her away.

She did not cheat on me (thank god, or I would have killed someone),she says that I pushed her so far away that she no longer has feelings for me.

After ALOT of self reflection, I have come to realize that we are indeed, very different poeple, so this is for the best.

It still hurts, however. We were together for 8 years total(married 3).

What really sucks, is that I have to decide whether or not I will move back to my home town.(my family and my friends of 20 years live there).

Aside from that, I get to buy a new car, find a place to live, and potentially find a new job(if I move)

The job I have now is great, and the money is good, but I don't think I can stay here and be happy.I've seen the aformentioned friends about 6 times, in six years).

I need some advice, and friendly direction

Sorry about the loss. I just went through similar, 14 yrs Married and she pulled the plug.

I left Atlanta (Job Market not so hot anyway) . Where I moved to is not any better in fact pay is probably close to lowest in the Country ($8hr jobs are the norm as high end :shocked: ).

You're in Texas with one of the highest pay scales and jobs outlook so you should stay there, maybe just change Cities.

Best Wishes, hang in there.

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting
UPDATE:Well, I went to arlington this weekend to tell my folks about the divorce. It went really good. Oh, and I had a blast with my friends. Pete's dueling piano bar in Fort Worth is the sh!t. I can't wait to move back to my home town. Slowly but surely, I am starting to get back into the groove.

Keep on hanging in there. Family and friends help.

I've been in your shoes and, trust me, you're far from over it but it's good to see you're getting on the road to rediscovery.

 

[ragazzo]

that's one of the problems with relationships: giving up friends to be with your S.O.

 

[AlienCraft]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting
Nah to late for change.........I been this way for 4 years.............we are both strong willed, and we make up our minds, there is no going back.....

What were you for the 18 years before? Assuming you're 22 or so. Everything changes. It doesn't sound to me as if you've TRIED to fix your issues, or that you've done anything TOGETHER to make it work.
Marriage is a FULL TIME JOB and commitment. If you were only giving the vows lip service when you spoke them, perhaps you do need to divorce and move home to mommy and daddy, but there is no turning back the clock. I'll wager your friends have moved on and THEIR spouses will not be too happy to have your attempts to re-live the past brought into THEIR lives.
You can change, you know, it's not as hard as throwing away a relationship, a job, etc.You are where you are today for a variety of reasons. Divorce is only a temporary solution. Unless you fix "you" , you will repeat the same things that got you into this predicament again in time.
Sad to hear you're giving up so easily, and contributing to the decline of Western Civilization.

 

[Wanescotting]

UPDATE:Wow! Things are getting better everyday...................I just finished speaking to my friend(one of the afformentioned friends of 20 years), he had wonderful news. We were going to rent an apartment together, but he is only able to work 3 days a week, with emt school and all(he will eventually become a fireman), so that was a no go. Anywho, he just called me and told me that his ex-wife(they get along famously)owns a three bedroom house, and that she invited him to live there rent free, as long as he helped with whatever he could. Then he tells me that he asked her if I could stay there also, she said yes! Awesome. All we have to do is the yardwork, and keep the house clean. I don't actually plan to live there for free, I am just happy that I get to live with two friends, as opposed to staying alone. While I am on the subject, I NEVER believed in karma....................until this happened. My other friends disowned my friend(the one with the ex-wife) while he was married because they did not like the girl. I was the only one that ever showed her any type of respect and kindness. This whole situation came from left field, life is funny sometimes.

 

[Philippine Mango]

I just really hate divorce, kids today are whimps. Back in the day when things got tough the wife and husband didn't split, they stuck together. I guess wedding vows are utterly useless in this day and age..

 

[Wanescotting]

I don't really want this to happen either, but nothing I can do will change her mind, and I refuse to wallow in self pity. What is done is done. I am ready to move on. So please refrain from calling me a whimp.

 

[Philippine Mango]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie

Originally posted by: AdamSnow
I would try and make amends with her... talk to her... cook for her like someone else said... spend time with her... unplug the computer from the wall from the weekend to show her you will dedicate you're time 100% to her... massages, flowers, go for a nice long walk with her... just spend time with her... and see what you guy's can do...

I agree. Try to work it out. You got married for love and for life.

The b/f and I just came thru a very rough patch. We are not even married, but live together for over five years. He spent the past year being neglectful and hurtful and putting me last. And when I tried to talk to him about it, he got defensive and mean. I could have walked, some say I should have walked. But I decided that I made a commitment. I wrote him a three page letter and he really took it to heart. He has gone back to being the guy I picked as the forever one.

Bottom line is...

If you look at all the people that are married for years and years... the ones that grow old together... and you ask them... they will tell you that it is not always rosey, that there were times that they were not in love, and times when they could not stand each other. But they stuck to the commitment and worked it out.

You don't want to throw away a marriage just cause you were a sh!t, do you? Try to make it right.

Good Luck!

Don't get married to your b/f! I heard that 80% of relationships where they BF and GF were living together and THEN got married ended in divorce! You know if you stick with em for 20 years you will be legally married by the government standards.

 

[Wanescotting]

UPDATE: I spoke to my father in law, and he thinks he can get me setup in Arlington with a job at a corporate resteraunt( He owns a franchise). Only six more weeks in this hell hole.

 

[BannedTroll]

advice? ok. Don't ask ATOT about life, relationship, car. alectrical, sex, or plumbing issues.

 

[Wanescotting]

My last day at my current job is Feb. the 25th. I can't wait!

 

[gutharius]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting
When I got on the internet earlier, I was going to search for apartments, but I went to ATOT first, which made me forget why I even fired up the computer.

Me and my wife are splitting up (not a bad divorce by any means, we still live toghter, and will continue to do so for another 6 months).

The worst part is, it was mostly my fault.

I never spent enough time with her, I ways always to busy working (I am a workaholic) or on the computer.

I just pushed her away.

She did not cheat on me (thank god, or I would have killed someone),she says that I pushed her so far away that she no longer has feelings for me.

After ALOT of self reflection, I have come to realize that we are indeed, very different poeple, so this is for the best.

It still hurts, however. We were together for 8 years total(married 3).

What really sucks, is that I have to decide whether or not I will move back to my home town.(my family and my friends of 20 years live there).

Aside from that, I get to buy a new car, find a place to live, and potentially find a new job(if I move)

The job I have now is great, and the money is good, but I don't think I can stay here and be happy.I've seen the aformentioned friends about 6 times, in six years).


I need some advice, and friendly direction

Whats the home town?

 

[Wanescotting]

Arlington. Actually, I am from Arlington, but I will be living in NRH. Guess where I will be living.(interesting story, indeed. Karma involved)

 

[Xionide]

I need some advice, and friendly direction

On ATOT? YOU FOOL!

 

[toekramp]

well i'm over in manassas if you wanna get a drink some time

 

[gutharius]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting
I think I can find another job, but I cannot make friends so easily, you see, my friends might as well be brothers, we lived right next door to each other.

I need some encouragement to stop being a wuss, and take a chance.

ALSO
I really let myself go, which sucks, I used to be 180. I am now 210, and that is after losing 20lbs in 2 weeks(stress plays funny tricks on you)

I have started working out, cause at some point, I will have to get back into the game...........

The working out and all is good from an emotional stand point.

But honestly you need to ask if it is possible to change yourself and make the relationship work if there is initiative on both sides for it to work. If not pick up the pieces and learn from the experience so that NEXT time you can be something to someone that you are proud of and have no doubts about how committed you were to the relationship as opposed to other comittments.

 

[Wanescotting]

But honestly you need to ask if it is possible to change yourself and make the relationship work if there is initiative on both sides for it to work. If not pick up the pieces and learn from the experience so that NEXT time you can be something to someone that you are proud of and have no doubts about how committed you were to the relationship as opposed to other comittments.

Actually, I still need to find out "who I am". I know it sounds a bit odd, but I really do. If you knew me, you might say I lack a personality. I was going through some tough times when most folks were sorting all this stuff out.

 

[gutharius]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting
UPDATE:Wow! Things are getting better everyday...................I just finished speaking to my friend(one of the afformentioned friends of 20 years), he had wonderful news. We were going to rent an apartment together, but he is only able to work 3 days a week, with emt school and all(he will eventually become a fireman), so that was a no go. Anywho, he just called me and told me that his ex-wife(they get along famously)owns a three bedroom house, and that she invited him to live there rent free, as long as he helped with whatever he could. Then he tells me that he asked her if I could stay there also, she said yes! Awesome. All we have to do is the yardwork, and keep the house clean. I don't actually plan to live there for free, I am just happy that I get to live with two friends, as opposed to staying alone. While I am on the subject, I NEVER believed in karma....................until this happened. My other friends disowned my friend(the one with the ex-wife) while he was married because they did not like the girl. I was the only one that ever showed her any type of respect and kindness. This whole situation came from left field, life is funny sometimes.

Ugh, moving in with 2 ex's??? Not too sure that is a bright idead that is drama free.

 

[gutharius]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting
Arlington. Actually, I am from Arlington, but I will be living in NRH. Guess where I will be living.(interesting story, indeed. Karma involved)

NRH? Uhh, never good at guessing games... Atlantis? Sorry it is the best I can do...