What is the funniest joke you know?

[walrus]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole daythinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

[walrus]

A flea From New York City, wintering in Florida, was laying in the Miami sun looked up and saw an old flea friend of his from NY. His frend looked near death, almost frozen, standing there shivering.
"What happened to you?", asked the flea, "I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I thought I was going to freeze to death." Said the flea.

"Thats no way to get down here," said the first flea, "let me tell you how I do it. You go to the stewardess lounge at the Kennedy airport, get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, the next year, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but the same flea - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said the flea, I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really good loking one came in, and jumped on her leg and crawled up into her pubic hair and got so warm and cosy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I wake up and I'm on this motorcycle riders's moustache driving down to Florida!"

 

[Smartazz]

Originally posted by: eits
q: "what's the best part of having sex with 29 year olds?"

a: "there are 20 of them."

I heard this joke, but Michael Jackson was in it.

 

[Smartazz]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his pants.
The bartender asks him why he has a steering wheel coming out of his crotch.
The pirate responds:"ARR, it's driving me nuts".

 

[xes]

What do you call a Durex sliding down a window?

Condomsation

 

[Fiat1]

palindrome posts on ATOT.

 

[slackerinabox]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?

You can't f*ck a table!

 

[Umberger]

Originally posted by: saahmed
The Aristocrats

oh jesus.... you just took this thread to a whole new level.

 

[HeXploiT]

A priest, a rabbi and a cleric walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this a joke?"

 

[RightIsWrong]

Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!"

She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog!"

 

[datalink7]

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and there is no way that he belongs in heaven. Fidel must go to Hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan. Satan responds, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked. St.Peter is having lunch, so they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the walland get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them.

One angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!

 

[Smartazz]

Originally posted by: RightIsWrong
Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!"

She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog!"

lol, good joke, she must have been pretty drunk to do that.

 

[maximus maximus]

Bump... and a joke...

Q. What do you call a fish with no eye?






















A. Fsh

 

[woodman1999]

Originally posted by: wirm
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

That was friggin hysterical....

 

[cKGunslinger]

Originally posted by: RightIsWrong
Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!"

She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog!"

Heh - I lol'd.

 

[broon]

The head priest at an orphanage and an orphan named Sam went fishing. Father Tim caught one of the biggest fish he?d ever seen. Little Sam says, ?Father, that?s the biggest dam fish I?ve ever seen.?
Father Tim says, ?Sam, you shouldn?t say ?damn?.?
?No father, D-A-M. We?re fishing at the dam, it?s a dam fish.?
Well, father Tim had a great idea for the dam fish. The pope was coming to visit and father Tim thought it would be a great meal. So father Tim gives the fish to one of the nuns, sister Mary and says, ?Sister Mary, Sam and I were fishing and I caught this dam fish. I thought it would be nice if you would clean it and give it to Sister Theresa to cook for the Pope.?
Sister Mary gasped, ?Father?you shouldn?t swear like that.?
?Oh, no sister. Sam and I went fishing at the dam. It?s a D-A-M fish.?
Sister Mary cleaned the fish and took it to sister Theresa. Sister Mary said, ?Sister Theresa, Father Tim caught this dam fish, I cleaned this dam fish, would you cook this dam fish for the Pope?? Of course sister Theresa was shocked and they went through the same explanation about where it was caught.
While they were eating dinner, the Pope said ?This is the best fish I?ve ever eaten.?
Of course father Tim was proud and said, ?That?s a dam fish. I caught that dam fish.?
Sister Mary piped in ?I cleaned that dam fish.?
?And I cooked that dam fish!? sister Theresa exclaimed, not to be out done.
The Pope sat there wide eyed, mouth open, obviously in shock. He slowly looked at each person at the table and said, ?You guys are pretty cool! Please pass the f-in salt!?

 

[maximus maximus]

Don't know how good this joke is... but made me chuckle.. here goes...

A guy on a bus spots a hot looking nun on the bus... instantly he has a desire to make love to her.. but he soon realises that she is a nun and he cannot approach her. After she gets down from the bus, the guy expresses his feelings to a fellow passenger on the bus.

The passenger on the bus gives him an idea. He asks him to dress up as jesus and approach the nun in the dark. Then he can command her to have sex with him and she would not be able to refuse.

The guy likes the idea and the following night, he appears in the church where the nun was praying. He switches off the lights and approches in front of the nun and commands her to have sex with him. The nun is scared and obviosuly does not want to get jesus angry. She tells him that she wants to stay a virgin, but she has no objections on somone doing her from behind. The guy is so horny that he agrees..

The guy makes passionate love to her for abotu an hour and towards the end he shouts..."surprise... I am not jesus... "

The nun replies... "surpise... I am not the nun... I am the fellow passenger...."

 

[SpanishFry]

What is the funniest joke you know?

Try again.

 

[domsq]

This thread has made for an amusing read (mostly)

Here's one:

Little Johnny's next door neighbours had a baby boy, but he was born without ears. The neighbours invite little Johnny and his folks around, to come see the baby. Fearing that little Johnny might say something nasty, his dad threatens to beat his ass black and blue should he even think of it. After they get to the neighbour's place, and are shown the baby, little Johnny says "Look at his perfect little hands." The child's mother says "why thank you little Johnny." A short while later, little Johnny remarks that the baby has perfect little feet. Again the mother appreciates the compliment. Little Johnny then asks about the baby's eye sight. The baby's mother says that it should be 20/20 according to the doctors. Little Johnny then says "Whew, that's good to hear... coz he'd be fvcked if he ever needed glasses!"

 

[Hammerhead]

Two muffins are baking in an oven.
One looks over at the other and says, "Damn it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "Holy sh!t, a talking muffin!!"

 

[lokiju]

An Apple A Day

A man walks into a grocery store to buy some apples. He looks around and sees many different kinds for different prices. $1.00/lb., $1.75/lb and so on. Then he notices some for $50.00 per pound.

He calls the store clerk over.

"Excuse me. Why are these apples so expensive?", asks the man.

"They're exotic.", replies the clerk. "They're imported and taste like all different kinds of fruit."

The man thinks about it and decides to give them a try. He pays $50.00 for one apple and takes a bite of it.

"It tastes like an apple.", says the man. Sounding a little disappointed.

"Turn it around.", says the clerk.

The man turns it around and takes another bite.

"Wow! It tastes like a peach!"

"Turn it around.", says the clerk.

The man does so and takes another bite.

"Wow! It tastes like bananas!"

"Turn it around.", says the clerk.

Again the man does and takes another bite.

"Wow! It tastes like strawberries! This is amazing!"

The man glances around the store some more and notices another bunch of apples for $100.00 each.

"What's the story with those apples?", asks the man.

"Well...", replies the clerk. "They're exotic. They taste exactly like a woman's most private area."

The man thinks this is an outrageous price for an apple but he is too curious to pass it up. After all, the clerk told the truth about the other apples.

He pays the $100.00 and takes a bite of the apple.

"Awe yuck!", says the man. "It tastes like crap!"

"Turn it around.", says the clerk.

 

[lokiju]

Ladder to success

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

 

[maximus maximus]

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, ?Why weren?t you successful with the Arabs??

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

 

[MotionMan]

There's the story of the boy who, having killed both his parents, threw himself upon the mercy of the court, saying:

"Have pity on a poor orphan!"

MotionMan

 

[The Pentium Guy]

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

This is an actual conversation between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."