What is the funniest joke you know?

[RayH]

Originally posted by: Spamela
So a Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor & says
"Make me one with everything."

So the vendor gives him his dog and takes his money and goes on to help the next customer.
Buddhist looks at the vendor incredulously and says "Where's my change?"
The vendor smiles at the Buddhist and says "Change comes from within".

 

[SViper]

A male termite walks into a bar. He sees a female termite at the end of the bar, so he walks up to her and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

 

[cKGunslinger]

Originally posted by: SViper
A male termite walks into a bar. He sees a female termite at the end of the bar, so he walks up to her and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

:chuckle;

 

[Conky]

Originally posted by: pinion9

Originally posted by: Rudee

Originally posted by: Beachboy
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out.
.....
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Good, but the part about the "tall guy" is not needed to sell the joke.

I agree. I hate jokes with extra info like this to try and sell it. "The teacher fainted" is another one for those popular naughty school children jokes. It kills the joke for me.

A lot of people on here need to realize that delivery is 90% of the joke.

Everybody's a critic. :roll: I got the joke from someone else and didn't edit it because I laughed at it as written so sue me. :laugh:

I thought it was funny and the last line was just a small chaser to the punchline. Telling a joke on a messageboard is much different than hearing it in person. I'd say only about 20% of these jokes are funny as written. Depending on the person delivering the joke in person the actual percentage of funny could be anywhere from 5% to 90%

BTW, what does a lesbian call another lesbian with large hands?

Hung!

 

[pinion9]

Originally posted by: yosuke188

Originally posted by: Steve Guilliot

Originally posted by: pinion9

Originally posted by: yosuke188
Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub.

The first one says, "Pass the soap."

The second one says, "No soap, radio!"

I don't get it....

Good, I'm not the only one.

:laugh:

Edit: It's going in my sig now.

Si, si. I understand. But at least I didn't get it, as opposed to laughing Stupid social experiments....

 

[Scarpozzi]

A man is driving his snowmobile in Alaska when he hears a sputter and oil starts spilling all over the snow. A old man is walking by and sees the mess all over the snow and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." The guy with the snowmobile replied, "Naw, it's just frost on my mustache..."

 

[azev]

Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too
hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my
wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have
a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy
Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember."
The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and
Despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good
Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;
Someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such
A beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to
lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the
greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally
go; we went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the
Way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No,
I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her
apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go
into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I
excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came
Out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children,
And dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy
Birthday...and there on the couch I sat................................

--------------------NAKED--------------------------------------------

 

[azev]

my Favorites

OUR WIFE/GF DAILY PRAYER

Armani, Which art in Hermes,
Hallowed be thy Gucci.
Thy Cartier watch, Thy Prada bag,
On Rodeo, As it is in Tiffany's.

Give us this day our Visa Titanium
And forgive us this overdraft,
As we forgive those who decline our Mastercard.

Lead us not into JC Penney, And deliver us from Sears.
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier, and the Versace,
For Dolce and Gabana...

Amex .....

 

[OMoT]

What was the score of the ethiopian baseball game?

Ate-nothing

 

[Aquila76]

Originally posted by: wirm
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

LOL. Nice.

 

[chambersc]

punchline: better nate than lever

edit: I didn't read the thread before I posted this.

 

[TechKnight]

A tired husband comes home one day to find his blonde wife in frustration. She tells him that she spent the entire day working on a jigsaw puzzle and getting no where. He agrees to help and she leads him by the hand into the kitchen. "It's suppose to be a tiger" argues the blonde pointing to the various pieces scattered across the kitchen table. The husband glances at the box and sighs deeply. He says "Honey, why don't you make us a cup of tea while I put away the frosted flakes".

So far, I like the Death joke and the Elephant joke.

 

[DrPizza]

Originally posted by: wirm
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

:thumbsup: best joke so far!

 

[95SS]

A nun goes to confession. "forgive me father, for I have used horrible language today, she says. "Go on," the priest says. "Well,"the nun continues. "I was golfing and hit this incredible drive, but it struck a phone line and fell short after about 100 yards"

"And so you swore?" the priest asks. "No," the nun says. "After that, a squirrel came out and stole my ball." "And then did you swear?" asks the priest. "Well, no," the nun says. "Then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in his talons. As they flew away, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"And then you swore?" the priest asks. "No," she continues, "The ball fell on a big rock, rolled onto the green, and stopped 6 inches from the hole." The priest is silent for a moment, and then finally says "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"

 

[oCxTiTaN]

So a pirate walked into a barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


---------------------------------------------------------


So I said "wrecked em, damn near ARRRRRR"


--------------------------------------------------------


A man is looking for a job and comes across an ad in the classified section for "Pirate, apply to Capt. Peg Leg at the docks, will train the right person."

The man finds Capt. Peg Leg who is every bit a pirate, patch over the eye, hook for a hand, parrot on his shoulder etc. The captain says he'll hire the man and begins to describe the job...
"On Mondays we go out to sea, find a ship, loot the ship, come back into port ad get so drunk we throw up all over our selves. Sounds like a good job don't it son?"

Stammering the man says "Actually Capt. I'm not much of a drinker, I don't know I would like that very much."

"Well, " responds the Capt. "Perhaps you will like what we do on a Tuesday just a little bit better then. We go out, find a ship, loot the ship, come back to port, get drunk, find women and rape every one we find! Sounds like a good job now doesnt it son?"


The man again stammers his reply..."As I said I really dont drink, and I've never raped a woman and I don't think I would like that either."

The Capt looks at him with his one good eye ands asks..."Your not some sort of a lovely human are ye? Not a Homersexual are ye?"

"No, NO I'm not." the man responds.

"Oh well," says Peg Leg " You won't like what we do on Wednesdays either then."


--------------------------------------------------------


A pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender exclaims "Sir! Did you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?"

"Aye!" said the pirate, "it's drivin' me nuts!"


--------------------------------------------------------


Why do pirates wear gold earrings? Cuz they were a buck an ear!!!








Arrrr.

 

[oCxTiTaN]

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Guy walks into a bar, sits at the far end alone and orders a beer. The bartender brings him a beer and as he is thinking about his long day he hears a voice that says: "nice tie". The guy looks around to see who it was but doesn't see anybody. Convinced he is just hearing things he takes another sip of his beer and the voice says: "nice shirt". Puzzled, the guy looks around but still doesn't see anybody. Now a little disturbed he takes another sip of his beer and hears the voice say: "nice pants" Now the guy has had it and he calls the bartender over and says "I keep hearing this voice telling me how nice my clothes are, but I don't see anybody, what's going on?" The bartender says, "oh it's just the peanuts... they're complimentary."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise
control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly
from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your
mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As
the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
$75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see
officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled
me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE
HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

 

[nova2]

blackmail (or framing someone)! instant winners! you can joke around with anybody, and they might not even realize you're just being so lame

personal stuff always hits the mark man!

 

[DrPizza]

Every Friday afternoon, a physicist goes down to the bar, sits in the
second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a
girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but
keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist makes
a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the
better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions,
but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why
do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space
is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existance and vanish all
the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a
beautiful girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you
just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER
a drink? Never know... she might say yes."

The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

 

[Dritnul]

Okay well ill cross the line
my freiend actually made this joke up himself



What do you say to a black jew?.....































get in the back of the oven!

 

[Kyanzes]

Two indians, in the old west, a young and an old, ride home in the prairie against the dying sun. They are on their way for hours now
and suddenly the younger stops his horse and turns to the old indian:
"Old Wolf, I think we got lost in the prairie!" the old indian looks back:
"Young Fox, just shoot in the air, the others will hear it and come for us!"
So the young indian shoots in the air as told. They wait for a while, night falls upon them, but no one comes.
They decide to continue their ride. At daybreak the younger indian, again, stops his horse and expresses his feelings:
"Old Wolf, it seems that we indeed got lost in the prairie!" the old indian calms him:
"Just shoot in the air, Young Fox, someone will surely hear it and comes for us!" so the young indian shoots in the air as instructed.
It's high noon now, but no one appears on the horizon. They agree it is best to continue the ride.
Again, they are riding against the westering sun, when the young indian, once more, stops his horse and turns to the old indian:
"Old Wolf, we surely are lost, what should we do about it?" The old indian scratches his head, and finally reaches his decision:
"Young Fox, I believe, that if you shoot in the air once more, someone will definitely hear it, and finally comes for us!"
"Can't do that!" says the young one. "Why?" looks back the old. "Because I've run out of arrows..."

 

[Kyanzes]

An angry cowboy, in the old west, kicks in the saloon door, strides in and cries:
"Who painted my horse blue?!"
A seven feet taller bruiser looking guy pushes his desk away with his boots then stands up,
while unmistakable clicking noises can be heard:
"That 'ld be me. Sumtin' wrong?"
The cowboy, nearly inaudibly:
"Nahh, just wanted you to know that the painting dried, it's ready to be varnished..."

 

[thoro86]

Originally posted by: Fritzo
A pirate walks into a bar with two peg legs, a hook on his arm, and an eye patch.

Bartener sees him and remarks "Wow...you've had a rough life! What happened to the legs?"

"Well..." replies the pirate, "I was a sittin' on me boat fishin', an' a shark jumped up an' bit me legs CLEAR OFF!!! Argghhh!"

The bartender shakes his head in pity. "How about the hook?"

"Arrggghhh...well me bucko, I dropped me sword in a river, an' when I went ta' grabs it, a CROCODILE snaps off me hand in one gulp, the scurvey dog!"

"That's awful!" replies the bartender. "Well...what happened to your eye then?"

"ARRGGHH!!!! THAT BE THE WORST OF 'EM ALL!!!! I was on th' dock, riggin' the ship for battle, an' a seagull swooped down and POOPED in me EYE!!!"

The bartender blinks a few times, then finally has to ask. "You lost your eye....from bird poop?"

"Well...ya see....it was me first day with the the hook...."

I've heard this when I was small. It was hilarious!! Thx for the recall

 

[MotionMan]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through a deep valley, when suddenly an army of hostile Apaches appears on the ridges above them.

"Tonto, looks like we are in trouble," says the Lone Ranger.

Tonto takes a long look at the army surrounding them, and then replies:

"What do you mean 'we', paleface?"


MotionMan

 

[saahmed]

The Aristocrats

 

[inveterate]

So three immigrants arrives in america.
The first joined the military, and thus far the only english words he has learned is "Yes, Sir"

The Second Guy worked at a restaurant , and his only words are, "Forks and Knives"

The third Guy works at a candy shop, and the only words he could say is "Goody goody gumdrops"

By chance they were hanging out one day and came up to a dead body. A near by police officer sees them and quickly rushes up to detain them.

The police officer says to the first immigrant, DID YOU GUYS KILL THIS MAN,, The first immigrant replys "YES ,SIR"
The police officer then asks, WHAT did you kill him with?
The second immigrant replys, "Forks and Knives"
The police officer then reads them their rights, with his final remark being, you guys are going to JAIL.
the third immigrants says, "GOODY goody gumdrops"