cKGunslinger
Lifer
- Nov 29, 1999
- 16,408
- 57
- 91
There was once a young man who lived on a farm who watched the calves feeding with great interest. One day he decided that since he could only see his girlfriend once every other week due to work on the farm that he might have a good idea.
So early one morning he took off out to the barn and slipped his manhood out and put it in front of one of the calves. As calves often do you might figure out what happened. As he was enjoying himself he noticed some hay fall down from the loft.
Looking up he saw his father looking down at him with a real mean look on his face. Thinking very quickly, the kid looked at his father and screamed, "Are you just gonna stand up there and let him eat me alive!?"
So early one morning he took off out to the barn and slipped his manhood out and put it in front of one of the calves. As calves often do you might figure out what happened. As he was enjoying himself he noticed some hay fall down from the loft.
Looking up he saw his father looking down at him with a real mean look on his face. Thinking very quickly, the kid looked at his father and screamed, "Are you just gonna stand up there and let him eat me alive!?"
A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
Originally posted by: Rudee
Originally posted by: Beachboy
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out.
.....
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Good, but the part about the "tall guy" is not needed to sell the joke.
I agree. I hate jokes with extra info like this to try and sell it. "The teacher fainted" is another one for those popular naughty school children jokes. It kills the joke for me.
A lot of people on here need to realize that delivery is 90% of the joke.
Three guys go the Amazon on a vacation. While there they fool around, get lost, and are captured by a tribe of savage natives. They are taken into the deepest, darkest part of
the jungle and tied onto poles in an opening.
After night had fallen and a huge bonfire was blazing, all the tribe members assembled and began chanting and making merry in anticipation of a great evenings fun at the expense of our three vacationers.
Suddenly, a hush falls over the crowd - the Chief had arrived! He goes over to the first guy tied to a pole and asks, "DEATH, or Uga Buga?"
The guy, not knowing what it is, answers that he'll take the Uga Buga.
The crowd breaks into an uproar! Eight of the biggest, strongest and most virile savages step out of the crowd, take the guy loose from his pole, bend him over a log and
bone him for 3 hours. The crowd is elated!
The Chief walks over to the second guy, and asks "DEATH or Uga Buga?"
The second guy looks at the first guy, still gasping for breath and writhing on the ground, and swallows hard. He thinks to himself, "I don't know if I can take that or not,
but I'm too young to die." He also chooses Uga Buga!
Again, the crowd erupts in glee. Eight more savages emerge from the crowd, take the second guy off his pole, and bone him for five hours!
The third guy is in a real sweat! The king approaches him and asks "DEATH or Uga Buga?"
The third guy looks over at the first two guys. It is not a pretty sight. He swallows hard and answers "DEATH!"
The Chief is astounded! With a very puzzled look glances at the rest of savages. Then brightening up, he replies,
"OK, DEATH!; DEATH BY UGA BUGA!"
the jungle and tied onto poles in an opening.
After night had fallen and a huge bonfire was blazing, all the tribe members assembled and began chanting and making merry in anticipation of a great evenings fun at the expense of our three vacationers.
Suddenly, a hush falls over the crowd - the Chief had arrived! He goes over to the first guy tied to a pole and asks, "DEATH, or Uga Buga?"
The guy, not knowing what it is, answers that he'll take the Uga Buga.
The crowd breaks into an uproar! Eight of the biggest, strongest and most virile savages step out of the crowd, take the guy loose from his pole, bend him over a log and
bone him for 3 hours. The crowd is elated!
The Chief walks over to the second guy, and asks "DEATH or Uga Buga?"
The second guy looks at the first guy, still gasping for breath and writhing on the ground, and swallows hard. He thinks to himself, "I don't know if I can take that or not,
but I'm too young to die." He also chooses Uga Buga!
Again, the crowd erupts in glee. Eight more savages emerge from the crowd, take the second guy off his pole, and bone him for five hours!
The third guy is in a real sweat! The king approaches him and asks "DEATH or Uga Buga?"
The third guy looks over at the first two guys. It is not a pretty sight. He swallows hard and answers "DEATH!"
The Chief is astounded! With a very puzzled look glances at the rest of savages. Then brightening up, he replies,
"OK, DEATH!; DEATH BY UGA BUGA!"
AgaBoogaBoo
Lifer
- Feb 16, 2003
- 26,108
- 5
- 81
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one, too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the bigger one?"
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one, too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the bigger one?"
glenn beck
Platinum Member
- Oct 6, 2004
- 2,380
- 0
- 0
A man came up to a farmer and said, "Sir, I want to marry your daughter." The farmer said, "Ok, you have to run the field, jump the fence, swim the pond, screw the cow, and
then you can marry my daughter."
So the man did as he was told. He came back, and the farmer is laughing. "You have to do it one more time, that was the funniest thing I ever saw!"
So the man again done as he was told. He came back, and this time the farmer was rolling around on the ground still laughing.
"Please, just one more time. After this, I swear, you can have my daughter."
So for the third time, the man done as he was told. He came back to the farmer, who was dying laughing.
"Ok, you can have my daughter. Welcome to the family, son."
"Hell with your daughter, sir. I want your cow!"
then you can marry my daughter."
So the man did as he was told. He came back, and the farmer is laughing. "You have to do it one more time, that was the funniest thing I ever saw!"
So the man again done as he was told. He came back, and this time the farmer was rolling around on the ground still laughing.
"Please, just one more time. After this, I swear, you can have my daughter."
So for the third time, the man done as he was told. He came back to the farmer, who was dying laughing.
"Ok, you can have my daughter. Welcome to the family, son."
"Hell with your daughter, sir. I want your cow!"
A man and a woman sit down next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes, the man sneezes, pulls out his penis, wipes it off and zips back up.
Of course the woman was shocked, but decided not to say anything. After a few more minutes, the man sneezes again, and sure enough, pulls out his penis and wipes it off.
Now the woman is getting upset. She tries to flag down a flight attendant, but before she can the man sneezes again, whips it out and wipes it off.
The woman was furious! She confronted the man: "That is disgusting! You need to stop or I'm going to get the flight attendant."
The man apologized. "I'm terribly sorry. I have this medical condition where every time I sneeze I have an orgasam. I can't do anything about it."
The woman felt bad for getting upset, and calmed down. "I'm sorry, I had no idea. What are you taking for it?" she asked.
The man replies "Pepper."
After a few minutes, the man sneezes, pulls out his penis, wipes it off and zips back up.
Of course the woman was shocked, but decided not to say anything. After a few more minutes, the man sneezes again, and sure enough, pulls out his penis and wipes it off.
Now the woman is getting upset. She tries to flag down a flight attendant, but before she can the man sneezes again, whips it out and wipes it off.
The woman was furious! She confronted the man: "That is disgusting! You need to stop or I'm going to get the flight attendant."
The man apologized. "I'm terribly sorry. I have this medical condition where every time I sneeze I have an orgasam. I can't do anything about it."
The woman felt bad for getting upset, and calmed down. "I'm sorry, I had no idea. What are you taking for it?" she asked.
The man replies "Pepper."
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.
She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.
She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub.
The first one says, "Pass the soap."
The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
The first one says, "Pass the soap."
The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
How is anal sex like broccoli?
If you are forced to have it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult!
If you are forced to have it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult!
Why isn't there any ancient Mexican literature?
Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.
Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.
MotionMan
Lifer
- Jan 11, 2006
- 17,124
- 12
- 81
"Let me 'splain....No, there is too much. Let me sum up.":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio
MotionMan
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