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Wedding Planning Woes...

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Originally posted by: dmw16
we called and asked last night. if they wont help out by helping us pay for the wedding we have planned then they will just be getting an invitation.
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Instead of asking for help in paying for the wedding you have planned, you should be planning the wedding you can pay for without help.

The wedding will be memorable because it is your wedding. The idea of a wedding reception is for others to share in your joy on that special day not to blackmail people into participating or to spend yourself into the poor house because you THINK it will be somehow better if you throw more money at it.

To say that you can't do it for less than $18,000 is ridiculous. You just don't want to. Nobody is making you have a sit down dinner or an open bar or whatever.There are many traditional receptions that don't include those things. And if you're worried what people will think if you have a dj instead of a band, or serve wine instead of open bar, then you're planning the wedding for them, not for you.

Also if her folks aren't paying for anything, they don't get to determine the guest list so the only reason you would HAVE to invite 45 of her relatives is because she wants to,and if she wants to invite that many relatives, she should come up with a wedding reception plan that will accomodate all of them within your budget.

Stepping off my soapbox now.

 
Originally posted by: NoShangriLa
Originally posted by: Imp
Originally posted by: NoShangriLa
Originally posted by: Lorax
Originally posted by: intogamer
Anybody know how much Asian weddings(banquet) cost?
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in chicago (crappy chinese food), it's around 600 for a table of 10 for the high end (shark's fin, etc). not sure if you have to add tax/gratuity on that.

low end is around 300/table i think.
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The year 1990 Victoria BC Canada. Chinese restaurant charged my parents $700 CAD a table for 10 people (sis wedding).
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2005: About $700 a table and the parents are loaded. Waste of money if you ask me, they even asked people to go to the reception that they haven't seen/talked to in over 10 years (me + others). I didn't even remember that they existed until then. What a waste...
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I though it was a waste too, because my parent house that they purchased in 1983 cost slightly more than twice the wedding.

My dad & sis went crazy & invited over 140 people to the reception and if recall correctly it was 153-155 people showed up, therefore my dad had to order 2 more tables.

The alcohol is an additional $4K CAD on top of the reception.

As for me, I politely refused the offer of $30K from my mom toward my future wedding, because I wanted to do things my way.
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idiot! Shoulda taken the money and bought a beemer. 😛
 
1. 24 is WAAAAAY too young to get married.
2. If you're dead set on chaining yourself down, go to Vegas for the weekend and get married by Elvis. Should be able to do the whole trip for way less than $1k. Then have a small reception when you get back.

It's always the people who blow a huge wad on their weddings that are divorced within a few years. If you really love each other, stupid crap like that doesn't matter.
 
If you really wanted to be mean, you could tell her parents, "We're going to scale everything back because of all the strings you attached to the money, but remember we're going to tell everyone the reception is so lame because you were too cheap to help us out with the cost." On second thought, don't do that even if it might work.

Personally, I wouldn't spend my entire savings on a wedding no matter what.
 
Confucius says only plan for a wedding you can afford.

If you wanted parents to pay you should have had them do the designing; if they didn't want to you are back at step 1.
 
Originally posted by: Gilligansdingy
wow... 24 years old and still acting like spoiled little children. Skip the wedding and go straight for the divorce.
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How do you figure? How's the view from your high horse?

I am simply trying to balance the finacial needs I see us having in the future with the things she wants in our wedding.

And now I will act like a child for a second...you are an asshole for judging me.
 
Originally posted by: dainthomas
1. 24 is WAAAAAY too young to get married.
2. If you're dead set on chaining yourself down, go to Vegas for the weekend and get married by Elvis. Should be able to do the whole trip for way less than $1k. Then have a small reception when you get back.

It's always the people who blow a huge wad on their weddings that are divorced within a few years. If you really love each other, stupid crap like that doesn't matter.
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Thanks for the positive comments. This thread wasn't a should I get married thread. So keep that stuff to yourself.

Secondly, my future wife doesn't want some Elvis wedding. Forgive me for wanting her to be happy.

-----

I should have figured this thread would start a bunch of "you'll be divorced in a year", "you are spoiled", "weddings are dumb get married in the woods", and all that stuff.

Truth is, I want to plan a wedding that will make her happy. I don't care that much, but her happiness is important to me. She comes from a very traditional family with lots of expectations. To me, with those expectations on her, comes some level of expectation from the parents. I had hoped that venting some of this in my original post would help. But this has just left me more frustrated.

Clearly lots of people on here who thing im some sort of brat or whatever. Truth be told I work my ass off so that we can have nice things and pay our own way.

Anyway...that's all I got.
 
Originally posted by: dmw16
Originally posted by: dainthomas
1. 24 is WAAAAAY too young to get married.
2. If you're dead set on chaining yourself down, go to Vegas for the weekend and get married by Elvis. Should be able to do the whole trip for way less than $1k. Then have a small reception when you get back.

It's always the people who blow a huge wad on their weddings that are divorced within a few years. If you really love each other, stupid crap like that doesn't matter.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the positive comments. This thread wasn't a should I get married thread. So keep that stuff to yourself.

Secondly, my future wife doesn't want some Elvis wedding. Forgive me for wanting her to be happy.
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in my opinion, whether they offered to help or are going to help is independent from what you've decided to do for the wedding. I'd have approached it from the standpoint of without getting any help, this is what we'd do. if help is offered and given then great, if not then you're well within the bounds you've decided. no offense but you seem taken aback at having to pay a bunch but then turnaround and say that you only want her to be happy. If what you have now makes her happy, the parental relations are worth more than money.
you guys never hammered out a solid understanding early on, assumed you'd get it or could get it and are paying for that gray area now. if the wedding as planned is as important as you say it is to the wife and given the timeline you're talking about, suck it up and go on with it. whether her folks have money or not doesnt really make a difference. what your parents have offered doesnt matter and nor does asking her dad for permission to marry her come with the understanding that you get money for the wedding. i never understood why the custom of paying big bucks for your kids wedding came into being.
 
I guess. I think we need to just cut it all down to size. But the whole thing just is so expensive. Even cutting way back I think it will cost $10k (total). She has a big family that SHE wants there. So our guest list can only get so short.

I am just frustrated. We went in to it too fast (the wedding planning that is) and now we need to back track. I am more frustrated and her parents jerking us around then anything else. We started planning based on them saying "we'll give you $7000" and then (after we signed some contracts) they changed that to "$7000 for something you wouldnt otherwise be able to afford." That is the part that pisses me off. IF they said "nope, cant help" that would have been fine. It is the double speak that ticks me off.
 
Originally posted by: dmw16
I guess. I think we need to just cut it all down to size. But the whole thing just is so expensive. Even cutting way back I think it will cost $10k (total). She has a big family that SHE wants there. So our guest list can only get so short.

I am just frustrated. We went in to it too fast (the wedding planning that is) and now we need to back track. I am more frustrated and her parents jerking us around then anything else. We started planning based on them saying "we'll give you $7000" and then (after we signed some contracts) they changed that to "$7000 for something you wouldnt otherwise be able to afford." That is the part that pisses me off. IF they said "nope, cant help" that would have been fine. It is the double speak that ticks me off.
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It's a control move by her parents.

Deny them any control whatsoever now or it will continually be a thorn in your marriage.

In other words, don't accept any money from any family if there are strings attached. That's just a way for them to control their daughters life. That's some bad mojo right there...nip it in the bud.
 
Originally posted by: dmw16


Truth is, I want to plan a wedding that will make her happy. I don't care that much, but her happiness is important to me. She comes from a very traditional family with lots of expectations.
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Then why isn't she asking her parents why they aren't footing the bill.
 
Originally posted by: dmw16

Secondly, my future wife doesn't want some Elvis wedding. Forgive me for wanting her to be happy.

-----

I should have figured this thread would start a bunch of "you'll be divorced in a year", "you are spoiled", "weddings are dumb get married in the woods", and all that stuff.

Truth is, I want to plan a wedding that will make her happy. I don't care that much, but her happiness is important to me. She comes from a very traditional family with lots of expectations. To me, with those expectations on her, comes some level of expectation from the parents. I had hoped that venting some of this in my original post would help. But this has just left me more frustrated.
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So your future wife needs a big wedding to be happy? Shouldn't just getting married be enough? 😕

You came on here saying that all this worry about the financial burden is stressing you out. I responded by saying that you don't NEED all that stuff. I also stand by my comment about your age because if you were older you could maybe afford it by yourself OR you would realize that some things just aren't necessary.

My wife and I did most of our wedding ourselves. Her mom and a friend did cooking for the reception, a neighbor made the cake (we were lucky that she was a professional baker) and we rented the dress and tuxes. Counting renting the church for the wedding and reception, I think we spent maybe $2k tops. Oh, and we've been married for 14 years and are quite happy.
 
Originally posted by: dmw16

How do you figure? How's the view from your high horse?

I am simply trying to balance the finacial needs I see us having in the future with the things she wants in our wedding.

And now I will act like a child for a second...you are an asshole for judging me.
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Want and need are 2 totally different things. If you are going to marry this woman then she too must work with you in regards to the finances. She way want an elephant to carry her in to the wedding but that just isn't in the budget.

We did 110 people for 3k from us and about 3k from parents / my friends. We had extra money left over to get her a new vehicle, lots of baby things for our then future son and other things.

A great photographer and you two will make the wedding memorable not some random 120 people showing up for free stuff. 2 years from now all that crap will be gone and you two will sit down to look at pictures not to the 2 year old open bar that is just a memory. That fancy dress will hang in her closet for who knows how many years and all the pretty flowers will be long dead.

-Do your own flower arrangemnts saved us about 1k
-Churches are a great place to get married as well as outdoor places - easy on the pocket.
-You dont need booze as someone will get drunk and do something stupid.
-You only need a few maids / men not 10 million.
-Have parents not paying throw in some manual labor to decorate anything they can so you dont have to pay someone else.


 
Originally posted by: dmw16
I guess. I think we need to just cut it all down to size. But the whole thing just is so expensive. Even cutting way back I think it will cost $10k (total). She has a big family that SHE wants there. So our guest list can only get so short.

I am just frustrated. We went in to it too fast (the wedding planning that is) and now we need to back track. I am more frustrated and her parents jerking us around then anything else. We started planning based on them saying "we'll give you $7000" and then (after we signed some contracts) they changed that to "$7000 for something you wouldnt otherwise be able to afford." That is the part that pisses me off. IF they said "nope, cant help" that would have been fine. It is the double speak that ticks me off.
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figured you were mostly venting at the process. it aint easy, just remember who you're doing it for. women freak out about the planning process and some of them have a list of definates they must do or have. us guys just gotta roll with the punches. my recommendation? go out and get a nice bottle of scotch. have a few drinks and let it go.. if you're an angry drunk, skip the scotch and substitute orange juice.
Biggest cost is the reception right? that's exactly why we choose to get married out of state. that way only family went.
 
Tell her tighwad parents to own up to having a daughter and foot the bill for the reception.

As for it being something you wouldn't otherwise be able to afford, wtf do they think a wedding reception is? Is that the kind of thing that's in your weekly budget?
 
Congratulations on the upcoming wedding! Wish you and your fiancee a memorable wedding and a long and happy marriage!

Take her aside and say 'hey we don't want to go into debt for this wedding. We may have to re-think how much we can afford to spend and what we can do without in order to accommodate our budget.' Yes, your future in laws attached strings so the 4 of you should have a sit down and discuss how they might help. Don't get pissed or emotional with them. Don't consider this a problem but a situation that requires a solution. If they can help you great, but if the strings are too binding, thank them and tell them you and fiancee didn't to include such and such activity or function.
 
My wedding cost under $2k that included my dress,tux rentals for 3,license and JP fee, We were married in a park overlooking a lake.I had a sit down dinner reception for 20 in a lovely chinese restaurant.I did nice wedding favors,We had an after party on the best man's patio, we provided beer,wine and some liquor.I did my own flowers and headpiece.I had professional hair/makeup nail care

My only regrets? not paying some sort of photographer or having some formal designation as to who was taking responsibilty for my video/pictures as most of them ended up being "lost"
 
Originally posted by: spidey07
Originally posted by: dmw16
I guess. I think we need to just cut it all down to size. But the whole thing just is so expensive. Even cutting way back I think it will cost $10k (total). She has a big family that SHE wants there. So our guest list can only get so short.

I am just frustrated. We went in to it too fast (the wedding planning that is) and now we need to back track. I am more frustrated and her parents jerking us around then anything else. We started planning based on them saying "we'll give you $7000" and then (after we signed some contracts) they changed that to "$7000 for something you wouldnt otherwise be able to afford." That is the part that pisses me off. IF they said "nope, cant help" that would have been fine. It is the double speak that ticks me off.
Click to expand...

It's a control move by her parents.

Deny them any control whatsoever now or it will continually be a thorn in your marriage.

In other words, don't accept any money from any family if there are strings attached. That's just a way for them to control their daughters life. That's some bad mojo right there...nip it in the bud.
Click to expand...
Don't accept any money, because they tend to come with strings.

My mom talked to my GF & offered to give us $30K for our wedding and $15K to furnish our house. I found out and deny the deal, because there will always be some kind of string attached even those they don't put it out on the table initially.

At first, my GF got upset at me for not taking the cash to have a wedding the way that she fantasizes (and her mom fantasy).

She now understand why I didn't take the money because she did a mistake and borrow $30K from her parents with out consulting me and now her mom is ruining our lives. Her parents & 2 sisters came to visit this summer and they didn't tell us how long they were going to stay, and now they have moved in for over 4 months.

It is not worth the stress.


 
Originally posted by: allisolm
Originally posted by: dmw16
we called and asked last night. if they wont help out by helping us pay for the wedding we have planned then they will just be getting an invitation.
Click to expand...

Instead of asking for help in paying for the wedding you have planned, you should be planning the wedding you can pay for without help.

The wedding will be memorable because it is your wedding. The idea of a wedding reception is for others to share in your joy on that special day not to blackmail people into participating or to spend yourself into the poor house because you THINK it will be somehow better if you throw more money at it.

To say that you can't do it for less than $18,000 is ridiculous. You just don't want to. Nobody is making you have a sit down dinner or an open bar or whatever.There are many traditional receptions that don't include those things. And if you're worried what people will think if you have a dj instead of a band, or serve wine instead of open bar, then you're planning the wedding for them, not for you.

Also if her folks aren't paying for anything, they don't get to determine the guest list so the only reason you would HAVE to invite 45 of her relatives is because she wants to,and if she wants to invite that many relatives, she should come up with a wedding reception plan that will accomodate all of them within your budget.

Stepping off my soapbox now.
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Actually, you're doing a pretty good job up there on that soap box. I'd also toss in: provide beer, wine, and other drinks, but skip the open bar. I haven't been to weddings with open bars, and weddings without them. The weddings without them generally seemed more fun. The weddings with open bars simply meant that every person who occasionally engaged in binge drinking did so then. Yeah, it's a lot of fun being around a ton of drunks who are slurring their speech and think they can dance.

edit: what's more important than the number of people attending is the location of the reception and prices of meals... Heck, some of the most enjoyable weddings I've been to have been at places like firehalls - 150 guests, and they still managed to keep food costs under $2k, including the beer and wine.

Planning centered on making the event very enjoyable, rather than finding the most extravagant dishes to serve the guests to impress them. I'd much rather have meatball subs, chicken wings, pizza, fried chicken, baked chicken, etc., served banquet style and have a great time, than to attend a much more formal dinner in a stuffy atmosphere where I'm locked to my table and can't socialize for 1 1/2 hours of dinner time.
 
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